Long distance relationships

[volkme68]

I know they don't work, things get boring, and all that.I met this girl a while ago. She is gorgeous and an absolute blast to be around. Very intelligent. We hooked up and have spent the last two weekends together. Unfortunately, she lives 8 hours away, otherwise she would be the kind of girl I would get serious with.

She is coming back in about two weeks for a little vacation after finals. As things are now, with work and school, one of us ends up at the other's place every couple of weekends. Niether of us wants to be in a long distance relationship, but enjoy the chemistry and sex alot. I know I am starting to get oneitis, but I am still gaming other chicks as well, and she is free to meet other guys. I am sure that if I pushede for a relationship, she would dive right in, but I know it would work do to the logistics.

In some ways this is a benefit, because the distance and my lifestyle/location provide a lot of excitement and mystery, along with adventure and natural scarcity. On the other hand, this girl is awesome. I know she is not the only girl out there but I don't really care.

When we are done with school, things may be a different story. Right now, I want to try to keep the door open for a relationship in the future, when it may be more feasible, but I don't want to commit to a actual relationship that is statisticly doomed to fail. How do I keep from falling into the BF role, while still staying fresh and exciting and an integral part of her sexual life?

 

[KontrollerX]

Hold your ground.

Be honest about where you and she stand.

If she tries to press you for more with threat of cutting off contact from you completely if you don't give in to the boyfriend role then thats just the way it goes.

Make it clear to her that you and she are just having fun and enjoying eachother now and if she hangs around there may be potential for the BF/GF thing after you both are done with school but if not that is cool too.

Above all and again I say do not fall into the trap of letting a chick win a power play over you.

Be consistent with what you want as a man with a clear direction for the both of you.

 

[volkme68]

We have both been honest with eachother and are on the same page. However, we txt and talk on the phone quite a bit. I try to keep it short and entertaining, but I can foresee us talking more and more about things, like what went on during her day, or who did this. Where is the line between faliing in a BF role, and giving her some comfort/protection. If i avoid these types of convos entirely, she will eventually look for some one else, but if I talk about how her day was and mine and start talking more and more, I risk the whole BF role, or worse LJBF. What are exclusive BF topics versus ones to talk about as a FB or friend with benifits?

 

[volkme68]

bump

 

[MotownMack]

I think you're over thinking this.

If you've both decided that it's not going to go beyond the FWB situation you have right now (and it does sound like thats what it is), then you need to stop stressing on how you handle it in order to keep things going. Because as it stands right now, it sounds like it could end at any time, no matter what you do.

You have essentially two choices:

1) Take it to the next level
or
2) Enjoy it while it lasts.

I'd pick 2.

 

[PRMoon]

Don't worry about this so much. You're obviously good at maintaining the relationship from afar anyway. You can keep singing her songs about a relationship for years and she'll eat it up no problem. Girls are not like guys. They'll do things that we would find unaccpetable were the positions switched. If a girl has had sex with you on several occasions with no solid commitment other then "baby I love you, if things were different we'd be together" then aside from psychiatric intervention, only you can pry her loose from your side. She can get married have kids and three years down the line, you can convince her to have a divorce if you play your cards right.

The big question is what do you want out of this relationship. You obviously have the power so what are you going to do with it? I know my professional life comes before my social/romantic life under all circumstances. It may not be the same for you. How much do you want this person? Careful your decision because the sentance for anything is life...A fit choice in my mind but it kills others.

 

[MacAvoy]

Here's my advice and it won't be popular. If you want enter a LDR with her but don't be exclusive but make her think your being exclusive. This won't work though if she's already part of your social circle.

What my suggestion does is gets you the benefits of a LTR and the benefits of being single with virtually a tiny minute chance of getting caught. Its the best of both worlds. Plus when the LDR fails, you won't feel like a chump for wasting your time with a pretend g/f like everyone on here always talks about LDR's being.

But you have to be comfortable with yourself doing this for it to work as well.

 

[Magma]

I have had one LDR in my lifetime. And I call it a "relationship" loosely. I will give you advice from what I know from that experience.

I met this chick while visiting friends in Seattle. Met her at the bar. Things were great, exchanged email, flirted, kissed, that was it. The problem was, she lived in Vancouver, BC and was just in the city to shop. Got the occasional email and it escalated over time. Made plans to meet her the next time I visited my buds.

We realized the reality of the situation, and I didn't want to be in a LDR with a girl in ANOTHER COUNTRY. She was cool with it, but we continued to have sex when we saw each other and emailed quite often. We vibed really well, and just kind of had an understanding about the situation. After awhile, it just kind of fizzled out. No big deal. We still email on occasion to this day, as a matter of fact, and I consider her a good friend.

Just be honest with her about the situation. I think you'll be surprised about how open she is to this...

...or you could just lie while boning other chicks. If you're open and honest with her, hopefully you can avoid lying. Deceit has it's place, but not here imo.

I'm not sure if my story helped out or not. Sorry if it's no help. Good luck to you sir.

 

[SexPDX]

I am in a long distance relationship now, and MUCH further away than 8 hours I'll tell you that much. I NEVER, EVER, EVER thought I would get into one but this is a very special situation and an awesome woman and if you ask anyone who has been around here long enough to remember me and they'll tell you I've been around the block a time or two.

All people are different and every situation is unique, especially with this kind of situation, so it's up to you and her to create a situation that will work for both of you, or if that can happen at all.

My girl and I have an understanding that while we are apart we can have sex with other people but we have agreed neither to volunteer such information nor ask the other if they are doing such a thing. That's just being realistic and also considerate of the other person's feelings. Neither one of us wants to imagine the other with someone else but deep down we both know that if that happens (and it's bound to in the circumstances) it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with how we feel about each other. And if we did meet someone else and feel that it was something that changed the situation we would talk about it at that point, otherwise mum's the word.

Not to be judgemental, but I disagree with those advising you to lie to her. In my opinion it will not be a relationship worth having under those conditions. Not only is she not there, but you are feeding her lines of BS over the phone? What do you really get out of that? Some people might be okay with it, so I suppose only you can decide if that's the route for you.

I say be totally honest about EVERYTHING, except those things which you may agree not to talk about, as in my situation. Whatever kind of relationship you end up having with her it will be a better one that way.

-PDX

 

[Leporello]

Amor de lejos es para pendejos!

That said, some distance is good, to avoid smothering each other. Ideally, I think you would live 20 minutes apart and (almost) never randomly run into each other.

 

[DonGorgon]

Long distance relationships - have a higher rate is dysfunction and failure

 

[MacAvoy]

Not to be judgemental, but I disagree with those advising you to lie to her. In my opinion it will not be a relationship worth having under those conditions. Not only is she not there, but you are feeding her lines of BS over the phone? What do you really get out of that? Some people might be okay with it, so I suppose only you can decide if that's the route for you.

-PDX

I'm sorry to say but you are being judgemental. I got a great relationship out of it. She also got a great relationship out of it. Lying doesn't make me a bad person.

 

[SexPDX]

I'm sorry to say but you are being judgemental. I got a great relationship out of it. She also got a great relationship out of it. Lying doesn't make me a bad person.

Well, good for the two of you if that's true. Whether or not lying makes someone a bad person is off-topic, so I won't comment on that.

I really wasn't trying to be judgemental when I asked "what do you get out of that?" It was a rhetorical question that was meant to express that *I* personally would not get anything worthwhile out of that and also to prompt the original poster to think about whether or not that would be fulfulling to him.

Anyway, he has now had the opportunity to hear several different points of view and will hopefully be able to determine what is best for him.

 

[Mavrick]

You don't need to be the one pushing for a more serious relationship. The woman needs to be the one to do that. Until that happens, just keep things going along the way they are.

Remember that school is of the utmost importance to you and no woman comes in between that. I had to live by that rule while I was in college. If it got too hot, I had to get out unfortunately.

 

[Mavrick]

Duplicate post.

 

[MacAvoy]

Whether or not lying makes someone a bad person is off-topic, so I won't comment on that.

Its not off topic, it goes to the foundation of what I recommended which is on topic. However we can both agree that its not for everybody, it takes a strong person to be able to undertake this method correctly and maybe I should stop being so liberal in who I give it to.

I just think there is more upside to it and it prevents a guy from massively wasting his time. For the most part, its a well known fact that LDR's don't work, you and I are the minority.

The reason why I give the advice is about mental game and teaching a man to protect himself while still getting out there and still loving.

You only get one heart.

One to a customer. But you keep treating your heart like an enemy instead of a friend.

Would you let a friend get hurt time and time again without protecting your friend?

I think not.

So why do you keep leaving yourself wide open and leave your heart to take all the blows?

It's sad that we spend years and years doing this to ourselves.

Love is not like a courtroom.
Women are all guilty of NON-interest until they PROVE it to you by showing CONSISTANTLY good behavior.

Otherwise you do not connect.

No excuses, no cancellations, no run-arounds, no 'I'm not ready for a relationship' NO 'give me time'.

Love the way you want it or they must be weeded out.

Love the way YOU want it. Sounds great huh? Get used to it Don Juan.

Grow a backbone TODAY. It's NO to bringing a friend along on the date. It's NO to rude behavior. It's NO to "I have to check my schedule". It's NO to "give me your number".

You lead, they must follow. For a few months. Then you can get 'mutual' if you choose. That's "IF" you choose.

Protect the only part of your body that loves you:

YOUR HEART.

Thanks for listening.

AD

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

It's time to let go of your invisible friend.

There is no such thing as an LDR, because you have no relationship. An LDR simply does not meet the criteria necessary for it to be considered a relationship. There is no reciprocity of anything more than words passing over a phone line or an IM text. Understand me here – you have no relationship. You have self-assumed accountability, self-assumed liability and internalized responsibilities to be loyal to this person, to fidelity to this idealization, and dropping what everyone outside of your LDR will regularly tell you is insanity, is a personal affront and anathema to this stupid and most insidious form of ONEitis.

LDRs are the most easily identifiable form of ONEitis and it would be laughable if it weren't so damaging to a guy's life progression. The LDR man would sacrifice years of his life in this pitiable effort to pursue his 'soulmate' across the planet or even a hundred miles away. The very thought of refuting the idea that an LDR can work is equal to denying his belief this stupid, fantasized ONEitis fueled idealization that he's swallowed for the better part of his life. It’s easy to criticize an LDR in the terms of questioning either party's earnestness and fidelity in entertaining an LDR and this is usually the tact that most people giving advice on LDRs follow. One or both parties are or will 'cheat' on the other over the course of time, its true, but LDRs are far more telling of a mentality that results in much more damaging consequences as a result of deeply conditioned self-expectations and fears.

I can't begin to list the number of otherwise intelligent and ambitious men I’ve known who've drastically altered the course of their lives to follow their ONE. Men who've changed their majors in college, who've selected or switched universities, men who've applied for jobs in states they would never have considered, accepted jobs that are sub-standard to their ambitions or qualifications, men who've renounced former religions and men who've moved across the planet all in an effort to better accommodate an idealized woman with whom they've played pseudo-boyfriend over the course of an LDR only to find that she wasn't the person they thought she was and were depressive over the gravity that their decisions played in their lives.

An LDR is akin to a LJBF, but writ large and festering in a man's life. You play surrogate boyfriend, voluntarily accepting and internalizing all of the responsibilities and accountabilities of being a woman's exclusive, monogamous partner with no expectation of reciprocating intimacy or sexuality. It is the ideal situation for a woman in the same manner a Booty Call is for a man - all sex with no expectations of monogamy or commitment. However an LDR is worse than a LJBF arrangement since it pervasively locks a man into a success or failure mentality with regards to the relationship actually being legitimate. Afterall, she's agreed to be his girlfriend (from miles away) and if he's the one to falter it's his lack of perseverance in this silly ONEitis ego-investment that dooms them. Once the LDR inevitably ends he's the one left with the self-doubt, he's the one beating himself up over wasting time, money and effort and he's the one feeling guilty whether he or she is the 'cheater'.

An LDR is like having an invisible friend with whom you're constantly considering the course of your actions with. Consider the personal, romantic, familial, educational, ambition-wise, business-wise, personally maturity and growth opportunities that you've limited yourself from or never had a chance to experience because of this invisible friend. When you finally divorce yourself from this invisible friend, will it have all been worth it? Guys cling to LDRs because they've yet to learn, in POOK's inimitable words, that Rejection is better than Regret. AFCs will nurse along an LDR for years because it seems the better option when compared with actually going out and meeting new women who are potential rejection. They think its better to stick with the 'sure thing' than risk possible rejection, but it's the long term regret that is the inevitable result of an LDR that is life damaging. Nothing reeks of desperation or verifies a lack of confidence more than a guy who self-righteously proclaims he's in an LDR. Women see you coming a mile off, because you are a guy without options. In fact the only reason a man entertains an LDR is due to a lack of options. If you had more plates spinning an LDR would never look like a good idea. And finally, I'm sure I'll see the "not in my case" defense posted here about how you actually DO see your invisible friend once every 4 or six months. To this I'll say again, what opportunities are you censoring yourself from experiencing by playing house with a woman you only see this often? Do you honestly think you're the exception to the rule?

 

[Magma]

My girl and I have an understanding that while we are apart we can have sex with other people but we have agreed neither to volunteer such information nor ask the other if they are doing such a thing.

Not to be judgemental, but I disagree with those advising you to lie to her. In my opinion it will not be a relationship worth having under those conditions. Not only is she not there, but you are feeding her lines of BS over the phone? What do you really get out of that? Some people might be okay with it, so I suppose only you can decide if that's the route for you.

I say be totally honest about EVERYTHING, except those things which you may agree not to talk about, as in my situation. Whatever kind of relationship you end up having with her it will be a better one that way.

-PDX

Not trying to stir the pot or anything, but isn't that "lying by ommission" in a way? I'm curious, did the two of you actually sit down and verbalize this "understanding" to each other? That's how it was with me and my LDR (again, using "relationship" loosely). I had sex with other women too, but we never discussed it. Realistically, one cannot expect the other to remain celibate.

But I agree in the broader sense that you shouldn't overtly lie to her when asked.

PDX, sounds as if you're situation is kind of "Don't ask, don't tell."

 

[Jeffst1980]

I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with Rollo on this situation, although a great deal of his post rings true.

Why should the OP "let go" of her? It's pretty clear that he's being rational about this and not pursuing a relationship with her solely. If he enjoys spending time with her, why shouldn't he continue this arrangement in which he clearly holds the power?

LDRs will definitely wreak havoc on an AFC. An AFC will do all the things you described and harbor unrealistic expectations about the relationship. However, the OP is not approaching this from the perspective of neediness. I think if the girl is truly into him, he could maintain this open arrangement indefinitely without having to give a firm commitment. Inevitably, she'll push for more commitment, but if he stands his ground while still demonstrating that he cares about her, she's not gonna call it quits anytime soon. Girls with high interest will break a lot of their own rules to be with you, even in a somewhat limited form.

Personally, I think LDRs are great as long as both parties set realistic ground rules. I don't think I'd be willing to enter one exclusively for a great length of time (so maybe I'm referring to LDFWB!), but if it's with an awesome girl, why wouldn't I keep that door open? Is it wrong to prefer spending a weekend visiting a high quality girl a few hours away over going out sarging and, most likely, meeting lower quality girls? I think a Don Juan does what makes him happiest.

 

[volkme68]

I agree with Jefst1980. She is a blast to hang out with. Lying isn't an issue guys, I just won't do it. I need to clarify this- I don't really want a LDR, things are just starting to swing that way. Distance is really the only factor, though, otherwise it would be a different story. I understand that "cheating is almost a certainty in an LDR, especially if I submit to one. That is why I want to avoid it and keep things as they are for now. But how am I supposed to show her that I don't want to commit to a LDR without burning any bridges?