LTR is acting up. What should I do?

[jnice48146]

Okay fellas, here's the deal. I've been with this chick for about 9 months, we're exclusive, and she claims she loves me (she said it to me 1st). On thanksgiving she totally blew me off and gave me some half ****ed excuse. No problem as we didn't have plans, and I had family coming over. But on Xmas, we were supposed to at least spend the night together. She knew I would be home, alone, after Noon. She had her family thing in the morning, then I thought she'd call. She did....... at almost 9 pm. Then she tells me that she just spent the last 3+ hours at a spontaneous dinner with a coworker that called out of the blue. Then starts telling me how she's gonna have to leave early for work in the morning and making it sound like she wants no part of seeing me.

I ended the call with her then texted her and called her on her BS. No reply. She called me at Noon the next day and I told her that I would not be speaking to her until Thursday when she gets back into town ( away for work, Flight Attendant) and that in that time she needs to evaluate just how important I am to her, because I'm not going to put up with this, and if she doesn't shape up, I'll be gone.

Thoughts, Opinions, Suggestions? Thanks, DJs.

 

[AAAgent]

sounds pretty suspicious. Just hold your ground and don't contact her until like 3-4 days after you said you would or until she contacts u after thursday. Make her wait. Make her put in effort and when you finally think you're ready to talk to her then make her tell you what she did that night.

Don't argue, just sit there silently until she spits it out. If she even mentions that she was with a male of any sort just leave her man. It won't be worth it.

Once a cheater always a cheater or atleast it's better to think that way as to not waste time.

 

[Igetit!]

But on Xmas, we were supposed to at least spend the night together. She knew I would be home, alone, after Noon. She had her family thing in the morning, then I thought she'd call. She did....... at almost 9 pm. Then she tells me that she just spent the last 3+ hours at a spontaneous dinner with a coworker that called out of the blue.

So you two had plans to spend the night with one another,but instead,she hung out a last second invite,for 3 hours,with a co-worker?


And she blew you off during Thanksgiving too.


And in addition to all that,this...

Then starts telling me how she's gonna have to leave early for work in the morning and making it sound like she wants no part of seeing me.

Yeah,seems like her interest is declining. That's the bad news.

The good news is that if there's ANY INTEREST still left,any at all,this can be turned around.

I ended the call with her then texted her and called her on her BS. No reply. She called me at Noon the next day and I told her that I would not be speaking to her until Thursday when she gets back into town ( away for work, Flight Attendant) and that in that time she needs to evaluate just how important I am to her, because I'm not going to put up with this, and if she doesn't shape up, I'll be gone.

While it's good you stand up for yourself,it won't solve anything.

At the most,you'll just postpone an eventual breakup.


The thing is,it seems like her attraction level for you has dropped off.


THAT'S the problem. So you giving her an ultimatum won't work.


This is sort of like having a car,you drive and drive and drive until one day,the car stops. And the reason it stops is because it's out of gas.



So what do you do? You get angry,upset,and tell the car you won't stand for it. You tell the car to work,or else.



All your angry,threats,and ultimatum are futile.


If it ain't got gas,it ain't going nowhere...REGUARDLESS of what you say or what ultimatum you give.



That's how women are. They get with us because of the feelings/attraction WE GENERATE in them. Then as time goes on,WE stop treating them the way we did in the beginning.


I don't want to re-type this out all over again,so I'll just give you a link that'll go into more detail about what I mean.


Check this out. You don't have to read the whole thing,just skip down to reply number 14.


It should help you to get things back on track.

 

[WalkingStick]

Listen to Igetit!, he knows what he's talking about.

That is all I have for you. Best of Luck.

 

[Ease]

sounds pretty suspicious. Just hold your ground and don't contact her until like 3-4 days after you said you would or until she contacts u after thursday. Make her wait. Make her put in effort and when you finally think you're ready to talk to her then make her tell you what she did that night.

Don't argue, just sit there silently until she spits it out. If she even mentions that she was with a male of any sort just leave her man. It won't be worth it.

Once a cheater always a cheater or atleast it's better to think that way as to not waste time.

This is good.

Dont overreact, and certainly dont show her any reaction.

But sounds very suspicious, is the coworker a man or woman? I dont think you said. If its a guy, then serious issue here.

If its a girl, and just an issue of her getting flaky and losing interest, then pull back and stop calling her for a bit.

When she takes a step back from your relationship, you take two.

If its just a one-off and nothing serious, you'll gain her interest back and all will be well. But keep a record of red flags to know where you stand.

 

[Captain]

Texting her was pretty childish. Real men do not text, especially for serious matters.

 

[jnice48146]

Thanks, everybody. Now: @ AAAgent, I don't think that cheating is the issue. Of course, that it could just be that I'm blinded by emotion, but I know she has several male friends, many of which I've met.
@ Igetit This sounds like sound advice. I'll definitely be using it.
@ Captain You're absolutely right. A female friend pointed it out to me, and now so are you. That was definitely NOT a man's way of going about it. I won't make that same mistake again.

So my plan on Thursday is to just sit and let her speak, explain herself. But when I think about it, I'm keep coming to the conclusion that she is more trouble than she's worth, and that this behavior isn't gonna stop. I'm really thinking that a clean, no contact break up is needed, and maybe has been for a while. I just had alot invested in the relationship emotionally, and it was keeping me from seeing the big picture.

Thanks for the great advice DJs! Looks like I'll be newly single just in time for NYE!

 

[jophil28]

..she'd call. She did....... at almost 9 pm. Then she tells me that she just spent the last 3+ hours at a spontaneous dinner with a coworker that called out of the blue. .

Another way of putting that is that she chose to spend three hours with some random co-worker over you because this person "just called" her.
She placed a higher value on him/her than you, her B/f of 9 months.

Apart from the disrespect of you in her actions, there is the inescapable conclusion that she is now placing you lower in ranking than a co-worker.
Dude, she is taking you for granted and treating you as if you are in the FZ..and that is where you are headed unless you stop the rot.
Giving her an ultimatum (in this situation) was the wrong move. It signaled your fear of losing her, panic and desperation on your part, which might have driven her IL even lower.

 

[zekko]

I agree that the ultimatum was the wrong move. The question is what would the right move have been, and what approach should be taken now?

I also agree that being blown off for a coworker is a serious disrespect. I can't help but wonder if this is a male coworker. You say she has several male friends which is a red flag.

The relationship sounds kind of dead to me. I'm not saying you should absolutely cut it off with her (although that may not be a bad move). But I would start looking for a few new options at least, because things appear to be going downhill fast.

 

[jnice48146]

Another spot on interpretation, jophil28! I can see that the ultimatum did the opposite of what it was intended to do: let her know that I don't HAVE or NEED to be with her, I want to but I will walk. What would have been a better way to convey this?

 

[jnice48146]

Zekko, so if I don't cut it off completely do I LJBF her, or say nothing and just fade into the background andd wait for her to reach out?

 

[jophil28]

Zekko, so if I don't cut it off completely do I LJBF her, or say nothing and just fade into the background andd wait for her to reach out?

You know what I think ?

IF a woman is so easily swayed by a co-worker when she had plans with you(at least tentative ones) then her flaking on you is a clear statement of the value that she places on her relationship with you.

Would you have done what she did if you were in her position?

What kind of "co-worker" would be able to tempt you away from your g/f?

Unfortunately, your options here are rather limited and probably very unappealing.

1. Walk away and go No Contact
2. Have "a talk" about your relationship- these rarely work because they are usually a last resort.
3. Rant and rave at her about her thoughtlessness- this rant will be retold many times during numerous lunches with her Girls. You will be portrayed as a crazy B/f who is "possessive and controlling..".
4.Keep her around while slowly withdrawing as you start to date other women.
5. Stick her in the FZ and go get some new pvzzy.
6. Just put up with her behavior and cross your fingers.

Choose one of the above.

 

[jnice48146]

Well jophil28, I'm thinking option 2 is inevitable. From there options 5,1,4 are the best for me in that order. Which option will depend on how she reacts during the impending "talk". Fortunately I've got a couple of plates spinning that I started after the Thanksgiving blow-off. I think I've known this is coming, I just didn't want to see it for what is was due to the high level of emotional investment. I really like this girl, but I know that I deserve better than what she's dishing out. If she can't see it, she'll be gone, and I'll be back out in the field, and looking for a wing! ;-)

 

[Ease]

I hope you arent planning on 'having a talk about your relationship' with her.

If you're going to call out the situation, then call it out like a man.

'Why did you go out with someone else when we had plans, what the **** is that supposed to mean?'

Then shut up, look tough, and see what she says. Update with what happens, im interested.

 

[jnice48146]

That's the plan, Ease. I'm really leaning towards the clean, NC break up the more I think about it, but I do want to hear what she has to say for herself regardless. I'll for sure do a follow up on this post once we talk on Thursday. I know she's a stubborn *****, so I doubt I'll hear from her before then. If she does try to contact me, I'm thinking I should ignore her and stand my ground until Thursday so she can see that I mean what I say, and I have the strength and conviction to carry through with it.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

My last LTR ended this way. Except it took mine 5 years to get to that point, 9 months?

Anyway, if I could do it over again, I wouldn't have said anything to her at all when sh!t started going south. Give this girl a xmas present she won't forget, ride away like some unfathomable cowboy staying tight to the eastern edge of a storm front...

The greatest revenge of an ex is not to live well, if you were a pvssy she'll remember you as such even if you become Dictator Perpetuus The greatest revenge of an ex is to live on inside her head. If you stick around and act like a big pvssy, it will accomplish nothing except embarrassing yourself down the road.

So be that guy who came and went like a dream...don't interrogate her and go AFC now, it doesn't matter if she's cheating on you or not anyway...that she would rather be with a CO-WORKER on christmas night, and to tell you so, is akin to taking a piss in your face...btw, the co-worker story sounds skeezy as hell...

So no frustration, no interrogations, NO AFCNESS this time! I want to see a guy get it right the first time.

 

[TheCzar]

I agree with the last two posts "no closure". Once you have that conversation you've let her read the last page of the book. You want to be a book with the final page torn out. Seriously, it's the only way that she'll question her own actions.

Here's a different way to think about it. Remember something from a long time ago that's stuck in your head in regards to another person. Do you remember the words?? No, you mostly remember the actions and the subsequent feelings. If anything, the words take away from the memory....

TC

 

[jophil28]

Yes, Danger and Julius are speaking truth.
THis relationship is damaged beyond repair, but I have a strong suspicion that the OP will still try to "fix" it by 'talking' to her Thursday. That will send her the message that he is willing to continue to negotiate a solution to their difficulties AFTER she has treated him like he counted for nothing.

This is the trap of "talking things out" ..It is usually the last stop before you arrive at the crash site, and it also gives the wrongdoer more power because it tells her that you are so desperate that you will stick around after poor treatment.

 

[jnice48146]

So, going NC seems to be the concensus, and I've been leaning that way. My mind is made up. Thursday the deal goes down, and I'll be letting everyone know just how it went. Any DJs in the metro Detroit area wanna go out and sarge?

 

[WhitePimp]

So, going NC seems to be the concensus, and I've been leaning that way. My mind is made up. Thursday the deal goes down, and I'll be letting everyone know just how it went. Any DJs in the metro Detroit area wanna go out and sarge?

The deal is supposed to go down RIGHT NOW, not Thursday. That's the point of NC - not to plan your epic parting statement (which all the planning in the world will never result the way you want it to) and then disappear. Just fvcking exit her life immediately. A barrage of texts and phone calls will ensue because she needs her fix and her dealer is no longer available. Respond noncommittally after a few days of NC and blow her off when she asks to meet up. You have an amazing opportunity to mind-fvck this girl into submission and by doing anything other than swift and brutal No Contact, you will ruin it.