Me so scared

[Shyyhs]

Hi friends,

I'm new. And I have a problem. I'm just scared to talk to people in general. It isn't really a female problem. I've been lurking around this forum and it seems that the dj bible is the way to go. I haven't been having the best luck with this.

Firstly, it's the negative reinforcement. I know the idea of going up and talking to people is supposed to help me become desensitized to the idea, but this sort of goes against psychology. If you're continuously met with negative responses for doing something, you're not going to become desensitized, in fact it leads to a person getting the opposite effect, deep enforced belief of the outcome.

If you call a person a big fat loser enough, they won't become desensitized, they'll become someone that really believes their a big fat loser.

I've tried on other parts of my life to see if this could help "boost" my confidence and help me transition better. I goto the gym and get fit. I get a job at a call center, so I'm on the phone all day talking to people, over and over and over again. It doesn't seem to do anything.

I also think I have an issue of opening up to strangers, which could be the root of my problem. I never share the inner workings of me. What I'm doing, what I'm up to, how I'm feeling, what I want to do, etc.

So what sort of advice would you throw my way, friends?

 

[Dongfu]

dont use these theories of negative reinforcement to justify your behavior. The mind can overcome any theory. Practice makes perfect is a better one to follow. Time is really what will make the difference in the long run. Progress is a matter of time and effort, nothing else.

 

[Shyyhs]

It's not that I'm justifying not doing it. I've done it. And I feel like crap for doing it. Everytime I do it, I just feel worse. Ever awkward interaction turns into a few days of depression and when I try it again it's even more awkward.

 

[zinc64]

It's not that I'm justifying not doing it. I've done it. And I feel like crap for doing it. Everytime I do it, I just feel worse. Ever awkward interaction turns into a few days of depression and when I try it again it's even more awkward.

Why be depressed over an awkward interaction? You are way too hard on yourself. Be fearless and don't take it too seriously and sooner or later you will see results. Trust me...it's a quick way to build confidence if you do it all of the time.

I'd be willing to bet money I have been rejected many more times than you...it used to be the norm for me to get rejected well over 50 times in a day or night out and yes, I would feel like **** after it, but time moves on. Sometimes I would go to wal-mart or the mall for hours and hours and just talk to every single girl I saw for practice while getting rejected so many times before I got even comfortable enough to have a fluid small talk without coming off as awkward.

One night I even cried over it because one girl told me what kind of loser comes to a bar by himself...your pathetic. Plus a ton of others said lot's of bad things. I have several girls push me away from them just for getting close to them without touching them at dance clubs and several tell me they wouldn't be interested if I were the last guy on earth. Whatever. I'm used to the weak *****es who get pleasure from rejecting guys.

But guess what...over several years of being rejected and a couple of successes mixed in the middle I HAVE become desensitized to it and now when I get rejected I take it with a grain of salt....because with lot's of experience I have discovered the truth...it doesn't ****ing matter. Just keep coming back for more and try to learn from your mistakes. I have a wonderful GF right now, who I got by hitting on at a dance clubby the way, but if I were to go out today for the hell of it and hit on some girls I would be rusty at first and probaly get rejected a few times.....but eventually come away with at least several decent to good number pulls. Once you talk to so many girls over time...getting numbers is no big deal. My most dreaded part has always been the first date because sometimes they are boring if things don't click.

But anyways, quit making up pathetic excuses and get out there and talk to every girl you see...i'm talking about 100 girls a day at least. Go do it...right now and quit being a *****. If you can't relax enough to do ****y and funny right now or just plain can't do it...I can't sometimes and can others...then just go up and say Hi...and ask for directions or something innocently and then ask the girl if she goes to school around there or blaha blah blah...as long as you are talking to a girl to get more used to it.

Go do it...now. I'm serious. Quit thinking about how depressed you will be if you get rejected and take action. Only the weak are ruled by the idea of rejection.

 

[Aboleo]

You're talking to us, aren't you? The only reason why you are talking to us is because it is so impersonal to you in this situation.

You said yourself that you have a hard time expressing yourself... yet you are doing it here and now. Why?-- Because under the anonymity of this Internet message board you are safe from ridicule and shame. You can't lose any face when you don't have one.
So here is my advice to you, and this is going to sound rather unorthodox... you must recreate this sense of confidence in the real world by creating a false persona that represents what you desire yourself to become.

I know that I will probably come under fire for saying this, but every single one of us on this forum who eventually became successful with women did exactly this at one point or another along our path from ambiguity. Anyone who ever successfully employed ****y/funny, kino, or even a simple pickup line first used this method in one form or another in order to learn the effectiveness (and safety) of the technique in question (and there were plenty of 'questions' when we were unsure of the results). 'Inner' game has to start somewhere and it usually starts '0utwardly' through our interaction with the opposite sex.

So to start off, you need to build yourself a disguise. This 'disguise' can be either subtle or drastic, it all really depends on you and what you require in order to feel comfortable in what would otherwise be a very awkward social interaction. It might be as simple as a new set of clothes and a new haircut, or it might mean going so far as to developing an entirely new character to play on, including but not limited to- a change of name (not legally, of course), voice, accent, hair and/or eye color (by means of contact lenses or hair pieces), shoe lifts, etc. Check out a few men's fashion magazines for some ideas as far as appearance is concerned.

Next, and more importantly, comes the aspect of attitude. If you have been lurking around this place for long enough and you have been reading advice from some of the more quality posters like Pook, Anti-Dump or Señor Fingers (who apparently knew more about disguise than he ever let on before!), then you know what you need to work on and what you need to project. The only problem is that you don't know how to project it. Pay close attention to what these men have said in their legendary posts, watch movies with strong male characters and learn to emulate the aspects of their personalities that seem to give them an air of power and ease with these situations that seem so difficult for you to handle. Watch as many of Peter Sellers' movies as you can in order to learn how to emulate them.

And most important of all, discard this disguise when you have attained your goal: confident interaction with others. Simply throw it away because you won't be using this method to actually meet a potential mate or possible love interest, it is just a crutch to support you, a gimmick to get the ball rolling.

Check out the books:

"Disguise Techniques; Fool all of the People some of the Time" by Edmond A. Maclnaugh

&

"Methods of Disguise" by John Sample


Best of luck to you.


Leo,

 

[WC2]

There's a deeper reason to why you're scared to talk to others. I've been there awhile ago, I'm sure a lot of the guys on this board and off this board are still there.

Deep down the reason for these fears are insecurities about yourself. You don't know what others think of you. You may feel confident about yourself, but when it comes to talking to others, you feel as if there is a giant spotlight on yourself.

Get out of this mindset. You need to set yourself with a mindset that says "I am who I am and what you say does not matter; because I am who I want to be." Until you arrive at this mindset, you will always have insecurities when you talk to others.

With that said, you should not cease caring about your self worth. Make improvement to yourself as much as possible. But learn that caring what others think ends up being a MASSIVE, believe me MASSIVE, waste of time.

 

[MooseGod]

First of all, where are you coming from here? How old are you? What is your daily routine? Are you eating enough of the right foods? Sleeping enough? Too much?

 

[lyamdb]

If you knew exactly how to talk to strangers and what to say to them to make them attracted to you, and if you well knew how to keep them attracted to you as long as you want, and if you were 100% confident that your technics work perfectly and will get you any results you desire, would you still feel scared? Ofcourse, no one can have that absolute confidence but I'm saying that what makes you feel scared is that when you're about to approach a girl, you are in the unknown realm. You don't have many clues what to talk about, you don't know how she would possibly respond, and in a word, you don't have experience. and what makes things worse is that you expect yourself to be able to handle the situation very well, and if you couldn't, it'll hurt your confidence even more. Well this whole mindset is wrong. First of all you should know that confidence comes from experience, it comes from the feeling that you're familiar with the situation and have the skills to handle it. This applies to any field. Remember how scared you were when you first started to learn driving? Well think about it, what has changed now? Why aren't you scared anymore? Its just because now you know that almost nothing can happen than you can't handle.
Secondly, don't expect yourself too much at the beginning. think of it as the first day at the gym. Then the second day, then the third... How long will it take you to get a little good at the gym? 6 months? A year? Does it bother you that you suck at it all the first month? Ok so why do you expect yourself to be a magician with strangers without practicing enough? Why does that awkwardness even bother you? I know that rejection isn't fun, but its the pointless high expectations that make it so terrible. Remember, you're there just to practice and gather experience. If anything good comes out of it, like a date or something, its a bonus.
Here are my two points again:
1-Confidence comes from experience. If someone feels confident at a situation without having the necessary skills, something's definitely wrong with him.
2-Lower your expectations from your self at the beginning. and remember that practice does make perfect.

You keep this mindset and practice for 6 months I promise you'll be at a much better place.

 

[Shyyhs]

Why be depressed over an awkward interaction? You are way too hard on yourself. Be fearless and don't take it too seriously and sooner or later you will see results. Trust me...it's a quick way to build confidence if you do it all of the time.

That's what my logical mind tells me. It's no big deal. It's all just part of learning. Every failure brings me closer to success. Yet, my emotional side doesn't compute and I feel like crap.

I'd be willing to bet money I have been rejected many more times than you...it used to be the norm for me to get rejected well over 50 times in a day or night out and yes, I would feel like **** after it, but time moves on. Sometimes I would go to wal-mart or the mall for hours and hours and just talk to every single girl I saw for practice while getting rejected so many times before I got even comfortable enough to have a fluid small talk without coming off as awkward.

I don't seem to be resonating the same outcome. I feel like a loser because my interactions build up the evidence of that.

One night I even cried over it because one girl told me what kind of loser comes to a bar by himself...your pathetic.

Can't say I've cried about it before though, just feel like crap and stay in bed all day.

But guess what...over several years of being rejected and a couple of successes mixed in the middle I HAVE become desensitized to it and now when I get rejected I take it with a grain of salt....because with lot's of experience I have discovered the truth...it doesn't ****ing matter. Just keep coming back for more and try to learn from your mistakes.

Why don't you feel like you're a huge loser that just got lucky a few times, out of pity?

But anyways, quit making up pathetic excuses and get out there and talk to every girl you see.

I don't like your tone. I've actually gone out there and did it. And it's driving me down to knew emotional lows.

I can't sometimes and can others...then just go up and say Hi...and ask for directions or something innocently and then ask the girl if she goes to school around there or blaha blah blah...as long as you are talking to a girl to get more used to it.

Asking directions are easy. I dont have problems with that. Remember I worked at a call center, so I'd be on the phone all day long talking talking talking. Doesn't ahve the same effect.

Quit thinking about how depressed you will be if you get rejected and take action. Only the weak are ruled by the idea of rejection.

Do you even understand depression? I'm not making a choice to be depressed, it's an overwhelming feeling of melancholy.



.... I'll reply to the rest of the posts, I have to step out for a bit.

 

[saber]

ur situation is exteremly typical and you are in no one some specil case if that what you are thinking

lots of people have been there and its going to be painful getting out

first off you place way to much value on others opinions but just keep reading stuff and you will improve

 

[j0n024]

Really jeez...I havent met you and I think you rpathetic. I say either stop thinking that every time you talk to someone your pathetic or stop talking to everyone in general, become a hermit and dont talk to anyone become a social outcast. I dont know why people have problems talking to other people....I mean depression haha get real man up and either talk to people and have fun or stay depressed and have no social life and feel like an outcast...your choice.

 

[Shyyhs]

There's a deeper reason to why you're scared to talk to others. I've been there awhile ago, I'm sure a lot of the guys on this board and off this board are still there.

I know. When I was kid I was very outgoing. Wasn't afraid of anything, wanted to see everyone, etc. Than I got to Junior high and everything changed. What changed? I do not know.

Deep down the reason for these fears are insecurities about yourself. You don't know what others think of you. You may feel confident about yourself, but when it comes to talking to others, you feel as if there is a giant spotlight on yourself.

Exactly. I completely agree.

Get out of this mindset. You need to set yourself with a mindset that says "I am who I am and what you say does not matter; because I am who I want to be." Until you arrive at this mindset, you will always have insecurities when you talk to others.

Is there a pathway to reaching this mental state?

With that said, you should not cease caring about your self worth. Make improvement to yourself as much as possible. But learn that caring what others think ends up being a MASSIVE, believe me MASSIVE, waste of time.

It's weird though. I can go out in the dead of winter, in shorts and flip flops, walk around in public and not care. Seriously, but talking to a stranger does. I've been improving things very successfully outside my social area, with getting fit, dressing better, and becoming much more successful with my finances, but my social issues remain the same.

First of all, where are you coming from here? How old are you? What is your daily routine? Are you eating enough of the right foods? Sleeping enough? Too much?

I'm from Eastern Canada, I'm 24. What do you mean by daily routine? Like the gym? I'm assuming I eat the "right" foods, since I've been getting in great shape. I got 8-9 hrs a night. Sometimes it'll become 12-14hrs if I'm depressed.

If you knew exactly how to talk to strangers and what to say to them to make them attracted to you, and if you well knew how to keep them attracted to you as long as you want, and if you were 100% confident that your technics work perfectly and will get you any results you desire, would you still feel scared?

I suppose I would. I'm not looking for techniques. I want to be a person that can socialize with anyone. This isn't a chick issue, but a stranger issue. And I suppose it's more of a cold approach issue, than a stranger issue.

Ofcourse, no one can have that absolute confidence but I'm saying that what makes you feel scared is that when you're about to approach a girl, you are in the unknown realm. You don't have many clues what to talk about, you don't know how she would possibly respond, and in a word, you don't have experience. and what makes things worse is that you expect yourself to be able to handle the situation very well, and if you couldn't, it'll hurt your confidence even more. Well this whole mindset is wrong.

I don't agree. It just goes against the way people think.

First of all you should know that confidence comes from experience, it comes from the feeling that you're familiar with the situation and have the skills to handle it.

I don't agree. Experience isn't confidence. Good experience is confidence. If I had a wife and called her a big fat *****, over time as she gets more experience with this, isn't going to make her more confident. In fact, the complete opposite happens.

Does it bother you that you suck at it all the first month?

I didn't suck at it. In fact, I went with a friend, had a positive experience and enjoyed myself. It definitely wasn't depressing. But let's say I went, ripped my pants when I did squats, dropped the bar on my neck when I was doing a bench press. You know, a generally poor experience, I'm probably not feeling good about it and probably won't go back.

Ok so why do you expect yourself to be a magician with strangers without practicing enough?

Moving inanimate objects and talking to a person are very different things.

Why does that awkwardness even bother you?

I don't know, but it does.

Remember, you're there just to practice and gather experience. If anything good comes out of it, like a date or something, its a bonus.

If something bad comes out of it, than that would be a deficit, right?

----------

first off you place way to much value on others opinions but just keep reading stuff and you will improve

How do I stop caring? It's not like I have a switch I can turn off.

Really jeez...I havent met you and I think you rpathetic.

Thank you for the negative reinforcement. I try not to digest it, but it still hurts.

I say either stop thinking that every time you talk to someone your pathetic or stop talking to everyone in general, become a hermit and dont talk to anyone become a social outcast.

How do I stop "thinking" I'm pathetic? Like I said, there's no switch I can flick on and off. If it was just that simple, I would of solved this a long time ago.

I dont know why people have problems talking to other people.

Maybe because they have a problem.

I mean depression haha get real man up and either talk to people and have fun or stay depressed and have no social life and feel like an outcast...your choice.

Thank you for that oversimplified answer. Wow. Is your financial advice? Get money? Is your weight loss advice? Lose weight? Is your driving a car advice? Drive? Thanks for nothing.

 

[saber]

im not sure why you value othe people more than yourself but for me

it was a lack of intereaction...i made assumptions about how great and socially adjusted everyone was when in fact they are just as screwed up as me if not more...the only difference is the just slapped on a smile and moved forward... imo the things to get a wbafc into shape the quickest are

the book of pook
rsd blueprint
maniac highs entire manual
dummy's guide to nlp

 

[Shyyhs]

I've read the book of pook, but haven't read the others. I'll try to get my hands on them.

Thanks.

 

[Shyyhs]

What else should I do my helpful bretherens?

 

[Tookie]

Why be depressed over an awkward interaction? You are way too hard on yourself. Be fearless and don't take it too seriously and sooner or later you will see results. Trust me...it's a quick way to build confidence if you do it all of the time.

I'd be willing to bet money I have been rejected many more times than you...it used to be the norm for me to get rejected well over 50 times in a day or night out and yes, I would feel like **** after it, but time moves on. Sometimes I would go to wal-mart or the mall for hours and hours and just talk to every single girl I saw for practice while getting rejected so many times before I got even comfortable enough to have a fluid small talk without coming off as awkward.

One night I even cried over it because one girl told me what kind of loser comes to a bar by himself...your pathetic. Plus a ton of others said lot's of bad things. I have several girls push me away from them just for getting close to them without touching them at dance clubs and several tell me they wouldn't be interested if I were the last guy on earth. Whatever. I'm used to the weak *****es who get pleasure from rejecting guys.

But guess what...over several years of being rejected and a couple of successes mixed in the middle I HAVE become desensitized to it and now when I get rejected I take it with a grain of salt....because with lot's of experience I have discovered the truth...it doesn't ****ing matter. Just keep coming back for more and try to learn from your mistakes. I have a wonderful GF right now, who I got by hitting on at a dance clubby the way, but if I were to go out today for the hell of it and hit on some girls I would be rusty at first and probaly get rejected a few times.....but eventually come away with at least several decent to good number pulls. Once you talk to so many girls over time...getting numbers is no big deal. My most dreaded part has always been the first date because sometimes they are boring if things don't click.

But anyways, quit making up pathetic excuses and get out there and talk to every girl you see...i'm talking about 100 girls a day at least. Go do it...right now and quit being a *****. If you can't relax enough to do ****y and funny right now or just plain can't do it...I can't sometimes and can others...then just go up and say Hi...and ask for directions or something innocently and then ask the girl if she goes to school around there or blaha blah blah...as long as you are talking to a girl to get more used to it.

Go do it...now. I'm serious. Quit thinking about how depressed you will be if you get rejected and take action. Only the weak are ruled by the idea of rejection.

Real talke you your search into becoming a DJ should be a movie :cheer: :cheer: I swear if they evern make a pursit of happyness 2 it should be your turn.

 

[Aboleo]

What else should I do my helpful bretherens?

Since you have such a great form of social anxiety disorder, I already gave you one very extreme example of something you could do in order to get over it. Aside from actually walking up and talking to people, your only other option would probably be medication/antidepressants (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), for example) and/or Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).