Love Stinks...

[leeman67]

Ok, Maybe Im venting, but here goes..


Im almost 41 years old. Never been married. Been on several dates. Only a few relationships. but not once, Have I ever met anyone that I had chemistry with. A Soul mate, so to speak.

4 years ago, I move to Chicago and start a new job. I meet this woman(her name is Jackie), From the very moment that I first seen her, I felt chemistry about her. even before we met, I just felt she was the one.

We get to know each other over the last few years and sure enough. We have so much in common that its erie. Definately a bond between us. The more we are around each other, the more Im sure.

One tiny problem.......

Jackie is married. Been married since graduation from highschool. I feel like life can play some pretty cruel tricks on someone. I have no doubt what so ever, that she feels the same about me as I do her.

(one of my co worker lady friends told me the other day, she knew I was in love with her).

I have never crossed a line at this point, but I would be lying to say the temptation isnt there.

Im just not sure what to do, I do have very deep feelings for her and she has indicated that back to me.

They say the worst feeling in the world is to Love someone that doesnt love you back. Im not sure if this is any better.

 

[KontrollerX]

Bad situation.

You are being played.

A DJ would just use this chick as a fvck buddy or avoid her altogether.

Since you're emotions are now involved with this cheating wh0re and she is married you will likely come out of this situation with a broken heart and a heaping helping of egg and pie all over your face.

Sorry dude but thats the way these situations tend to play out.

That or wifey does leave the husband for you only to do the same to you down the road with someone else.

You've got to understand you are not dealing with a mature human being here who loves the men she gets involved with.

This woman likes the drama and excitement that cheating brings and thats what she craves, not you. She likes the fresh new body and sordid relationship and any man of decent qualifications to her liking will do, you just happen to be the man on her radar at the moment.

So yeah getting back to whats important to you that being the love stuff.

If she ever loved her husband and was a mature human being she'd leave him when she fell out of love with him and not go behind his back and cheat like this.

She'd leave him and then go and find what she wants now.

So what she is telling you about herself with this cheating behavior is that she is selfish and immature and that means she puts herself first above other people's feelings ie those of her husband's.

Like most people who don't think about these scenarios before involving themselves in them you likely don't care about all that at the moment or at least never considered it, you are just thinking about what lies she's feeding into your ear at the moment about her ever lasting love for you but you don't realize her treatment of other men all ties in to how she will treat you eventually when the perceived big and better deal comes around.

Also you don't consider at the moment you are just being played and used as a sex toy while she tells you what you want to hear to keep you doing what she wants which is doing her.

Now most guys are cool with the fvck buddy scenario but she's not being straight about this as she is manipulating your emotions to get you to give it to her.

She doesn't love you and if she did she'd leave her husband for you as soon as she can and even if she does that her character is already rotten because she if she were mature would've left her husband before cheating with you.

So what do we have in total here?

A woman with a bad character who is prone to cheating and probably playing on your emotions to acheive her goal which is to be boned by a safe guy for a while a guy she's decided probably doesn't got any STD's until she can find your replacement.

Ooh ouch.

Well thats what you get for going after a married chick dude.

Edit: Whoops I missed the part where you said you haven't fvcked her yet.

Oh well like Sodbuster has said in that case she's just playing you at the moment for your emotions. She's getting caught up in the drama of considering cheating with you on her husband. All that I said still applies about her bad character. Women that do emotional cheating usually go on to do physical cheating.

 

[sodbuster]

There are so many things wrong with this post, I'm not sure I can even begin to help. SO, you want to be an ASS BANDIT of the worst kind and tap a married woman? Here's some of the problems I see [1] she may only be having an emotional affair with you-you'll never get any.[2] she may be using you as the breakup boyfriend-you are the crutch she uses until she gets her life together.[3]He may just decide to shoot your dumb ass[4] and worst of all, you get her and marry her,but now you can never trust her because you already know what she did in the past with you.

I've had deep friendships with married women,but I wasn't hoping she would hook up with me. You need to go out and meet other women,let this one be.

If you think being single is bad, I've got an ex-wife you can have-she'll give you a whole new appreciation for single.

 

[sodbuster]

I type so slow KontrollerX beat me to it.

 

[KontrollerX]

http://pckeyboards.stores.yahoo.net/customizer.html

Heh heh thats because you need this keyboard with buckling spring technology Sodbuster.

Seriously that right there is the greatest keyboard man has ever created and I am typing on it right now.

Its so great because it is a replica of the famous IBM Model M keyboard design that computer users the world over have praised for years upon years as being the best keyboard ever created.

It has arguably the greatest tactile response of any keyboard and is basically an engineering marvel.

Its only drawbacks are the loud clickiness of the keys if that would annoy you and the keyboard itself is kind of heavy but man this thing is durable and can last a lifetime. The letters are engraved through every single key so that the paint never wears completely off so that you can't tell what letter was there over long years of use.

Sorry everyone for going off topic but I love this damn thing so much ever since I bought it I figured I had to nerd up over it and advertise it on SS at least once.

 

[Sinistar]

You wrote the word soulmate so be prepared for the fury.

Diagnosis: You are totally AFC and have a classic case of one-itis.

Where does one-itis come from? It comes from being AFC and having no other options. Where does AFC come frome? It comes from being raised in way that probably shamed or veered you into thinking you should be focusing on the one rather than putting yourself first and experiencing lots of women first.

Think about something for a minute. Let's say at the same time you would have met another gal instead that was equally attractive and seemed equally interesting or fascinating - wouldn't it then be possible that you and she would have just "clicked"? Of course it is possible and was very likely in your condition (because you are focusing on the one). There, that makes two and if there are two there are probably thousands and thousands and thus this soulmate Theory has been dis-proven.

Try thinking of this another way. What you are experiencing is not love. You will know love when it happens. You will be at peace and patient. Nope, what you are experiencing is just plain raw desire. Whether you want to admit it or not, you want what every other guys wants - s3x. But she isn't giving it to you and now it's imbalanced. You keep giving her what she craves most (security via friendship, hanging out, etc). But she is not reciprocating in the way you hope (and subconsciously expect) - intimacy. So what does the AFC do - he keeps giving her security (ie attention, friendship, etc). And what does any women do in this case - she takes it all in with no need to reciprocate.

Also you mentioned that she married her HS sweetheart. Just think how immature she is interpersonally. She never got to experience her wild flakey 20's to get more experience, get crazy and learn more about guys and herself. It's no wonder that she's using you for attention. Her relationship is probably now boring or faltering and she's wondering what she missed. What better than to lead you on receiving attention and re-discovering that she's desirable w/o any risks to her relationship.

A woman who is happy, in love and married would never hang out with you. Clearly she's married so that leaves leaves either unhappiness and/or indifference towards her hubby.

One more vibe I picked up on. You have the classic AFC tone of rescuer/savior. Many guys will read what I wrote and interpret this as the best time to swoop in and save her from her failing relationship - WRONG!

A prediction. She will never be intimate with you and if she does she'll feel guilty about it and turn it around on you so she doesn't have to carry the guilt. More likely, she'll run into a Player / PUA / DJ who spots her for what she is (immature unhappy wife) and will give her intimacy and move on which is exactly what she's probably looking for (intimacy w/o a relationship). Of course, the next best thing is a new male "girlfriend" who gives her tons of attention w/o taking her across the line of intimacy. My money says she's probably already been intimate with another guy who could care less about her (exactly what she has been craving for quite some time).

Reframe things. Life isn't playing cruel tricks on you. Rather, you've allowed yourself to be plugged in for so long that you've played the most cruel trick of all - on yourself - you believed all this crap and tried living it. Rollo says it often, the harder you work the luckier you seem to be. There's no coincidence in that statement. Applied to dating, the guy who puts himself first and dates a lot is far more likely to find a great women with great values and wants more than anything to be a compliment to his life.

A few other tidbits. Your co-worker said she's noticed you being in love with her. But why didn't she say she thinks Jackie is in love with you? Also, you said she has feelings for you. Well guess what, if a woman has those types of feelings (I'm assuming you speak of desire) that ring on her finger would not be stopping her.

Logic. Your most important asset is your time. And you're wasting it on her. Keep dating, change your frame and mindset to put you first. Why waste so many years on what you can't have?

 

[decades]

you are looking for a savior to rescue you from your own misery. stop putting that kind of burden on other people and start to make yourself happy from within. no person out there is going to make you happy, and if they do, it will wear off and you will go back to being miserable. find your happiness within and someday you may find another to AUGMENT your life, not COMPLETE it.

 

[Colossus]

There's not much I can add here.

To the OP-- You have effectively pedestalized this woman and your ONE-itis infection is now in full force. Read what Sinistar said: Life is not playing cruel tricks on you. This woman is MARRIED. Think about the possible outcomes of this situation. None of them are in your favor. NONE.

In my opinion, a DJ would never give a married woman any serious consideration. Friends, sure, but you are playing with matches here buddy.

I work with this Lithuanian PhD student at my lab every week. This chick is no-joke a 9.5-10. 29 years old, easy to joke with, talk to, we've even been drunk together. But she is married. I would NEVER let my feelings cross the line with her---and if I were still an AFC they easily could. A married woman is a BOUNDARY you have to respect, and this is for YOUR benefit. You can only lose in these situations, and you are wasting your time and energy. Think about the repercussions if you were to fvck her....just think. This is a lose-lose, I'm sorry.

 

[DonGorgon]

...Im just not sure what to do, .

lol....... what would Jesus not do to a married woman???

 

[IronStar]

Dont pursue your heart on this one dude, let it go. However it goes down, happy ever after ain't on the cards here. I've seen a couple of these so-called 'affairs of the heart' played out over the years, and it brought nothing but hurt.

I understand your sentiment though, just after I got divorced I met a woman I thought was the one. She was a sweetheart, no doubt, but I didnt know her from a bar of a soap when it came down to it. Neither do you, sorry, you've got this idea what she might be like, but its just that, a fantasy. Sorry.

you are looking for a savior to rescue you from your own misery. stop putting that kind of burden on other people and start to make yourself happy from within.

I dont know if this applies to you, but it sure as hell applied to me.

 

[STR8UP]

So you're in love with a married woman who you have never even kissed, let alone fukked?

You got problems man.

 

[SoCalMike]

you've got this idea what she might be like, but its just that, a fantasy. Sorry.

That's exactly right.

I've been in his shoes before, when I was younger... esp. in college. Several times I would meet a girl, and get a huge crush on her, thinking I knew what she was like.

And then one day I find out something about her, like something she did/said... (e.g. heavy drug user) or was on the receiving end of disrespectful behavior and then *poof* the infatuation was gone.

OP: you're infatuated. It's a crush. You are not in love. Love only comes after you've been with someone a long time and gotten to know them very well.

 

[Mike32ct]

I have to agree with the others here. As much as it hurts, you have no future with this woman. Even if she mentions (eventually) leaving her husband, don't believe it. It is the oldest line in the book. It's no different than the man who tells his mistress that he plans to leave his wife, but somehow never does. In the slim chance she is seriously considering leaving her husband for you, do you really want to be responsible for breaking up someone's marriage?

Trust me, you can't win in this situation. Either just be friends with her, or don't bother with her at all.

 

[leeman67]

Upfront. I want to thank everyone for your input. I greatly do appreciate it and to be honest. You wont get an argument out of me to anything that was posted.

The problem is. How do you just turn it off? I was attracted to her more then 4 years ago. before I even knew her or knew she was married. Its not a physical thing. If I was to pick her out in a bar room. Most eveyone would say she is average. She is actually. alot similar to myself. slightly overweight.

There has been many nites, like tonite, that I ask myself what in the Hell am I doing? I have never been involved with a married woman. I dont have plans to start anytime soon. Over the time I have been here in Chicago, I have tried several times to get her out of my head and move on.

At one time, I was working in a whole other dept from her and very seldom seen her. The next thing I know. I get promoted into her dept. (Guess who trained me). a few months later. We are now working side by side. I never asked for any of this, it just happened.

Far as the intimacy goes, If I was a totally selfish person. I would have already been there. Done that. But I always make sure I dont cross a line to act upon my impulses. (My conscious would just bother me too much) .

My problem is with any other woman I come into contact with. I am unfairly comparing them to her.

I think I need a good hammer to beat some sense into me.

 

[Sinistar]

...you start by selling your Pedestal and Snip3r Rif1e on Craigs List and then go out and buy a trusty ole' shotgun ... translation -> start spending time with and dating many other women and never put any of them above you. Eventually the attention of women who are truly interested in you will become more desireable.

You really need to unplug dude! Four years of desiring her with no actions or reciprocation - youch. Maybe you should repeat the following:

leeman67: "Hello I am leeman67 I am AFC and have serious case of One-Itis. For over 4 years I have obsessed over and allowed myself to be infatuated with just one woman who is married and at best would ever be a friend. I have lost 4 years of my life when it comes to dating and relationships over this obsession. I will now move forward once and for all and for good."

Here's a short list of why you need to unplug (ie whack your belief systems upside the head):

- You more or less believe in the one (ie soulmate)
- You are placing your sole target on a huge pedestal.
- You to some degree exhibit signs of rescuing/saving
- You bought into the fantasy of being good friends first
- You believe in friendships with women when intimacy is unresolved.
- You do not feel comfortable dating more than one woman
- You continue to see events as "signs" rather than mere coincindences
- You do not have 100% proof of how she really feels about you
- You are listening to her words and not her actions
- You are rationalizing / justifying
- You seek out what you can't have instead of taking what you want
- You actually posted here (a sign but also good).

....we go could go on and on. You asked for help. Often the answer is not what you want to hear. The unanimous opinion is that this is not a good idea. That comes from countless observations and direct experiences. You have been made aware of your beliefs and ideals that have lead you to this quite unhealthy situation. 4 Years! Say it again - 4 Years! A lot of people date, get married and have kids (and even divorce) in 4 Years! You on the other hand have had one - say it again - just one fantasy relationship with her in a 4 Year period!

Do you see it now. A Fantasy Relationship is not even remotely a relationship. Actually it is the worst kind because one person will sit and wonder and obsess and have their hair turn gray while the other goes home to a family, other friends and really doesn't give it much of a thought. Basically you've put your own life on hold while she's living hers.

You need to snap yourself out of this. If she's a decent person and true friend she will understand and not interfere or intervene while you get clear of things. A chump would just barf out everything to her. Do you know why the AFC does this? He's secretly wishing that the big 'talk' would get her to draw him back in (trying to get her to chase something running away from her). Go ahead, give that a try. In the end she'll just pull back more, she'll drop all respect for you and she'll never see you as desirable or feel comfortable being your friend (which really shouldn't matter to a MAN anyways).

Why not make today your final stand. Commit to yourself that you will forever always put you first. You will recognize each time something that looks like another "sign" is merely a coincidence or your skewed belief system trying in desperation to rationalize/justify why you shouldn't allow yourself to hurt and let go.

4 Years! We should also advise you that with a one-itis of this extended duration, you will experience grief. You can start it now or wait another 4 years! Either way it's gonna hurt and every day you wait it will just hurt more and for longer.

Get busy. Hang out more with friends. Adjust your career if needed (I hate suggesting geographical escape but you may need it). Start dating again. And always, always put yourself first. If something doesn't feel right or is too good to be true - IT IS - IT ALWAYS IS!

Think of it another way. You are now aware. You've finally been made aware that this isn't her fault. Rather the burden lies on you because you bought into beliefs and programming (over the years and through your upbringing) that was never healthy or masculine in the first place.

With awareness comes responsibility! A MAN accepts this responsibility and acts on it.

 

[samspade]

You wont get an argument out of me to anything that was posted.

The problem is. How do you just turn it off?

First of all, it's refreshing to see someone come here for advice and actually listen and not get combative. So, leeman, you're on your way to recovery, because you know you have a problem, as they say.

Unfortunately, for you, it won't be as simple as flipping a switch. Maybe after proper training, you will be able to do this with women. But first you need to cure your oneitis disease with this particular broad.

There is a lot of great material written about oneitis on the DJ Tips section of the discussion forum. Run a search (titles only), keyword: oneitis. Study up.

Essentially you need to step outside of your emotional state of mind and think logically about all of this. What would you tell a friend if he were in your shoes? You'd think he was nuts, tell him to find a single girl, right? I'm sure this one you like is special in some way, but for the love of God, you live in the Windy City. There are 4 million women in greater Chicago. You think she's the bee's knees just because you happened to get to know her and you aren't getting to know that many other women. If you open your eyes, you will find that there is a plethora of single women looking for a guy like you. Enlist your buddies, get out there and start meeting them.

One more thing: Don't beat yourself up too much over this. You're human, you fell for a married woman. You say you haven't crossed the physical line - this is good. It means as a man you have maintained some control. You can still accept reality, say "oh, well" to yourself, and find someone better. In fact, if this woman is your friend, she should be willing to help you with this (if you can both handle that).

Married women should be treated like they have penises, because, in fact, they do.

 

[SoCalMike]

Short answer: date other women.

And you say you're average, slightly overweight. Get busy in the gym. Cut down on the calorie intake. Get in better shape and you will see your options open up. Sounds to me that if you were in better shape you probably wouldn't even be physically attracted to this girl because you'd be getting attention from better looking women.

Try it.

 

[azanon]

It's AFC to be a single man messing around with a married woman. Why? Because there are so many that are single, why would you even need to mess with the married ones? Oneitis! One stinkin' smelly girl! Dude, there's millions of them!

Sometimes I don't even understand this website. There are few things easier that coercing a woman, AFAIK. It's such a simple numbers game.

 

[Da Realist]

The real issue is that you think with your emotions and you need to learn to stop doing it. It's cool to go looking for love, but you can't load those feelings on the front-end because you'll make mistakes that men aren't supposed to make. I should know since that's how I was. Leave the married co-worker alone and go enjoy life outside of work. You may say you're 41 and alone, but you're 41, don't have kids to run after, and have the freedom to do what you want while other guys your age are bogged down with all kinds of problems. Just realize you're free to decide how your life is going and a lot of women will come from out of nowhere to try to tie you down.

 

[romangod]

To the OP-- You have effectively pedestalized this woman

Agreed. Never pedestalize a woman! She should be pedestalizing you!


Cheers!