Message old oneitis after natural disaster?

[Genos]

I separated from this girl at my uni a year ago, and she's since graduated and gone back to her home country, nepal.

Nepal was hit by a big earthquake just recently, and I want to know if she's safe. When we separated she told me not to contact her anymore, but I still care about her to an extent and want to see if she's been hurt or anything. Another possibility is contacting one of her friends. (I haven't spoken to her in like 9 months)

I don't want to get back together with her or anything, but I do want to know how she's doing. Would it be too invasive to ask one of her friends if she's ok?

Never really been in this kind of situation before (normally I'd just ask the person himself/herself how things are going). Any thoughts?

 

[JohnChops]

Ouch, thats harsh dude. I would call her and see if shes okay. Others here wouldn't, I would. Do as you wish.

 

[backbeat]

yea man aint nothin wrong with checkin up on sumone like that. do wut u gotta do.

 

[goodganji44]

She said not to contact her anymore. Therefore honor her wish. Besides, if it were you in that situation., would she contact you?

 

[HeadLightsOn]

She said not to contact her anymore. Therefore honor her wish. Besides, if it were you in that situation., would she contact you?

I would contact her regardless of whether I think she would contact me, in the same circumstances. Its a horrible feeling that someone you knew may have been badly injured or died. I know, Ive been there.
Make no mistakes about setting her up for future 'good times' - just contact, ask if shes ok, if she is say 'good' and then leave it. Dont get that oneitis again now will you :trouble:

 

[donking]

Better to do it and get no response, then to not message and regret forever.

 

[HeadLightsOn]

Better to do it and get no response, then to not message and regret forever.

^^^

So true... Its not beta making sure someone is alive. Ive been through earthquakes - very bad ones. Not funny.

 

[Pogba]

Do it , I was in a similar position and I got a good outcome.
However , don't do it with a game plan in your mind , do it the same way you will extend well wishes to your friend or Co worker in a similar position.

 

[JohnyTheArrow]

Thats pointless, look down into your soul and find real cause ?

'I want to feel good about myself'
'I want her think good about me'
'I want to show whole world how good and caring Im'
'I want some attention ffrom her'
...

weak crappy beta artificial problems - get a life

 

[sharkbeat]

Reach out to her out of concern for her safety and well being, not to date her again.

 

[Genos]

Well, here's an update:

So I emailed her about a week ago. A couple days after with no response, I gave in and briefly reactivated my facebook (I've had it deactivated for like 2 years); on her profile, she seems to be making posts (about the earthquake relief effort, no less), so I'm assuming she's ok and alive. Though I don't know about her family and whatnot.

Even now, she still hasn't responded. And that's ok I guess, she had said she didn't want me to message her.

@JohnyTheArrow has some interesting thoughts, I really reflect on my intentions and I can't deny that there were some 'selfish' motivations behind checking on her. So I'm not sure what's right or what's wrong. But I know would've felt bad had I not had reached out to her. It's difficult, things like this..

 

[Genos]

Another update, as she has recently replied, and I'm seeking some guidance here. Below is the email conversation:

Me (my initial email)
Hey K (her name), how are you? Are you and your family ok after the earthquake?

There's a relief fundraiser going on at (our university) if you haven't heard. Hope things are alright.

Her, 5 (!!!) Months later, wtf?
Hey Konduit, thanks for the email. Yes I heard about the fundraiser at (our university). How are you? I miss you sometimes.

Me
K (her name), I'm doing well. It's great to hear that you're ok - hopefully things have settled down again for you.

Her (Yesterday, 1 week after my last email)
So you don't miss me?

-----------
How the hell am I supposed to respond to this? How can she ask something like this so straightforwardly? (Especially considering that she was the one who told me not to contact her)

I tried to keep things very formal and low-investment (just wanting to make sure she's ok), but then she throws such a curveball. Even back when we were together, I was always surprised by her honesty and such. But now, after we've separated, I'm not really sure what to think.

As for how to reply, I'm looking for advice. I don't think blatantly shutting her down is the right move, as to be honest I do miss her somewhat. I'm just not sure what to think, whether she is actually hurt or is just seeking validation. Do y'all have any thoughts on the matter, or advice on what I should do?

 

[IASGame]

I think she is just seeking validation, otherwise why reply 5 months late? Try not to get sucked back into the oneitis. I really think you should have a strategy of going no contact here.

Others will give better advice on this.

Possibly the best is to not reply, or reply only after 5 months as well, or possibly state something like "Obviously I miss you enough to worry that you died in the quake" and say no more.

 

[l e g e n d a r y]

Thats pointless, look down into your soul and find real cause ?

'I want to feel good about myself'
'I want her think good about me'
'I want to show whole world how good and caring Im'
'I want some attention ffrom her'
...

weak crappy beta artificial problems - get a life

I agree with this.. she's not in your life anymore, you shouldn't even be thinking about her. The very fact you have thought about contacting her so much and to the extent that you asked about it on a forum, to me, shows she is still important to you mentally. Best to move on and forget about her, focus on meeting new women

 

[om1xr]

Her: So you don't miss me?
You: You want a honest or fake answer?
Her: Honest answer
You: once every 3 months

or

Her: Don't you miss me?
You: Only your sense of humor/ hair or whatever (choose one trait about her)

or

Her: Don't you miss me
You: Sometimes

this what I would reply with but I'm good with words and I can play head games better than her lol

or you can choose the ignore path and pursue other girls.

and that Johnny guy is spot on because most guys chase girls for validation more than sex. take his advice and get a life.

if it was me I would call her. no text or email and then just check if she is OK and then hang up. you live and learn OP

 

[Trump]

I separated from this girl at my uni a year ago, and she's since graduated and gone back to her home country, nepal.

Nepal was hit by a big earthquake just recently, and I want to know if she's safe. When we separated she told me not to contact her anymore, but I still care about her to an extent and want to see if she's been hurt or anything. Another possibility is contacting one of her friends. (I haven't spoken to her in like 9 months)

I don't want to get back together with her or anything, but I do want to know how she's doing. Would it be too invasive to ask one of her friends if she's ok?

Never really been in this kind of situation before (normally I'd just ask the person himself/herself how things are going). Any thoughts?

A girl you used to date told you to go RIGHT TO HELL, has likely slept with at least 3 guys since and is probably pregnant, and you want to reach out to her, or her friend, to see if she's "OK?". How are you even thinking of being NICE to a girl who told you to GO TO HELL?

Again I don't know how some of you guys sleep with girls.

 

[zonn]

Well you know she is ok. Great. That is all you wanted to know. Now don't reply back to her.

 

[Genos]

Thanks everyone for the input. I still have some moving on to do, as is evidenced, but your insight has helped a ton in realizing my own tendencies..