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More upset about ex-plate than ex-wife

TheNewStyle123

Senior Don Juan
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Just found out today that the first plate I ever spun since getting divorced is now in a relationship (hadn't spoken to her in a while since last time I reached out she was "too busy" to meet up.) When I texted her today she replied that she had a new phone and didn't have any of her contacts saved asking who it was. When I replied that it was me, she said "Hello, how has everything been? I am sorry but I have a boyfriend now. I just want to be loyal to him."

This chick is Brazilian and I can understand being more polite about stuff like this compared to most American women (who would most likely cont. to keep conversation for attention regardless of a boyfriend, fiancé, spouse), but damn did that suck.

I can't figure out my feelings right now though. Why does it hurt a little to hear that? I had no interest in dating this girl as I am recently divorced. But her company (and sex) were great and I had a great time when we were seeing each other. Contact between us just began to fizzle out and I think she caught the drift that I was not looking for a relationship (maybe why she began to pull away gradually).

I can only surmise that this woman got sick of being a plate, and when I reached out twice after we stopped talking she just made excuses to avoid seeing me again. A lesson learned here: you can't spin a plate forever unless you contemplate a LTR with one. I know after I get over this I will be happier and better off, as I am really enjoying being single for the first time in 7 years.
 

Hank Moody

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Just found out today that the first plate I ever spun since getting divorced is now in a relationship (hadn't spoken to her in a while since last time I reached out she was "too busy" to meet up.) When I texted her today she replied that she had a new phone and didn't have any of her contacts saved asking who it was. When I replied that it was me, she said "Hello, how has everything been? I am sorry but I have a boyfriend now. I just want to be loyal to him."

This chick is Brazilian and I can understand being more polite about stuff like this compared to most American women (who would most likely cont. to keep conversation for attention regardless of a boyfriend, fiancé, spouse), but damn did that suck.

I can't figure out my feelings right now though. Why does it hurt a little to hear that? I had no interest in dating this girl as I am recently divorced. But her company (and sex) were great and I had a great time when we were seeing each other. Contact between us just began to fizzle out and I think she caught the drift that I was not looking for a relationship (maybe why she began to pull away gradually).

I can only surmise that this woman got sick of being a plate, and when I reached out twice after we stopped talking she just made excuses to avoid seeing me again. A lesson learned here: you can't spin a plate forever unless you contemplate a LTR with one. I know after I get over this I will be happier and better off, as I am really enjoying being single for the first time in 7 years.
Glad you're enjoying being single.

I recommend a book for you - 'Less Than Zero' by Bret Easton Ellis

Get out there and sow those wild oats.
 

Ricky

Master Don Juan
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Glad you're enjoying being single.

I recommend a book for you - 'Less Than Zero' by Bret Easton Ellis

Get out there and sow those wild oats.
Wasn't that a movie years ago?
 

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spikeanut

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OP, few things:

1. She doesn't have a new phone, she merely removed your contact and deleted all traces of you. In today's age, a new phone doesn't mean sh1t. All contact information is saved in the cloud.
2. She may or may not have a boyfriend. Stop pedestalizing her by saying she's more polite or any better than other women. All that matters is she is no longer into you.
3. It had nothing to do with her catching "the drift" that you didn't want a relationship. Stop trying to defend your ego. The only way towards self growth is to accept our faults and fix them. She knew exactly what you wanted and had to offer which is why she found excuses the last 2 times you tried to initiate contact. She just wasn't interested.

Women only give up being a plate if over time, they realize there is no future or hope for an LTR. But this is something that builds over a lengthy period of time, years. A plate of a few months won't come to this realization and end things over that. Why? Because women love the challenge of winning a guy (*and here's the important part) they have high interest for, over into an LTR. Even then, as long as you are feeding them scraps and continuing to sell the dream, a woman will gladly remain a plate for years. Regardless of what happened, her interest in you fell, while her interest in someone else rose.

The bottom line OP, and this is where the self growth comes in, you lost your frame with this plate somehow. Re-evaluate yourself and the interaction with her and learn from it. If you are coming straight out of a divorce, it typically is due to some type of neediness that women are masters at picking up. This is especially true if she was much more attractive then your ex-wife. If she was semi-attractive at all, she was branch swinging the whole time and found a branch she thought was better worth pursuing.
 

TheNewStyle123

Senior Don Juan
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OP, few things:

1. She doesn't have a new phone, she merely removed your contact and deleted all traces of you. In today's age, a new phone doesn't mean sh1t. All contact information is saved in the cloud.
2. She may or may not have a boyfriend. Stop pedestalizing her by saying she's more polite or any better than other women. All that matters is she is no longer into you.
3. It had nothing to do with her catching "the drift" that you didn't want a relationship. Stop trying to defend your ego. The only way towards self growth is to accept our faults and fix them. She knew exactly what you wanted and had to offer which is why she found excuses the last 2 times you tried to initiate contact. She just wasn't interested.

Women only give up being a plate if over time, they realize there is no future or hope for an LTR. But this is something that builds over a lengthy period of time, years. A plate of a few months won't come to this realization and end things over that. Why? Because women love the challenge of winning a guy (*and here's the important part) they have high interest for, over into an LTR. Even then, as long as you are feeding them scraps and continuing to sell the dream, a woman will gladly remain a plate for years. Regardless of what happened, her interest in you fell, while her interest in someone else rose.

The bottom line OP, and this is where the self growth comes in, you lost your frame with this plate somehow. Re-evaluate yourself and the interaction with her and learn from it. If you are coming straight out of a divorce, it typically is due to some type of neediness that women are masters at picking up. This is especially true if she was much more attractive then your ex-wife. If she was semi-attractive at all, she was branch swinging the whole time and found a branch she thought was better worth pursuing.
You're totally right buddy, thank you. I need to re-evaluate my interactions and faults with her and learn from them to apply it for next time!
 

BeExcellent

Master Don Juan
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Advice from the old lady:

Good women worthy of LTR are sought after commodities. If this woman was being strung along as just a plate for a bit, fine but in time good women understand their worth and simply move on. The ones who hang around for years don’t have the same intrinsic value.

People with high value don’t tolerate a situation they find unsatisfactory for a long time. There are too many alternatives that will be satisfactory to waste that kind of time.

This illustrates that phenomena rather well.

OP realizes this was a good woman (which is further confirmed by her express loyalty to her current BF), and he is disappointed that he can’t string her along any more.

It is what it is. Eventually you lose the women who are most worth having if those women really are after a LTR.

Women worth having a LTR with are relatively rare. So best to carefully consider them should you find one.

Otherwise understand you will constantly have to replace plates and someone else gets her company, sex and companionship as her BF, which OP was unwilling to grant her.

Oh well.
 
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