I would be really interested by you sharing the work you have done on yourself to change that pattern.
Yeah. The first thing to remember is that BPD/Cluster B comes in all kinds of different flavors. A lot of guys (here, especially) treat BPDs like fishing stories--comparing notes on who ran into the biggest BPD. Or, 'Well your BPD could hold down a job
so she must not really be BPD.' But the truth is, every person with BPD is different--their IQ, the level of social pressure causing them to conform to certain outward appearance/behavior, and their innate personalities (shy, extroverted, etc. etc.) will all dictate how/how early the disorder manifests itself--but the underlying disorder is always the same.
I've been involved with total train wrecks--once or twice. But those ones are easy to avoid and definitely easier not to invest your emotions in (unless you're like the whitest of white knight captain-save-a-hoe or have drug issues or suffer really low self esteem). But for me (before I knew what the disorder was), I kept finding better and better
presentations of it--it was kind of a bargaining process. It took my last (first real) relationship going nuclear after 2 years (and having my ego/false-self absolutely shattered) for me to dig deep and start fixing my own issues. But I'll try to keep my advice as general as possible--and cherry pick what was most useful to me out of all the resources/contexts/lenses I used to make sense of things.
1. Take Responsibility. You are responsible for everything that happens to you. Not in the sense that it's your
fault or that you could've forced a different outcome if you had just done 'x, y or z' but in the sense that you are responsible for how you react to any given situation--even if it's outside of your control. You are responsible for every relationship you get into and how they turn out. Sure, you can't control what your partner does and you shouldn't
blame yourself for things going crazy--but you absolutely have to own your ability to act. Being the victim might feel nice--
She had BPD, it wasn't my fault--but that's just your ego trying not to let you feel really sh*tty about yourself. But if you take responsibility you don't have to feel sh*tty, because you're a man and you're able to act for yourself (which is the basis of emotional freedom).
2. Forgive. I think all of us that get involve with Cluster B's are usually working out some childhood issues that on a conscious level we're not even aware of. Psychologically, it's called 'repetition compulsion'--we keep putting ourselves in the same situation over and over, because if we can just get it right this time, it'll mean that there's not something wrong with us. For me, it was pretty obvious--my dad is textbook NPD; my mom, if she's not borderline, definitely displays some strong characteristics. Luckily, they were divorced by the time I became self-aware; but I had
a lot of issues lol.
It might help to take the time to figure out the dynamics in your childhood that made you feel that love was something that had to be earned. Did your parents expect you to be perfect? Was their love inconsistent? Did they lean into you for emotional support or blame you for their issues? As a child, we perceive all these things as our fault because the world revolved around us--so there has to be something wrong with us, right? And it didn't even have to be anything
that extreme; children are sensitive to any number of inaccurate
perceptions. The important thing is to forgive. Forgive your parents for being who they are. Forgive yourself for the things you didn't know. Forgive your ex for being who she is. Forgive the disorder. Placing blame on anyone or anything is giving that object power over you.
3. Reprogram your mind. I'm a huge proponent of regular meditation. As in everyday. I mentioned the faulty programming that carries over from our childhood but by meditating you can feed your subconscious mind with new beliefs. This is the visualization that's most effective for me:
For me, most of my effort has been directed toward replacing my ego (externally validated 'confidence') with internal self-belief (real confidence). Your ego can be manipulated; confidence can't. And your ego is ultimately what hurts the most at the end of a BPD relationship and can't let go because your self-worth is tied up in this woman that
used to see you as perfect (which felt really good) but then rejected you (which feels really bad lol).
When compliments or insults have 0 impact on your internal state, you retain emotional freedom and can act according to what provides you with the most, tangible benefits--tying into the action > words.
4. Focus on your goals. BPD women are an awesome distraction. Any problems in your life? They'll bring so much drama that you can totally forget your own issues. But you're only sabotaging yourself. Make an effort to fill your life with things to accomplish--and that are worthwhile to you. The minute any girl compromises your mission is the minute you eject her from your life (it's a foolproof method of making sure your relationships with women are healthy and satisfying). Being with a woman with BPD is like a heroine addiction--it feels good to get lost in poppy land; but when the comedown hits you're left to pick up the pieces and address the things that you were able to forget in borderland.
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As far as dating normal women, what's helped me the most is internalizing the Red Pill (a la
The Rational Male) and figuring out what it means to be a man (a la
The Book of Pook). I dealt with a lot of guilt about sleeping with normal women and even had performance issues the few times I had tried; I was comfortable with BPD women because I could sense of some level that I couldn't hurt them anyway and in a way wouldn't feel responsible for my actions or my desires (all of this was at a subconscious level).
In short, I wasn't being honest with myself and true to my intent. I had a lot of feminine conditioning and all sort of mental blocks, etc. that I was up against. Plus, disordered women felt familiar--I had two decades' experience dealing with that type of women. I also had a strong attachment to the actualization of some idealized love/romance; and borderline women are the only ones you can adequately create that kind of fantasy with (for a while, anyway).
I've given up that fantasy and those mental roadblocks and am much happier as a result. And, in truth, the difference between normal women and Cluster B women is more a matter of degree than kind. Cluster B is just hypergamy on steroids--and yeah, having a pet tiger might be exciting for a while, but at a certain point a pet kitten would be nice, right?
