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Marriage advice

Ricky

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My situation is similar to this without the guarantee that she has physically cheated. She has emotionally cheated for sure....

I was going no contact and she roped me into a conversation last night. She wants to stay marriage but in more of a roommates style way

I want to reset the frame. She is absolutely terrified of shared custody so if i say cheating would result in shared custody will that be a good start in resetting things? Obviously i have to do alot more than that to restore the frame
 

metalwater

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My situation is similar to this without the guarantee that she has physically cheated. She has emotionally cheated for sure....

I was going no contact and she roped me into a conversation last night. She wants to stay marriage but in more of a roommates style way

I want to reset the frame. She is absolutely terrified of shared custody so if i say cheating would result in shared custody will that be a good start in resetting things? Obviously i have to do alot more than that to restore the frame
Do you mean she suggested to stay married and continue all things except for sex and sleeping together? Tell more about the details of what she is suggesting. If she is not attracted to you then why would she want to stay at all? If she is not being affectionate to you and not providing sex(assuming you want it), why would you want her to stay? How do you know she emotionally cheated? Why do you think she has not physically cheated, is your gut feeling telling you that she is/has? Does she have the time opportunity to cheat?

The ramping up of sex before the problem and then they drop off change due to some trigger.. this is consistent with hormone change at her age or another guy. You have not told anything yet that makes it clear between hormone changes and another guy. If you know what her problem is with you, is she right? if she is, can you address it with her? If you don't know what it is and something silly is the trigger that's a more serious problem and consistent with hormone or another guy. the hormone thing doesn't apply to many of the posters as they usually focus on girls younger than that, and have other fun issues...

If it is already a month without sex, that is long enough. The marriage bed is not a place to settle issues, she needs to be in it with you and at least try to be available. If she does not, then she has no interest in your well being. One month already includes her entire cycle, if there is no change then it is not just an emotional glitch. Being cucked... means you provide for her while she gives you no sex and no affection (mostly no sex) and at the same time she is giving affection/attention and maybe sex to another.
 

Ricky

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Yes essentially it'd be a non-intimate marriage. I told her she is just saying that due to the fighting we've been having and her feelings will change. She has very little time opportunity to cheat. We have a daughter and the only thing she can do is occasionally get out to meet a friend for lunch or dinner.

I won't totally rule out some hormonal changes, but she has been talking to another guy from her country alot.. that caused my jealousy and i got real angry. Of course she says he's just a friend.

Arguing with her is never productive.. she brings up all sorts of things in the past. I agree about the month being way too long. This all kind of started mid September and we keep having fights. We've never fought for anything remotely as long as this before.
 
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BeExcellent

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Advice from the old lady:

In my opinion what you have is an entrenched communication problem. One that the pandemic has simply brought to light. You remain with a language barrier, which means you have no way to know the content of the conversations and added to that she can brazenly have these conversations right under your nose.

I’d record them and get her end of the dialogue translated. Only then will you know the context you are dealing with. You could do with the information.

Keep learning her language if you are serious about turning this around. You have to understand in order to know what is going on.

I don’t like her going outside the marriage for support. That does not bode well. In good relationships the partners turn toward one another to listen & air things out. Like Spaz said, your current approach gains you nothing but an icy peace and quiet. Not good.

Sit her down. Ask her what is going on in the marriage. Listen to her beefs. You need to listen and understand where her head is in order to wrap your head about the problem.

If she feels that you NEVER listen and that you ALWAYS dictate and control you need that information. Always/never statements also tell you she’s polarized. You actually want her polarized. You don’t want indifference.

The roommate situation she suggests concerns me. It reeks of indifference. Not good.

Are you able to sit her down and listen without argument? She may need to feel heard by you. I get the sense that you have allowed her these old country friends for years rather than build a relationship where she feels valued and seen as a person. You’ve allowed her to maintain these friendships rather than taking the time to really connect with her. The pandemic may be revealing this now, but it’s been a thing for some time. This didn’t start last month.

You need to get a better idea what your landscape is. I’m not sure you have a good idea, and that works against you.

I’d start by getting those calls translated. That will tell you volumes.
 

metalwater

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Advice from the old lady:

In my opinion what you have is an entrenched communication problem. One that the pandemic has simply brought to light. You remain with a language barrier, which means you have no way to know the content of the conversations and added to that she can brazenly have these conversations right under your nose.

I’d record them and get her end of the dialogue translated. Only then will you know the context you are dealing with. You could do with the information.

Keep learning her language if you are serious about turning this around. You have to understand in order to know what is going on.

I don’t like her going outside the marriage for support. That does not bode well. In good relationships the partners turn toward one another to listen & air things out. Like Spaz said, your current approach gains you nothing but an icy peace and quiet. Not good.

Sit her down. Ask her what is going on in the marriage. Listen to her beefs. You need to listen and understand where her head is in order to wrap your head about the problem.

If she feels that you NEVER listen and that you ALWAYS dictate and control you need that information. Always/never statements also tell you she’s polarized. You actually want her polarized. You don’t want indifference.

The roommate situation she suggests concerns me. It reeks of indifference. Not good.

Are you able to sit her down and listen without argument? She may need to feel heard by you. I get the sense that you have allowed her these old country friends for years rather than build a relationship where she feels valued and seen as a person. You’ve allowed her to maintain these friendships rather than taking the time to really connect with her. The pandemic may be revealing this now, but it’s been a thing for some time. This didn’t start last month.

You need to get a better idea what your landscape is. I’m not sure you have a good idea, and that works against you.

I’d start by getting those calls translated. That will tell you volumes.
+1 on getting the translations. this is a great idea. doing it might be not simple as you don't want her to know.
 

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Ricky

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I could ask my language tutor to do so but this will only be my second lesson coming up so may wait awhile.

We had an argument today which is a shame because just yesterday we took divorce off the table. I need to keep my cool but i hate being ignored while she talks in her language all night to many different people
 

BeExcellent

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I could ask my language tutor to do so but this will only be my second lesson coming up so may wait awhile.

We had an argument today which is a shame because just yesterday we took divorce off the table. I need to keep my cool but i hate being ignored while she talks in her language all night to many different people
This didn’t happen overnight. You gotta be iron clad in your self control. If you are out of control or angry you are easy to control. You are an experienced seducer. You know this.

Handle yourself.
 

RickTheToad

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I could ask my language tutor to do so but this will only be my second lesson coming up so may wait awhile.

We had an argument today which is a shame because just yesterday we took divorce off the table. I need to keep my cool but i hate being ignored while she talks in her language all night to many different people
Need to control yourself and appear like you don't care what happens. Remember, in the game of intimate relationships, it's the one who cares the least wins.
 

Ricky

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I think i get trapped into this all or none thinking sometimes and panic. I think she is going to always treat me so coldly here on out... or always cut me off romantically....

I know this doesnt need to be the case but it causes me to lash out and get a bad result Every time.... its awful. I need to go for incremental progress which of course can only come from truly not caring as mrgoodstuff and some of my close friends have mentioned...

I think i am generally a more sensitive guy than most and also prone to anxiety and worry
 

Ricky

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The flip side of being so sensitive is that i can find better when things improve even slightly. I can sense a thawing of things quickly, but conversely i also notice when they get more cold
 

mrgoodstuff

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I think i get trapped into this all or none thinking sometimes and panic. I think she is going to always treat me so coldly here on out... or always cut me off romantically....

I know this doesnt need to be the case but it causes me to lash out and get a bad result Every time.... its awful. I need to go for incremental progress which of course can only come from truly not caring as mrgoodstuff and some of my close friends have mentioned...

I think i am generally a more sensitive guy than most and also prone to anxiety and worry
Not caring because you have another activity or another group that you made MORE important than her. So your not trying to ignore her you don't care because your focus on something else.
 

Ricky

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Right now it so tough to have any group activities going on because its cold and covid is still raging.
 

ThisIsSparta

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Yes essentially it'd be a non-intimate marriage. I told her she is just saying that due to the fighting we've been having and her feelings will change. She has very little time opportunity to cheat. We have a daughter and the only thing she can do is occasionally get out to meet a friend for lunch or dinner.
Very little opportunity..... maybe ..... for now..... and how much time does one need to cheat?
If a woman wants to set aside a quiet hour twice a month, she can make it, so could you.

As for the non-intimate thing......... you are not getting desire from her through negotiation. Neither will you get desire for being the nice guy, "understanding her feelings", doing the therapy and giving her all the space she wants. She wont appreciate this, she will see you as a weak man that folds under every ****-test she throws at you.

Make it clear, if she wants to be non-intimate, you wont be for the rest of your life.

Its time to change YOURSELF but not the way your wife or therapist would suggest:
Get confident
get better your looks to attract other women
get options
get independent of your wifes good will
stop reacting to every emotional fart your wife lets fly
become stoic instead of angry, if she talks to "friends" you talk to female "friends" (if you dont have them, make some!)
get a mission in your life, stop focussing your attention on your wife.

On activities:
Only women complain about the cold/heat/rain/darkness etc. , stop being a woman! Get out and do the things!
Nobody says you need to be with a group for activities, so covid and the cold is NO excuse to make your wife the center of your universe.

You need to toughen up, quickly!
 

metalwater

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if you can not think of anything else.. to get/keep busy..

enroll in an online university and start working on a degree or cert in some intresting field for you. it can be related to your work or not. if possible make sure to include at least one class that will have a coordinated online discussion time and or group project(s). this will give you something to work on, that will grow your value and self esteem at the same time keep you busy. when your working on it, go into your work area in the house and lock the door. when you can get out and about, do so.
 

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kingvavy

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get a mission in your life, stop focussing your attention on your wife.
this.

I feel your pain man. Look at my post history. When I joined, my first posts are a word for word repeat of your situation. Stop focusing on your wife. I told you earlier in this thread what to do. Work with a social worker certified in teaching court ordered anger management. Start lifting. Start ignoring your wife. Stop focusing on her and what she does and says. Unless you find her in the act, do not go down the “is she cheating” rabbit hole. Going there will drain you to the point where you will go insane.

Good luck.
 

Andy Dufresne

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The was an old poster here, who would constantly whine abt his wife and daughters.

They don't respect him.

Each time he opens his mouth, he'd have an argument, with his daughters siding their mom.

Maybe his situation is even worse then yours.

I gave him a solution, one that he admits is brilliant, now, he's no where to be seen on this forum, I would assume that he is now successful enough with it and busy with what he most desires then being in Sosuave to moan and cry endlessly for years on end.

If anyone knows that link, I've forgotten which thread, kindly forward it to him.

In it, I gave him a step by step follow-through to do, one that will get his daughters and also wife all excited AND still come out as the BOSS.

All it takes is leadership, I don't mean initiate an argument, I mean effective leadership that gets results.
Dude, YOU are the MAN !! Exactly.
 

Andy Dufresne

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I started reading (Quite extensively) Pscyho-cybernetics that was referred to on this site. Excellent book.

Here's one little tip I got from this Maxwell Malts MD. It's already helped me to NOT fucose on things MADE UP in my IMAGINATION bc your nervous system is connected to your thoughts and that mechanism cannot tell the difference between what is real and not real.

What causes anxiety, nervousness, tension, worry is the habit of responding EMOTIONALLY to something that doesn't exist except in our imaginations. We create strawmen in our imaginations & emotionally respond to our own mental pictures. That most likely won't even happen.

This helps if you try this...

(ps a minute: I want to create a new post about something to talk about but I end up commenting but I got one coming. Eventually)

When I worry about a situation w/ a sweetie that's been brewing since summer I tell myself 'Not to answer that bell' let the phone ring. It's just made up whimsical ideas contoured up by my imagination. Stay in the moment that I'm presently in and ONLY fucose on whats going on NOW. Thats when your creative mechanism works it doesn't work for tomorrow or yesterday. It's not easy to do but it gets easy, practice.

Here's an example of my creative mechanism at work and not letting me down.. ;)

My wife's best friend calls nearly everyday, right. We've had a crush on each other going back yrs. She's made little moves I've made little move's. long story. It was her 40 b-day other day I wished her a happy birthday the day before (while wife on phone w/ her, me in background) I thought wife would be out early so I couldn't really wish her H-Bday on actual day but turns out she was home nxt day I didnt want to lamely say H-B-Day again? okay.

So at the time, moments before her calling I created the solution or my creative mechanism did. Here's how I did it gents :)

While they were talking, she's mad at her husband for waiting for the last minute stuff. I said (prior to my move) in conjunction w/ my wife that guys don't mature until age 50. Wife was saying that this was my case. She builds me up ALL the time to this little sweetie I don't have to do a lot of the work I keep it low. lol. She's slip't in stuff like "And he's cute, too! To add whatever my wife was boasting about at the time. But then apologizing once my wife would say "yes he is cute Liza I agree with you" LOL Loved that!!

So I come up to the phone and say to both of them "hey you guys, I have an announcement to make" Wife says "what? that when ur 50?" I go "No thats not it.. are u both listening? THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT" I was real serious too. They both stopped talking then I went "Happy birthday Liza " I got a "Ahhhh that is so SWEET!" I LOVE how he did THAT! Thank You Andy (not my real name or hers) She went on & on a little bit.

I only came up w/ lame ideas the night before cuz it wasnt time to act. The mechanism couldn't be activated. HAFTA GO BOY"S SEEYA

Seeya wouldnt wanna be ya !! lol
 

RickTheToad

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He needs to actually NOT care. Find something to do instead. Get INTO it.
Agreed. When I meant like, I mean, DGAF if she stays or goes. However, that's a tough pill to swallow if you are already married. Reason being, the exit fees are going the be costly. Thus, he many need to play chicken for a bit to see if she falls back in line. It's one of the reasons why I am so against marriage.. The exit fee is thousands and places a huge emotional toll as well.
 

CAPSLOCK BANDIT

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Here’s some advice from someone who was in your shoes...mine ended in divorce. I did the complete opposite of this advice:

1. Do not, under any circumstances, agree to marriage or “couples” counselling. There is no training to becoming a “couples” counsellor. Talk to any therapist worth their salt, the whole idea of therapy is based on a one to one relationship. i.e. you and the therapist. One therapist trying to work with two people is a recipe for divorce, and going to couples counselling will only accelerate you towards the big D. I know there is advice on this thread telling you to try it, but I’m telling you that couples counselling is one of the biggest myths out there. The couples counsellor has the lawyer, parenting coordinator, mediator, and child psychologist on their (to use an old term) rolodex. Don’t do it. Men and women think differently, and getting you to express yourself like a woman is not going to make you sexier to your wife.

2. If she asks for space longer than a day, then she is giving you the mother of all shyt tests. “Trial separations” or “give me time” are code for “leave me alone while I either enjoy my affair, or allow myself to indulge in my emotional affair, or give me time to fantasize about having an affair...”. Space longer than a few days is BS. If she won’t snap out of it after a day or two, start going out on your own and don’t tell her what you’re doing. Not telling you to step out, just don’t tell her. Go to a gym and pump iron. Meditate. Rinse and repeat. Buy a new wardrobe. But remain the cool, calm, stoic centre that you are. Don’t play by her rules. Work on your body. Work on your mind. Work on not reacting. Nothing is less sexy than losing your cool, so if anger is an issue, go see a qualified social worker who is accredited teaching court ordered “anger management” courses. Avoid “therapists” who are not qualified. Dealing with anger is not about crying to someone about how Mommy didin’t give you enough hugs. Maybe it is on a deeper level, but if you’re losing your shyt, you need real techniques that work in the moment.

Good luck!
this is not good my man.

My ex required a steady stream of male orbiters at all times...you can turn this around but you need to grow up a bit. I can only assume you still have opposite sex friendships? You need to end those, and then you need to tell your wife to end hers. You hang with the boys, she has girls nights, and then you have couples nights. Marriage and opposite sex friendships do not work.

Personally, by 17, every woman who is not related to you, who you spend time with, should be a woman you want to bed, but that is a different topic.
Is your psychologist certified to conduct court ordered anger management therapy? If not, get rid of him/her and find one who is. Most are social workers.

You need to learn to effectively handle your anger if you’re going to get through this. Get it under control. Once you have a good grasp on how to control your emotions, you need to tell her that the opposite sex friendships end now. And, you back it up by ending yours.

If you don’t have a firm grasp on how to control your anger, you will fly off the handle when you tell her to end the relationships. She will resist. If she defies you, maintain a calm demeanour and continue going out without telling her where you’re going or what you’re doing. Join a midnight gym and channel your rage into pumping iron.

I’m giving you solid advice here. Do it before it’s too late. Divorce with kids is hell. That said, you have a ways to go on your red pill journey. I was in your exact shoes when I joined this forum. I thought the advice I was getting here was crazy but the guys who beat me down with what I thought was “crazy” advice ended up being 100% right. Your psychologist is right in saying you can’t control what she does, but you CAN control what you do.

Good luck and keep posting.
These replies should of been /thread, unfortunately they were buried under 3 pages.
 
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