Might have a sticky situation on the horizon(long)...mature and serious input welcome

[Wyldfire]

Daughter's father = DF (I'm abbreviating to try to help clear up any confusion about who is who..this is my youngest child's father.)

Okay, here's the basic run-down of the situation. I got a mother's day card and letter from DF today. This is a first and was entirely unexpected. I'm trying to sort out what, if anything this might mean. First some history...

During much of the time that I was with my fiance who died, DF pursued me off and on (over a 5 year period). When I'm with someone, I am with them and never encourage other men in any way...I don't even notice other men if I'm in love. I was head over heels in love with my fiance for the entire time I was with him. I hardly even spoke to DF over that time. We had friends in common and were sometimes around each other but that's about the extent of it. About every woman in the town we lived chased after him and he was the most sought after guy in the area. I showed no interest in him at all which is probably why he was intrigued enough to try to get me interested for so long.

When my fiance was gone I got involved with DF's best friend. DF was still pursuing me and especially harder after he heard that I was single after so long. After I got involved with his best friend he got involved with someone else. Well, the guy I was involved with and DF's girlfriend messed around and we both found out about it. Basically, we had a short "grudge fling". Our daughter was conceived at that time.

We (DF and I) had never really been a couple and we've never fought or had any problems at all. When we went to court to sort out custody, child support and visitation I had coached him before hand to just follow my lead, which he did and we set things up as equal as possible. It took all of an hour and we didn't even have to go in front of a judge...we worked it out with a case manager and child support official. We have no negative past at all.

For those wondering why we didn't get together for our daughter...our lifestyles were very different. He smoked pot and did cocaine once in awhile. I am vehemently anti-drug and flat out refuse to get involved with anyone who does drugs, no exceptions. His family adores me and I adore them and I am very close to his mother. My parents are both deceased and none of my sisters have met him. They have all met his Mom and like her very much.

Up until a couple of years ago he was doing well, was about as perfect as a father as he could be. Unfortunately, he got involved with a woman who introduced him to a wilder lifestyle and people. He started messing around with heroin and became one heck of a hot mess. He stopped seeing our daughter and my ex husband moved to the state we were living and started harassing me and our children. I ended up moving a couple of states away after my ex husband assaulted one of my sons and was stalking the other one who did not want to see him (for very good reason).

So the woman DF got involved with had a psycho ex who went after him with an axe. DF wrestled it away from him and beat his ass from what I hear. So the psycho ex of DF's girlfriend at the time goes to the police and files assault charges. DF got probation and had to do a work crew and got pissed one day and walked off work crew. This was before he became a mess. They put a warrant out for him and served it almost a year later. He got arrested and was in jail for about 3 weeks. He recently chose to max out the sentence so he doesn't have to deal with probation. It's about 3 months in jail. So that's where he is now. He got clean and has been drug free for about 6 months and is working hard to rebuild his relationship with our daughter. Over the time he was a mess I told her that her Daddy loves her very much and was going through a rough time right now and had to take care of that so he could be the best Daddy to her he can be. There is a strict rule in my home that no one is to ever speak negatively about her Dad, and that rule has always been followed religiously.

Basically, his behavior is completely out of character for him regarding the card and letter to me. I'm not sure whether this change is a combination of him trying to make up for what I'm sure he perceives as a major screw up by him, a show of gratitude for me not punishing him for his mistakes and being lonely in jail...or if there's a bit more to it than that. He spent Christmas with his brothers, their wives and his mother and her husband...and as I mentioned before...his family adores me. I've gotten the impression from all of them that they wish he and I were together, but they only do this very passively and subtly. I'm figuring they have done the same to him, but perhaps less subtly since he is family. I'm quite sure it's possible that they have put ideas in his head. I have always genuinely cared about him...he's the father of my child and we've never given each other reason to think badly of each other. Aside from his major stumble, he's been a wonderful father...and there is no reason at all for me to hold that stumble against him because he is genuinely doing everything he can to overcome and rise above it.

He gets out of jail in 2 months, and he had said not too long ago that he would like to come to visit for awhile this summer. I've always made it clear that he is welcome to come visit our daughter anytime he wants to, including holidays..there is an open invitation. He has also asked lots of questions about the area we live in. He has cut essentially all of his friends out of his life because he knows he needs to do that to stay clean. He's talked with his family about moving away from where he lives and starting over. He loves and misses our daughter very much. If he were to ask to stay here I would let him as long as he stays clean...he is family and I will support and help him keep it together in any way I can. That being said...I really don't know how I would or should handle it if it turns out that he wants for he and I to get together romantically. Now that he is not doing any drugs at all the reason I had for not allowing things to evolve into a romantic relationship are gone. I am a commitment phobe and am very happy being single. Unlike a lot of women, it honestly does really suit me...at least for now. I may feel differently as my older kids begin to leave home and life becomes more quiet.

I could be over-analyzing, but my gut instinct tells me that I'm not. Part of me feels obligated to give it a shot if he asks. The other part of me loves the fact that we get along so well and there is no emotional history to make things difficult raising our daughter. The potential decision I may be faced with is really weighing heavily on my mind. I'd like to sort out how I would handle things should I find myself faced with having to make a decision on this potential situation.

Any mature and serious input is very welcome. I'm in the process of sorting through it, but would like to hear what some others have to say in the event there may be something I miss. I hope that anyone who has the urge to flamebait will save it for another thread...this is a very serious topic and I would really appreciate that it be treated as such. Sorry for the length...but I feel the only way to get valuable input is to provide the entire story rather than a few bits and pieces. Thanks...

 

[Last Man Standing]

Okay, here's the basic run-down of the situation. I got a mother's day card and letter from my 7 year old daughter's father today. This is a first and was entirely unexpected. I'm trying to sort out what, if anything this might mean. First some history...

During much of the time that I was with my fiance who died, my daughter's father pursued me off and on (over a 5 year period). When I'm with someone, I am with them and never encourage other men in any way...I don't even notice other men if I'm in love. I was head over heels in love with my fiance for the entire time I was with him. I hardly even spoke to my daughter's father over that time. We had friends in common and were sometimes around each other but that's about the extent of it. About every woman in the town we lived chased after him and he was the most sought after guy in the area. I showed no interest in him at all which is probably why he was intrigued enough to try to get me interested for so long.

When my fiance was gone I got involved with my daughter's father's best friend. Her dad was still pursuing me and especially harder after he heard that I was single after so long. After I got involved with his best friend he got involved with someone else. Well, the guy I was involved with and my daughter's father's girlfriend messed around and we both found out about it. Basically, we had a short "grudge fling". Our daughter was conceived at that time.

We had never really been a couple and we've never fought or had any problems at all. When we went to court to sort out custody, child support and visitation I had coached him before hand to just follow my lead, which he did and we set things up as equal as possible. It took all of an hour and we didn't even have to go in front of a judge...we worked it out with a case manager and child support official. We have no negative past at all.

For those wondering why we didn't get together for our daughter...our lifestyles were very different. He smoked pot and did cocaine once in awhile. I am vehemently anti-drug and flat out refuse to get involved with anyone who does drugs, no exceptions. His family adores me and I adore them and I am very close to his mother. My parents are both deceased and none of my sisters have met him. They have all met his Mom and like her very much.

Up until a couple of years ago he was doing well, was about as perfect as a father as he could be. Unfortunately, he got involved with a woman who introduced him to a wilder lifestyle and people. He started messing around with heroin and became one heck of a hot mess. He stopped seeing our daughter and my ex husband moved to the state we were living and started harassing me and our children. I ended up moving a couple of states away after my ex husband assaulted one of my sons and was stalking the other one who did not want to see him (for very good reason).

So the woman my daughter's father got involved with had a psycho ex who went after him with an axe. Her dad wrestled it away from him and beat his ass from what I hear. So the ex goes to the police and files assault charges. He got probation and had to do a work crew and got pissed one day and walked off work crew. This was before he became a mess. They put a warrant out for him and served it almost a year later. He got arrested and was in jail for about 3 weeks. He recently chose to max out the sentence so he doesn't have to deal with probation. It's about 3 months in jail. So that's where he is now. He got clean and has been drug free for about 6 months and is working hard to rebuild his relationship with our daughter. Over the time he was a mess I told her that her Daddy loves her very much and was going through a rough time right now and had to take care of that so he could be the best Daddy to her he can be. There is a strict rule in my home that no one is to ever speak negatively about her Dad, and that rule has always been followed religiously.

Basically, his behavior is completely out of character for him regarding the card and letter to me. I'm not sure whether this change is a combination of him trying to make up for what I'm sure he perceives as a major screw up by him, a show of gratitude for me not punishing him for his mistakes and being lonely in jail...or if there's a bit more to it than that. He spent Christmas with his brothers, their wives and his mother and her husband...and as I mentioned before...his family adores me. I've gotten the impression from all of them that they wish he and I were together, but they only do this very passively and subtly. I'm figuring they have done the same to him, but perhaps less subtly since he is family. I'm quite sure it's possible that they have put ideas in his head. I have always genuinely cared about im...he's the father of my child and we've never given each other reason to think badly of each other. Aside from his major stumble, he's been a wonderful father...and there is no reason at all for me to hold that stumble against him because he is genuinely doing everything he can to overcome and rise above it.

He gets out of jail in 2 months, and he had said not too long ago that he would like to come to visit for awhile this summer. I've always made it clear that he is welcome to come visit our daughter anytime he wants to, including holidays..there is an open invitation. He has also asked lots of questions about the area we live in. He has cut essentially all of his friends out of his life because he knows he needs to do that to stay clean. He's talked with his family about moving away from where he lives and starting over. He loves and misses our daughter very much. If he were to ask to stay here I would let him as long as he stays clean...he is family and I will support and help him keep it together in any way I can. That being said...I really don't know how I would or should handle it if it turns out that he wants for he and I to get together romantically. Now that he is not doing any drugs at all the reason I had for not allowing things to evolve into a romantic relationship are gone. I am a commitment phobe and am very happy being single. Unlike a lot of women, it honestly does really suit me...at least for now. I may feel differently as my older kids begin to leave home and life becomes more quiet.

I could be over-analyzing, but my gut instinct tells me that I'm not. Part of me feels obligated to give it a shot if he asks. The other part of me loves the fact that we get along so well and there is no emotional history to make things difficult raising our daughter. The potential decision I may be faced with is really weighing heavily on my mind. I'd like to sort out how I would handle things should I find myself faced with having to make a decision on this potential situation.

Any mature and serious input is very welcome. I'm in the process of sorting through it, but would like to hear what some others have to say in the event there may be something I miss. I hope that anyone who has the urge to flamebait will save it for another thread...this is a very serious topic and I would really appreciate that it be treated as such. Sorry for the length...but I feel the only way to get valuable input is to provide the entire story rather than a few bits and pieces. Thanks...

Wild woman on fire, I tried to follow your post as long as I could but I surrendered to my better judgment!

Sure, I've been drinking - which makes it even more difficult to follow your "My daughter's baby's daddy girlfriend's father" references!!!! I just can't do it!!!

Your vocabulary usage and life is typical of today;s drama happenings with women who have children out of wedlock - "chaos" is the word that describes it best!!!!

 

[PRMoon]

True to form, real life is always stranger than fiction.

First off former drug users will fight that battle for the rest of their life in one way or another. So even if you don't decide to see him romatically and do decide to let him back into yours and your child's life then you absolutely must keep that in the back of your mind at all times. If things in his life spiral downward to some degree then you have to realize there's a stong chance he'll seek comfort and escape in using. It's that way with former alcoholics and narcotic abusers alike. Not a pretty reality but it's reality none the less. That should be the biggest battle in your mind from your stand point. Having said that you should really talk to him at arms length first and make him understand that you won't tolorate such slip ups in anyway shape or form. Make him realize that he's not an outsider but will become such if his lifestyle reverts. Then work on rebuilding your relationship with him from scratch. If the two of you rediscover yourselves you could potentially build a stronger bond then the first one you had and bring it to the next level.

 

[Phyzzle]

You have got to have an understanding of what you're taking on:

http://www.crackreality.com/julie.htm

Are you really ready to boot him out/call the cops at the 1st sign of trouble? Are you ready to see this guy sleep in a box on the street? Or is it going to be "just one more chance" when he messes up?

I would be up for this for a close friend - but I don't live alone with kids.

 

[lookyoung]

This guy is a big time loser. Why would you get involved with a guy that does drugs . You have made some very bad decisions in your life, And to top it off get involved with his best friend . That is a big NO NO. A true lady does not get with her daughters father best friend. And if your daughters father was a Real man who had morals he would have never fvcked you again. He is a chump AFC. A scumbag, He is the lowest of the low.

This guy is not someone you should want around your daughter. He is an AFC who is not secure with himself. A real man does not do heroin. This guy is a threat to you and your daughter. He is nothing but bad news.

Wyld fire your over 40 years old yet you get yourself into these stupid situations. Wyld fire read some books on being confident with yourself. It seems to me that you go out with the biggest losers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I were you I would not let him know where I live and talk to him via the telephone and that is it.

BTW sorry for being so blunt, but I am just being honest.

 

[Wyldfire]

True to form, real life is always stranger than fiction.

First off former drug users will fight that battle for the rest of their life in one way or another. So even if you don't decide to see him romatically and do decide to let him back into yours and your child's life then you absolutely must keep that in the back of your mind at all times. If things in his life spiral downward to some degree then you have to realize there's a stong chance he'll seek comfort and escape in using. It's that way with former alcoholics and narcotic abusers alike. Not a pretty reality but it's reality none the less. That should be the biggest battle in your mind from your stand point. Having said that you should really talk to him at arms length first and make him understand that you won't tolorate such slip ups in anyway shape or form. Make him realize that he's not an outsider but will become such if his lifestyle reverts. Then work on rebuilding your relationship with him from scratch. If the two of you rediscover yourselves you could potentially build a stronger bond then the first one you had and bring it to the next level.

That's one of the first things that came to my mind. I made my feelings about drugs very clear to him a long time ago. In fact, that's probably why he didn't try to see or talk to our daughter during the worst of it. He knows me well enough to know that I have no tolerance for nonsense in relationships. I've got quite a reputation as being someone who can walk away and never look back, and I'm the most non-needy/dependent person you could imagine. This is also a discussion that I would insist on having in the event my gut instinct is right. I'm a very matter of fact type of person. While I am extremely tolerant of allowing people to be human and make mistakes...I put my children and their best interests first no matter what.

 

[Wyldfire]

You have got to have an understanding of what you're taking on:

http://www.crackreality.com/julie.htm

Are you really ready to boot him out/call the cops at the 1st sign of trouble? Are you ready to see this guy sleep in a box on the street? Or is it going to be "just one more chance" when he messes up?

I would be up for this for a close friend - but I don't live alone with kids.

I was married to an alcoholic for 10 years and my best friend of 6 years spent the last two years of his life battling a fierce opiate addiction before he died of an overdose. I do know the reality and magnitude of how difficult a situation substance abuse is for those watching someone suffer from it. In fact, I'm an Al-Anon veteran.

As I mentioned in my last post...I always put my kids' best interest first, don't have a problem walking away and am well known for not tolerating nonsense. I have the ability to emotionally detach from someone else's addiction and I would not have a problem kicking him out if he ever brought drugs around my children. He also respects me far too much to ever do that and knows how strong my feelings are about drugs. He also loves our daughter far too much than to expose her to that. For her, he would go elsewhere if he were to ever slip. He would not want her to see him like that...I'm positive of that. He also did the same thing with his family when he was a mess. He stayed away from them and tried to hide how bad things were.

This is one thing I'm not concerned about being able to deal with. My number one concern is that if we were to try and it didn't work that it might change how well we currently get along. My ex husband is an absolute nightmare to deal with. My daughter's father has never been like that...it's complete opposites. I do base all my romantic relationships on building a strong and genuine friendship since I left my ex husband. Every other man I've ever been involved with since my marriage ended still holds me in very high regard as I do them. Ironically, my daughter's Dad is the only man I ever was physically intimate with that was not in a relationship of at least 6 months or more. He is the only "fling" I ever had, and flings are not my style at all. Because of this I have no idea how a romantic relationship with him would be. He wanted that before I learned I was pregnant, but I moved to a different town to avoid him, his best friend (the guy I had been involved with) and his best friend's roommate who all were pursuing me at one time. I couldn't deal with it and got the hell out of dodge, so to speak.

 

[Wyldfire]

This guy is a big time loser. Why would you get involved with a guy that does drugs . You have made some very bad decisions in your life, And to top it off get involved with his best friend . That is a big NO NO. A true lady does not get with her daughters father best friend. And if your daughters father was a Real man who had morals he would have never fvcked you again. He is a chump AFC. A scumbag, He is the lowest of the low.

This guy is not someone you should want around your daughter. He is an AFC who is not secure with himself. A real man does not do heroin. This guy is a threat to you and your daughter. He is nothing but bad news.

Wyld fire your over 40 years old yet you get yourself into these stupid situations. Wyld fire read some books on being confident with yourself. It seems to me that you go out with the biggest losers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I were you I would not let him know where I live and talk to him via the telephone and that is it.

BTW sorry for being so blunt, but I am just being honest.

I was involved with his best friend for about 8 months. His best friend and his girlfriend slept together while his best friend was with me and he was with his girlfriend. We slept together twice after dumping them. We also used protection, but that's a whole other story. I consider abortion to be murder and am vehemently against it and even if I were raped and got pregnant I would not have an abortion. This was the only "fling" I ever had in my 41 years. I didn't get romantically involved with him BECAUSE he used drugs. That's also the same reason I would not have a romantic relationship with my best friend of 6 years despite the fact that we loved each other very much. He had a drug problem and I hate drugs. I did everything I could to avoid getting pregnant, but that protection failed. My daughter's father has been 100% drug free for about 6 months, so he is not using drugs anymore. He is 35 years old and is doing all the things he should be doing to avoid relapse, including turning his back on friends he has had since he was a young boy. He wants to stay clean. Will he slip, it's hard to say. That's one of the things I am considering and will have to put a great deal of consideration into.

I'd appreciate that you not turn this into a discussion about what you think I may have done wrong by he and I having a brief fling after the people we were with cheated together on us. It's not about any of that. It's about the current situation and input about that only. This is why I specifically requested mature and serious input. If you aren't able to focus on the actual situation I would rather you not offer input at all. It's not often I ask for input on here and on the rare occasion I do I am looking for people to really put thought into their replies. I appreciate you wanting to offer input, though, I only ask that you keep the input about the situation and not unnecessary commentary. Thanks.

 

[Bad_Lil'Pixie]

I am sure for length you may have left out some details. So my thoughts may be based on items not covered.

-His recent addiction most likely wiped him out financially.
-He's in jail currently and probably doesn't have a home and hearth awaiting him
-He probably lost some of those mutual friends and could even be rather ashamed of his actions.
-He could even be wanting a hit as soon as he out; he is still addicted, now it's all down to will power.
-Blaming a woman for his current addiction and situation is a HUGE RED FLAG, to me it show imbalances and unhealthy emotional habits.

So, in short he's broke, homeless, lonely and unstable. I have to really think he's desperately looking for a "care-giver" and he is doing it under a ruse of "affection" toward his daughter and you.

Personally, he'd not go near my daughter until time helped prove his recovery.

I do not know if any of the guys can back this up or not, I've heard it in several places, but when an addict is jailed and offered "recovery" classes MANY, MANY times they only learn a better con. They learn ways NOT to get caught and how to disguise their habits better.

Even though your post was long I am sure it doesn't cover the entire picture, but from what I see my first thoughts were of him only looking out for himself and USING YOU to do so.

 

[Sinistar]

Since you asked for mature/serious input...

He is your father's daughter - we got that. He is also simply an 'ex'. And they're called that for a reason. The very reason(s) you used to end the 1st relationship with him will most likely be tha same reason(s) you use to end it the 2nd time, 3rd time, etc, etc, etc. You're a woman so get in touch with all of your feelings - I'm willing to bet that somewhere, beneath the current feeling/desire that you're allowing to build - is that other feeling that says this ain't gonna end good. That feeling is your gut. Why not follow it?

Your post is also a great example of actions versus words w/r to women. Your words hint that you might entertain another relationship with this guy. But your actions speak even louder. It is large enough in your thoughts that you took the effort to post about it. The post was lengthy. You avoided branding him an 'ex' or 'drug abuser' in favor of 'daughter's father'. And all this stemmed from a Mother's Day card.

Now following that line of thought (ie actions vs words) you have shared your past experiences. However, what we *see* and what you *see* are probably significantly different.

You actions (from your past relationships) appear to gravitate towards codepedent relationships where the other party has at least one major form of distress. And what better than to fall into a codependent relationship that with someone who needs rescuing. Do you see it now. Perhaps it will take yet another failed relationship. Perhaps you will never see it.

A good friend of mine (former licensed practicing counselor) always looks first for family-based (ie your parents and siblings) issues specifically drug and alcohol dependence. And if that history is there, the first thing you need to do is understand how it has affected your ability to see things clearly and make good high-esteem'd decisions instead of selecting codependent/self-destructive friendships and relationships. Now perhaps you grew up in a clean/sober home with two great parents - I hope so. However, the past you describe and the types of relationships you describe seem to indicate otherwise.

Wlydfire you know at least this fact: There are literally millions of guys out there would make a better relationship choice than "your daughter's father". Heck, even the multitudes of AFC's out there would be a better choice. And a good choice here (stable good value system selection by you) will end up giving this daughter a positive role model.

Why is that you have not (or possibly refuse to) date stable MEN with good value systems instead of criminals and substance abusers?

It happens here all the time (including myself). We post one thing yet the crowds chant back something we don't necessarily want to hear - every wonder why that is?

 

[Interceptor]

I guess your best bet is to give him a chance to romance you. Find out if he can do that.
Can he show you that he's a good man, with real romantic feelings, and is he affectionate enough for you?
Perhaps he can stay sober longer and more commitedly if he knew he would have your support.
Maybe knowing that you'd give him a chance may help him motivate himself to stay clean and continue to be a good father.
If it doesn't work out , I get ther feeling that he would still stay a good father but the realtionship betwen you two might get tense, as many do. So be prepared for that outcome.
One thing, you mey need to consider if this is happening at a time in which you are not that romanticaly active.
Meaning, are you at least out there, dating and such?
If you're not, then I can see how this situation can be more intriguing and appealing to you than it may really be.
As was said, there are plenty of "good" guys whom are probably far better choices. But I do see your point in perhaps trying to get some sort of order and "symmetry" in this relationship.
So basically, I say give him a chance but be on guard.
However, remember that this means that you can't completely put up your guard, and essentially become cold, 'unfemenine" and "asexual".
Meaning, sure, yeah, you're with him, but you're not really there and OPEN to him. Know what I mean?
If you want something to work out you know you have to give a guy something to work with is what I''m saying.

 

[Wyldfire]

I am sure for length you may have left out some details. So my thoughts may be based on items not covered.

-His recent addiction most likely wiped him out financially.
-He's in jail currently and probably doesn't have a home and hearth awaiting him
-He probably lost some of those mutual friends and could even be rather ashamed of his actions.
-He could even be wanting a hit as soon as he out; he is still addicted, now it's all down to will power.
-Blaming a woman for his current addiction and situation is a HUGE RED FLAG, to me it show imbalances and unhealthy emotional habits.

So, in short he's broke, homeless, lonely and unstable. I have to really think he's desperately looking for a "care-giver" and he is doing it under a ruse of "affection" toward his daughter and you.

Personally, he'd not go near my daughter until time helped prove his recovery.

I do not know if any of the guys can back this up or not, I've heard it in several places, but when an addict is jailed and offered "recovery" classes MANY, MANY times they only learn a better con. They learn ways NOT to get caught and how to disguise their habits better.

Even though your post was long I am sure it doesn't cover the entire picture, but from what I see my first thoughts were of him only looking out for himself and USING YOU to do so.

He only went to jail last week. He got clean on his own and maintained that for 6 months living in the same town all those same friends live in. He has never blamed the woman. I am not blaming her either. He made the choice, ultimately. The point was that his involvement with her introduced him to a new group of people who were doing hard drugs. He's not homeless...he has been living in his mother's second home and he has family he can stay with. His love for our daughter is not a "ruse". She is 7 years old. Prior to the last almost 2 years he was very involved in her life. He always wanted to be. However, opiate addiction is a very ugly beast and when your body is addicted to it physically you end up basing your entire existence on just finding enough of the drug to keep withdrawl away. From what I have seen and been told, opiate withdrawl feels like imminent death.

You've added your own assumptions under your own belief that there must be more to the story than I have posted. You're wrong. I have included all pertinent information.

 

[Wyldfire]

Sinistar...while I appreciate you making the effort to offer input...it's clear that you either did not read the entire post or did not pay close enough attention. Her father is NOT an "ex". We never had a romantic relationship. His best friend and I were together for 8 months. Her father and I had a VERY brief fling (had sex twice using protection) after we found out that the people we were involved with had cheated on us with our respective partners. There is absolutely NO past emotional history between my daughter's father and I. We have never argued, fought or even disagreed about how to raise our daughter. We actually have always gotten along great.

I would not ever pursue a relationship with my daughter's father, and that is not the purpose of my original post. My gut instinct is telling me that he is possibly positioning himself to try to pursue one with me and I started the thread because I wanted to get some input to consider while I am sorting out how I will handle this IF it's something I find myself faced with.

 

[Interceptor]

I would not ever pursue a relationship with my daughter's father, and that is not the purpose of my original post.

Ok, strange though after such a long post this is not what I thought you would have meant.I got the opposite feeling from you post in fact.
My bad. I apologize.
I thought you were thinking about perhaps pursuing a realtionship, but you state that you are not.

 

[Wyldfire]

I guess your best bet is to give him a chance to romance you. Find out if he can do that.
Can he show you that he's a good man, with real romantic feelings, and is he affectionate enough for you?
Perhaps he can stay sober longer and more commitedly if he knew he would have your support.
Maybe knowing that you'd give him a chance may help him motivate himself to stay clean and continue to be a good father.
If it doesn't work out , I get ther feeling that he would still stay a good father but the realtionship betwen you two might get tense, as many do. So be prepared for that outcome.
One thing, you mey need to consider if this is happening at a time in which you are not that romanticaly active.
Meaning, are you at least out there, dating and such?
If you're not, then I can see how this situation can be more intriguing and appealing to you than it may really be.
As was said, there are plenty of "good" guys whom are probably far better choices. But I do see your point in perhaps trying to get some sort of order and "symmetry" in this relationship.
So basically, I say give him a chance but be on guard.
However, remember that this means that you can't completely put up your guard, and essentially become cold, 'unfemenine" and "asexual".
Meaning, sure, yeah, you're with him, but you're not really there and OPEN to him. Know what I mean?
If you want something to work out you know you have to give a guy something to work with is what I''m saying.

No, I'm not dating. I'm very happy being single and have never been one to be interested in someone simply because they are interested in me. Regardless of what he's looking for or what happens I am going to offer my emotional and moral support to him. He's my daughter's father and is family. I care about him very much as the father of my child. We have always been very attracted to each other and I will not enter a romantic relationship with someone if I am not prepared to give 100%. Although I have gone through hell with my first relationship and 10 year marriage it hasn't affected my other relationships. I trust by default until I am given reason not to trust. I guess I'm fortunate in that I unpack my baggage as I go because I am a very positive and happy person and I don't like carrying around any crap that makes me feel lousy. At the same time I'm incredibly strong. I have written a letter in response to the letter he wrote to me. In it I updated him about how our daughter is and what we've been doing since we last spoke (a couple of weeks ago). I printed out 4 large photos of our little girl for him to put on the wall by his bed and did my best to encourage him, let him know he should be very proud of himself for how well he's doing and basically trying to reframe him being in jail as an opportunity to take advantage of the educational programs and self improvement programs while he gets the time out of the way and doesn't have to deal with probation again. I also had our daughter write a letter to him and draw and color a picture for him and make a card for him. It showed that I care and support him but had no romantic type stuff in it at all.

Thanks for your imput...I appreciate that you took the time to read everything and really put thought into your response.

 

[Nighthawk]

Now that he is not doing any drugs at all the reason I had for not allowing things to evolve into a romantic relationship are gone. I am a commitment phobe and am very happy being single. Unlike a lot of women, it honestly does really suit me...at least for now. I may feel differently as my older kids begin to leave home and life becomes more quiet.

I could be over-analyzing, but my gut instinct tells me that I'm not. Part of me feels obligated to give it a shot if he asks.

If the thought doesn't turn your stomach I'd say you owe it to your daughter to give it a shot.

But it's really your call.

 

[Wyldfire]

Ok, strange though after such a long post this is not what I thought you would have meant.I got the opposite feeling from you post in fact.
My bad. I apologize.
I thought you were thinking about perhaps pursuing a realtionship, but you state that you are not.

lol...I guess I could see how you might think that. I think that HE might be going to start pursuing that with me and I'm just trying to sort out how I am going to deal with that IF he does. The reason I would not get involved with him beyond the fling almost 8 years ago was because of the drugs, which were much more minor than what he was doing before getting clean 6 months ago. I really believe he will stay clean from the hard drugs. He really was not big on those or drinking until he was around people who were into those things and his girlfriend at the time was into them. Up until the last 6 months he did always smoke pot, though...and I won't even be with someone who does that much. He knows this about me, as well.

 

[Interceptor]

OK, Wyld. One thing though you state that you care abou thim very much and you are "attracted" to him.
But you still are vehemntly opposed to any kind of romantic relationship with him, right?
Right now, I'm not sure of your words, Wyld. I read your words, but I feel something else.
Anyway, let's suppose that for a fact you have most definitely made up your mind that a relationshiop with him is a No Go.
Be very, very careful of your communications with him.
This can be very dangerous. As you well know, that sometimes good, kind hearted well meaning people may offer their support but their communication is still misinterpreted by the receiver, due to their high interest and romantic illusions.
Wyld, you're in a tough spot. You should be commended for supporting him, but be very careful that your support not be perceived as leading, or a "perhaps, maybe" situation for him.
At this point, he is very emotional, and at a weak stage. He is probably fantasizing abuot a life with you and him and your daughter together, a happy fairy tale ending, girl. Be very careful here.

Your support could make or break him.

If he gets out and comes to see you and you let him know then and there that you were never interested in him romantically it could be devastating.
You may even have him relapse, or worse.
Again, he is in a very delicate emotional state of mind.
He neds support no doubt, but this is a strange situation and has the potential for disaster.
If you knew that he was not that emotionally strong before, as most drug users are unfortunately, you could have a very bad situation blow up in your face.

 

[Wyldfire]

If the thought doesn't turn your stomach I'd say you owe it to your daughter to give it a shot.

But it's really your call.

That is one of the things I am considering. I'm weighing it against the risk of things changing in a negative way if we do try and it doesn't work. I really, really like the fact that we have no emotional history because it allows us to be entirely focused on our roles as parents and we work together wonderfully. I also kind of feel like I would owe it to him as well as our daughter. There is that risk that is on my mind too, though. It will be such a tough call if I end up faced with the situation I'm sensing might be coming.

 

[Wyldfire]

OK, Wyld. One thing though you state that you care abou thim very much and you are "attracted" to him.
But you still are vehemntly opposed to any kind of romantic relationship with him, right?
Right now, I'm not sure of your words, Wyld. I read your words, but I feel something else.
Anyway, let's suppose that for a fact you have most definitely made up your mind that a relationshiop with him is a No Go.
Be very, very careful of your communications with him.
This can be very dangerous. As you well know, that sometimes good, kind hearted well meaning people may offer their support but their communication is still misinterpreted by the receiver, due to their high interest and romantic illusions.
Wyld, you're in a tough spot. You should be commended for supporting him, but be very careful that your support not be perceived as leading, or a "perhaps, maybe" situation for him.
At this point, he is very emotional, and at a weak stage. He is probably fantasizing abuot a life with you and him and your daughter together, a happy fairy tale ending, girl. Be very careful here.

Your support could make or break him.

If he gets out and comes to see you and you let him know then and there that you were never interested in him romantically it could be devastating.
You may even have him relapse, or worse.
Again, he is in a very delicate emotional state of mind.
He neds support no doubt, but this is a strange situation and has the potential for disaster.
If you knew that he was not that emotionally strong before, as most drug users are unfortunately, you could have a very bad situation blow up in your face.

Yes, I know that risk is there...which is why I'm taking the situation VERY seriously. I would never do anything to hurt him and would never lead him on. I was very careful in the letter to be supportive without going beyond the kinds of things he would hear from his siblings or mother. He also knows that it's my nature to be considerate and supportive. He probably wouldn't read more into it. I'm more concerned about what his family might be saying to him, because they all would really like to see us together. I pick up on that from them, but it's pretty subtle. They're likely to be less subtle with him. I know how he could be impacted by things I do or say, and I am being very careful with that.