marrying a BPD

[jophil28]

I think we still want to be with them because of Captain Save a Ho mentality. We do have feelings for them, and when we see what a trainwreck they are headed for we want to save them. But that's when it all comes crashing down.

You are right- and they are so skilled at exploiting our "I can fix you" mindset.

WE need to continually remind ourselves that these woman are severely SICK and probably will never recover and are totally unfit for anything more than a hump. IN fact they are dangerous even at the FWB stage because they will always try to control you .

A friend of mine said. " Jophil, you can wrap a turd in bling and dress it in diamonds and glamor, but underneath it is still a turd. "

So true.

 

[squirrels]

Yes, I was considering whether I was serious about her or just wanting something. If it was the latter then I would not marry of course.

Dude...you don't marry a woman like this. You just DON'T. She doesn't need a husband, she needs a therapist.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be her friend/shoulder/whatever, but whether you're "serious" about her or not, you should NOT be in a romantic relationship with a woman like this.

What do you think marriage is going to fix? You're gonna be miserable and all you're going to be doing is enabling her by putting yourself in a position to be manipulated and mind-f**ked.

I know you're thinking, "What kind of guy would I be if I walked out on someone so troubled??" That's exactly what a woman like this WANTS you to think! She's using that feeling to keep roping you in. People like that PREY on sympathy and good nature until they can pretty much make you feel like a monster at every turn for every little thing you do that they don't like, to the point where you start ACTING like a monster just to get them off your back.

WHY do men ACCEPT these kinds of things in women?? It's like the ugly girl who accuses men of being superficial. Don't feel any GUILT for choosing or not choosing a romantic partner for ANY reason you see fit. EVER, Your wife will be the only member of your family you CAN choose. Why would you want to bring that kind of sh!t on yourself??

And with marriage, you're not just bringing it on yourself, you're bringing it on your ENTIRE FAMILY. Once you marry a woman, she's going to be involved with all those family functions and her psychosis will affect EVERY family decision and ruin all kinds of family events. Do you want that?

Do you want a BPD woman RAISING YOUR KIDS??

Marrying a BPD woman is not only a bad idea, it's downright irresponsible!!

Are you going to ruin your life and the lives of everyone around you because some nutty chick manipulated you into feeling sorry for her? Is that "NOBLE"?

Marriage is not about love or kindness or generosity or any of that BS that the chick-rags tell you. Marriage is about FAMILY. It's about inviting a woman into your FAMILY. And no, a responsible MAN does not bring BPD women or their problems upon his FAMILY.

 

[darkstarrr]

for some reason I still wanted to be with her after this incident. I still tried and she wouldn't talk to me for months

I think we still want to be with them because of Captain Save a Ho mentality. We do have feelings for them, and when we see what a trainwreck they are headed for we want to save them. But that's when it all comes crashing down.

This is the phenomenon that I have been trying to wrap my head around. As I begin to understand what happened to me and how it happened and the choices I made, I not only heal more but I also am better prepared for my interaction with women going forward.

What Vlad said above is precisely what makes involving yourself with these people so dangerous to your health. My research on this board and elsewhere has led me to conclude that what Vlad explained is in part due to:

1. your own ego
2. captain save a ho mentality (when someone you are intimate with is suffering you almost care for them more and you want to help. their pain becoems yours almost)
3. the flip the script sh1t (they are all about you in the beginning as others have explained you can do no wrong it seems, then slowly you are a fvcking retard - this is where the mind fvck starts to really emerge)

And then the icing on the cake! They run away and suddenly seemed healed! As if you were the fvcking problem the whole time! Now you are left feeling the same emptiness they were when you were trying to help them and they are gone with your joy.

And then the candles on the cake! Months pass as it takes you to feel normal again your mind hinges on whether it was really you that was just not good enough to keep the relationship together and keep them attracted to you - or if it is her that has all these problems and there was nothing you could do. Is she really BPD or was she just acting up because she wanted out of the relationsh1t and didn't know how to end it?

Like a cookie sheet over your head your sense of the world is now distorted and feeling cold, alone, isolated, and inadequate - your hodgepodge of google searches brings you here.

 

[JJ007]

Are there any simple BPD books you could give to one of these BPDs?

Absolutely brilliant post!!!

I've been looking for answers concerning an encounter I had with one of these women.

The behavioral attributes of BPD women pointed out in this thread are spot on.

It's like a light bulb has gone on in my head.

I have read earlier posts on BPDs but this one is brilliant and the explanations by Kontoller X and others have been truly enlightening!

Only if I had this information a year and half ago; i would have been wiser.

You live and learn I guess. I'm wiser now and have struggled with getting over it.....but posts like this showing I'm not the only one have helped a lot.

A question to KX and the others are there any books that can be given to one of these BPDs...so that maybe they may learn from their behaviours.

I know I'm playing the rescuer!...

thanks

 

[Mr. Me]

I think we still want to be with them because of Captain Save a Ho mentality

Vlad, you know I love ya but be honest, in your case it was more about being Captain Bang a Ho!

The coy blonde looks, the "china doll" persona, the sweet "girl next door" presentation... smile so cutely and tilt her head

And the batting of her eyelashes innocently under her bangs as she looked at you. And the way she said "How ARE you?" with such feeling when she hugged you tight. And how she spoke of nights looking at the night sky and wondering where out there her true love lies and of then being so lucky as to finally catch the falling star she had been seeking for so long.

You had numerous petty disagreements in which you NEVER really knew, or grasped why you and she were great one minute, but broken up the next.

After the breakup, when I kicked her out for cheating (which, according to her friends, she saw as a "hostile act" on my part if you can believe that), when she was packing her things, she presented me with a portion of her diary in which she had kept accounts of her grudges. Lots of them were events where I was under the impression that we had reached mutually agreeable compromises, now to find out she was merely acquiescing, faking agreement and harboring the resulting resentment. Other events were without justifiable reason for her to be angry; being outlandish preposterous accusations and inferences. Yet, these are the things she apparently moaned and cried about to her friends, to her diary, to her man on the side, but never to the one and only person to whom they should've been discussed with.

By way of vindication... some three years afterwards, I got a call, while she was still living with the other guy, about how she missed me "so much that it hurt", how a part of her still loved me, how she wanted to meet up with me and spend a day in the city. She tried to bait me with memories of our sexual past. That's when I realized what she was doing to me, and what she had done to me she now seemed to be doing to him, and blew her off and told her never to contact me again.

It was amazing to see her reaction to that. She instantly became hostile and called me vulgar names. She reversed her opinion on "how wonderful it was to speak with me" now saying that very same conversation was insufferable. One minute she was missing me so much, the next, when she didn't get what she wanted, she was a witch. But even so, that served as confirmation that she had revealed her true selfish nature.

Any of this sound familiar?

 

[dubAllStar]

Originally Posted by Paradox
I agree with your entire post

And I applaud your decison to leave the BPD thread open. Thank you.

Seconded.

These types of BPD threads were/are invaluable to me through my BPD ordeal. I hate to see them get closed because, to be completely honest, I have no idea where I would be without these threads.

 

[betterthandead]

men have mental problems too, don't characterize women as the only ones having bpd.

 

[jophil28]

Any of this sound familiar?

IT all sounds chillingly familiar...(jophil shudders from the memory)

 

[jophil28]

My EX BPD is now preggo from some rebound relationship. Her hubby dumped her recently this will be her first kid and she lives alone in a small apartment and says she doesn't even like the guy who impregnated her! She's probably been banging the whole town, though.

She has recently put a picture on her desk and I looked at it and it appears to be an old pic of her ex husband who dumped her because it has his name on the back of it. How weird is it she would look at that all day, every day?

She is acting like she is happy about being preggo, even though she claims it's a big mistake and she doesn't like the guy.

What does Mr. Me and Jophil think about this?

I am speechless.

After my spending more that 50 years on planet earth and dating numerous women , I am struck dumb when i read post like that - well almost dumb.
I married twice and divorced twice and am a survivor of military conflict, cancer and 30 odd LTRs, yet I am frequently stunned by some women' imbicilic behavior.

 

[jophil28]

men have mental problems too, don't characterize women as the only ones having bpd.

Did you mean to post that on LOveshack rather than the MM forum ?

 

[Mr. Me]

it appears to be an old pic of her ex husband who dumped her... How weird is it she would look at that all day, every day?

He dumped her, which means it wasn't her idea because she wanted to be with him, and probably still does.

 

[KontrollerX]

"She has recently put a picture on her desk and I looked at it and it appears to be an old pic of her ex husband who dumped her because it has his name on the back of it. How weird is it she would look at that all day, every day?"

When a Cluster B gets dumped it is extremely unexpected for them as it is rare for the men that they target to be able to break free of the false soulmate love type of overwhelming relationship that they create.

More importantly however when they get dumped it re-awakens their parental abandonment trauma which turned them into a Cluster B in the first place and in essence she is longing for the love ie her missing parent to return which is why she is looking at her ex husband's picture so longingly. She wants the abandoning love object to return to make things right and heal her trauma. Unfortunately it cannot be healed that easily and if the man were to come back she would use the opportunity to eventually dump him pro-actively being the one to abandon, also she'd get petty revenge for his dumping her previously as the Cluster B's always hold onto a grudge/old issue even when you are led to believe it had been settled. It all goes back to their destructive all consuming selfishness and lack of empathy.

"She is acting like she is happy about being preggo, even though she claims it's a big mistake and she doesn't like the guy."

Of course she's happy.

Being preggo means being the center of attention and attention is the lifeblood of these people.

 

[dubAllStar]

My EX BPD is now preggo from some rebound relationship. Her hubby dumped her recently this will be her first kid and she lives alone in a small apartment and says she doesn't even like the guy who impregnated her! She's probably been banging the whole town, though.

Does anybody else wonder "holy sh*t, could this be the same crazy I hooked up with?" when reading these stories or is it just me?

 

[Heretolearn]

Dude...you don't marry a woman like this. You just DON'T. She doesn't need a husband, she needs a therapist.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be her friend/shoulder/whatever, but whether you're "serious" about her or not, you should NOT be in a romantic relationship with a woman like this.

What do you think marriage is going to fix? You're gonna be miserable and all you're going to be doing is enabling her by putting yourself in a position to be manipulated and mind-f**ked.

I know you're thinking, "What kind of guy would I be if I walked out on someone so troubled??" That's exactly what a woman like this WANTS you to think! She's using that feeling to keep roping you in. People like that PREY on sympathy and good nature until they can pretty much make you feel like a monster at every turn for every little thing you do that they don't like, to the point where you start ACTING like a monster just to get them off your back.

WHY do men ACCEPT these kinds of things in women?? It's like the ugly girl who accuses men of being superficial. Don't feel any GUILT for choosing or not choosing a romantic partner for ANY reason you see fit. EVER, Your wife will be the only member of your family you CAN choose. Why would you want to bring that kind of sh!t on yourself??

And with marriage, you're not just bringing it on yourself, you're bringing it on your ENTIRE FAMILY. Once you marry a woman, she's going to be involved with all those family functions and her psychosis will affect EVERY family decision and ruin all kinds of family events. Do you want that?

Do you want a BPD woman RAISING YOUR KIDS??

Marrying a BPD woman is not only a bad idea, it's downright irresponsible!!

Are you going to ruin your life and the lives of everyone around you because some nutty chick manipulated you into feeling sorry for her? Is that "NOBLE"?

Marriage is not about love or kindness or generosity or any of that BS that the chick-rags tell you. Marriage is about FAMILY. It's about inviting a woman into your FAMILY. And no, a responsible MAN does not bring BPD women or their problems upon his FAMILY.

Thank you, awesome post

 

[i-shine-regardless]

Originally Posted by squirrels
Dude...you don't marry a woman like this. You just DON'T. She doesn't need a husband, she needs a therapist.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be her friend/shoulder/whatever, but whether you're "serious" about her or not, you should NOT be in a romantic relationship with a woman like this.

What do you think marriage is going to fix? You're gonna be miserable and all you're going to be doing is enabling her by putting yourself in a position to be manipulated and mind-f**ked.

I know you're thinking, "What kind of guy would I be if I walked out on someone so troubled??" That's exactly what a woman like this WANTS you to think! She's using that feeling to keep roping you in. People like that PREY on sympathy and good nature until they can pretty much make you feel like a monster at every turn for every little thing you do that they don't like, to the point where you start ACTING like a monster just to get them off your back.

WHY do men ACCEPT these kinds of things in women?? It's like the ugly girl who accuses men of being superficial. Don't feel any GUILT for choosing or not choosing a romantic partner for ANY reason you see fit. EVER, Your wife will be the only member of your family you CAN choose. Why would you want to bring that kind of sh!t on yourself??

And with marriage, you're not just bringing it on yourself, you're bringing it on your ENTIRE FAMILY. Once you marry a woman, she's going to be involved with all those family functions and her psychosis will affect EVERY family decision and ruin all kinds of family events. Do you want that?

Do you want a BPD woman RAISING YOUR KIDS??

Marrying a BPD woman is not only a bad idea, it's downright irresponsible!!

Are you going to ruin your life and the lives of everyone around you because some nutty chick manipulated you into feeling sorry for her? Is that "NOBLE"?

Marriage is not about love or kindness or generosity or any of that BS that the chick-rags tell you. Marriage is about FAMILY. It's about inviting a woman into your FAMILY. And no, a responsible MAN does not bring BPD women or their problems upon his FAMILY.

Thank you, awesome post

Agreed. Awesome.

 

[Heretolearn]

This is the phenomenon that I have been trying to wrap my head around. As I begin to understand what happened to me and how it happened and the choices I made, I not only heal more but I also am better prepared for my interaction with women going forward.

What Vlad said above is precisely what makes involving yourself with these people so dangerous to your health. My research on this board and elsewhere has led me to conclude that what Vlad explained is in part due to:

1. your own ego
2. captain save a ho mentality (when someone you are intimate with is suffering you almost care for them more and you want to help. their pain becoems yours almost)
3. the flip the script sh1t (they are all about you in the beginning as others have explained you can do no wrong it seems, then slowly you are a fvcking retard - this is where the mind fvck starts to really emerge)

And then the icing on the cake! They run away and suddenly seemed healed! As if you were the fvcking problem the whole time! Now you are left feeling the same emptiness they were when you were trying to help them and they are gone with your joy.

And then the candles on the cake! Months pass as it takes you to feel normal again your mind hinges on whether it was really you that was just not good enough to keep the relationship together and keep them attracted to you - or if it is her that has all these problems and there was nothing you could do. Is she really BPD or was she just acting up because she wanted out of the relationsh1t and didn't know how to end it?

Like a cookie sheet over your head your sense of the world is now distorted and feeling cold, alone, isolated, and inadequate - your hodgepodge of google searches brings you here.

oh, you left out the call from nowhere just when you are on the brink of moving on he he

 

[Heretolearn]

Absolutely brilliant post!!!

I've been looking for answers concerning an encounter I had with one of these women.

The behavioral attributes of BPD women pointed out in this thread are spot on.

It's like a light bulb has gone on in my head.

I have read earlier posts on BPDs but this one is brilliant and the explanations by Kontoller X and others have been truly enlightening!

Only if I had this information a year and half ago; i would have been wiser.

You live and learn I guess. I'm wiser now and have struggled with getting over it.....but posts like this showing I'm not the only one have helped a lot.

A question to KX and the others are there any books that can be given to one of these BPDs...so that maybe they may learn from their behaviours.

I know I'm playing the rescuer!...

thanks

Good post, nothing you can do without a time machine. Even then it would be tough to isolate how a person develops.

Focus on what you can do to restore yourself to a healthy level and balance. You will need that trust me

 

[jophil28]

"She has recently put a picture on her desk and I looked at it and it appears to be an old pic of her ex husband who dumped her because it has his name on the back of it. How weird is it she would look at that all day, every day?"

When a Cluster B gets dumped it is extremely unexpected for them as it is rare for the men that they target to be able to break free of the false soulmate love type of overwhelming relationship that they create.

More importantly however when they get dumped it re-awakens their parental abandonment trauma which turned them into a Cluster B in the first place and in essence she is longing for the love ie her missing parent to return which is why she is looking at her ex husband's picture so longingly. She wants the abandoning love object to return to make things right and heal her trauma. Unfortunately it cannot be healed that easily and if the man were to come back she would use the opportunity to eventually dump him pro-actively being the one to abandon, also she'd get petty revenge for his dumping her previously as the Cluster B's always hold onto a grudge/old issue even when you are led to believe it had been settled. It all goes back to their destructive all consuming selfishness and lack of empathy.

"She is acting like she is happy about being preggo, even though she claims it's a big mistake and she doesn't like the guy."

Of course she's happy.

Being preggo means being the center of attention and attention is the lifeblood of these people.

I also suspect that placing her ex husband's photo on her desk is a bizarre attempt to portray to others that she and he are 'reconciled' and they will be one 'happy family' with the arrival of the kid. Respectability returns to the Ho.
Perhaps this is another example of how BPD/HPDs are consummate actresses and spin reality on an hourly basis.

They truly embrace the BS that "Perception IS Reality."

 

[darkstarrr]

Marrying a BPD? I would compare that to taking a power drill to my skull because Lord knows with either option you are going to lose your mind.

That's all I have left to say on this thread.

Good luck.

 

[Janez]

all this BPD s*it makes me feel bad so I don't read much about it. don't get involved,...its fun for some time and then its mess..

I don't want to read your posts. I don't want to answer them. I don't want. Its BPD. ... :\