Marry first gf or what...?

pyros

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HI there.

I wrote another post, but this one is more generic.

Let's say you got a gf when you were 23 and now you're almost 26. She's been the only gf, and the only girl you had sex with.

Now, she's also 26 and is willing to know if this is leading to marriage.
In my opinion our relationship is fine, not as good as I could imagine but ok. I can't compare it with any previous relationship though.

There are a couple of things that could be red flags but I'm not sure, I mean they are problems now that may become bigger in the future.

Ppl say you have to experience more before commiting, but it is not that you find a nice girl that you really like every month, you know.
She got some bf's before me, but I got zero gf's before her.

So what would you do?
do you end a relationship that is fine but not super but you don't know if it could be better cause you did not have another before? a relationship that carries some problems that my become bigger but you don't know if they will?do you get my point?



thank you a lot.
See ya.
 
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Love's Orphan

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How long have you two being living under the same roof?
 

Johnnyventana

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Girls at that age want to get married, period. They are obsessed with it. They will marry anyone. It's like a cult because all their friends are getting married. Getting married is the "ultimate" me me me attention for them. But then what happens the next day?

Pay attention to the red flags. Don't be pushed into something. Don't regret.
 

Young Stallion

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Dude no matter how many different ways you post the same thread the answer is the same.

You two should not get married as you are thinking yourself to death over whether or not its a good thing. Part of you wants to end the relationship, therefor marriage should be out of the question.
 

pyros

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We've lived together for almost one year.

It is not that I want to end this, the thing is these red flags or problems that may become bigger (or smaller if it goes right) makes me feel nervous and insecure, plus she's the only gf I've had to date, so I don't know if it should be better or what. Its a mix of things...
 
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Johnnyventana

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Red Flags only go one way, bigger. Not smaller.

Both men and women pretend, as to keep these flags in check, and then there comes a time that you are no longer worth the effort to pretend for. She might even resent you, because she had to pretend. And then it's like National Day in China.
 

Alex DeLarge

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What exactly are the red flags pyros?

You're still young, doesn't matter if the girl was your first girlfriend or 3894th girlfriend.. You'll know if she's marriage worthy if you know what you want.

If you're seeing red flags, and don't know whether they'll grow bigger or smaller.. Then this girl is definitely not marriage worthy. We'd be able to make more sense of your post if you talked about this "red flags" you had mentioned.
 

tomato

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Just Do It

dependent on what the red flags are......I heard a bit of advice before, something like this:

Marry first, repeat at will.

If its good you'll be set up in the best way possible for the LTR to last, if its not good you can always end it. If you dont do it it could break up a relationship you will regret loosing, and you'll regret it. Maybe try and spice things up and make some other long term plans and see if it improves to see if it gets better first though - I don think its the lack of other relationships thats the prob - its the not so into this one that is. Just boost it and if it boosts then engage her at the peak romantically and she wont forget it...
 
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pyros

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Hi.

The red flags are:

1) She's stubborn as hell. If I think A, and she thinks C, there is little chance we'll get to B. Of course this just happens from time to time, but when it does...it does. For example, she wants to go to her parent's to have dinner EVERYDAY, so here we go, because if I don't, she gets very upset, so we have a fight. This has happened over and over. There is no patter to recognize what she's not gonna agree with, it just happens eventually.
Another example, she doesn't like to drive, I drive everyday so I asked if she could drive from time to time, but she doesn't like it, so she just drove two times in a year. Etc, etc.

2) I wonder why she wants to get married, is it beause I'm the one for her? or because her clock is ticking? she's worried about her age and her chance of getting pregnant or being too old to have a baby (??) but ok, nothing serious but she says so. I'm her third bf, she's my only gf, many of her friends are married and this annoys her a bit.
When we were together for 5-6 months she joked about how it would be our life once married, or the way we'd treat our children. Ok. When we moved in together, she joked about how I should propose to her, where it'd be nice...etc. I found this odd but funy, dunno. She did not insist but she did this sometimes. At this moment I was not thinking about marriage, but I did think she was a wonderful girl so maybe...
Could it be a mixture of everything? she loves me plus he clock is now ticking harder?

3) She's a foreigner, so we were living in her country but now she moved to be with me. But what if we divorce in the future? what about the children? would she stay? would she leave with them? I have the feeling that she may want us to go to her country after some years living here with me, which I do not want to do really. So I'm afraid she may do it on her own if something goes wrong between us. You get my point?

4) She got a bit of bulimia when she was a teenager. It is not a problem now but she just eats in a bit of a weird way. She doesn't like many things, she eats not so much, so I'm always trying to make her eat more and better, and trying to make her understand that she needs proteins, fats, vitamins etc. but she thinks she eats very well (point 1:stubborn). When we broke up once, she started to eat very little so she got very thin, too thin. So now I'm preoccupied she may do this again if we get any other big problem, not sure.

She's a very nice girl, charming, smart, loyal, and very sexy...I really like her, don't know if it is because she's the first gf or what. She carries all this stuff though...
Thank you.
 

PrettyBoyAJ

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When there is no red flags with a woman then you get married. Noone should get married if they see red flags. That's why divorce rates are so high.
 

blueeyedgent

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Red flag #1 is a bad one. It will get worse unless your relationship can stand you laying down the law.
 

sexysuave

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Just curious, where do you live and how come you didn't have a girl before 23?

Also, an important question: Why did you guys break up? You mentioned breaking up previously. So what were the reasons of break up? Who broke up with whom? (please be honest, this is just a forum and we're just trying to help you, you don't need to include any names, but more details won't hurt in this case), How long did you guys stay "broken up"? Why did you get back together, was it her taking you back or the other way around?

What country is she from, and what country were you originally from? Sometimes these things play a big role, as her "dinner with parents nightly" sort of stood out to be based on how some cultures work.
 
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pyros

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She's from the eastern europe, I'm from the south. We met when we were living abroad.
We broke up before summer, well, I broke up with her because all of this :(
I did not get a gf before cause I did not. I was not even close to a player years before I met her.
I think to myself that if I wanted to get married I'd like it to be with a nice girl like her, but without all this problems...

I forgot to mention that she has a very important health problem that is now ok, but could get worse. This is one of the main things that destroys my hopes of a nice future together :(

it is not that I think I wont be able to get another girl, it is just that I like and love this one, but I'm scared all these things will get worse in time.
I think that if you want to get married you should do it without so many things going on... I don't know.
By the way, nobody answered my questions about her marriage clock ticking...


Thanks.
 

Improving

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I think to myself that if I wanted to get married I'd like it to be with a nice girl like her, but without all this problems...
mmm. let's say you're at the altar and you're thinking this... are you gonna marry her because "everythign will be better"?

Agree with others, red flag 1 may cause problems. I couldn't live with it, but everybody has his own standards.
 

bob2007

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Improving said:
mmm. let's say you're at the altar and you're thinking this... are you gonna marry her because "everythign will be better"?

Agree with others, red flag 1 may cause problems. I couldn't live with it, but everybody has his own standards.
Having lived abroad over the last 2 years in 3 diff countries in Asia. Foreign chicks are very questionable b/c you don't know their true intentions.

You've been together 3 years, you're a GUY. What's your hurry? 26, I wouldn't get married till 30. And b/c you have big doubts, you shouldn't get married yet. Lotta people get married, lotta people get divorces. Health problem, red flag.
 

sexysuave

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part 1

She's from the eastern europe, I'm from the south. We met when we were living abroad.
We broke up before summer, well, I broke up with her because all of this
I did not get a gf before cause I did not. I was not even close to a player years before I met her.
I think to myself that if I wanted to get married I'd like it to be with a nice girl like her, but without all this problems...
Well at least that explains a little bit of the parental attachment. In some eastern European countries, family values are of a lot more importance than here in the US. A lot of times the male kids end up living with their parents and females are the one to move out once they get married. However, I’ve never seen or heard of a case where a girl absolutely HAS TO have dinner at her parents EVERY night. That seems a bit extreme.

Another thing is that most of the girls from these countries (once again, I don’t know the specific country so I’m generalizing) are more submissive than girls here and more willing to follow a man’s lead. A lot of this comes from the upbringing, since they are quite a bit more “old fashioned”, in other words man is the head of the family, the female knows “her place” and a lot of times if kids act out of control, a spanking is not out of the question. Ironically, their divorce rates are so incredibly low that it proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that the culture in that sense absolutely works for marriage. The culture is such that there is no “*****fication” of the males, as can be often seen here in the States.

So having said all that, it doesn’t seem like you quite have the “upper hand” in this relationship, which is required for a marriage to work, at least in my opinion. She is “stubborn” because she has power over you. If you were truly the “man” in this situation, she would bow down and follow your lead, and if you say “babe, we’re not going to your parents every night, that’s too extreme and I want us to have a life of our own”, she should be able to follow your lead on that. If you were firm about such things from the very beginning of your relationship, you would have kept your power. Most guys give in to things early on in order to get a chicks approval, and think later on things will change. They don’t. If you’ve given away all your power, the rest of your relationship will always be a power struggle, because even if you try taking your power back, she already KNOWS that you currently don’t have it. It’s not impossible to get your power back, but it’s damn DAMN hard, and it would actually be much easier to start over with a new girl who is submissive and will follow your lead RIGHT AWAY. But be wary, you always have to keep this frame and keep the lead, because if you slip up and let her have control, you are in TROUBLE.

So I see it more of a case of her not really respecting you 100% as a man, instead of her being stubborn. She just doesn’t care too much about your opinion and wishes, because she has gotten away with this for YEARS, and obviously keeps getting away with it. “You see no pattern to what she may not agree with”, in other words you’re saying, “she’s in charge, and if she doesn’t like something, she’ll throw a fit and I’ll give in, she pretty much has my balls on a platter”. So she’s not stubborn, she’s just in charge and you follow her wishes. You also didn’t answer, how and why did you get back together? If you broke up with her, were you weak enough to give into her trying to get you back? Or did you crumble and go back to her? And how long were you guys apart? Did you or she see anyone else while “broken up”? Sometimes we humans are stupid and get back with our exes because we see them with other people and we just can’t stand it and it makes us want them back (temporarily) and we get back with them, for obviously all the wrong reasons. Before you know it, the same problems that were always there arise again.

Anyway, I don’t expect too much more info from you, since you’re being pretty secretive about the whole thing. I guess I can’t blame you too much, since this is an internet forum and all. But having said that, it’s hard to get some solid advice based on limited information. Oh, and your question about the marriage clock ticking, I mean, sure it’s a decent possibility. We all know that most girls feel like they should be married by a certain age, while they can still be young enough to have kids. So yes, it’s a possibility, but you can’t ask us to be 100% sure in that being one of her main goals. I mean, we don’t know this girl, and you’ve been with her for a while now. In addition to the marriage clock, there can be any millions of additional reasons she wants to marry you, and not all of them are based on love. It’s sad but true. Women can put up with unreal situations for whatever reasons, and pretend like all is fine and dandy. Which is why you see so many old geezers signing away their fortunes to some gold-digging bit*hes in their 20s, whom they are “certain that they love and they love them back”. Aha, yeah, sure.

Oh, and you also said that she even mentions that she might be getting too old to get married and have kids? Wow, they usually won’t say that, and will just trap you lol, but she is pretty much telling you straight up. Look, having said all this, I’m still not even telling you “don’t’ do it”. Hell, it’s your life, do whatever the f*ck you want. I personally think you’re just used to her and she’s all you know. Hell, you couldn’t even get laid before you found her, at 23 years old. This is why I’m asking you, because I don’t know too many guys that didn’t get a girl before they were 23. Too be honest, I don’t think I know ANY guys that waited that long to get a girl, so I asked you why? Were you just too shy; had some glaring physical defect, just introverted and never able to make a move? Didn’t have interest? Anyway, the reason I asked that in the first place, is because the few guys that I do know that waited unusually long to get a girl (maybe they were 19, or 20, or even 21), they had a HARD TIME letting her go.
 

sexysuave

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part 2

I have a person that I’m very close too, that’s been married for a few years, and the last year or so his wife tried to leave him a few times. She is very *****y, commanding, has attitude, but he still sticks around and always takes her back. She even moved out for a couple of months and then she “changed her mind” and moved back into his house, and he let her. He just took her back. Now the curious thing here is, she was the only serious gf he ever had, his first real gf. I’m not sure if he had sex with randoms before or not, but if he did, it wasn’t too many of them. Now the thing is, this guy is a GREAT GUY!! He has also come a long way on developing his body and looks and he is also funny as hell as well. I know for a fact of numerous girls being interested in him, but he’s been with her for quite a few years now and he just can’t seem to let it go, even when it’s glaringly obvious to everyone around that this girl is not good for him. Sometimes I wish I could just slap the living sh*t out of her when she talks up to him or raises her voice and gives him attitude for no reason at all. I even got into it with her once and damn near cursed her out, and he just sat there and didn’t do anything. Later on he asked me not to interfere in his personal life so I’ve bit my tongue since then.

I’ve seen this a few times with guys who’ve only had one girlfriend and married her. They just can’t let her go, and in my opinion (keep in mind, I don’t’ know you), I think this is also happening to you. This is why it is STUPID not to “spin plates”. Guys, or better yet, poor suckers, end up with one girl, idolize her, blow her the f*ck out of proportion in their mind, and then end up stuck with her because that’s all they know!! They beg her to come back when she leaves, they always take her back no matter what. I’ve even seen girls cheat on a guy like this and they still take them back!! It is beyond ridiculous, and that’s the danger of just going the relationship mode and dating a girl and “making it work” and putting work in the relationship. That’s all you know!!!!!! You can’t compare it to anything else because you haven’t had anything else. This is a great downfall of many great men! They think “I’ll never be able to find anyone better” or “well she wanted me when no other girl did” or “I have too much time invested in this” or “what will our parents think”.

Keep in mind, this life is VERY SHORT. It goes by quick. If YOU are not happy, damn what anyone else thinks! You need to put YOU first!

For all the other guys out there, please “spit plates” and date multiple girls before you get serious with any of them… please… please???? It is true, you need to be with a bunch of them to learn how to deal with them, to prove to yourself that you can in fact get girls (yeah, a lot of you here will say, I only have one girl but I know I can get others.. get the f*ck outta here.. you’re just saying that not to look bad.. deep down, you can’t let this bad apple go.)… When you truly KNOW you can get girls, you DON’T put up with any sh*t.. ever.. YOU are the man, not her. Until you try can date multiple girls and go out there and pick up 10, 20, + girls, you really have no idea what it means to truly have an abundance mindset, and the cool, calm, relaxing feeling when you wake up single and HAPPY, knowing that you WILL meet some girls that day.

I’ll never forget when I hooked one of my buddies up with a friend of a girl I was screwing occasionally. We went up to the lake a few hours away to meet up with them for a day, and they stayed that night and we had a great time. I did my thing with my plate and he got “lucky” with her friend. The following morning they had to go home, but we had the condo for another day (at the lake, pool, all that good stuff). I was THRILLED that they were going home, this little lake town had wonderful clubs that were packed with girls at night. My friend on the other hand was begging me to “make them stay”. I’m like “huh, are you kidding me, this is the best news yet”.. he is like “no, tell them they should stay, blab la”.. I’m like “dude, we already f*cked these girls.. tonight, we’re going out and meet new ones.. what’s wrong with you”.. And it took me a minute to convince him, but I was CONVINCED that we are meeting new girls that night and that just came from years of experience of actually doing that. That’s the difference in mindset of only dating a few girls (or one in your case) and dating many of them.

To end this, it is your choice. If you are truly happy with this girl, than go ahead and marry her. But only marry her if that’s what YOU want. Not because you feel sorry for her, not because your parents think it’s right, not because you guys have mutual friends, not any of that! Only if it’s what YOU really want. The sad part about only being with one girl is that you really can’t base your decision on anything… you don’t know if it gets better or worse, you have no comparison…
 
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