mom issues....overly mom moms

[_sideways_]

I'm just fed up with my mom to the point I'd rather just treat her like a co worker.

I give money to her, I bring food, I entertain her house guest when they come.
I pay my brothers car insurance.

I clean around the house. Shampoo the carpet. I don't bring anybody home. Just car sex or hotel sex.

Its super hard for me to leave her and my brother alone since my dad passed.
My grandma begged me to stay home with them.

I'm seriously thinking of living in my car but I don't want to be that axxhole son who can't be cordial with his mom.

 

[MrWood]

I believe parents, like children need to leave the roost.
Unless they are literally dying or incapacitated, all you do is facilitate them not doing for themselves.

 

[_sideways_]

Explain please

 

[_sideways_]

With the rent being so high here, I'm a bum.. We don't have passive income... Our first mistake...
Its just us....I want my mom to be comfortable but she is such a square. I mean...marijuana is legal, yet we can't smell of it when coming to sleep home.

 

[MrWood]

Explain please

story of my ex:

child lives with mom
child has not much incentive to leave
child goes to university
child has not much incentive to leave
child gets job
child feels guilt, debt to mom
child leaves home <---- natural progression *or parents say get out on your own

on his own the child must learn to survive, live, eat, clean etc etc.

mom looses the house help
mom looses job
mom moves in with child
child supports mom
mom has not much incentive to leave
mom says she is old, cant get a job
mom has not much incentive to leave

child feels guilt, debt to mom
mom has not much incentive to leave
mom has no incentive to try, she has food, shelter, companionship...

 

[_sideways_]

She wasn't the perfect Mom ever either.

She believes a man with a difficult job should wake up at 3am to change a baby diaper...
But that same man shouldn't stay awake to decompress as needed to earn said money.

 

[_sideways_]

story of my ex:

child lives with mom
child has not much incentive to leave
child goes to university
child has not much incentive to leave
child gets job
child feels guilt, debt to mom
child leaves home <---- natural progression *or parents say get out on your own

on his own the child must learn to survive, live, eat, clean etc etc.

mom looses the house help
mom looses job
mom moves in with child
child supports mom
mom has not much incentive to leave
mom says she is old, cant get a job
mom has not much incentive to leave

child feels guilt, debt to mom
mom has not much incentive to leave
mom has no incentive to try, she has food, shelter, companionship...

That's help...child or mom can date

 

[Julian]

the problem is you are not showing your mom you are an alpha. thankfully i proved my alpha role to my mom at a young age. that means that yes you will love her unconditionally, yes you will respect her and the house but at the same time she needs to realize you are a man and at the end of the day you must do what true men do and she must learn and accept you arent a little beta boy even tho you are her son. in this case and from your posts i do feel you are beta sideways and thats why you are having difficulty here.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

I've posted this for others before; but it is pretty solid advice, concerns the OP.

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2011/...-step-closer-to-being-the-man-you-want-to-be/

Long story short, the respect you have for your mother should be mutual; and, if she needs that explaining to her, then so be it.

 

[LuckyStrike88]

I'm just fed up with my mom to the point I'd rather just treat her like a co worker.

I give money to her, I bring food, I entertain her house guest when they come.
I pay my brothers car insurance.

I clean around the house. Shampoo the carpet. I don't bring anybody home. Just car sex or hotel sex.

Its super hard for me to leave her and my brother alone since my dad passed.
My grandma begged me to stay home with them.

I'm seriously thinking of living in my car but I don't want to be that axxhole son who can't be cordial with his mom.

Leave, your not helping your mom by destroying yourself.

 

[MrWood]

you are also not helping her be be independent and stand on her own

 

[ubercat]

I agree you have to approach the topic with her. but her first reaction is going to be fear and freaking out thinking that you will kick her out. so it's going to be like leading any woman to a certain extent. you will need to be firm kind reinforce positive behaviour and provide a lot of praise. and always talk in terms of the great feelings she will have making the good steps. woman also groupthink so if you can encourage her to make friends with Other Woman who are independent you stand a better chance of her behaviour changing

 

[2Rocky]

TMK that is a great article. I love the Art of Manliness....

It is a fine line between Duty and Dependence.

What do you need to grow yourself?
What is she doing to hold you back?
Do you have a timeline for independence?
If so have you discussed this?

Not sure how old you are, but you need to look at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and see what you have, what you lack and what you are providing.

If you are the main income in your family you have a duty to help your siblings develop their own income stream.
If you are helping pay a mortgage, negotiate a buy in for your expenditures. If renting then get your name on the lease.
If you are just kicking in some cash to help mom out, then evaluate what you could rent a room from a friend for.

Part of being a man is talking with mom about how you need to grow, but have a duty to your family. Mom wants you to grow in her heart. help her help you make it happen.
Now if you are under 18 in the US, you are going to have to tough it out, graduate Highschool and start a career direction through school, or Vocational training.. If you are over 18 you need career direction so you can up your earning and finance your growth while supporting your family.

 

[SgtSplacker]

Dude just move away and tell them it's because you need to find yourself. My parents are the same way, they would like nothing better than to have me as a personal servant smelling their shiit all day.

Moving out was the best thing I ever did. I learned to do things for myself, not because someone was telling me to do it. This was huge for my personal development. Standing on your own two feet seems a little bit daunting at first. But once you get used to it you would not want it any other way.

 

[_sideways_]

the problem is you are not showing your mom you are an alpha. thankfully i proved my alpha role to my mom at a young age. that means that yes you will love her unconditionally, yes you will respect her and the house but at the same time she needs to realize you are a man and at the end of the day you must do what true men do and she must learn and accept you arent a little beta boy even tho you are her son. in this case and from your posts i do feel you are beta sideways and thats why you are having difficulty here.

How would I go about showing my alpha to my mother?
I've already moved out from under her roof while still giving her money monthly...and my little brother.
I only just started sleeping at home after my dad passed because we need to stick together as a family.
What would an alpha do in this scenario?

 

[sazc]

idk how old you are but, if you spend your time worrying about other peoples lives you are going to wake up one day and realize that your life has passed you by.

Your mother became an adult and had children. She didn't birth them so they could take care of her (?!) You are now an adult. If you have the means to take care of yourself, put yourself (and your happiness) first, and DO YOU. Your mom will figure out a way.

Better to do that than to start battling depression in 5 years b/c you feel stagnant and not accomplished in life.

 

[_sideways_]

I hear you guys. Thanks for taking the time to write out your responses.

Its just the house is so quiet since my dad passed.

He was my only friend who told me he loved me. Every freaking morning

 

[Julian]

sorry to hear that brother. instead of abandoning your family out of selfishness like everyones proposing, i suggest you have a talk with good ol mom. let her know you are the man of the house now and you will not be controlled and that you love her.

the thing is bro, moms are still women. they are still subject to being overly emotional, drama, etc like any female so you must love her unconditionally but you must also hold her to a human standard. let her kno that yes you are her son and you will respect and take into account her thoughts feelings and viewpoints at the end of the day you will come to your own decision. she needs to understand that and you may need to remind her when shes crossing boundaries.

I hear you guys. Thanks for taking the time to write out your responses.

Its just the house is so quiet since my dad passed.

He was my only friend who told me he loved me. Every freaking morning