Long Distance?

[ginganinja]

What does the Don Juan think of a Long Distance Relationship? Say he's met an amazing woman who would be worth it if the relationship could stand a year or so apart? Yes, there are infinite women in the sea, but even the veteran knows it's so hard to find a woman who is really special, the perfect 10 in his eyes.

Is a LDR relationship worth it, even with for a 10? If the DJ thinks so, should he ask for it? Or should it be like the first "I love you" or the first time being officially known as gf/bf, where the DJ should wait for the woman to ask?

Anyone with any LDR advice? I've been dating an incredible woman... she and I are both moving from our town soon (end of grad school). We will be across the country from each other. If moving weren't the case, this would be a relationship I would very easily see going somewhere.

I've dated a lot of women, but damn this one is special to me. Worth it? Advice?

 

[Boilermaker]

I don't agree with the premise of discarding an LTR.

That's too much, too bold, and smells too much like the hardcore philosophy some guys perpetuate here.

Practical Don Juan would hold on to it, freeze the assets, arrange sporadic visits (by her preferably) and would still be on the hunt outside.


That's key. She can't be the only "one". Otherwise nothing wrong with having a girl at every other seaport.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I've only known of maybe two LDRs that have worked out. A good mate of mine and his girl have lived 2000km apart for two years and still are really in to each other and go to a lot of effort to see each other as often as possible.

But be prepared for her to ditch your azz because that's how most of these things end. I don't want to be a wet blanket but you really must prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

And it sounds like you're severely pedestalising her. There's no quicker way to make a girl's vagina dry out than to make it very clear that you think she's a goddess and would do anything for her. She'll think it's sooooo sweet that you're so devoted but she won't give a fvck when she's riding the college quarterback's rod six months from now.

Also, how fvcking old are you? I don't know what "grad school" means but does that mean you're 17 or something?

 

[ginganinja]

grad school means graduate school... i'm 27. thanks for the tips

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Ginja,
Boilermaker gives sound advice,still begs the question...If she is a ten,why is she Screwing with you?

 

[ginganinja]

i wouldn't say she would be a ten in everyone's eyes, but she is everything i would want out of a woman on paper, plus she treats me well and we get along well, which makes her a ten in my eyes. I don't believe in a the perfect ten, but I know a good catch when I see one.

I can see where this language may suggest that I'm pedestaling her like greasypig said, but I really don't think so in reality. I'm definitely the dominate one in the relationship, and I know and understand her flaws. Just because you see a woman as an excellent match doesn't mean pedestaling, though I appreciate the caution since it has made me think twice and reassess.

She's not screwing with me. I was just curious if you guys would even consider a LDR, and if so, under what pretexts. I'm not saying I would go with a bunch of strangers' advice on something so personal, but this site has taught me a lot. I'm curious as to what it could offer on this scenario, if anything.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I love hearing of LDRs that work. It's sort of like these people winning the lottery because the vast majority fail.
If you decide to do it, fire every bullet you've got to make it work. But look for signs that she's firing her ammo too.

 

[jhl]

I've seen a lot (>7-10) of successful LDRs that worked out in the end. We're talking as extreme as 5k miles apart 3-7+ years.

The one thing in common about the couples in these relationships is that they are from countries where feminists haven't overturned the cultural roles of males and females.

As great as she may be in your eyes, I would seriously consider these things before you invest too much in the LDR.

1) Character. Is she mega-hypergamous, needy, or flirty person? If so, it's just a matter of time before something goes awry and she ditches you when her options roll around in her new environment.

2) Effort. Are you BOTH putting sincere effort in trying to see each other and keeping contact? When you are talking about that kind of distance, it means that you will be using every last bit of your time to contact her and to meet her. As they all say, "out of sight, out of mind". Couples in every successful LDR I've seen talked for at least 1 hr a day. You guys will be 3 time zones apart, the logistics of setting up a phone call is going to be tough, and because she doesn't get face time with you, she'll expect you to talk on the phone often. Do you have the time and patience for this?

3) Timeline to get back together. The people I know who were able to get through a LDR had a very predictable timeline as to when they would get back together (say 4 years of grad school, training for 1 year). "We'll just see how it goes" or "the logistics show that there is no way we can get together, but we're hoping something will happen" does not bode well for a successful LDR.

 

[jhl]

That's key. She can't be the only "one". Otherwise nothing wrong with having a girl at every other seaport.

I would like to respectfully disagree with this statement. If you have decent career prospects and are focusing on building your career, you will have to pour everything you got to get a coast-to-coast LDR to work.

If you're gonna spread yourself thin and give a 1/2 a** effort might as well end the LDR and spin plates locally because it's a total waste of time otherwise.

 

[PDubb75]

ginga, I'll share my story with you. I met a girl while on vacation. I live in Chicago, she lives on the east coast. When the vacation was over, we kept talking and planned multiple visits to see each other. This eventually turned into an exclusive relationship. Let me tell you man, this girl was everything I ever wanted in a girl and more. I always get blamed for having really high standards, and she far exceeded them. Everyone who knew her, and us, agreed. Things were as close to perfect as I have ever experienced in a relationship. Aside from the huge, glaring issue.. the 800 mile planes rides between us.

At the beginning, we saw each other 4 weekends in a row. We had to start slowing it down, because we just couldn't afford to be doing that every week. But slowing that down didn't hurt us. In fact, I think the relationship might have been even better after that.

jhl nailed it with his 3 key points. #1 was absolutely no issue with us. #3 is ultimately what was the big factor here. We both had jobs in our current cities, and neither was really in a position to just pick up and move. We had no timeline of when, or if, the relationship would become more than long-distance. That topic was the only thing we ever got into any kind of argument on. The fact that #3 was an issue, is what made #2 an issue. It wasn't that we weren't talking enough. In fact, I think we probably talked to much. We talked nearly all day on Google Talk during work, and then for at least an hour each night on the phone. Or on Skype having a bit more fun.

But... the issue with #3 was making her drift a bit. It got to a point where #3 was bothering her so much, she couldn't take it anymore and broke up with me. In all honesty, it was a case of the relationship going too well. I know a lot of people think I'm full of sh!t when I say that, but I'm serious. Things were getting really serious with us and she freaked out about the fact there was no realistic timetable of when this would be more than a LDR. With neither of us able to move, she ended it before we got even more involved. And I'll be honest. It crushed me, and still does. I was willing to keep going with it, but it got to her too much.

You have something in your situation that I did not, and what I think was a huge reason for the down fall. We started out LDR. You at least had a normal relationship and just need to stick it out for a specified time period until you get back to that. Your odds of it working out are much higher. But it takes work. A lot of it. And it sucks. A lot. Just know that going into this. Communication is huge in these situations. Make sure you two talk about this in depth, and make sure she seems just as willing as you to work with it. If you sense any hesitation, I don't see it working.

 

[samspade]

I don't agree with the premise of discarding an LTR.

That's too much, too bold, and smells too much like the hardcore philosophy some guys perpetuate here.

Practical Don Juan would hold on to it, freeze the assets, arrange sporadic visits (by her preferably) and would still be on the hunt outside.


That's key. She can't be the only "one". Otherwise nothing wrong with having a girl at every other seaport.

I agree with this.

I met my wife in Brazil, and we maintained contact for a year before she came to the US. I held onto whatever it was we had, but I made sure there was no confusion: It wasn't exclusive as long as we were farther than 30 miles apart.

She may have had different designs on us, but she accepted that. She visited a couple more times and then moved here. I never entertained the thought of moving "for her" or in anyway turning my life upside down unless it was what I wanted to do. I think this is consistent with the general Frame theory of living your life your way and letting her occupy your world, not the other way around.

As long as you don't make any pledges of exclusivity and you live your life the way you see fit, you can have a "relationship" with a woman who's far away. Just treat distance the same way you would treat time spent together. I'd say it's inversely related to time. The greater the distance = the less time spent together. (Video chat doesn't count.)

 

[speed dawg]

I'm curious as to why she doesn't want to drop everything to be with you? Most likely because she values her education more than you, which is a red flag as crazy as it sounds. A long distance relationship is not a relationship in my mind, especially if there's no defined ending point.

You all are together now, and then you're both going to start new lives in different places indefinitely. WTF? This isn't like you're getting deployed in the military for a finite time period and know you're coming back.

And real DJ veterans know it isn't hard to find good women. They know they can find one the next day. You lack this confidence. Personally, I'd stay in contact with this girl, but definitely less than she contacts you. And I'd start looking for new prospects in your new town.

Read the DJ Bible.

Edited to add some input on PDubb's situation. He was right about jhl, pretty good points. But I still maintain that PDubb's girl held the frame, at least a little more than he did. The only way a guy should follow a girl is if it makes good logical sense, ie she has a high paying job waiting for her and you can work anywhere/want to live in that certain place/etc.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I know a lot of seemingly romantic stories about LDRs that worked. They were also all fvcking other people while apart.

 

[Juan Don]

ldr are hard. real, real hard. you may have someone emotionally but, you're not there physically. having an end date to a LDR to be with each other is very important. if there is none once that person finds someone that can be there for both emotionally and physically, it's all over.

 

[PDubb75]

speed dawg, can't really argue your point about me. I'm not gonna sit here and claim I did everything right in that relationship. The fact of the matter is, I had no idea how to handle LDR. I told myself I would never do one. Also, around when I met her I told myself I didn't want a relationship. I fell hard for this girl, unlike I ever have before. So I no doubt did some things wrong.

But that's also a good point about LDRs in general. They are SO different, that a whole new set of "rules" apply. You will learn things about yourself, and your girl that you would never have known otherwise. That can be a brutal realization. Anyone who tells you this is easy, or even probable, is clueless.

I know that I will never get in another one. Ever. But, OP, I also know the feeling you have for her. So, in all honesty, it might be best for you to try it and figure it out for yourself. We can go on and on about the pros and cons with you here and I'm sure you will strongly consider all of them. But I know damn well, that if you are leaning one direction in your mind, you are gonna choose that side no matter what. But that might be for the best.

 

[Juan Don]

speed dawg, can't really argue your point about me. I'm not gonna sit here and claim I did everything right in that relationship. The fact of the matter is, I had no idea how to handle LDR. I told myself I would never do one. Also, around when I met her I told myself I didn't want a relationship. I fell hard for this girl, unlike I ever have before. So I no doubt did some things wrong.

But that's also a good point about LDRs in general. They are SO different, that a whole new set of "rules" apply. You will learn things about yourself, and your girl that you would never have known otherwise. That can be a brutal realization. Anyone who tells you this is easy, or even probable, is clueless.

I know that I will never get in another one. Ever. But, OP, I also know the feeling you have for her. So, in all honesty, it might be best for you to try it and figure it out for yourself. We can go on and on about the pros and cons with you here and I'm sure you will strongly consider all of them. But I know damn well, that if you are leaning one direction in your mind, you are gonna choose that side no matter what. But that might be for the best.

it's true what he's saying. i have been in an ldr too. only you know how much that girl is worth to you. at least if you go through it all you don't have that burning question at the end "what if".

 

[st_99]

I think there are a minority of girls it may work with. The kind that are sort of non social and don't mind being alone.

The desirable girls that are pretty, fun and outgoing? Forget it, they simply can't stand to be alone too long and no guy in the
world can override that.

 

[jhl]

But... the issue with #3 was making her drift a bit. It got to a point where #3 was bothering her so much, she couldn't take it anymore and broke up with me. In all honesty, it was a case of the relationship going too well. I know a lot of people think I'm full of sh!t when I say that, but I'm serious. Things were getting really serious with us and she freaked out about the fact there was no realistic timetable of when this would be more than a LDR. With neither of us able to move, she ended it before we got even more involved. And I'll be honest. It crushed me, and still does. I was willing to keep going with it, but it got to her too much.

Most people cannot tolerate unpredictability. Everything must be analyzable. Damn be it whether or not it's an accurate predictor of anything or not. People do this for stock market price movement predictions, the weather, or what not. They are wrong about as much as they are right (if not more) and people STILL want it. That's how funny the human mind works.

I don't know how long your LDR lasted, but let me take a stab and say it was 1 year. I bet you, if you and your ex had a VERY CRYSTAL clear 2 year plan as to how to get together, you probably wouldn't have suffered such issues. Never mind that it's twice as long and prone to things going wrong, it's just that it's predictable.

As for the OP, if you're super serious of going through a LDR and have no timeline, I would strongly advise you to set up milestones (short and long term goals) that would at least put some level of predictability into the whole LDR. This makes her and you feel that you are getting closer to your final goal..and that is why it's so important.

For example, if you and she have some short term goals (like finishing up some training or getting work experience so you can move to another position), you should focus on that first and take it one step at a time. If she starts talking about things outside of the scope it is your responsibility as a man to maintain absolute composure and the frame and make SURE she focuses on the short term goal (because if you can't get the short term goal done then there is no future). Once you reach the milestone, then move onto the next. If things go sh*t then you have to adjust to the situation at hand and come up with alternate plans. Even the highest quality women out there are gonna throw fits when the situation goes tumultuous so you better i mean better be able to keep your composure and maintain the frame and calm her down.

 

[JCballin88]

I've tried and failed LDR's three times; 2/3 had miserable messy endings to them.

Later looked back on all three laughing about why I tried to become so invested in a chick light-years away when I had tons all around me

 

[SoSuave666]

Never ever ever ever do it. It ruins relationships. You know who can stay in LDRs? Nutjobs who never socialize with anyone or go out. You know who can never make an LDR work? Normal people.

The only two relationships I have ever been in were BOTH long distance. They both ended. Luckily one was salvageable (cordial towards each other), but the other was downright a brutal break up. You have to make MAJOR sacrifices in order to be in an LDR. From nights out, to money, to time, to your sanity. Literally everything is strained. Seeing someone once a month or whatever is NOT a relationship. You'll never know whether or not she is seeing someone else.

Honestly, LDRs must have a success rate of like 6%. I know exactly why I got in mine. I thought like I wasn't getting a fair shot at a relationship with the women of my dreams. I felt like someone was taking something from me that they shouldn't have had control over. Everything was out of my control except for the girl. I thought if I could hang on to her I would keep my sanity. It really killed me when I broke up with the first girl and when I got broken up with the second time. When you get in a LDR you invest your money in the girl and she knows it. It's pretty much the largest AFC move of all time. Honestly what could sound worse? "Sure honey I'll hold off on sex while talking to you on the phone and skyping every night." You become an emotional tampon. Gross dude. Just don't do it.