LTR GF playing some confusing game

[Harare]

Hello everyone. I ll try to be briefest as possible with my situation.

I m in relationship with this girl for 3 years. We had ups, and downs, i became a little too soft with her in time. So we had break initiated by her at summer. 4 months full NC, she contacted me and literally begged me to take her back. After some time I did.

So, honeymoon lasted for a month. Then she got extra job, and started pulling away. At first I was patient with it, but after a while we had a talk. I simply asked her to make some room in life for me. She drifted away further. After couple of weeks I had another conversation with her. I directly asked her if she is having second thoughts and if she wants break up. She looked quite unconfortable but said that she doesnt want us to break. But she drifted away even further.

So i did my last attempt: asked her for a dinner... She accepted but then canceled it (beacuse of work she said)... Then I pulled back completely. after few days on NC she asked me to lunch. I accepted but she cancaled it again... I said ok, and NC-ing again.


Now the most confusing part for me... When I m logged on Gtalk she is not there (she is there but invisible, dont ask me how i know ) When i m invisible for couple of days, she is constantly online (AND NOT TALKING TO ANYONE - again, dont ask me how i know). So then i appear online, we are not talking, and after a while she dissapper. In person we havent see each other in 3 weeks (and its not like we live on different sides of world.)

I mean WTF, i feel like playing some elementary school game... (I m 27 she is 24)
I know that most people will ask me why i m keeping up with this ****, but for some reason I really love her more then i loved anyone before her.

So does anyone have similar experience or explanation for this kind of ****. Really could use some advice. Thanks

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

A girl should never put work in front of her man if it is a serious relationship (over a year). I understand if the relationship was under a year but 3 years? Thats crazy.

Actions speak louder then words and actions say that she doesn't want you.

 

[betheman]

its over

 

[Harare]

Yes, i m quite aware that it is going that way and there is nothing i can do to stop it if it is going to happen.

I dont want to loose her but i m quite prepared for it and it will be far from end of the world for me.

But i would like some advice how to handle this situation...

a) Simply continue NC and wait for her to finally do some talking

b) Try to initiate conversation once again and calmly ask her if she wants to end things...

In my past relationships i was both dumper and dumpee...

And every time I was dumper, they were gone for good
Every time I was dumpee, after some time they come back chasing me, begging me etc. witch actually feels quite good even if I don t have any intention to take them back.

 

[TheBigShow]

If your prepared to lose her and its not the end of the world then I'd be asking your motives for holding on. I've been in a long relationship that made me feel like you...I have to when I finally broke it off I've never felt so free...

When it comes down to it, being nice about it dosent soften the blow...if anything it will let her think there's still a chance. If its over in your eyes maybe give her a few hints in the days leading up to it. Then make sure all your **** is sorted and make the cut. It will hurt but better than flogging a dead horse...

 

[Kbomb]

Yeah, its done holmes.
She is f^cking another dude.

It sucks bad but you got move on.

 

[Harare]

Well, i m prepared but it doesnt men i WANT to lose her. If I could see any way to change course of events i would do anything without any hesitation. But so far, everything I did (and i think I did it in respectful non-clingy) way pushed her further away.

So now I let ball in her court. If she contact me and say that she sorted her stuff in head and that she is aware that she is acting messed up, i will gladly continue relationship and try to keep her happy as i can.

If she wants to break things off, it is ok... It is not what i want but of course it is out of my control, so lets life keep going...

But if she wants to manipulate me to break things off, just so she wont have that burden on her, and make look her bad... Well thats the pleasure i wont give her because I m not the one who is pulling away. She begged for 2nd chance,and I gave it to her wholeheartedly. Both mine and her friends respected me for that. If she wants to blow it again, let her be but i will not help her with that.

And btw. does anyone have any idea about that Gtalk part... because it is quite confusing for me.

 

[Atom Smasher]

OP, this relationship is over. There is absolutely zero chance of long-term reconcilliation.

Once a girls gets in that mode she has already left you emotionally and closed the door. She only plays the part for a while after that in order to make the disintegration as painless TO HER as possible.

You are now set up to be dumped. You need to make a pre-emptive strike, tell her dispassionately that she is not living up to your expectations, and leave. Do not discuss anything with her. She will turn everything around on you.Go absolute NC and do not bend. Do not weaken. You need to unleash a world of hurt on her in order to bring her back to reality. That may sound mean, but it is not. The fact is that women's behavior is adjusted by one means only - the application or removal of attention.

They do not understand reational discussion. They do not understand YOUR emotions. Every discussion you try to have with her will degenerate into the fact that "you're not being nice".

A man must NEVER allow himself to be dumped. You are fortunate that you have a whole lot of signs literally screaming that the axe is about to fall on your neck. Don't allow this. Your relationship is dead. Bury it and don't sleep for several more months with its rotting carcass.

 

[Trump]

Hello everyone. I ll try to be briefest as possible with my situation.

I m in relationship with this girl for 3 years. We had ups, and downs, i became a little too soft with her in time. So we had break initiated by her at summer. 4 months full NC, she contacted me and literally begged me to take her back. After some time I did.

Never understand breaks. "We have to break up because I have to get my head together and see what else is out there for me, but you can't meet anyone, sleep with other girls or do anything while I'm figuring things out." What the hell.

I mean WTF, i feel like playing some elementary school game... (I m 27 she is 24)
I know that most people will ask me why i m keeping up with this ****, but for some reason I really love her more then i loved anyone before her.

So does anyone have similar experience or explanation for this kind of ****. Really could use some advice. Thanks

I used to be the same way, I was totally in love with this girl. Then I realized she didn't care if another girl had sex with me or if I was dead. I was making myself vulnerable and desperate with her all the while she was going out and working on her image and brand to make more connections and meeting people.

She's doing this because she can. I would disconnect, and bro, be careful about the love thing, it will make you do and say dumb things.

 

[Igetit!]

If I could see any way to change course of events i would do anything without any hesitation.

Well don't worry about this. Your situation has come up THOUSANDS of times here,you'll get a plan of action. Course there's no guarantees,but IT WILL be something different than you've already tried.

But so far, everything I did (and i think I did it in respectful non-clingy) way pushed her further away.

Well...you're partly right on this. What you tried did push her farther away,but it WASN'T "non-clingy". You made a few mistakes in how you dealt with her,which I saw in your original post.

You can correct them and see what happens.

So now I let ball in her court. If she contact me and say that she sorted her stuff in head and that she is aware that she is acting messed up, i will gladly continue relationship and try to keep her happy as i can.

This ain't gonna happen. She might contact you,but the whole "sorting stuff in her head",so you two can get back together....no. There's an underlying cause here that's not being addressed. THAT'S WHY things fell apart when you two tried to get back together after being apart for those 4 months.


Things seemed fine at first,then after a few weeks,everything went right back to sh1t,didn't it.


Let's say you have a car that has some sort of problem. You take the car somewhere and leave it for 4 months. Nothing's being done to it,nobody's looking under the hood,nobody's trying to fix it,you just left it somewhere,had zero contact with it for 4 months.



Now...when you go back to it four months later,what do you think will have happened? You think it'll be fixed? You think the problem will somehow have "magically" disappeared? All you did was go away from it for four months,then come back. Why would the fact that you were away from it for 4 month suddenly cause it to start working now?


That's what happened here. There was some type of problem in your relationship,you two separated for 4 months,then when you got back together,the original problem that caused you two to split in the first place was right there waiting for you. It was never addressed to began with.


From everything you said,it seems to me that the problem is her attraction for you is low. There may be something else,but at the moment,that's all I see. The good news is that this can be fixed....EASILY.

The bad new is you have to have some sort of contact with her in order to fix it. And if she's constantly flaking and blowing you off,makes it kinda hard to raise her IL back up. Plus,you can't be calling or texting her first to do anything.



There's 2 threads I know of that should be able to help you out. The first one is in my signature,just click the word "THIS!" at the bottom of this reply.

It's broken down into steps. You have to follow it as best you can,ESPECIALLY step #3. Start the NC up again,but this time,follow the info there.


The second thread is this one here.......http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=156533

You don't have to read the whole thing,just skip down to reply #14. If the problem is low attraction,this should help you out.


Now....if she's seeing another dude,then NONE OF THIS is going to work. But if it's just low attraction,I say there's still some hope.



The first thread deals with flaking,while the second addresses what's most likely the root problem in the relationship. Give that a try and see what happens.

 

[Tiguere]

Listen to igetit. Hes a veteran. You are being delusional right now.

 

[DonJuanabe]

The biggest problem you face is not the girl, it's yourself. You see, you keep saying you don't want to lose her -- as if you might lose her in the future. That's just not the situation -- you've ALREADY lost her. Emotionally she is GONE.

Does that make sense? It needs to because you are wasting your time and energy while ignoring reality.

 

[floydb25]

Explanation / theory: She's a selfish, controlling ***** who treats you like **** because you allow it; you allow it because you're a submissive nice guy with low self esteem and approval-seeking tendencies. That's how *****es and nice guys attract and seek after each other.

Notice how everything is about her, and whenever YOU want something - she not only doesn't give it to you, but literally goes in the opposite direction. Almost like she wants to see you suffer, and having you under her whim - knowing you'll keep coming back for more.

She likely gets off on not giving what you want, holding all the cards, twisting and turning you as she sees fit, coming and going as she pleases, and treating you like dog****. This is how controlling, ABUSIVE people operate, and they seek after your type on purpose. But at the end of the day, you're the one allowing it to happen. So, that needs to stop.

People generally treat you as you allow them to, care only about themselves, and will get away with anything they can. Don't ever assume otherwise. And don't be the nice guy for anybody, or expect reciprocation, fairness, sympathy, and understanding from people - even if they complain about the same thing. There's a lot of selfish *******s there - who WILL treat you like **** for being nice and submissive - only to complain and blame you when you don't allow it to continue. As well as making it seem like it's your problem in the first place

 

[Harare]

@Igetit

Thanks alot for your advice, and I really believe it is worth a shot...So basicly i stick to your plan except in my situation i have to wait for her to initiate contact and she try to arrange meeting.

@everyone

Yes i can see your point and basicly i feel the same. And yes I can understand that you may see me as afc and oneitis syndrome.

And yes maybe excuse just any else you heard before.

But simply it would be against me to give up without any fight. Yes, I m aware that most propably she lost interest in me. And yes, i believe that most propably I m cause for it...

but well... There is plenty of gils that i can get laid with... some even hotter then her...the bigshow asked for my motives to keep her if I m prepared to lose her...

I grew up in war-zone (not emotional,family etc. war-zone but real one), so I propably had enough losses in my life to get used to it and to find out that you can recover from it in time... I had quite a number of girls and relationships in my life, but actually never had THAT feeling about them... This is why I believe that this is something worth fighting for... Yes, I know that maybe I m flogging dead horse, but I think that if I didnt try to get him back to life I woukd have second- thoughts for a long time.

If it helps him to get back to life, I ll be happiest person on earth... If not, i ll simply bury the dead and get on with my life (because life forced me to learn to do that)...

Maybe it would be the smartest thing to end this and dump her before she dumps me to keep my ego... And, i m aware that she is certanly not the last girl that can provide me that feeling that i have for her at the moment...

But i really belive when I say: No girl, or person, can diminish my ego and self respect, no matter who dumps who, but i truly believe that some people and relationships are worth fighting for, no matter the outcome.

Dunno, if you find this AFC, and beta thinking but simply... well dunno, this was just my 2 cents

 

[zekko]

A man must NEVER allow himself to be dumped.

That's an interesting philosophy. Why do you say that? Seems to me it's a part of life, and could be hard to avoid.

Although I agree with your assessment of the OP's situation: Tell her she's not living up to expectations and cut her off, dispassionately. Also, I have found that these second attempts at relationships that have already failed are a waste of time.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I'm not going to engage in a philospohical debate, but I will briefly answer your question. When the handwriting is on the wall, the woman has emotionally left the relationship months ago. She has come to terms with it and has done most of her grieving in-relationship, before she starts to sabatoge it.

She has already ejected. When a man loves a woman and she ejects after having months of prep time, he is devastated. She has already vented with her friends, and usually has the same resource available in the future to get it out of her system and move on. The man pretty much deals with it alone and is often devastated.

It is important for a man to recognize when a woman has checked out and perform a preemptive strike in order to retain his self-respect and emotional health.

There is no reason under that sun that a man should ever be dumped. A woman should be regarded as a guest who you allow into your world, and if she displays signs of pending ejection she should be summarily ejected by the man.

This requires awareness of the ongoing dynamics and an understanding that women are to be an adjunct to a man's life and never the primary focus. When she shows that she is no longer an adjunct, she should be handed her walking papers or she WILL release Armaggedon in your life.

 

[casaanova]

You don't have a relationship dude, you're just the boyfriend on paper
Break up with her while you still have a chance, because truth be told it's only a matter of time before she comes clean with everything she's doing on the side (after she kicks you to the curb)

 

[zekko]

This requires awareness of the ongoing dynamics and an understanding that women are to be an adjunct to a man's life and never the primary focus. When she shows that she is no longer an adjunct, she should be handed her walking papers or she WILL release Armaggedon in your life.

Well, I pretty much agree with what you're saying.

When you say "A man must NEVER allow himself to be dumped" though, I don't know, that kind of disturbs me. It makes it sound like if a girl rejects him, it's his fault, he's a loser, or he isn't living up to a high enough level of manhood somehow. I suppose the Ultimate Alpha Male would never get dumped, so maybe you're right in some way. I think Backbreaker has said something similar. That if a girl dumps you, you're responsible, because you're not "all that" enough. But you can't always help where you are on your journey.

But check this out. Toward the end of my marriage, I knew my wife was plotting to divorce me. I guess I could have had gone for the preemptive divorce strike on her. But it was important to me to fulfill my obligations to the vow I had taken. In other words, I knew I could live without my marriage, but I wasn't going to allow it to be destroyed by my hand, if you know what I mean. I tried my best to keep it together, even though I knew deep down it was futile.

Perhaps that makes me a huge AFC by this forum's standards. I was divorced long before I found the community. Maybe I would feel different about it now, who knows? But what was most important to me, my conscience is clear regarding my marriage. I knew I gave it my best shot. It was her choice to end it. My conscience is clear.

 

[Atom Smasher]

No, a girl can reject a man with it being entirely her fault, no fault of the man at all. In fact, this is usually the case where a woman gets bored with a decent, hard working husband because all the media she exposes herself to constantly tells her she's missing out on an exciting life. There are many other reasons why a girl will leave and it not being the man's fault.

As to your own situation, I think it's admirable what you did. My expressed thoughts in this thread are geared toward the boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic. I know precisely what you are saying and I assign the same sanctity to vows.

You probably would have handled things a little differently nowadays, or perhaps it wouldn't have even gotten to that point had you known then what you know now, but as you well know looking back on past choices/behaviors and regretting them is an illusion because we all did the best we could in our pasts, given the knowledge that we then possessed.

Hat's off to you, Zekko, because I'm a man who values vows as sacred.