Middle spot between nice guy and jerk

[RestUnknown]

How does one achieve this? I notice I’m becoming more of a jerk than one who is still nice, but doesn’t let people ‘use’ me.

I’m an #ss in traffic to drivers who do the slightest thing wrong. At work I’m an #ss to customers who don’t do what they need to do, fun fact is that in my kind of work I’m allowed to do that. But today a female colleague suddenly spurted out ‘you know why you’re single right, you’re just too nice’.

But what am I supposed to do than to my colleagues and friends? Just call them b!tches and #ssholes? Because I simply don’t know how to get rid of the image. When I don’t feel like doing something, I don’t do it, it must be something else than, but what? That same colleague also told me once that she thinks I’m not an easy guy in a relationship. That I might be nice up until a certain point, so I don’t what to believe of her.

I know it’s a common occurence that nice guys go completely to the other side of the spectrum, to be honest I wouldn’t mind, but I do mind the fact that I might ruin some stuff like friendships or work atmosphere, basically with people I still have to see on a regular basis.

 

[wifehunter]

Nice guys are creepy in that they are usually trying to 'win you over' neglecting themselves in the process.

They really don't know who they really are, because they've spent their life is trying to please everyone else, instead of persueing awesomeness.

 

[ohrein]

Just focus on being an authentic person. Don't confuse this with being yourself, you can always be better than you are. Be authentic. "of undisputed origin and not a copy; genuine." If you're a nice person, be a nice person. But be a nice person because that's what you are, not being you're trying to prove anything or gain approval or because of social pressures. Being authentic means you don't give a **** if some random co worker thinks you're too nice. Girls who think guys are too nice are basically telegraphing their daddy issues anyway.

Where "nice guys" fall into the traps past being a nice guy is that they stop acting authentically. They are trying to achieve something by being nice, whether it's social points, a goal or to get some tail. That makes them not nice at all, but actually manipulative.

 

[sangheilios]

If you feel the need to act a certain way to better your chances with woman you are going to be very disappointed with both yourself and the even worse results you will have. Women that go for bad boys and jerks are generally very immature and have issues, so naturally you'd want to avoid them.

Men that are legitimately nice and genuine are almost always well liked by everyone, who the hell would ever want to be around a guy who is mean and inconsiderate. Now, this does not mean be a total pushover or bend over backwards and compromise yourself for the benefit of everyone else.

"Nice guys" are usually the ones who behave in an appeasing manner with other people, woman as well, in hopes of gaining something from that. They aren't genuine and usually approach life in a passive aggressive manner. I don't think people like this are all that common but you'd definitely peg this guy as a true beta.

Work on bettering yourself as an individual but always be genuine, as the above poster mentioned there is always something one can improve upon.

 

[Serenity]

The nice guy and jerk spectrum is something I've thought a lot about ever since I started taking control of my problem and read about it here. I think somewhere in the middle is good too, but you have to go in depth about what makes those types of guys so well liked. They don't just emulate behaviors to try getting to somewhere in between, there's well thought out reasoning behind it.

So let's first define the nice guy. He craves approval, he craves being liked and that is his underlying motivation for most of his actions around others. The last thing he wishes is to be seen as selfish, so he goes far out of his way trying to be nice. But he is very selfish because of his motivations and on top of that insincere, his over the top pleasing reveals to others he is this type of guy. He also expects reward for his niceness and not getting it often makes the nice guy behave passive aggressively, which again is very revealing. Despite all the effort, pretty much everyone sees right through to the true nature of the nice guy. The nice guy isn't really nice, he's insincere, expects rewards for common behavior and compromises himself in process way too much.

Now the jerk. He is the ugly truth of the nice guy. He's just the nice guy without the superficial niceness and self-compromise. That's why when many nice guys shed their pandering behavior they become what they really are, a massive @sshole. Can't say I like these guys or know many who do, but at least their personality is more honest (they may tell lies, but their behavior doesn't try covering up their personality). They don't crave approval as overtly, but buried somewhere inside them is a desire for being liked (which is why they turned).

Lastly the middle ground, this gets a lot more complex, but to most it's really just common sense. Let's call it the good guy. He doesn't just care about himself like the nice guy and the jerk, he has a genuine concern for others. He has the toughness of a jerk to stand up for himself and enforce his boundaries, but only shows it when someone is about to cross them. So he cares about himself, but recognizes he doesn't have to hide it like the nice guy does or put others down like the jerk does. He just has to conserve his resources and not allow others to exploit it. He then is nice to those who are nice to him and shut out those who aren't and won't show respect (the jerks). He doesn't help everyone, but will do some nice things here and there if he has spare resources for it (be it time, money, effort or anything else really). Being this guy requires you to put careful thought into where the boundaries are, when it's too much or too little, you need to always regulate to not end up on any extremes. If you're not used to self-regulating it will be exhausting at first, but eventually it will become internalized and habitual.

Even aiming for the middle ground you may still ruin a few relationships or perceive that they're holding you back. It may very well be true that they wish to keep you in place, but it's not a jerk move to enforce personal boundaries. They might protest, but either they will have to walk away or accept the new you. In my experience if you just stand your ground long enough they'll accept it, you know they have accepted it when they show a renewed kind of respect for you. I've lost some too, but it causes me no grief knowing I only lost people (jerks) who exploited my nice guy ways. The one's who are left are true friends.

 

[Dr.Suave]

At work I’m an #ss to customers who don’t do what they need to do, fun fact is that in my kind of work I’m allowed to do that.

This picked my interest. What do you do for a living?

 

[HankHill]

This picked my interest. What do you do for a living?

Duh, a police officer of course

 

[Spaz]

Almost all of my hires r jerks, @ssholes, bastards etc. All great guys capable of getting things done and when the going gets tough, the tough gets going instead of moaning like little pvssies.

I'll hv jerks as company anytime over nice guys.