Looking for outside perspectives on some patterns I've been noticing in my relationship

[Blacksheep]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year. She lives with me in my apartment. I'm trying to get some honest outside opinions on whether what I'm observing are genuinely concerning patterns or whether I'm overreacting.

1. Conflict derailment During arguments, she tends to shift focus constantly — jumping between multiple points at once, which makes it impossible to resolve anything. Every conversation ends up all over the place with nothing actually addressed.

2. Escalation When she gets angry, she raises her voice and starts shouting. This happens regularly during conflicts.

3. Using shared vulnerability against me I opened up to her about the abuse I experienced from my father growing up — decades of abuse — and how important it was for me to finally get out of that situation. I also shared that I carry a deep hatred toward him for what he did, and that parts of me wish he were dead (I made it very clear this wasn't something I planned to act on — it was emotional processing of trauma).

In a couples activity about fears and insecurities, she brought up exactly this material to say that she fears I might become physically aggressive toward her — directly linking it to what I shared about my father.

4. Acknowledge and redirect When confronted about something she did wrong, she takes a long time to acknowledge it. And when she finally does, it almost always seems to come with something that destabilizes me and shifts the blame back onto me.

5. Last argument The most recent fight was connected to that couples activity. She explained that her fear of physical aggression comes partly from her own background — she witnessed her father being physically violent toward her mother. I understand that context and take it seriously.

However, what troubled me was how she chose to express that fear: by directly linking it to the trauma I had shared with her in confidence — specifically my hatred toward my father for abusing me, and the fact that parts of me wish he were dead (something I was very clear was emotional processing, not intent).

She also wrote some times in the beginning of the relationship during arguments where she would try to walk away or leave the house, I grabbed her arm a couple of times trying to pull her back into the conversation. I recognized that was wrong, addressed it, and it hasn't happened since. I'm being transparent about this because I want the full picture out there.

My question: Are these patterns serious enough to warrant ending things, or am I letting my trauma history color how I'm interpreting her behavior?

 

[Gamisch]

One year relationship and already living together?

I'm sorry but imo that should be your biggest (life) lesson. If possible do NOT live together with a woman, and if you do only do so after you've PROPERLY vetted her. Why did you even take such a huge step so fast????

This sounds like every other relationship I've ever been that ended rather sooner than later.

Lets wait and see if others will have more solution-based answers. You can do plenty of things to try and improve the situation; from changing your attitude in general to getting in something like couples therapy, but I would rather advise you to jump ship.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

She sounds like a parade of red flags. You totally ignored Rollo´s Iron rule #4:

#4 Don’t ever live with a woman you’re not married to or planning to marry in less than six months.

The Rational Male Summary: 9 Iron Rules by Rollo Tomassi

A summary of the book The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi and his red pill philosophy. Learn Tomassi's 10 red pill laws, and whether they empower men or not

thepowermoves.com

As to wether you should end things, I think you should. Remember Iron rule #7:

#7 Develop new relationships: don’t fix broken ones
Your time and effort are better spent looking for new ones than fixing the unfixable ones.

She doesnt sound capable of giving you mental peace. If you dont have mental peace, you have nothing.

 

[Blacksheep]

One year relationship and already living together?

I'm sorry but imo that should be your biggest (life) lesson. If possible do NOT live together with a woman, and if you do only do so after you've PROPERLY vetted her. Why did you even take such a huge step so fast????

This sounds like everyone other relationship I've ever been that ended rather sooner than later.

Lets wait and see if others will have more solution-based answers. You can do plenty of things to try and improve the situation; from changing your attitude in general to getting in something like couples therapy, but I would rather advise you to jump ship.

You're right, I recognize it was a rushed decision to move in together.

I was drawn in by how much we have in common — similar values, similar outlook on life, genuine compatibility in many areas. That part wasn't an illusion. But I focused so much on what aligned that I overlooked something critical: how she communicates under pressure. The way her temperament shifts during arguments, the disrespect, the distortions that come up mid-conflict. I saw what I wanted to see and filtered out what I needed to see.

I also fell into another trap — wanting to save the damsel in distress. She had abusive parents just like I did, was in a difficult financial situation, going through a separation from her ex-husband, about to sell her apartment. I understood her pain because I recognized it. And I think that recognition blinded me further.
To her credit, she never tried to take advantage of me financially, and throughout her separation she handled things fairly — I was there for all of it.

But yes, this is probably one of the biggest lessons of my life. I let a recurring pattern slide because everything else felt right — and that pattern has been wearing me down ever since.

 

[Bokanovsky]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year. She lives with me in my apartment. I'm trying to get some honest outside opinions on whether what I'm observing are genuinely concerning patterns or whether I'm overreacting.

1. Conflict derailment During arguments, she tends to shift focus constantly — jumping between multiple points at once, which makes it impossible to resolve anything. Every conversation ends up all over the place with nothing actually addressed.

2. Escalation When she gets angry, she raises her voice and starts shouting. This happens regularly during conflicts.

3. Using shared vulnerability against me I opened up to her about the abuse I experienced from my father growing up — decades of abuse — and how important it was for me to finally get out of that situation. I also shared that I carry a deep hatred toward him for what he did, and that parts of me wish he were dead (I made it very clear this wasn't something I planned to act on — it was emotional processing of trauma).

In a couples activity about fears and insecurities, she brought up exactly this material to say that she fears I might become physically aggressive toward her — directly linking it to what I shared about my father.

4. Acknowledge and redirect When confronted about something she did wrong, she takes a long time to acknowledge it. And when she finally does, it almost always seems to come with something that destabilizes me and shifts the blame back onto me.

5. Last argument The most recent fight was connected to that couples activity. She explained that her fear of physical aggression comes partly from her own background — she witnessed her father being physically violent toward her mother. I understand that context and take it seriously.

However, what troubled me was how she chose to express that fear: by directly linking it to the trauma I had shared with her in confidence — specifically my hatred toward my father for abusing me, and the fact that parts of me wish he were dead (something I was very clear was emotional processing, not intent).

She also wrote some times in the beginning of the relationship during arguments where she would try to walk away or leave the house, I grabbed her arm a couple of times trying to pull her back into the conversation. I recognized that was wrong, addressed it, and it hasn't happened since. I'm being transparent about this because I want the full picture out there.

My question: Are these patterns serious enough to warrant ending things, or am I letting my trauma history color how I'm interpreting her behavior?

These are all classic examples of gaslighting and manipulation. It will only get worse. If you're smart, you will extract yourself from this relationship.

 

[Westminster]

I agree with my fellow posters' assessment. Lots of red flags and it's likely to get worse, perhaps dangerously so.

OP, you need an exit strategy.

 

[Blacksheep]

These are all classic examples of gaslighting and manipulation. It will only get worse. If you're smart, you will extract yourself from this relationship.

In fact, I've already noticed that these patterns look a lot like gaslighting and other techniques like DARVO. I just wasn't sure if she was doing it consciously (with some bad intent) or if it was just an emotional reaction on her part.

The wear and tear and confusion that these situations have been causing me have left me really mixed up to the point where I'm lacking clarity about whether I'm right or wrong, whether it's not me who's making things up or exaggerating. Which is also part of gaslighting (questioning your own reality).

 

[Blacksheep]

I agree with my fellow posters' assessment. Lots of red flags and it's likely to get worse, perhaps dangerously so.

OP, you need an exit strategy.

Yes, about the physical aggression part, I was afraid of a false accusation.

Since I grew up in a very abusive family, I have a huge difficulty believing what I observe and analyze.

It's like something makes me doubt myself all the time. And then I get paralyzed, not knowing whether to follow my intuition or to give it more time to observe and gather more evidence. However, I believe I have plenty of evidence—I just don't want to believe it.

 

[Bokanovsky]

In fact, I've already noticed that these patterns look a lot like gaslighting and other techniques like DARVO. I just wasn't sure if she was doing it consciously (with some bad intent) or if it was just an emotional reaction on her part.

At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. In fact, if she's doing it subconsciously, it's arguably even worse. It means that manipulation and gaslighting are internalized behaviours and her natural response to relationship issues.

The wear and tear and confusion that these situations have been causing me have left me really mixed up to the point where I'm lacking clarity about whether I'm right or wrong, whether it's not me who's making things up or exaggerating. Which is also part of gaslighting (questioning your own reality).

That's exactly right. Another classic example of gaslighting is taking little things and blowing them way out of proportion in an attempt to make you feel bad. It's a type of psychological abuse.

 

[Blacksheep]

She sounds like a parade of red flags. You totally ignored Rollo´s Iron rule #4:

#4 Don’t ever live with a woman you’re not married to or planning to marry in less than six months.

The Rational Male Summary: 9 Iron Rules by Rollo Tomassi

A summary of the book The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi and his red pill philosophy. Learn Tomassi's 10 red pill laws, and whether they empower men or not

thepowermoves.com

As to wether you should end things, I think you should. Remember Iron rule #7:

#7 Develop new relationships: don’t fix broken ones
Your time and effort are better spent looking for new ones than fixing the unfixable ones.

She doesnt sound capable of giving you mental peace. If you dont have mental peace, you have nothing.

That makes sense!

I was thinking about what I'm getting out of this relationship, and basically it's just companionship and having someone to talk to. And even that depends on things—when it doesn't turn into a fight.

On the other hand, I'm going on almost four months without having sex with her. She used to say she had a low libido because of childhood trauma (about sexual abuse), and the last time I tried to initiate sex with her was one day when she was cuddling with me and I started kissing her, and she turned to me and said: "Couldn't we just stay like this? Does being close always have to lead to sex?"

I immediately turned to her and said I didn't think that was cool... because it wasn't always, and right then I was just trying to have an intimate moment with her. She acknowledged it and apologized for it... But after that, I simply lost interest. And with the fights, my sexual desire for her ended.

And my libido still exists, because I feel desire when I see attractive women, and when the urge hits, I end up masturbating to some erotic image.

There are the fights, the mental confusion I've been feeling, the financial strain because she earns less and I have to cover certain things (she does help me with essential expenses).

And the fact that in certain arguments, I don't feel heard.

 

[BPH]

It sounds like you've been given good answers, but also kinda already know the correct answer yourself.

My only suggestion is that if you decide to cut her loose and kick her out of your apartment, you document and/or record as much as possible to protect yourself.

We just saw The Bachelorette get axed because a video surfaced of her attacking her ex and even throwing chairs at him while her daughter was in the same room. If he had told that story without the video, most people probably wouldn't believe him.

Set up RING cameras throughout your apartment, record a Voice Memo when you're having these conversations, and things start getting passionate...whatever you have to do to protect yourself and remove yourself from this situation.

 

[Blacksheep]

It sounds like you've been given good answers, but also kinda already know the correct answer yourself.

My only suggestion is that if you decide to cut her loose and kick her out of your apartment, you document and/or record as much as possible to protect yourself.

We just saw The Bachelorette get axed because a video surfaced of her attacking her ex and even throwing chairs at him while her daughter was in the same room. If he had told that story without the video, most people probably wouldn't believe him.

Set up RING cameras throughout your apartment, record a Voice Memo when you're having these conversations, and things start getting passionate...whatever you have to do to protect yourself and remove yourself from this situation.

Undoubtedly, this is a very important point you brought up. I have cameras here, but one of them was off, and the other she turned off during the last fight we had, because when I left the house she said she didn't want me supposedly looking at the camera to see what she was doing.

I'll turn them back on tomorrow and leave everything working, so if something happens, I have a way to protect myself.

 

[Clockwerk50]

I think a lot of this would make more sense if you stopped expecting her to act like a man and instead understand that men and women don’t think the same way. There isn’t some universal, androgynous way of thinking, otherwise people wouldn’t constantly ask for male vs. female perspectives. Women tend to argue more based on feelings in the moment rather than sticking to one logical thread, so part of your frustration is expecting linear, solution-based communication from someone who doesn’t operate that way.

With that being said, only a small percentage of arguments are actually about something that truly needs to be resolved. Most come from emotion in the moment or from something else entirely, often irrelevant to the stated issue, since women often communicate covertly rather than overtly. In those cases, you explain your position clearly once and, if you’re not in the wrong, don’t keep conceding or apologizing just to end the conflict. Women will often keep an argument going until you finally give in or admit fault. If you start conceding, it sets a pattern where she keeps coming back for more concessions until she’s firmly “in the right,” even if you did nothing wrong.

I think your main issue is that you’re over-engaging. The more you stay in it, trying to resolve everything logically, the more it drags on and goes in circles. At a certain point, if she’s still pushing or trying to pull you back into the same loop, you need to disengage and give it space instead of feeding the argument.

There is countless threads regarding arguments in this forum with tons of information about them.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

That makes sense!

I was thinking about what I'm getting out of this relationship, and basically it's just companionship and having someone to talk to. And even that depends on things—when it doesn't turn into a fight.

On the other hand, I'm going on almost four months without having sex with her. She used to say she had a low libido because of childhood trauma (about sexual abuse), and the last time I tried to initiate sex with her was one day when she was cuddling with me and I started kissing her, and she turned to me and said: "Couldn't we just stay like this? Does being close always have to lead to sex?"

I immediately turned to her and said I didn't think that was cool... because it wasn't always, and right then I was just trying to have an intimate moment with her. She acknowledged it and apologized for it... But after that, I simply lost interest. And with the fights, my sexual desire for her ended.

And my libido still exists, because I feel desire when I see attractive women, and when the urge hits, I end up masturbating to some erotic image.

There are the fights, the mental confusion I've been feeling, the financial strain because she earns less and I have to cover certain things (she does help me with essential expenses).

And the fact that in certain arguments, I don't feel heard.

Almost fou months? Bro, she should be pursuing sex at least once a day (unless she has the flu or she lost one of her parents recently or something).

Please get out of there as soon as possible. Find a woman that both gives you mental peace and cant get enough of you.

 

[justaroundthecorner]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year. She lives with me in my apartment. I'm trying to get some honest outside opinions on whether what I'm observing are genuinely concerning patterns or whether I'm overreacting.

1. Conflict derailment During arguments, she tends to shift focus constantly — jumping between multiple points at once, which makes it impossible to resolve anything. Every conversation ends up all over the place with nothing actually addressed.

2. Escalation When she gets angry, she raises her voice and starts shouting. This happens regularly during conflicts.

3. Using shared vulnerability against me I opened up to her about the abuse I experienced from my father growing up — decades of abuse — and how important it was for me to finally get out of that situation. I also shared that I carry a deep hatred toward him for what he did, and that parts of me wish he were dead (I made it very clear this wasn't something I planned to act on — it was emotional processing of trauma).

In a couples activity about fears and insecurities, she brought up exactly this material to say that she fears I might become physically aggressive toward her — directly linking it to what I shared about my father.

4. Acknowledge and redirect When confronted about something she did wrong, she takes a long time to acknowledge it. And when she finally does, it almost always seems to come with something that destabilizes me and shifts the blame back onto me.

5. Last argument The most recent fight was connected to that couples activity. She explained that her fear of physical aggression comes partly from her own background — she witnessed her father being physically violent toward her mother. I understand that context and take it seriously.

However, what troubled me was how she chose to express that fear: by directly linking it to the trauma I had shared with her in confidence — specifically my hatred toward my father for abusing me, and the fact that parts of me wish he were dead (something I was very clear was emotional processing, not intent).

She also wrote some times in the beginning of the relationship during arguments where she would try to walk away or leave the house, I grabbed her arm a couple of times trying to pull her back into the conversation. I recognized that was wrong, addressed it, and it hasn't happened since. I'm being transparent about this because I want the full picture out there.

My question: Are these patterns serious enough to warrant ending things, or am I letting my trauma history color how I'm interpreting her behavior?

1) Grown up man should forgive wrong deeds of his parents (I think that, unless you were sexually abused, physical or emotional violence should be forgiven). You need to have it settled inside you in order to be a father figure for your own children and have respect of your woman.

Scars are fine, open wounds are not acceptable.

2) you did not provide explanation why you fight but it seems that at least one (or both) of you does not feel entirely comfortable in this relationship - often constant fights about seemingly irrelevant things are in fact proxy conflicts - e.g. you constantly fight over some things like childhood traumas while in fact you don't satisfy her enough with respect to economic security or something else.

Women want to feel secure in relationships - man has to have ability to bring € to house, pay rent, pay for at least half of monthly groceries, provide female with constant emotional support (but receive it himself only occasionally), drive a car, know when to step back/resolve unnecessary conflicts.

If you whine about your traumas or do drugs, fuel your escapism, act like she is your emotional subsitute of mother you wished to have, you fail as a pack leader and your attractiveness suffers hit - every man that is with a woman is theoretically a pack leader of at least a 2 persons team. If he is not or stopd to be a pack leader, due to any factor (for example lack of financial or emotional stability) he needs to be prepared that he will stop be treated as a leader and eventually woman will loose her sexual interest in him.

Stop arguing with your woman over dumb things, do not "go physical" if argument happens, do what you need to do to forgive parents, be compassionate towards your woman yo the healthy extent, work on searching structural weakness in your relationship alone by identifying why the fights really start (i.e. when the mood for the fight really kicked in/what triggered it). Assess whether you have unresolved issues that are in fact never discussed.

If your woman starts fights often seemingly unprovoked after seemingly agreeing on resolutions to some issues, it means that she doesn't really want to be with you anymore but she is afraid of being alone and you might get replaced or the process of replacing you has already started (lets call it pre-monkey branch attitude).

My advice - be smart or be hurt. Think what is really going on - also fck privacy to the extent her behaviour is no longer acceptable and she is few steps from path of ruining your life - if she is no longer bearable, check her phone or email and look whats going on, also check browsing history on mobile devices.

Check whats wrong, have open discussion after identifying reason(s). If its unresovable in mid-term (if you are in your 30s) or long-term (if older) or at all (her cheating or preparing herself to leave you on emoyional level) consider ending relationship ASAP.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Almost fou months? Bro, she should be pursuing sex at least once a day (unless she has the flu or she lost one of her parents recently or something).

Please get out of there as soon as possible. Find a woman that both gives you mental peace and cant get enough of you.

This is probably where the **** tests and friction originated.

If OP is initiating sex and she’s not responding, then she’s likely no longer attracted to him, is questioning his leadership, and/or is unhappy with where the relationship is headed.

If OP isn’t initiating, then she could be unhappy that he’s not touching her. That might be because he’s lost motivation or is distracted, she’s not being feminine or attractive enough so he doesn’t want her, he is not masculine enough, or the relationship has lost the luster, effort, and excitement she once gave it. There are obviously other reasons as well, but if she’s not initiating either, it suggests she’s no longer putting in the effort to keep the relationship healthy.

There are a lot of possible factors behind each of these situations, and probably more reasons why they are not having sex than I’m forgetting. But overall, it points to OP consistently failing tests and arguing over them.

 

[justaroundthecorner]

That makes sense!

I was thinking about what I'm getting out of this relationship, and basically it's just companionship and having someone to talk to. And even that depends on things—when it doesn't turn into a fight.

On the other hand, I'm going on almost four months without having sex with her. She used to say she had a low libido because of childhood trauma (about sexual abuse), and the last time I tried to initiate sex with her was one day when she was cuddling with me and I started kissing her, and she turned to me and said: "Couldn't we just stay like this? Does being close always have to lead to sex?"

I immediately turned to her and said I didn't think that was cool... because it wasn't always, and right then I was just trying to have an intimate moment with her. She acknowledged it and apologized for it... But after that, I simply lost interest. And with the fights, my sexual desire for her ended.

And my libido still exists, because I feel desire when I see attractive women, and when the urge hits, I end up masturbating to some erotic image.

There are the fights, the mental confusion I've been feeling, the financial strain because she earns less and I have to cover certain things (she does help me with essential expenses).

And the fact that in certain arguments, I don't feel heard.

Sorry, missed the sex part in my first post.

There is no relationship if there is no sex unless its due to objective issues like physical health (e.g. sickness, physical health concerns/post partum period etc.) or staying apart due to working conditions. Have a strong calibrating convo with her about it. If she will stay adamant, break up with her and find someone else. If she will bargain with sex, take under consideration that she may be actually not sexually interested in you anymore and just pityfck you to gain time/bargaining power.

You are not her counsellor or platonic friend. She should leave your apartment if her attitude remains in the open convo and start paying rent until she will leave and you are free to have an affair/looking for another girlfriend starting right now.

Nagging gf in sexless relation-s.hit? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt that ended in the trash bin. You don't want such t-shirt.

 

[plumber]

your a long time poster. you know all the stuff and even would advise properly in the past.

i have had exact same pattern before. or very close.

three choices.

1. do nothing and accept it. it really won't get worse or better. over time your going to degrade allot. maybe even to danger levels.

2. get out. exit, no contact. move one. not easy but the fasted path to peace and another chance to get it right. if you do this hang around and discuss how to avoid the same in the future.

3. try to fix it. very difficult. here is how you do it.

from now on and immediately get up and walk away as soon as you hear something you don't like. do not react, do not discuss, get up and go to another room or place. return much later that day or next day. when you return do not discuss, do not look for apology, do not explain. just continue on like nothing happened. repeat every single time you hear what you do not like. be ready.. she will escalate to stronger and stronger to get to you. just follow the plan. it will work but takes some time. she has to unlearn the pattern. if you even once react to her you have to start over. at the same time do not bring any opinion topics. do not share your opinion, do not ask hers. those are the key moments to say something to trigger you. walking away will remove her fuel (your reaction).

what will happen is either she will stop saying stuff you don't like or she will move on. either is good for you.

remember you do not care about her opinion of your actions and activities. she can have her opinion, and she can keep it to herself.

its called boundary enforcement.

if you just can not control your reaction(s) and or walk away then come back and ask for advice on doing that. that is a common problem.

For sure #2 is the sure solution. Everyone will tell you so and many have had to do it. #1 is where you are now.

 

[Blacksheep]

Well, I did it and I broke up. It was weird and I got freeze without knowing what to say.

But she just said she respect it, and thats it.

I started wanting to cry, I said I didnt want it to be that way, and she just said that she understand.

I got emotional and damn, **** me.

She just left and she doesnt show any emotion at all... She was like calm.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Well, I did it and I broke up. It was weird and I got freeze without knowing what to say.

But she just said she respect it, and thats it.

I started wanting to cry, I said I didnt want it to be that way, and she just said that she understand.

I got emotional and damn, **** me.

She just left and she doesnt show any emotion at all... She was like calm.

Not sure if you’re aware of the term killing the puppy, but it basically refers to when a woman behaves in a way that leads you to end the relationship.

It’s not just for women. Some men here have used active dread and poor OPSEC as a passive-aggressive way to get their wives to kill the puppy.

Another way the term is used relates to women who want their men to make the hard choices for them. This can include anything from picking a restaurant to deciding when to pull the plug on a dying family member. Women appreciate men who can be decisive under stress.

Please, Breakup with Me!

The following is an excerpt from the Red Pill Reddit forum I’ve been following recently. I had an emailer ask me to opine about this situation and, for as much as I’d like to brag about…

therationalmale.com