Made a textbook AFC mistake...but it worked!

[Jariel]

I've posted a few threads already about my involvement with a female friend and I won't deny that I have a case of oneitis for her.

Well, a few days ago things took a bad turn and she told me that she was not ready to get involved and wanted to go back to being friends.

I had just been LJBF'd, so with nothing left to lose I decided to open up and tell her how I really feel, how I can't stop thinking about her, about how much I enjoy her company and how much I look forward to seeing her. I said it in a confident tone, yet the content was from the heart and what many would call an AFC move. I'm sure many people cringed when they read that.

In response to hearing this she opened up and told me that she felt the same. She told me a lot of other things too, like how she dreams about me, plagues her friends by talking about me all the time and how she was scared to get involved because she feels we would get hurt.

However, she felt reassured by what I had told her and it changed everything. We are a lot more than friends now and she is just as happy and keen as I am about it. There is no power play and the tension has eased off since we came forward with our feelings.

All women are different and all situations are unique, and sometimes the "rules" of dating and seduction just do not apply. Just act on your own initiative and do it with confidence and conviction.

 

[rgeere]

I don't think what you did was AFC at all, Jariel. Sometimes girls will befriend guys with the intention of forming a better relationship with them, which can later mean sex [if you are patient enough]. By telling her what you did you began sort of a closeness that allowed some trustworthiness to be built. This is what you want in a mature relationship.

 

[FM 3321]

Reading this makes me wanna call my ex and tell her my real feelings.

 

[AverageFC]

how did it take a bad turn?

 

[Kaine]

There are ALWAYS exceptions. People are not machines and there is no god given manual on attraction. I would say this is an exception.

Jariel, would it be correct to say that she thought you were a bit of player?

Kaine

 

[rgeere]

Originally posted by FM 3321
Reading this makes me wanna call my ex and tell her my real feelings.

I wouldn't, these are two entirely different social contexts. Jariel was befriended by a girl that wants to get closer to him, whereas you were rejected by a girl. In his case it's friendship acception, in your case it's friendship rejection.

 

[DeathDealer]

Uh, being friends then relationship is the worst way to start a relationship especially if the girl denied from the very beginning.

 

[rgeere]

Originally posted by DeathDealer
Uh, being friends then relationship is the worst way to start a relationship especially if the girl denied from the very beginning.

In most circumstances I would agree, but not always. Having sex and then trying to form a relationship can be just as rocky relationshipwise.

 

[FM 3321]

Originally posted by rgeere
I wouldn't, these are two entirely different social contexts. Jariel was befriended by a girl that wants to get closer to him, whereas you were rejected by a girl. In his case it's friendship acception, in your case it's friendship rejection.

Yeah, it is different. I just got caught up in an mental emotional moment after reading his story.

 

[Bonhomme]

Very intuitive of you

Glad to read the good news, Jariel. Good of you to post it, just to show that sometimes the usual "rules" just don't apply.

Every situation is unique. In your case, she evidently really was afraid to lose the friendship. Thinking about it, you and her had enough history that your relationship jumped past several of the usual steps, so to speak. Very different than someone you just met recently.

 

[ScrewIt]

wasnt afc at all.

If you were to confess your feelings to someone you've had a few dates with...then that would be afc and creepy.

but this was a friend. And eventually things like this will happen...and if she didnt feel the same id bet ud walk away from teh friendship

 

[rgeere]

Glad to see some DJs posting some good insight ... I concur and congratulations ...

Everyone else should go and read this article, especially if you are AFC and don't understand why this worked you need to read this article.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=67693

 

[CherryBreaker]

re:

Enjoy it while it last cuz it ain't gonna last long once her feelings of finally conquering you after all that anticipation is over.

It happened to my female friend and she broke up with him after one week.

What you should have done was take it a step further by being more aggressive such as suggesting dinner. Girls think dinner is more of a true date where the intentions of hopefully starting a relationship begins. You should have done this rather than just lay your heart out. Not the DJ way to behave.

 

[rgeere]

Cherrybreak does bring up a good point, and there are girls like this. They're often young and inexperienced themselves. If this girl is more mature than that it would increase the chances of this working out.

 

[Jariel]

Thanks for the varied insights and opinions.

Another contradiction to certain "rules" is the fact that I have been in contact with this girl on a daily basis for 3 weeks and have shared many phone and text message conversations. What's more, these have not been at all sexual.

She did think I was a player and I believe I overcame her trust issues when I revealed my feelings. However, it's likely that C+F, social proof, kino, neg hits and building a deep rapport have all played a part in winning her affection in the first place.

Anyway, I'll just play it from here, see what happens and report my experience to the board in time to come.

 

[AverageFC]

rgeere-

although, i've seen many times where a woman and man are friends, and the woman happens to have "feelings" for the man. How is that, if theyre friends?

 

[rgeere]

Originally posted by AverageFC
rgeere-

although, i've seen many times where a woman and man are friends, and the woman happens to have "feelings" for the man. How is that, if theyre friends?

It all goes down to the way that men and women are made. Women want safety and security more than they want sex, men want sex more than they want safety and security. When you get a guy and a girl who are willing to share what they have with each other on a basis of trust, games and manipulation are seen for what they really are, immature. Thenm, two people are able to share what they have without fear of losing to the other.

Most men learn to be players because they are afraid of getting hurt, and see rejection where it doesn't exist. Being friends with someone of the opposite sex doesn't always mean that you have been rejected, as is jariel's case.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Originally posted by Jariel
I had just been LJBF'd, so with nothing left to lose I decided to open up and tell her how I really feel, how I can't stop thinking about her, about how much I enjoy her company and how much I look forward to seeing her.

I can´t believe you said that!

 

[belividere]

I think it is really easy for people on this board to forget that AFC's can still get girls. I have done this same thing before and it worked. Most of my friends in LTR's have also done the same thing.

It sounds like you had nothing to lose in your situation anyways. She was befriending you and you would have still had oneitis. Instead of sitting around wanting her you straight up said how you felt. Worst case she would have just said that isn't how she felt and you wouldn't have been friends. I think what you did was a good call.

 

[AMF]

My opinion:

You've "forced" things between you and her to develop quicker than they would naturally have done.

Now, you must be careful because although the girl is apparently equally smitten with you (and indeed, she might well be) you may still have "lost" a certain something in her eyes. That certain something is your challenge, your mystery and at bottom, your power. So, from here on it depends on this girl's true self-esteem.

Let me explain.

If she is genuinely happy with herself, it is likely a large part of her attraction to you is based on RESPECT - the respect you earnt by communicating your value through being a challenge and staying in control of your emotions. She will put much value in a man that is like herself - in control.

Alternatively, if she is anyway "needy" - as many, many girls are deep down - your "loss of control" and confession of your emotions will have aligned you better as a couple.

Girls of this sort - and I have to say I think this is the VAST majority of girls - respond initially to such confession and emotional vulnerability because it is - quite simply - what they need at the particular time: a reassurance, an ego-boost, some flattery.

Ultimately, though; strong relationships and commitments are not built on such temporary "rushes", and that is why the earning and maintenance of her RESPECT - yes, through many of the things this site teaches - is vital.

This is how complimentarity works as a natural guide for relationship success: it is hard to hide your true self for long, as youve found out.

The emotionally vulnerable need the emotionally vulnerable.

The strong need the strong.