LTR Advice

[styleman]

When on the phone to her, sometimes she receives another call, and sometimes she asks me if she can call me back, which quite annoys me.
When I explain to her that I do not like this behaviour she apologises, but I can tell she does not understand why it makes me angry or where I'm coming from.
I've tried so many ways to explain to her that if I'm not the most important thing in her life at all times, then I don't want to waste any more time on her.
All I get every time is an apology for the one thing she did at that time, and repeats of the same thing.
Guys, am at a loss as to how to change her behaviour... any ideas???

P.S. I know that some people may see my behaviour as controlling; well I'm the man and I control.

 

[boomerick]

Wow. This is amazing. I hate to say this but it sounds like you're training a dog not talking to a LTR girl. Wow.

 

[styleman]

Wow. This is amazing. I hate to say this but it sounds like you're training a dog not talking to a LTR girl. Wow.

Well, it sounds like being a man to me.

 

[TheCzar]

From what you say above it sounds like you are NOT in control, she is, otherwise she wouldn't still be doing it. And, as the great George Castanza once realized; sometimes you have to alter your own self and be the anti-George to get the result you want.

The problem I see from your brief summary is that you let her apologize and then your OK with it, she's trained to know that you'll get upset and cranky, she'll say "sorry baby, we'll have great sex later." and you forgive the behavior instantly. She KNOWS this.

Next time she does it, hang up, when she calls back, don't answer. Go do something else for awhile. After she tries to call you back the 3rd or 4th time, then answer. Keep doing this, she will make the emotional connection after you've done it enough to de-condition her current behavior.

Personally I don't buy into being a man means being in control, thats just a lame way of saying you don't know how to be a leader. People who are controlling are by nature controlling because they don't know how to lead.

TC

 

[handle]

I think you have a skewed perception of what being a man is.

 

[styleman]

From what you say above it sounds like you are NOT in control, she is, otherwise she wouldn't still be doing it. And, as the great George Castanza once realized; sometimes you have to alter your own self and be the anti-George to get the result you want.

The problem I see from your brief summary is that you let her apologize and then your OK with it, she's trained to know that you'll get upset and cranky, she'll say "sorry baby, we'll have great sex later." and you forgive the behavior instantly. She KNOWS this.

Next time she does it, hang up, when she calls back, don't answer. Go do something else for awhile. After she tries to call you back the 3rd or 4th time, then answer. Keep doing this, she will make the emotional connection after you've done it enough to de-condition her current behavior.

Personally I don't buy into being a man means being in control, thats just a lame way of saying you don't know how to be a leader. People who are controlling are by nature controlling because they don't know how to lead.

TC

Thanks, good advice.

And, as for not knowing how to be a leader, perhaps you're right. Those who moan that I don't know what being a man is, that this is controlling, that it sounds like training a dog, well given this situation what would you say;
I feel I have a lot of self-respect, and any girl who wants to be with me would have to make me the most important thing in her life, that is she would have to drop whatever she may be doing if I call, or tell her to be at a place at a time, clearly not abusing this power on my part of course. To this end, I understand that this would not suit many ladies, hence I hold a take it or leave it stance, the girl in question I have been with for 9 months, and I have explained my stance to her, to which she is willing to cooperate, yet she clearly does not know what it entails, so often she finds herself doing things which make me angry, and then she apologises.
I've been straight up and open to her as to what I expect, and she's not willing to let go of me. I also like her a lot; and so the only option is to make her change her behaviour, but as "TheCzar" points out, that has to be subconscious, not me outright telling her to change, because she knows she can get away with it.

 

[Iceberg]

Speak clearly and be loud and firm. You tell her that she should only speak when spoken to. And withhold treats and walks until she obeys your commands.

If she gets out of hand again, give her a good smack on the snout with a rolled up newspaper.

 

[TheCzar]

The advice I gave above is based on working it for your frame, which is a "be in control" frame. Myself, I think this will backfire for you in the long run, and you'll wind up with a woman that's way too placating and albeit boring to you in the long run. I think you have to ask yourself if the behavior is a result of you being controlling?

A leader earns respect through positive interactions and outcomes, people follow because they're experience with this person consistantly delivers rewarding experiences regardless of the time or effort invested. When you get to that point these type of issues cease to matter as the leader focuses on the bigger picture and outcomes his goals are set too.

TC

 

[Iceberg]

The advice I gave above is based on working it for your frame, which is a "be in control" frame. Myself, I think this will backfire for you in the long run, and you'll wind up with a woman that's way too placating and albeit boring to you in the long run. I think you have to ask yourself if the behavior is a result of you being controlling?

A leader earns respect through positive interactions and outcomes, people follow because they're experience with this person consistantly delivers rewarding experiences regardless of the time or effort invested. When you get to that point these type of issues cease to matter as the leader focuses on the bigger picture and outcomes his goals are set too.

TC

I agree.

I was being a sarcastic jerk with my previous response, but I seriously can't imagine how boring it would be to have a woman drop everything for me whenever I call her. I've broken up with a couple really great girls because they rolled over and did whatever I wanted. Of course you don't want a woman playing games with you, but I do believe as men we need to be challenged.

Whereas styleman wants the woman to place him as the top priority in her life, I make myself the top priority in life, and I'd like a woman who does the same. When a woman makes you her top priority, it feels like she'd let you slip into mediocrity just for the sake of keeping the relationship together. Girls like that don't have what it takes to complement your life in the sense that they'll push you when you need to be pushed. They're just happy to be along for the ride. For example: if I feel like I need to lose 10 pounds, I want a girl who's gonna say, "Let's go jogging." Not, "I love you just the way you are."

Of course, no disrespect. We all have different tastes. But if I knew that my girlfriend was going to drop everything just to convenience me in some minor way, it'd only take about 6 months of that before I'm looking for a new mountain to climb.

 

[boomerick]

This ^^^

 

[TheCzar]

iceberg, you and I are on the exact same page. It's a relationship based on mutual respect for the individual.

TC

 

[Ease]

Your not training her, you're giving a reaction to her behaviour.

She is doing this to get a reaction from you.

You train a girl with punishment. Not communication. By punishment, you withdraw your attention. Your attention is the biggest reward for her.

The way to stop this is to stop giving a reaction. When she does this, or shows a desire to do something else other than talk to you, then say GTG bye bye and hang up.

You dont give her more attention and act like a weener by showing you got upset.

 

[WalkingStick]

First off, in my opinion, it's not a big deal. I realize it may get annoying, but it doesnt sound to me like anything to freak out about. If everything else in your relationship is going well, I dont think it is a red flag.


However, if this really bothers you and is unacceptable and she continues to do it, ask yourself this: Are you willing to drop her? are you REALLY willing to let go of her over this? If this is such a blatant disrespect to you, and she continues to do it, you need to put your foot down hard. Tell her outright not to do it again. If she does, end it.


One thing you should DEFINITELY do:

Pick a side. Either dont worry about it at all or make a clear statement. You're telling her it bugs you and then letting her get away with it.