True fearlessness: acting through your own intentions in spite of feeling fear
Hey guys.
Long term relationships are pretty taboo in the Don Juan community. A lot of us are coming from backgrounds of having a girlfriend that ended up hurting us. Others look at other dudes with girlfriends and see “CHUMP” written on their forehead...
- Guys who are whipped
- Guys who complain about being trapped in their relationship
- Guys who complain that the sex is pretty lame
- Guys who are so emasculated that you can point out a hot girl and he'll say “no, my girlz da only pertty one yo!”
- Guys doing outright weird things with their girlfriend (I saw a couple sitting next to each other in the friggin cafeteria feeding each other like babies. wtf?)
A year ago I read Stephen Covey's book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and he dropped one of the most profound things I have ever learned: the maturity continuum.
Dependence----->independence----->interdependence
Basically, most guys are in dependence. They are dependent on their circumstances... their rationalizations... their story... their comparisons... and the opinion of other people for their confidence.
To feel good about themselves, guys are entirely dependent on their external world.
We could say that they are “trapped in their egos.”
With this sorry state of affairs, it's no wonder that relationships are so ****ed up in Western society.
Think about how “love” is portrayed in the media. Is that love... or neediness?
When I used to crush hard on girls, I would feel what Tyler describes as “grabbing onto two electrical cords and being jolted by electricity.” It feels good while it lasts... but there is a VERY nasty downside. That downside is suffering, and it suuuuuucks...
When two dependent people get into a relationship, it's really ****ed up.
This series that I'm putting together will show you how to create interdependent relationships, which are totally awesome.
First, though, we need to go from dependence to independence.
What I like about the style taught on this forum and on other programs is that it's core-confidence focused, and it really pushes you to move out of the dependent paradigm and into the independent one. This is why I like it so much- it gives you a solid foundation for good relationships.
Now, ultimately becoming “independent” means dealing with FEAR.
Guys who are fearful are motivated to move away from what they don't want. This is why people are in that dependent frame of mind- manipulating your circumstances allows you to avoid unpleasant emotions, which usually boil down to fear.
Ultimately, dating is pretty simple. You strike up a conversation, you vibe for a bit, you get her contact info, you meet up, kiss her at some point, bring her to your place and do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel. Obviously this get simpler or more complicated depending on where you meet her, but this is generally how it goes down.
So... what stops us from leading a girl through this very simple process?
Fear. To avoid bad emotions associated with rejection, you don't say to a girl you just met “yo, give me your phone number.”
This doesn't stop after you pull her to your place.
The vast majority of guys are **** in bed (Search for a thread called: How To Make Love Better Than A Pornstar that I wrote on this forum a year ago), and the biggest reason is that guys either don't care about their partner's satisfaction or care to the point of being scared about not performing well.
Performance anxiety. Fear of premature ejaculation. Fear of not giving her an orgasm.
A lot of guys have a fear of losing their girlfriend. You get anxious when she's out with friends. You freak out when she freaks out. You need to be all over her when you're in public in order to show off the fact that you're not a complete ****ing loser.
Here's the problem: fear KILLS attraction.
Masculine polarity is rooted in being fearless. In a woman's chaotic world, she wants to lean on your certainty and right action. Neither are possible if you allow yourself to be controlled by your fear.
Fear is something that you need to do deal with.
Ultimately, this comes down to your relationship with fear. Guess what, there's three types of relationships you can have with fear.
- Dependent relationship with fear: you try to avoid it, because it dictates your actions. You are reactive.
- Independent relationship with fear: you are indifferent to it. You feel the fear... but you do what you need to do anyway. You are unreactive.
- Interdependent relationship with fear: the presence of fear is welcomed, because it points you in the right direction
To overcome your fear, you need to push your comfort zone, feel the fear that naturally comes up, and do what you need to do anyway.
You need to have the “click” that you are not your fear, that ultimately fear's grip on you is ALL IN YOUR HEAD and is not real.
Becoming fearless does not mean a lack of fear in your life- it means disempowering it.
To get these reference experiences, push your comfort zone daily. This could be as small as pounding weights harder than you have before, approaching 5 groups of girls with the intention of getting blown out, trying something new at work, whatever.
Make facing fear daily a spiritual practice. Remind yourself that there is a separation between you and fear. You are not its *****.
Do some identity level work on fear. NLP, self-help and Eastern Philosophy all have awesome things about this kind of stuff.
Here's something powerful you can start doing now: when you experience fear and react to it, ask yourself the question of "why?" Fear ultimately points to something, usually in your mind, as its source. Use this gift of awareness to its fullest.
It's a process, and as you become more and more fearless, you will become a more and more masculine man.
If you persist, you will truly be a rare thing in modern society: a real man.
Being a real man is the foundation for a great man-woman relationship.
It's the foundation for a love that isn't rooted in neediness.
-Cory
Hey guys.
Long term relationships are pretty taboo in the Don Juan community. A lot of us are coming from backgrounds of having a girlfriend that ended up hurting us. Others look at other dudes with girlfriends and see “CHUMP” written on their forehead...
- Guys who are whipped
- Guys who complain about being trapped in their relationship
- Guys who complain that the sex is pretty lame
- Guys who are so emasculated that you can point out a hot girl and he'll say “no, my girlz da only pertty one yo!”
- Guys doing outright weird things with their girlfriend (I saw a couple sitting next to each other in the friggin cafeteria feeding each other like babies. wtf?)
A year ago I read Stephen Covey's book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and he dropped one of the most profound things I have ever learned: the maturity continuum.
Dependence----->independence----->interdependence
Basically, most guys are in dependence. They are dependent on their circumstances... their rationalizations... their story... their comparisons... and the opinion of other people for their confidence.
To feel good about themselves, guys are entirely dependent on their external world.
We could say that they are “trapped in their egos.”
With this sorry state of affairs, it's no wonder that relationships are so ****ed up in Western society.
Think about how “love” is portrayed in the media. Is that love... or neediness?
When I used to crush hard on girls, I would feel what Tyler describes as “grabbing onto two electrical cords and being jolted by electricity.” It feels good while it lasts... but there is a VERY nasty downside. That downside is suffering, and it suuuuuucks...
When two dependent people get into a relationship, it's really ****ed up.
This series that I'm putting together will show you how to create interdependent relationships, which are totally awesome.
First, though, we need to go from dependence to independence.
What I like about the style taught on this forum and on other programs is that it's core-confidence focused, and it really pushes you to move out of the dependent paradigm and into the independent one. This is why I like it so much- it gives you a solid foundation for good relationships.
Now, ultimately becoming “independent” means dealing with FEAR.
Guys who are fearful are motivated to move away from what they don't want. This is why people are in that dependent frame of mind- manipulating your circumstances allows you to avoid unpleasant emotions, which usually boil down to fear.
Ultimately, dating is pretty simple. You strike up a conversation, you vibe for a bit, you get her contact info, you meet up, kiss her at some point, bring her to your place and do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel. Obviously this get simpler or more complicated depending on where you meet her, but this is generally how it goes down.
So... what stops us from leading a girl through this very simple process?
Fear. To avoid bad emotions associated with rejection, you don't say to a girl you just met “yo, give me your phone number.”
This doesn't stop after you pull her to your place.
The vast majority of guys are **** in bed (Search for a thread called: How To Make Love Better Than A Pornstar that I wrote on this forum a year ago), and the biggest reason is that guys either don't care about their partner's satisfaction or care to the point of being scared about not performing well.
Performance anxiety. Fear of premature ejaculation. Fear of not giving her an orgasm.
A lot of guys have a fear of losing their girlfriend. You get anxious when she's out with friends. You freak out when she freaks out. You need to be all over her when you're in public in order to show off the fact that you're not a complete ****ing loser.
Here's the problem: fear KILLS attraction.
Masculine polarity is rooted in being fearless. In a woman's chaotic world, she wants to lean on your certainty and right action. Neither are possible if you allow yourself to be controlled by your fear.
Fear is something that you need to do deal with.
Ultimately, this comes down to your relationship with fear. Guess what, there's three types of relationships you can have with fear.
- Dependent relationship with fear: you try to avoid it, because it dictates your actions. You are reactive.
- Independent relationship with fear: you are indifferent to it. You feel the fear... but you do what you need to do anyway. You are unreactive.
- Interdependent relationship with fear: the presence of fear is welcomed, because it points you in the right direction
To overcome your fear, you need to push your comfort zone, feel the fear that naturally comes up, and do what you need to do anyway.
You need to have the “click” that you are not your fear, that ultimately fear's grip on you is ALL IN YOUR HEAD and is not real.
Becoming fearless does not mean a lack of fear in your life- it means disempowering it.
To get these reference experiences, push your comfort zone daily. This could be as small as pounding weights harder than you have before, approaching 5 groups of girls with the intention of getting blown out, trying something new at work, whatever.
Make facing fear daily a spiritual practice. Remind yourself that there is a separation between you and fear. You are not its *****.
Do some identity level work on fear. NLP, self-help and Eastern Philosophy all have awesome things about this kind of stuff.
Here's something powerful you can start doing now: when you experience fear and react to it, ask yourself the question of "why?" Fear ultimately points to something, usually in your mind, as its source. Use this gift of awareness to its fullest.
It's a process, and as you become more and more fearless, you will become a more and more masculine man.
If you persist, you will truly be a rare thing in modern society: a real man.
Being a real man is the foundation for a great man-woman relationship.
It's the foundation for a love that isn't rooted in neediness.
-Cory
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