LTR break advice

[Lion]

I broke up with my gf of nearly 3 years. I told her something I thought I would not.
Last night we went food shopping, cooked, ate with her family and watched a brilliant movie - Gran Torino! Clint Eastwood did a grand job.

Then we went to bed. This is where she feels something is not right from earlier today. We had a disagreement in the supermarket about something I can't remember.
Anyway, I told her that I really care about her and that my feelings for her are not as strong as they once were. She took it in a mature and loving way, told me that I am the best bf ever, that our 2+ years have been amazing and that she'll miss me a lot. I concur and we both hold each other reminiscing about our relationship. I am smiling the whole time as we verbally commend each other lol

Then we decide it's best that I leave so she drives me home at 3am, we can barely say anything and then she does something AMAZING.

She hands me my birthday present - in advance of August. She says she wants me to take it, go with a friend. It's a flying lesson! I feel overwhelmed with emotion and kiss her goodbye. We have this last kiss and then I go. She bursts into tears and drives home.

I got to bed feeling OK but don't get any sleep and begin to regret breaking up.
She is a talented, intelligent and caring girl.


Background:

I've been feeling like I'm signed away to this girl for the last few months- even though she is not overbearing, quite the opposite. She even gets worried that she is annoying me.

I've been feeling like I want to be single for a while, maybe learn more about myself, go visit relations in other countries and date other girls.

I feel like I can find someone more attractive. The thing is it's not always been about her looks, more her persona and attitude to life.

She is cute and her face lights up when she smiles and looks at me. When she looks at other people I don't find her as attractive.


Now I am writing this post, last night I thought I'd not need to do this.
Feel free to check my older posts on some more background.


P.S. She has just txt me- paraphrase "I wish it was a bad dream but I'm awake, I don't know what to do with myself, hope you're ok, sorry I got so upset"

 

[drak_ool]

a man stands by his decisions, I'll just leave it at that. If you've made up your mind to end it with this chick, there's no reason to double guess yourself now. Obviously, it seems like this was not a quick decision you took based on a whim. You've been thinking about it for months!

If you don't think you can deal with her as a friend/FB or whatever she is to you now, then go no contact on her.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't have a loving, affectionate girlfriend and be single too. For better or for worst, you've made your choice, now is the time to look at the future, not the past, there's a sea of women waiting for you, get your fishing boat ready!

 

[KontrollerX]

Drak ool said it.

If you try to go back with her she may at first accept it with open arms but usually in these situations a growing resentment sets in on the dumped person's part and eventually that unconscious need to pay back the insult of you having dumped them comes to the surface then they get their revenge and you feel like a fvcking fool and a chump and realize how stupid you were not to stick with your decisions like a man in the first place.

Also remember you've been with her exclusively for two years it is a big loss for you to deal with and you have to remember you did not come to the decision to dump her lightly.

Your feelings told you the truth about the situation.

You need to fvck other girls and have many more experiences as thats what you personally need to feel satisfied with your life and that is fine.

Even if you go back with her and she doesn't resent you and dump you for it you may come to resent her and dump her again and bring pain onto yourself and her a second time over again which isn't fair to you or her.

Its time to move on brother and accept it.

Its your decision and the grief and loss you feel now are ok and natural.

They will pass with time and quicker as you focus on your goals that drew you apart from her in the first place.

 

[Lion]

Hi guys, thanks for your advice - I see where you're coming from.

I feel beside myself, like I should have made it clear to her that I wanted some time out - a few weeks or so.

I don't want to start seeing anyone right now. Sure theres a temporary feeling of freedom but I feel like there is so much in the world to see and explore and I want to do it with her. The companionship.

Maybe in a few days I will read this and feel different. All this and the Wimbledon final to add to the rollercoaster of emotions!

 

[Interceptor]

Why arent your feelings for her as strong as they once were?

Have you been able to pinpoint what it is about her??

And what is it exactly that she has demonstrably and tangibly done to somehow hold you back?


If you dont know the answers to these questions, it would be helpful to find out.

If youre feeling doubtful, you probably did not really think this through. Because there is a Conflict hapening now. And its between your NEEDS and your WANTS.
And when we feel that , it means we are being INCONGRUENT.

And it gets bad when we dont really KNOW what our Needs are, and are still kind of vague about our Wants as well.
Sometimes, we dont think we have solutions to our challenges.

If we have only one option, we are Slaves.
If we have two, we have a Dilemma.
If we have three or more, we have Abundance.

Perhaps you guys have just stopped doing fun stuff together.
I recall Tony Robbins saying something to the effect of :

"I hate it when people say "Life is so boring" or "My life is so boring". And I say, NO, YOU'RE BORING!!! "


I found that very interesting. And I still think about that concept often.


Perhaps you two never really became realy bonded and intimate with each other. Maybe the superficialness of the relationship has surfaced and there nothing beneath the surface.

You know, we talk about being the MAN here a LOT.
We say, "Men HAVE to LEAD!". Women lust after the leaders, they need Masculine men who have strong leadership qualities.
Its our mantra.
Men lead the relationship.
They choose and steer the course.
Right?








OK, then. So what happens when we dont follow our own advice?










If we want a good fulfilling relatonship its what we put in it that comes back out of it.
And LTRs are not about "How much can she give me?". Its not all about take, take, take....

Just some things to think about that may clear some things up.

Good luck.

 

[Lion]

Why arent your feelings for her as strong as they once were?

She looks better than ever. She's been going to the gym many times a week, toned up and she has become more comfortable within herself

BUT I don't feel as visually sexually attracted to her, maybe my taste has changed, when I compare what I see in the club, in the shopping mall I think I want to try that! Is it fantasizing or is it what I really want?
I have improved my physique and confidence. I feel like I could be with someone more physically attractive.

Importantly, she has confessed her love for me and expressed her wishes to be with me in the future.
She has asked me if I want to move in together, I declined.
When I told her how I felt that night, she said that she would like me in her life whatever happens in the future.

Have you been able to pinpoint what it is about her??

-Visually, her body is not what I'd immediately be attracted to, she is more cute than sexy.
-Socially when we are with friends I feel like she is projecting a side to herself that I do not find attractive. When there are other girls around who could be perceived as hot, she gives off signs of insecurity.

And what is it exactly that she has demonstrably and tangibly done to somehow hold you back?

It is my own actions that enable me to do things. There is nothing I can pinpoint right now.

If you dont know the answers to these questions, it would be helpful to find out.




If youre feeling doubtful, you probably did not really think this through. Because there is a Conflict hapening now. And

its between your NEEDS and your WANTS.
And when we feel that , it means we are being INCONGRUENT.

And it gets bad when we dont really KNOW what our Needs are, and are still kind of vague about our Wants as well.
Sometimes, we dont think we have solutions to our challenges.

If we have only one option, we are Slaves.
If we have two, we have a Dilemma.
If we have three or more, we have Abundance.

Perhaps you guys have just stopped doing fun stuff together.
I recall Tony Robbins saying something to the effect of :

"I hate it when people say "Life is so boring" or "My life is so boring". And I say, NO, YOU'RE BORING!!! "


I found that very interesting. And I still think about that concept often.

Definitely, I have not booked a holiday with her, she has been trying to organised activities for us. I have not consciously made the effort to see her.

Perhaps you two never really became realy bonded and intimate with each other. Maybe the superficialness of the

relationship has surfaced and there nothing beneath the surface.

We definitely became bonded and intimate. I value this highly and am content with our companionship.
I would not choose to be with her if her personality was not so brilliant.

You know, we talk about being the MAN here a LOT.
We say, "Men HAVE to LEAD!". Women lust after the leaders, they need Masculine men who have strong

leadership qualities.
Its our mantra.
Men lead the relationship.
They choose and steer the course.
Right?

I have lost my leadership since being in a road accident last month. I think about it every day. I was hit by a car. I have not taken any action against the third party, maybe because I am a pvssy or maybe I think it was partly my fault. The problem is- I was knocked out and cannot remember. It bugs me every day.

She was there every day helping me get better. Her dad has even given me a job whilst I recover and it will lead to something permenant with him or by reference.

I need to take charge once again.

Also when we first started going out I cut off my main group of "friends" for good reasons, they were into drugs and had no ambition.
Now I have a handful of people I would consider friends, and most of them are mutual friends of my LTR so this is going to be interesting.

OK, then. So what happens when we dont follow our own advice?










If we want a good fulfilling relatonship its what we put in it that comes back out of it.
And LTRs are not about "How much can she give me?". Its not all about take, take, take....

Just some things to think about that may clear some things up.

Good luck.

I agree, I have become complacent. I will use this time out to rebuild my own life.

I have one career option right now, I need to proactively decide on what I want to specialise in and make it my own.

 

[Lion]

Guys, I am feeling good overall as I've just been working hard and had a good gym session today, great dinner etc.

BUT I still have strong feelings for my ex.

We have met up I think 3 times since (mutual except for one time she came round and gave me BJ). She's basically told me she loves me and always will and wants me to be happy etc. She's very perceptive and intelligent and recognises that because I told her "my feelings aren't as strong as they were", I would not be happy with her right now.

She wants to get over me but can't etc. deleted facebook, told me she will not contact me from now on except for my birthday coming up. She's going on holiday with her family for some self reflection.

She dropped this on Friday - I love you, want to be with you for the rest of my life but I know I can't, but if you ever feel the same way I'm right here, don't let your pride get in the way, please just tell me, it could be years from now, because if this is true love then I don't want to lose this.

I feel like I have made a mistake and I feel like I love her, but I have chosen not to tell her this. I love her but how can I be in love with her right now? I don't see her, we are a negative thing right now. Everything dissappeared when we held each other for a few minutes. All the pain went away.

Ex-gf: I know that I could rip your clothes off right now and things would get easier but is this good for us? It would be a pseudo-relationship. Is the easy way out the best way forward?

I could have given in and fought for her but I choose to let her do the talking.

I told her I believe a gf is supposed to enhance my life. I told her I feel like I can live without her. She says she cannot live without me and that is the difference. She joked that she "took all the love, leaving none for me haha". I said that I do not want to hurt her and that is the reason why I was open about my feelings for her.

I feel like I've dropped a bomb and the situation has gone too far.
I know that I'd be happy with her, very content. So why have I done this, and what now?

 

[sodbuster]

Men can cuss, so can women. Men can shout,so can women. Women can cry,men can't-in many cases, it's their ace in the hole to win arguements. Learn to deal with it, or you'll be guilted into marriage,kids etc.

 

[KontrollerX]

"BUT I still have strong feelings for my ex."

Thats because you won't do the right thing that ALL men are supposed to do when they make a decision and that is...

Follow through.

When you break up with someone thats it.

Done.

No going back for comfort sex, staying in contact or any of that.

To move on means to move on.

No contact.

Until you do that and get over the pain by yourself you will never move on and she will eventually guilt you back into a relationship with her and then dump your ass when the time is right and you are most vulnerable.

And then you'll feel like a horse's ass.

"She wants to get over me but can't etc. deleted facebook, told me she will not contact me from now on except for my birthday coming up. She's going on holiday with her family for some self reflection."

Had she been the one to decide to break up with you because she wanted to sample some muscled up stud's 12 incher exactly how concerned do you think SHE would be with your feelings over that?

Do you think she'd be worrying about your feelings?

Fvck no.

She'd be riding that guy's d!ck acting all happy like nothing ever happened between you two.

So stop worrying about her feelings, deleted facebook profiles and her going on holiday.

Stop that right now.

Then completely break all contact with her for good and move on.

Thats the only way you will move forward in your life.

 

[DJDamage]

BUT I still have strong feelings for my ex.

I think the problem was that you dumped your g/f and now you have nothing to fall back on. Women handle dumping men better then men because they mostly don't have honor and respect in the end and just like a monkey on a tree swinging from branch to branch, they won't let go of one tree branch until they hang onto another.

In your case, you let go while swinging and not having been able to grasp a branch, you fell from the tree right to the ground.

Women are like jobs, sometimes if you want to quit and switch jobs, always make sure you have a couple of jobs lining up otherwise you are risking going broke and desperate and long for your old job while collecting welfare checks (jerking off).