Lost frame in a relationship. Not sure what to do

[BadWatermelon]

Yesterday I got in a fight with my fiancée. Previously, I had told her I was planning to come right home. My mom texted me and asked "can you drop by for a while on your way home?" I said yes.

I texted my fiancée "I'm going to see Mom for just a little bit."

She then said "ok I guess no sex then. You really have to go to your mom's again? You never listen to me, it's irritating. I'll just keep being the maid then doing laundry and grovery shopping and unloading that while you go hang out with your mom when you just saw her yesterday. Definitely turned off don't want sex now."

She then accused me of being a mama's boy.

I know I lost frame, but I am not sure what to do here. Was this a **** test that I failed?

Our relationship has been fine up until recently. This morning, I asked her to do something simple and she complained. Our sex life is good, but I feel lately like a doormat and want to know how to improve the situation. It's as if now she has lost respect for me.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Is there something else we need to know? I feel like some context is being left out. Women do not just up and turn from angels to bvtches out of nowhere unless you ignored some serious red flags in the dating phase.

 

[BadWatermelon]

It felt like it was out of nowhere, but maybe I was ignoring some of the signs. She said I wasn't listening to her with a few other things she had told me to do (getting a doctor's appointment, setting up an app for her, remembering weekend plans.)

We hadn't had sex in a while and were planning to when I got home. Also, we had plans later in the day, so she may have felt there was not going to be enough time, but I thought there would have been. (Which is why I said I was going to my mom's "for a little bit.")

 

[Gamisch]

My advice is gonna be cut throat and very black/ white.

Leave.

You lost frame and for all we know there's another bull on the ring already. I'd cut my losses and go. And I know that's easier said than done, but the healing process will always take up to a year minimum. Better start it now. You might improve the situation temporarily, but eventually she will act up more frequently untill she is the one leaving you.

Leave. Plan an exit strategy and find a new woman.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She isn't complaining about this specifically, you need to find out what the underlying issue is to be able to properly decide the course of action to take.

Thinking things have been "fine" previously usually is naive thinking because what has really been happening is silent resentment being built up over time over something that has been bothering her.

Do not take her complaining about this at face value. This is not the actual thing that is bothering her, it's just something she is using to lash out at you with while the actual problem remains unresolved.

 

[BadBoy89]

Yesterday I got in a fight with my fiancée. Previously, I had told her I was planning to come right home. My mom texted me and asked "can you drop by for a while on your way home?" I said yes.

I texted my fiancée "I'm going to see Mom for just a little bit."

She then said "ok I guess no sex then. You really have to go to your mom's again? You never listen to me, it's irritating. I'll just keep being the maid then doing laundry and grovery shopping and unloading that while you go hang out with your mom when you just saw her yesterday. Definitely turned off don't want sex now."

She then accused me of being a mama's boy.

The problem is you tell her “coming right home“ and then something distracts you.

If you said “My mom fell and needs my help”, she likely would have understood. But to just say “I’m going to see my mom”, she has the right to be upset.

I’m thinking this is a pattern.

 

[Gamisch]

The problem is you tell her “coming right home“ and then something distracts you.

If you said “My mom fell and needs my help”, she likely would have understood. But to just say “I’m going to see my mom”, she has the right to be upset.

I’m thinking this is a pattern.

Whut?

He has the right to see whoever he wants! Amd his MOM, regardless of how she feels is by default a sensitive topic. I bet if the tables were turned you'd defend her also.

And most importantly; she withheld sex from him ,the one thing he didn't got for quite a while already.

This woman is toxic and he is in for a wild ride.

 

[The Duke]

Whatever the woman first mentions is never the real issue that she is upset about. There is always more beneath the surface.

From what little you have shared, she feels like her needs for attention aren't being met. You aren't making enough deposits into her emotional/mental bank account.

I'd sit down and get her to tell you where she is at. You need to listen, and let her do the talking, thats how women solve their problems.

I think this can be improved by spending some more time with her. If you are acting like a puzzy and lost frame then you need to correct that.

You also haven't told us the whole story.

 

[CBear]

I had one of these. Context matters of course, but she wanted to get married real bad and was getting impatient. She was very insecure and felt threatened by my family. I broke it off with her because it felt like I was suffocating and I truly didnt love her to prioritize her like that. We weren't on the same wavelength.

Having said that, although i believe family is important and that she overreacted and acted very immaturely, last second decisions like that are very irritating and immature as well.

Maybe you 2 are on a different wavelengths. Shes ready to become a wife and may feel like youre not responsible or ready to be a husband, thats where her frustration could come from. Meanwhile her current expectations may feel too much for you or may not align, which is why you feel like a doormat and make last second decision changes.

Simple reflection on your part and discussion could solve this to see where your heads are at. If you can come to the same page without egos getting in the way, great. If another fight happens, better to cut your losses before the wedding.

 

[CornbreadFed]

It felt like it was out of nowhere, but maybe I was ignoring some of the signs. She said I wasn't listening to her with a few other things she had told me to do (getting a doctor's appointment, setting up an app for her, remembering weekend plans.)

It’s never out of nowhere, you were just deaf and blind. These are just ripple effects caused by the underlying problem. Since you aren’t getting sex, I can assume you are deep in shvt right now.

Listen, she’s never going to tell you the problem directly, but just let her have her bvtch session for the moment. You need to be honest with us and yourself and tell us if you are the same man she first met or you have you regressed.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Superficially, and exclusively regarding this incident, it looks like either you already had plans and her expectations for the day were different, and then you changed those plans out of nowhere, or she was frustrated that she was doing chores while you were doing something fun instead of taking care of business.

Regardless, the bigger issue is whether this incident is part of a bigger change in the relationship. If you’re suddenly getting more **** tests, complaints, and resistance, it could point to lower attraction, less respect, or a gradual change in the dynamic between you two. It could also come down to a lack of confidence in the relationship, your leadership, or whether she feels secure about where things are going.

What should you do? I wouldn’t overreact to this one incident. Act like nothing happened and continue normally. If she brings it up and wants to discuss it, talk about what happened and come to an agreement about how you’ll handle similar situations in the future. You can validate her feelings without necessarily agreeing that you did something wrong. Sadly, it will be like a negotiation, where the person who needs the relationship more will ultimately have to make more concessions to keep the other around.

As for your question about frame, it’s easy to gradually ease your frame into something different once you’re in a relationship. That’s not necessarily a good thing. You need to maintain the frame you had when you attracted the woman you saw as more than just a pump-and-dump. If you recognize that your frame has gradually changed, the way to recover is to revert back to the original frame that worked in the first place by getting back to the qualities and boundaries you had when the relationship was working well.

Truthfully, this is less about frame and more about being a man. Learn to handle your **** without it affecting other parts of your life.

 

[Barrister]

Agree with the others context is missing. Why does she immediately say “no sex” just because you’re going to see your mom? It’s your mom. I do agree with others that you may not be communicating effectively, or at least not as well as you should.

All that said, she clearly is very immature and has already made sex transactional. This is close to a death knell for your relationship whether it seems innocent or not to you. Women, like your fiancee, who are willing to make sex transactional make very poor LTR partners. She will continually do this to you throughout your relationship whenever you do something she deems unacceptable. Not good.

I hope you’re really thinking hard about whether fiancee should be “wife.” I know what I think.

 

[plumber]

you tell no sex for awhile.. how long ?? and why ?? sounds like you two live together. does she stay at home or how does she spend her days while your working ? did she actually tell you in words, no sex for you ? are you 43 years old ? how about her, is she also 40ish..

my initial idea is that you have a larger problem... tell more... the guys on this forum seen most everything before.

 

[BadWatermelon]

First of all, thank you everyone for the replies. To answer some of the questions, we've been together for a year and a half and this is the first time she's ever withheld sex from me. We ended up making up the same night (make up sex), but something still doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm just on edge now because of what happened and looking for things I didn't see previously.

Agree with the others context is missing. Why does she immediately say “no sex” just because you’re going to see your mom? It’s your mom. I do agree with others that you may not be communicating effectively, or at least not as well as you should.

She just said that she was turned off. I thought I'd be going to see my mom for 15-30 minutes, but she thought I wasn't thinking about her.

She may have had a point about that, that I was being inconsiderate. But getting angry like this and throwing a hissy fit is out-of-character for her and it surprised me.

All that said, she clearly is very immature and has already made sex transactional. This is close to a death knell for your relationship whether it seems innocent or not to you. Women, like your fiancee, who are willing to make sex transactional make very poor LTR partners. She will continually do this to you throughout your relationship whenever you do something she deems unacceptable. Not good.

I'm hoping this is just a one-off, because it hasn't happened for the last year and a half. The fact that it finally did happen is what's making me question everything and hence this post.

She isn't complaining about this specifically, you need to find out what the underlying issue is to be able to properly decide the course of action to take.

Thinking things have been "fine" previously usually is naive thinking because what has really been happening is silent resentment being built up over time over something that has been bothering her.

Do not take her complaining about this at face value. This is not the actual thing that is bothering her, it's just something she is using to lash out at you with while the actual problem remains unresolved.

I agree, and I would like to find out what the underlying issue is. By fine, I meant we haven't had a lot of fights or arguments like this. It's not a perfect relationship, of course.

 

[BPH]

First of all, thank you everyone for the replies. To answer some of the questions, we've been together for a year and a half and this is the first time she's ever withheld sex from me. We ended up making up the same night (make up sex), but something still doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm just on edge now because of what happened and looking for things I didn't see previously.



She just said that she was turned off. I thought I'd be going to see my mom for 15-30 minutes, but she thought I wasn't thinking about her.

She may have had a point about that, that I was being inconsiderate. But getting angry like this and throwing a hissy fit is out-of-character for her and it surprised me.



I'm hoping this is just a one-off, because it hasn't happened for the last year and a half. The fact that it finally did happen is what's making me question everything and hence this post.



I agree, and I would like to find out what the underlying issue is. By fine, I meant we haven't had a lot of fights or arguments like this. It's not a perfect relationship, of course.

There's a lot of speculation here when you could literally just sit down with this woman and ask her what's bothering her...

 

[Sega Genesis]

We ended up making up the same night (make up sex)...

^^I'm female but gonna pretend I'm a guy here and say since when do you judge women on what they say? Lol

It's been stated here many MANY times to judge by her actions NOT her words. Not sure I 100% agree (as a woman) but that IS the standard advice given here.

So what did her actions say? When you got home you banged her brains out so what's the problem?

My take is she had her verbal tantrum because the plan was to have sex when you got home. That is what you posted and I have no doubt she was looking forward to.

And by you last minute deciding to visit your mom (after just seeing her the day prior), sex with her (your fiance) was secondary in your mind and she felt disregarded and HURT.

However when you got home you ended up having sex anyway so I dunno next time keep the original plan unless it's an emergency... or if you don't and she gets pissy just say "okay" but when you get home f*ck her anyway which is precisely what you did! And I am sure she enjoyed!

JMO!

 

[BaronOfHair]

@BadWatermelon "Previously, I had told her I was planning to come right home. My mom texted me and asked "can you drop by for a while on your way home?" I said yes"

Give some thought to having a fiancee when you apparently haven't yet graduated junior high

 

[CornbreadFed]

There's a lot of speculation here when you could literally just sit down with this woman and ask her what's bothering her...

Jokes

 

[Doctor Europeo]

We hadn't had sex in a while

Why? This is very important

I agree, and I would like to find out what the underlying issue is.

Dont get married until you do. After you find the underlying issue, then you can decide if you want to go ahead with the marriage.

99.9% of problems dont dissapear magically just because you get married; if anything a lot of behaviors can get worse. If this means you have to postpone/cancel the wedding and you lose money, then so be it, its better in the long run.

 

[Bokanovsky]

It felt like it was out of nowhere, but maybe I was ignoring some of the signs. She said I wasn't listening to her with a few other things she had told me to do (getting a doctor's appointment, setting up an app for her, remembering weekend plans.)

We hadn't had sex in a while and were planning to when I got home. Also, we had plans later in the day, so she may have felt there was not going to be enough time, but I thought there would have been. (Which is why I said I was going to my mom's "for a little bit.")

No offence, but it sounds like you lost frame a long time ago. Sex is not an event that you "plan" days or weeks in advance. It's not something you have to negotiate or bargain for. And it goes without saying that if you live together and haven't had sex in a while, with a woman who isn't even your wife yet, it's a very bad sign. It seems like she's using sex to control you and things will only get worse in the future, especially if you make the mistake of marrying this woman.