EventHorizon
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- Jul 21, 2012
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I'm not even sure where to begin with this, but I desperately need help translating the situation. Let me apologize for the length of this post, but I want you guys to have a clear picture of the situation. I’ve fallen HARD emotionally for a girl in a way that I didn’t even see coming. I'm not looking for a quick sexual encounter, and then on to greener pastures. I’ve got a feeling after I explain this situation, many people here will be screaming “Abort! Abort!” And maybe that is the wise decision, but I’m mainly interested in how you guys would approach WINNING this girl over, assuming you believe there is a potential to “get the girl”.
Let me start out with the bad. I’m 36 and the girl is 21. Now let me make it worse. I’m a manager at our office and she...is not a member of management. And our office has VERY strict policies regarding fraternization. In other words, we’d possibly both lose our jobs, even though she works in a different department. And a little more fuel for the fire- she lives with her older sister, who would definitely would not approve of the situation.
Its important that you understand her general personality so that you can relate it to this situation. Her friends say she comes across as cold and uncaring, but she is actually warm once you get to know her. They say it takes alot to get past her defenses. She is notorious for not answering texts, even among her closest friends. She has told me, verbatim, “my previous boyfriends all said i don’t show them enough emotion. I don’t seem to care. But it isn’t true” She has no kids, and currently she says she has no boyfriend.
About two months ago she approached me at work, and basically said she had a crush on me. At first I figured it was a joke, or that she was trying to get ahead in the company. Without a doubt, I can confirm that neither of those are true. So, once I got past those hurdles, I decided to ask her out.
We’ve been on two dates during the week that went well. Each was supposed to be only a brief meeting at the beach, but both turned in to dates that lasted for 5-6 hours. Nothing sexual has happened yet.
But here is the problem. The mixed signals. First the good: She tells me she likes me . If I text her, she always responds. At work I constantly see her “scanning” the area for me, and she has already admitted that she does this. If I “take a day off” and give her the cold shoulder, she immediately “ups her game” and tries to see if everything is OK. Last week she cooked for me, and discreetly brought the dinner to work.
However, when I’ve asked to see her out the past FOUR weekends I’ve had no success. Perhaps my approach isn’t forceful enough. I’ll usually say “If you have time this weekend, call me and we’ll get together.” I figured this would be enough considering how much she SAYS she likes me. But she never follows through.
Out of sheer frustration, I asked her if she would prefer that we simply remain friends at work. She immediately said that was NOT what she wanted, and that she was indeed attracted to me. "I like you. Alot. I'm very attracted to you. You’re the main reason I enjoy coming to work. But I don’t know how to handle you."
When I pressed her on how she could like someone so much, but blow him off every weekend, she hesitated and said "Its complex." When I tried to get her to define "complex", she immediately became restless and her entire disposition became withdrawn. She CLEARLY did not want to talk about it. I immediately thought “BOYFRIEND”, but her friends all say that her relationship ended months ago. She is also adamant that she has no boyfriend when i asked her. For the moment, I decided to let it go. We spent the rest of the week engaged in our usual banter. Nothing overtly flirtatious or sexual, as it was the workplace. And then Friday arrived....
She walked up to me and asked what I was doing for the weekend. I told her that I had no plans, and asked her what she was doing. She responded that she had nothing planned either. I took this as a green light and said "If you're available, give me a call on Saturday or Sunday. We can get together." She nodded and said "That might be nice." As she turned away, I felt my frustration boil over.
I called her back over and asked her why she didn't simply say "Yes, lets make plans." I then decided to lay all my cards on the table. I told her that if she just wanted to be friends, this was her chance to say so. I promised her that nothing would change at work. I wouldn’t ignore her or make anything difficult for her. I reminded her that all the texts she had from me were more than enough leverage for her to put me in a very bad position.
She responded by saying that she didn't feel threatened, and that she had no problem turning a man down. She then reiterated that she was attracted to me, but that “its complicated, and I’m working my way through it.” I got called away before we could continue our conversation, and I didn’t get a chance to see her the rest of the evening. On the way home I received a text that said “Sometimes I feel like I should let you go. I cause you too many problems.” I responded by saying “Tell me what you WANT and I can make it happen.” She never responded to this text, and the next day we acted like the discussion never took place. She went out of her way to be overly kind to me. This most recent Friday she said it would be nice if we could get together on Saturday. I made a sarcastic comment about that being impossible because "Saturday is part of the weekend", and then I walked away. I received a text later that evening that said "What you think of me is important to me."
So, the questions:
1) Am I being played, or does this girl actually like me? I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words. Whenever I’m around her, she actually seems interested. She stops what she is doing, she’ll “play punch” me. If I move in closer or slide my hand across her body she doesn’t move away, etc. But getting shot down every weekend is also an action, one that contradicts all of this.
2) If she likes me, how do I accelerate breaking this barrier? Should I be more aggressive? Should I respect the "working my way through it" line and take up a holding pattern?
3) A female friend of mine said that the combination of the age difference, a workplace romance (and thus the need to be secretive inside AND outside of work), an older sister and parents who would disapprove, probably has her "seized up like an old car engine" and she is trying to sort through everything, and is thus keeping me at arms length. Typical female bull****, or may she have a point?
I've never been in a situation with these types of mixed signals before.
Let me start out with the bad. I’m 36 and the girl is 21. Now let me make it worse. I’m a manager at our office and she...is not a member of management. And our office has VERY strict policies regarding fraternization. In other words, we’d possibly both lose our jobs, even though she works in a different department. And a little more fuel for the fire- she lives with her older sister, who would definitely would not approve of the situation.
Its important that you understand her general personality so that you can relate it to this situation. Her friends say she comes across as cold and uncaring, but she is actually warm once you get to know her. They say it takes alot to get past her defenses. She is notorious for not answering texts, even among her closest friends. She has told me, verbatim, “my previous boyfriends all said i don’t show them enough emotion. I don’t seem to care. But it isn’t true” She has no kids, and currently she says she has no boyfriend.
About two months ago she approached me at work, and basically said she had a crush on me. At first I figured it was a joke, or that she was trying to get ahead in the company. Without a doubt, I can confirm that neither of those are true. So, once I got past those hurdles, I decided to ask her out.
We’ve been on two dates during the week that went well. Each was supposed to be only a brief meeting at the beach, but both turned in to dates that lasted for 5-6 hours. Nothing sexual has happened yet.
But here is the problem. The mixed signals. First the good: She tells me she likes me . If I text her, she always responds. At work I constantly see her “scanning” the area for me, and she has already admitted that she does this. If I “take a day off” and give her the cold shoulder, she immediately “ups her game” and tries to see if everything is OK. Last week she cooked for me, and discreetly brought the dinner to work.
However, when I’ve asked to see her out the past FOUR weekends I’ve had no success. Perhaps my approach isn’t forceful enough. I’ll usually say “If you have time this weekend, call me and we’ll get together.” I figured this would be enough considering how much she SAYS she likes me. But she never follows through.
Out of sheer frustration, I asked her if she would prefer that we simply remain friends at work. She immediately said that was NOT what she wanted, and that she was indeed attracted to me. "I like you. Alot. I'm very attracted to you. You’re the main reason I enjoy coming to work. But I don’t know how to handle you."
When I pressed her on how she could like someone so much, but blow him off every weekend, she hesitated and said "Its complex." When I tried to get her to define "complex", she immediately became restless and her entire disposition became withdrawn. She CLEARLY did not want to talk about it. I immediately thought “BOYFRIEND”, but her friends all say that her relationship ended months ago. She is also adamant that she has no boyfriend when i asked her. For the moment, I decided to let it go. We spent the rest of the week engaged in our usual banter. Nothing overtly flirtatious or sexual, as it was the workplace. And then Friday arrived....
She walked up to me and asked what I was doing for the weekend. I told her that I had no plans, and asked her what she was doing. She responded that she had nothing planned either. I took this as a green light and said "If you're available, give me a call on Saturday or Sunday. We can get together." She nodded and said "That might be nice." As she turned away, I felt my frustration boil over.
I called her back over and asked her why she didn't simply say "Yes, lets make plans." I then decided to lay all my cards on the table. I told her that if she just wanted to be friends, this was her chance to say so. I promised her that nothing would change at work. I wouldn’t ignore her or make anything difficult for her. I reminded her that all the texts she had from me were more than enough leverage for her to put me in a very bad position.
She responded by saying that she didn't feel threatened, and that she had no problem turning a man down. She then reiterated that she was attracted to me, but that “its complicated, and I’m working my way through it.” I got called away before we could continue our conversation, and I didn’t get a chance to see her the rest of the evening. On the way home I received a text that said “Sometimes I feel like I should let you go. I cause you too many problems.” I responded by saying “Tell me what you WANT and I can make it happen.” She never responded to this text, and the next day we acted like the discussion never took place. She went out of her way to be overly kind to me. This most recent Friday she said it would be nice if we could get together on Saturday. I made a sarcastic comment about that being impossible because "Saturday is part of the weekend", and then I walked away. I received a text later that evening that said "What you think of me is important to me."
So, the questions:
1) Am I being played, or does this girl actually like me? I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words. Whenever I’m around her, she actually seems interested. She stops what she is doing, she’ll “play punch” me. If I move in closer or slide my hand across her body she doesn’t move away, etc. But getting shot down every weekend is also an action, one that contradicts all of this.
2) If she likes me, how do I accelerate breaking this barrier? Should I be more aggressive? Should I respect the "working my way through it" line and take up a holding pattern?
3) A female friend of mine said that the combination of the age difference, a workplace romance (and thus the need to be secretive inside AND outside of work), an older sister and parents who would disapprove, probably has her "seized up like an old car engine" and she is trying to sort through everything, and is thus keeping me at arms length. Typical female bull****, or may she have a point?
I've never been in a situation with these types of mixed signals before.
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