Long Distance Troubles/ IL dropping already?

[Vespoli]

So I've been in a relationship with this girl for 3 months. (Not to long, but I had been seeing her for almost 6). It was her idea to finally becoming exclusive, though we had been doing so for about 2 months into us seeing each other.


Okay so, she left about 15 days ago to go to California for 7 weeks.

Pretty much since then contact between us has been fading. I've tried to maintain in contact with her, through (skype, texting). But she stops replying to my text messages, after about 1 or two. Even if I outright ask a question. The past 4 days, I haven't initiated anything, because frankly Ive been doing it and she hasn't been putting the effort that Id expect. So all in all the last time ive spoken to her, (more than two texts), was almost 8 days ago. We havent talked at all. I figured I'd let her have her space, and Ive been trying to find other women to occupy me but it's alot more difficult then I remember, especially since most of my friends know she is my girlfriend and have questioned me.


Honestly, this is really starting to make me angry. Yeah I know, a DJ should be alot cooler about these things, but I can be a little hotheaded sometimes.


Now, I'd like to mention something about this to her, because I'm not happy about the effort she's putting in.(Before this it was her that had been doing most of the contacting).


So I know we are going to talk soon, either she will intiate or I will, and this is my question.

What would you do in this situation?

I dont want to just act like everything is fine and dandy, but I dont want to come off as insecure either. (which this post is kinda making me seem like, but hey thats what this forum is for right?)

So yeah that's my dilemma, should I bother mentioning anything? Or is this just something small that I should ignore?

 

[Kailex]

Don't mention anything.

And I think it's time for you to start dating other women. She's out having the time of her life in California and you are at home worrying about her. Trust me, in OUR minds, we're exclusive and will try to be faithful... in her mind, she's in another state so: out of sight, out of mind.

She'll probably come back from California as Lil Miss Faithful, as if she had been busy ALL the time.

LDR's are TERRIBLE.

Time to spin some plates or find some other activities to do. You're worried because you have nothing better to do than to be worried. Go out alone, forget bringing your friends along... you sound young, so who cares if your friends question you or not... your REAL friends would understand that she's making it hard for you to communicate and keep a closed and exclusive relationship.

She probably sees the 7 weeks as a deadline for her own fun while you see it as a welcome back to your fun.

Screw that, life is too short to spend worrying about stuff like this.

 

[Jeffst1980]

8 days?? Come on, man.

If you want to hang on to any power you have left, you'll call her right now and end it. You don't even have to give a concrete reason; just say you aren't happy with this relationship. A girlfriend should be calling YOU everyday; you shouldn't have to chase her down.

You are not being insecure or hotheaded here. She is not upholding her end of the deal and clearly does not want to be in a relationship. Don't hold out hope that this was all some big mixup/ lost phone issue--if she valued you, she would MAKE SURE she got in touch with you.

It's gonna end either way, and if you're the one to call it off, you will hopefully generate enough interest that she will want to look you up when she comes back. Of course, hopefully by then you'll meet a new girl that doesn't pull a disappearing act.

Where there's smoke, there's fire, so when you sense that her IL has dropped, breaking up with her is the ONLY WAY to get it back up.

 

[Ease]

8 days?? Come on, man.

If you want to hang on to any power you have left, you'll call her right now and end it. You don't even have to give a concrete reason; just say you aren't happy with this relationship. A girlfriend should be calling YOU everyday; you shouldn't have to chase her down.

You are not being insecure or hotheaded here. She is not upholding her end of the deal and clearly does not want to be in a relationship. Don't hold out hope that this was all some big mixup/ lost phone issue--if she valued you, she would MAKE SURE she got in touch with you.

It's gonna end either way, and if you're the one to call it off, you will hopefully generate enough interest that she will want to look you up when she comes back. Of course, hopefully by then you'll meet a new girl that doesn't pull a disappearing act.

Where there's smoke, there's fire, so when you sense that her IL has dropped, breaking up with her is the ONLY WAY to get it back up.

How counter-intuitive. Why would you dump a girl to ger her interest back up? Dumping is the last move at the end of the road.

When there's smoke, there's fire indeed. Low interest is one of those things that leave you powerless. There's nothing you can do apart from not care. Sometimes it passes, sometimes it leads to the end.

Any mention of anything to her will make you come across as insecure and weak. If you even acknowledge that you're talking less and less, she will get the reaction she's looking for. Once she gets the reaction, she will confirm that you are missing her more than she is missing you, your interest problem will get worse.

Its hard to meet new girls sometimes, but it's not a valid reason to stay in a bad position. You need to do the right thing and socialize again. Tell anyone that asks that 'its complicated' between you and your gf.

 

[Vespoli]

Thank you all for the quick responses, but now I am a little confused.

The one thing I did get was that I will NOT mention anything to her. I also need to start looking for other women.


About the relationship? I should or should not be attempting to break up with her?

Im confused on how leaving her can bring IL back?


But It's a hard pill to swallow for me knowing that this relationship is on it's last leg.

 

[Kailex]

Vespoli, how old are you? First of all.

Second, 8 days with little to no contact? A woman with high IL would never let you go that long without at least calling you. Trust me, she obviously doesn't care too much about the relationship OR she thinks she has you in the palm of her hand. Any woman with high IL would be wondering what the hell you've been doing that you two haven't talked in 8 days.

For women with HIGH IL 8 days without contact with their boyfriends is 8 YEARS woman time.

Not contacting her is obviously NOT working because she can easily go 8 days and not care about even giving you a 5 minute contact.

You want to bet that she keeps this up and then when she comes back, she'll be all over you again?

Right now she has OPTIONS over there. Back home, you were pretty much IT.

Hard to read and digest, maybe. But it's the truth.

Don't say anything to her. It's not worth it.
Just go out... game... have fun... spend your summer wisely and NOT worrying about this. I get the feeling that you are in late teens or early 20's... and I can already make this gamble: She will not be LTR material for long.

There will be better women in the future. Believe me.

If you believe that this will go absolutely nowhere, then break it off NOW for your sanity. Forget her feelings, forget what she says.

 

[iliketennis]

a woman doesn't want a guy as weak and insecure as you're acting right now

you have to make her think in her mind that YOU are the prize. not by telling her that. but by your actions. stop talking to her. do other things.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Vespoli: You need to dump her as a pre-emptive strike. Right now, she is distancing herself from you emotionally; this is what girls do when they are about to break up with someone. You are already out of sight; now she has put you out of mind. It's difficult to accept this, but it has less to do with you and more to do with her being away for 7 weeks. LDR's rarely work, and if she's young and social, it's going to be impossible to keep her interest from afar.

As for the reason dumping her will increase interest level: Think about what happens after a girl dumps you. Do you forget about her, or do you start thinking about her obsessively? Most guys would choose the latter. And that's just GUYS. Which gender do you think has a stronger emotional response to being dumped??

The main thing is not to dump her out of anger, but instead do it rather coolly, as though you just want to play the field right now. This will allow you to save face in the situation, because NO CONFIDENT MAN would allow their girlfriend to go 8 days without contacting them. It's a huge slap in the face - here you are, trying to give her what she needs to keep the relationship afloat, and she doesn't want to even THINK about you.

I've been there before, and it feels WAY better to be the dumper than the dumpee. If you dump her, you at least have the option of getting back with her when she comes back (if that's what you want).

 

[Vespoli]

Vespoli, how old are you? First of all.

Second, 8 days with little to no contact? A woman with high IL would never let you go that long without at least calling you. Trust me, she obviously doesn't care too much about the relationship OR she thinks she has you in the palm of her hand. Any woman with high IL would be wondering what the hell you've been doing that you two haven't talked in 8 days.

For women with HIGH IL 8 days without contact with their boyfriends is 8 YEARS woman time.

Not contacting her is obviously NOT working because she can easily go 8 days and not care about even giving you a 5 minute contact.

You want to bet that she keeps this up and then when she comes back, she'll be all over you again?

Right now she has OPTIONS over there. Back home, you were pretty much IT.

Hard to read and digest, maybe. But it's the truth.

Don't say anything to her. It's not worth it.
Just go out... game... have fun... spend your summer wisely and NOT worrying about this. I get the feeling that you are in late teens or early 20's... and I can already make this gamble: She will not be LTR material for long.

There will be better women in the future. Believe me.

If you believe that this will go absolutely nowhere, then break it off NOW for your sanity. Forget her feelings, forget what she says.

I am 18, and going on 19 in November. She is a month older then me.

I see what your saying though, and it really makes sense. It's just tough to see that its ending like this, because prior she was the one who was consistently contacting me. Before she left she even told me multiple times, "Dont forget about me".

Thank you for your advice, Im going to think this over and talk to some of my friends, (hopefully to find something to distract me), and I will do waht Jeff has advised me because it also makes alot of sense.

As, for the question if I see this going anywhere, I REALLY thought this was something special, because it wasnt forced and I truly care about her. In fact, I had a previous girlfriend in Hs for about a year and I never even considered telling her I loved her, even though she told me multiple times. For this girl, before she left I almost told her I did but then I stopped. I think she knew and seemed a little disappointed. I feel the girl should say it first.

But as I read the advice here, I'm really starting to get angry. 8 days is a fcvking long time, and I need to stop wasting my time because as both you and Jeff stated, she has Options which I don't. (atm)


I will post back soon with the results of this dilemma, at this point I'm leaning towards just ending it completely tonight. But again, I'm really going to think this through.


Thanks Kailex, and thanks Jeff, as well as Ease for the very very good advice.