makeup or breakup?

[3rdeye]

First off i just want to say thank you for all for the usefull information on this site!
I havent been here in over 2 years, although i still get weekly messages sent to my e-mail account, that i continue to read.
Most of you already know the reason why i havent been here for over 2 years. After all a relationship takes up alot of time, so does school, work, and friends.
These were/and are my current goals. except one is failing/failed. i'll explain more.
Yes the relationship that i was in for the last 2 years came to a grinding halt last sunday night.
the break/breakup was a shocker and pain is stronger then i have ever felt before. Surprisingly even to myself i have been able to keep my head on straight with only one day in the dumps (monday april28). I have been going through fast transitions. I know i will get over this but i have a few lose ends to tidy up.
And this is why im here. i have read most of the DJ bible in the past and re-fresh once and a while, although i pick an choose what suits my personallity best.
The DJ bible has shaped me into the person who i am today. And im proud of it.
This relationship in question that is on the brink had only one big issue. It has come down to age. I am 26 in a couple of months she is 21 next month.
I will occasionally go to bars/clubs with her but not as much as when i was younger. She loves to go to bars. Even more now since more of her friends are now into their legal drinking age (19). I also encouraged her to go even when i wasnt in the mood to be at a club. i dont have a problem with her going. One week ago today (wed april23) was one of her friends birthday party at a local club. To my surprised i wasnt even invited. I asked why, she told me it was going to be a girls night.
I later found out that my best friend was invited and other guys i knew were invited via facebook.
So i Questioned her again about why i was not invited to which she replied
"i didnt know guys were invited"
i gave her the benefit of doubt. her firend put the invites out via facebook. After a couple of days things quickly deteriated between us, conversations only led to arguments. so bad infact i told her to leave. I have to admit i lost my cool, and what i did next was unlike anything i have ever done. i have her password for things such as hotmail, facebook, and anyother web site she belongs to. that is how open we are.
Out of anger i decided to check her facebook account (big mistake) but a vital piece of rock solid evidence. i checked her messages, she usually deleats all her sent messages, which was the case. but she never even knew the messages still save on the incoming messages which is almost a duplicate to sent messages provided the contact replies back.
i found a message that goes like this :


jason @#@$
8:28am Apr 5th
Hey there! sorry for the late texting last night, i was at a party and couldnt hear my phone half the time. so i assume you recieved them all lol. so that was a surprise, allthough it was almost like the last time we spoke haha.which i think is pretty sweet, and blunt but i like. so what do you wanna do? you wanna do coffee and chill somewhere soon? let me know k hun
xoxo (you can put those anywhere u wish) BYE!!!

Jen &*((^%
5:29pm Apr 6th
hey you!! whats new haha i was at (club) as per normal lol! thats like my second home but yes we should definatly meet up soon! i will call you soon wink wink lol i know i am very blunt! but were those messages just the e talkin or do u mean it lol? cause it would be like old times you know! awsome! lol message me again on here but only private messages cause you know... u have a gf and my bf you know the whole jelously thing so only private one! talk to you soon! wink wink! you hot by the way! talk to you soon hun! xoxo
Sending message... Reply:Attach:remove

Wow and this happened almost a month before her friends birthday.
So Sunday rolls along and she called me up so that we can talk things out. She tells me that she dosnt want to fight anymore.
i agree, but i told her i have a confession to make.
i told her about the facebook messages, at first she got mad at me.
I quickly cut her off and tell her what was she thinking.
she only dumbly replies "i was drunk and it meant nothing" and "he was high on e, and meant nothing of it."
I didnt buy it. I asked her if she ever cheated on me. she said no. this i belive because of the look in her eye. she never met up with this guy after these messages. i belive her because i was with her most of the time (april 6-27), and i can tell when she is lying. this i feel i dont need to prove to you guys. i knew in my gut she didnt cheat on me.
But i do belive it would be only a matter of time.

(sorry for compressing this story. i just didnt know where to begin. If any of this story seems unclear ask me to fill in the blanks)

My million dollar question to all you is whats would you do?

keep in mind a few things. the duration we have been goin out for. the compatiblity, the fact that she didnt cheat...
she was a great girl untill this. even though it wasnt cheating, it was too close for comfort.

Heres what i have been doing so far.
after telling her about the message i saw on facebook i told her to leave and that ill call her when im ready to. Untill then we are not goin to see each other.
so far ive held true to my word. We talked lastnight, she told me how sorry she was for making me feel this way. (she still wont give me any real reason why she said those things in those messages?!)
I told her i was hurt and that i wont be able to trust her like i used to. ive packed up all her belongings that she had at my house and are sitting in the corner of my room untill i reach my final decision. (sunday may4) is the day we have the final talk.

Please feel free to offer me any advice or guidence
im still torn about my decision... i will keep you all posted in the next few days.
thanks again sosuave.com i owe you!

 

[kingwilliam]

Drop her **** off at her place and cease all communcation. In the meantime to distract yourself, hang out with friends and pick up new women.

She has violated your trust and it will never be the same.

She is young and has no idea what she wants in life.

TRUST ME

 

[3rdeye]

easier said then done kingwilliam,
please give me an example to which might show more insight to your brief unexplained answear.
Im stuck in my way and she is out the door.
i guess all im looking for is rational way of dealing with her and talking to her when i tell her its over.
like i said in the post we communicate well, and im not one to slam a door an storm off like a little boy! i belive i have more integrity then that!

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Your in a tought spot bro, no doubt. But you need to look at the bottom line in this whole scenario. You two are at different phases of your life. She's just entering her party prime and you are exiting that mode. While that doesn't necessarily mean things can't work out, it stacks the odds against you.

Furthermore, this chick is incredibly young, naive and has you slightly brainwashed due to the strong feelings you have for her. I'm not going to get into the whole did she physically cheat on you or not, if you feel in your gut that she didn't, then just leave it at that. However, that message CLEARLY shows intent to cheat which in my book is a deal-breaker.

She is only sorry because you have evidence of her drunk blunders. What else could she say in this situation? Who knows what her other messages to this dude or any other guy might have said.

The fact is your gf got too comfortable in her relationship, you stopped being the guy that got her interested in the first place and she was anchoring her line to jump to the next ship.

I don't see how you will ever be able to trust her again.

I've been in your shoes and one of the biggest reasons I had a hard time letting go was because I had invested so much time and effort, I felt like I owed it to myself to try and work it out. However, I was lying to myself, I was a shell of who I use to be and wasn't ready to go back out into the world by myself. However, there was one thing I would never completely compromise; my self-respect.

Let her go bro. The journey is tough, but its necessary to help you grow and find someone who's more on your level. She might have been great, she might have been hot, but she wasn't the right fit and you know that deep down. Don't even think about girls, just get back to being who you were, make up for lost time with family and friends, enjoy the things you want to do (the gym, bars etc) and start the healing process.

This is all about respecting yourself. Be prepared for her to pull out every stop in the book; crying, telling you how much she loves you, apologizing, telling you it will never happen again etc. But don't buy it, she wants you to feel sympathy for her mistakes.


I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will be the BEST decision in the long run.


Always look forward, never back.



PIMP

 

[speed dawg]

Man, I know it's tough, but I'd probably leave her. Many people will say keep fukking her but that is impossible, since you are emotionally involved with her. I'd let her go and cease contact with her. My rationale? This:

u have a gf and my bf you know the whole jelously thing so only private one!

I could not deal with that. I wouldn't be able to trust her, and it would eat me up. Think about it, that guy she messaged thinks you are a chump. I would not want anyone thinking my significant other was a chump, if I really loved and cared about them.

It sucks that in this AFC day and age all contact is through means such as facebook, but you can also look at that in a positive way. Now, you have proof of her true character, and don't have to wait years down the road when she physically cheats on you, you catch her, and then go crazy. Think of it as a the best thing that could have happened to you!

 

[DonGorgon]

Bide time or save time?

 

[Latinoman]

Dump her. Plain and simple.

1- She disrespected you and made a fool out of you
2- She is a party girl now
3- She is only 21 and you are in your 20s too...date more women dude!
4- She has access to technology that will allow her to easily meet other men with whom she will continue disrespecting you


By the way...Facebook? How old are you guys? 15?

 

[3rdeye]

By the way...Facebook? How old are you guys? 15?

lol no sir, you're just a dinosaur!
its pretty common even with people your age. i have my parents on there. there in there late 50's where have you been?

im only kidding. Your advice helps me make that decision that im going to make this sunday.

Let her go bro. The journey is tough, but its necessary to help you grow and find someone who's more on your level. She might have been great, she might have been hot, but she wasn't the right fit and you know that deep down. Don't even think about girls, just get back to being who you were, make up for lost time with family and friends, enjoy the things you want to do (the gym, bars etc) and start the healing process.

Thanks Pimp this really hit home for me. Thanks for actually being able to relate, and inform without being snappy about answering my question.

 

[decades]

the party's over, time to call it a day!!

 

[The Bat]

As the great Charlie Sheen once said, "Let's go to a strip joint, get drunk, and let the healing being!"

 

[Latinoman]

lol no sir, you're just a dinosaur!
its pretty common even with people your age. i have my parents on there. there in there late 50's where have you been?

I am 40...have been involved with women nearly your age...and don't suffer or have suffered from your drama. That should tell you something.

By the way, I used to do simulation and modeling. I am abreast of technology as much as the person next door. Perhaps more. Don't underestimate me just because I have better things to do than begging for attention in a place like MySpace or Facebook. In fact, I have better things to do than giving too much attention to women in those "social networks".

I stand by my post: Facebook is for kids or people socially handicapped. And a tool that allows women to EASILY seek attention and emotionally cheat on their men.

I am not even dissing the "on-line dating". I am talking here about MySpace and Facebook. If you would have found a woman that did NOT need the "attention" or "validation" that all those losers are giving her...you would not be in this predicament. I know women in their mid 20s that don't waste their time in that crap. Sure...they like the party scene...but they get so much attention in PERSON that they don't waste their time trying to get more on-line.

 

[Latinoman]

Note: If you think that girl has not cheated on you...in the bar scene...I think you might be a little naive. I mean that. I used to be in the party scene all the way into my mid 30s. And I'm talking 1-3 nights a week.

 

[jophil28]

lol no sir, you're just a dinosaur!

.

Hey junior, don't be calling Latinoman a DINOSAUR - think of him as your older brother . However I am more like your father ,and that makes ME the dinosaur here. Get it ?

However, you need to take Latino's advice right down to the last comma. THis G/f of yours has moved out of a "relationship" mindset into a bad place in which she is playing you. Your situation is common and most of us have been there once.. It never gets any better from here on if you stay with her.. Why? Because your staying tells her that she can have her cake and eat it too, and that is how she will play it for the duration .

You are at a fork in the road . Dump her, take the high road, cut your losses and walk tall .

 

[appasionata]

I think the seniors told you what needs to be told but I am going to comment on something else:

Do you share passwords with this chick and do you consider that being open? I am pretty sure she has access to all your electronic information as well.

That is really not being open friend. That is being stupid. Stop that, never do it with any woman ( not even with your wife, she needs her own space and you shouldn't be allowed in there ) and try to figure out why it is such a BAD idea...

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Lets do some DJ Math shall we? You're 26, she's almost 21 and you've been doing the LTR thing for 2 years up to this point. This means she's 18 and you're 24 when you hooked up. 2 years may seem like a pretty short time, but when you're monogamous for 2 years in your mid 20's it's pretty significant because this is your prime years for figuring out what your ambitions are, experiencing a variety of things life can offer (not limited to just women) and learning to use an adult social skill set. Your GF on the other hand is transitioning from adolescence into her party years and is only just now discovering new experiences. 2 years with you from 18 or 19 till 21 makes you an artifact.

I say this because at the time you paired up she was still an adolescent and most likely held the belief that monogamy was a natural flow and a goal she should strive for. Like most, she likely internalized the Disney/Matrix monogamy idealism that were conditioned to for the better part of our lives up to this point. She experienced this with you for 2 years, but commonly this monogamy idealism is disillusioned for most young adults at this time (18-21).

A lot happens during this period, in fact a popular concept now is that this phase is almost like a 2nd puberty, but in a psychological sense. Year 18 is a pivotal time in our lives; we're making decisions that will affect our future course in life - college, career, ambition, military service, etc. - and at the same time we transition (or should) into developing an adult social skill set while becoming more comfortable with our own sexuality. Needless to say this is a lot all at once for both genders while struggling to mature into what will eventually become their adult psyches. All of this, all these important decisions, all of this new self-awareness is then further compounded by a monogamy idealism that's been conditioned into us over the course of our prepubescent and adolescent socialization years.

In casting this off, for some, this is like rejecting a religion, for others it's simple necessity (like military service, or attending a university in another state), and for others it's just liberating. This makes the high school BF an artifact of this period. He joins the other stuffed animals she's out grown; she still loves him, but really has no use for him. He's comforting on the occasions when she falls down, gets rejected or suffers some other painful consequence of her learning in this transition (i.e. her party years), but she returns to him like a child who needs consoling before she goes back out to the playground to give it another go. However, that said, he will in most cases never go back to the adolescent monogamy status he once enjoyed. And usually this is because he's maturing (or should be) himself and cannot devote the same effort he had.

This is a very vicious cycle for AFC young men these days because they will readily compromise their transition decisions in order to maintain this monogamy ideal, or better position themselves to be available for a former GF to "come back" to him once she's "come to her senses" and sees him as the ideal BF after she's had her fun. He thinks this is noble proof of his quality, but rather than casting of this AFC idealism he retards his maturation. It mires him in this constant cycle of trying to find the correct formula of behavior, belief and identifying with her to get his adolescence GF back into his confused frame while his most valuable resources - time, youth energy, passion, opportunity, etc - whither away.

It's all too easy to just say NEXT her, but put yourself into this awareness of what you're going through and what she's going through. You have to put yourself into her head for a bit. Why would she do, say, think as she does in light of being aware of what her (and your own) conditions are? Just to be clear, I'm not advocating that monogamy be entirely avoided, it's also a part of the maturation process, but premature, naive, adolescent idealist monogamy is only quicksand for a guy who MUST progress himself in order to be prepared to be the Man that women will want to associate themselves with. Men don't become Men until they're 30 now; precious few get to that point single, successful and aware of their own value. The entire world conspires against him.

 

[Po-Coordinator]

Hey man, I have been there before. It sucks. But honestly it is for the best. I would say leave her. You are young and you can find someone that has the same interest as you.

She obviously lied. She has lied in the past. She will lie in the future. Don't put yourself through that.

I am also 26, and I know that this is probably one of the best times of our lives. Have to go out and live it up.

Again, I am sorry dude. It won't be easy, but you have to move on.

 

[3rdeye]

alright everyon calm down... the internet is a funny thing everyone gets so on edge. when all i was looking for was simple guidance or advice.

now aside from the personal jabs that get "us" no where ie junior, dinosaur, facebook pfft?! etc

thank you all for the good advice. she came over lastnight after work and picked up her belongings. we had our final goodbye on good terms. I feel better then ever. infact i havent felt this way since i started goin to the bars for the first time legally.
thanks again for the advice or i should say re-assurance of my decision, next time lest keep the jabs to ourselves.

EDIT : thanks for the post Pimp-sicle, you basically put my buried thoughts into words (due to emotional cover). thats what i love about this site. In a time of need some make the time to relate.
the only reason im not dropping her without closure is for a piece of mind. like i said in my original post. i pick an choose what i want out of the bible to what suits my personallity best. its too bad religious people cant do the same!
my wounds are healing with the aide of a few really good close friends of mine.

 

[mintxx]

i cannot believe that you would even entertain the idea of seeing this girl again after reading what you did in her facebook messages. i'd drop my gf for half that. it's good to see that you've eventually done the right thing mate

 

[Latinoman]

The few smacks (jabs) got your attention...didn't they? You asked for advice...we gave you the advice. You followed it and you are cool now.

She is a kid and you let her go...things are cool now. Now time to move on and find new experiences.

 

[RAFCToMackStatus]

Co-sign. Let her go.