" Long Distance Relationship " --Would appreciate any advice?

[GorillaPimp]

What's up DJ,
My question is I have weeded out alot of girls in the past 4 years and finally I meet the one who fits the criteria...Phyically she is beautiful, smart(Just got accepted to Yale Law School), Great Attitude, Humorous, She is just as thrilled to be w/ me as I am to be w/ her, extremely giving(She is always doing things for me)...Sex is incredible...Everything is great...I'm steadily applying doc loves system...We have been dating for 5 months and she is going to leave in about 2 months for the bomb internship in Philly...She will be there for 2 years...She will be taking classes in addition to the internship..She declined Yale temporaily until she finished this program..Then its off to law school...She told me she was in a a simiar situation w/ her ex when he moved back to his hometown and she put all the effort into traveling to see him and even offered to pay his way so he could see her....I would be willing to make that sacrifice...She would be in Philly and I will be in Detroit, Michigan....I was thinking about if we could set a goal of once a month..That would be realistic..She said money is not an issue for her and its really not too much of issue for me right now...Plus there is a possiblity that I may go to school down there in a year...So...What do you think about this situation? Possible..

 

[GorillaPimp]

Long Distance Relationship..

I just wanted to add that her ex didn't put any effort into seeing her but I would...

 

[Starman]

dude long distance relationships rarely work. I learned the hard way. Its too much work..and not being physically there with the person..eventually makes them open to other people in their area getting closer.

additionally, there are soo many dynamics that come into play when you arent together..like trust "Why didnt you return my fone calls? who were you with ? are you seing someone else?"

and it could drive you nuts wondering..and driving the other person away.

eventually, one person will find another person that lives near them..and the other person winds up getting hurt (typically the male)

I would either go with her if you really like her..or put the relationship on hold..tese types of relationships dont bloom.

 

[ds28]

LDRs are problematic and can create alot of strain - especially if you've got feelings for her. Depends what you're looking for really - whether its just dating, a casual relationship or possibly something more serious.

Statistics will tell you that long distance relationships don't work, but there are always the few exceptions. Problem is, while in such a relationship, everyone believes they are that exception. Age is also a factor because the the younger that you or she is - I guess both of you are about late teens / early 20s - the less likely the both are realistically going to make major commitments to each other (although I'm sure you're going to tell me I'm wrong here.) If you're young, reality says that both are you at your 'sowing your oats' stage, so the odds of you guys maintaining an LDR during 3/4 years with her away at law school aren't great. The amount of time that you've been seing her will also be a factor on whether the LDR will work - the shorter the time that you've known her, the less likely that LDR will work because you've haven't had the time to build up any *real* intimacy.

Don't get fixated on the outcome to this one, because you can set yourself up for a fall. I might be wrong on this but there are some early symptoms of oneitis in your post. Irrespective of whether or not she's actually with you remember to live YOUR life, be the best person yYOU can be and let the chips fall where they may, whether its with or without her in your life.

BTW, alot of the DJ principles - challenge, pull back, not chatting on the phone etc etc - either don't work or have to be varied when it comes to LDRs.

For whats its worth here are my views on LDRs (as opposed to long distance dating / fvck buddy / casual situations):-

1. Depends how often you're going to see each other, but if she's away for long periods of time, then alot of reasonably regular communication. Phone calls, emails, online chats, letters etc Every contact with her, you're really have to be on top form because out of sight really is out of mind......
2. Alot of trust and commitment to each other and being prepared to flexible to accomodate each other for visits etc. For example, if she turns up for a weekend and you've got plans with the boys, what are you going to do?
3. Some sort of mutual understanding between the both of you as to what you're going to do when you're away from each other. You will meet girls, and she will meet guys. You both have needs. What's going to happen in those circumstances? This should be something she should raise rather than you.
4. Travelling to see each other as often as you can but without bending over backwards for her or becoming her supplicating lapdog.
5. Each of you having a sense of completeness and maturity without the other. Each of you having a full, supportive, nurturing life without the other - friends, family, activities, things to do etc Your life should'nt revolve around her and your happiness shouldn't be dependent solely on her. You should have other things in your life that make you tick when she's not around. A job that you enjoys, friends, social life, family etc
6. Both of you need to be hooked into the present and not have a tendancy to dream about a future that's never happened eg. when you'll meet each other, she'll say this, I'll say that, it will be like this etc You need to be wary about doing anything that might 'set you up for a fall' or leave you disappointed in the future.
7. Being best friends. Genuine compatibililty, commonality, mutual interests, mutual friends, similar life experiences. Romance and lust alone (although both very useful!) won't be enough.

I'm not so sure if any of what I've just said is particuarly practical, helpful but just be aware that LDRs can create alot of strain and require a very different mindset to non-LDRs. Ask youself this: If you take the lust, physical attraction etc would both of you *really* get on well with each other?

 

[diplomatic_lies]

Do you want to see the girl once a month at the most inconvenient times?

Do you want her to start calling you up all the time?

Do you want to go out with her, but remember she lives ages away?


Take it from a guy who's done a long-distance relationship once. Its terrible. Unless you're mature (over 30), or have plenty of spare time, a LDR will eat at your time and energy.

 

[trueplayaz]

You want some honest advice. I've stood where you are two years ago: DON'T EVEN BOTHER. Its a waste of time.

 

[Legend]

I thought things would work out between me and this girl i got real close with during school. Everyday we did things and then school lets out and it seems like the calling and hanging out is slowly coming to an end. It sorta sucks, but thats life.

You have to realize that there are tons of girls out there....and school does start up again, i'm not making the same mistake in giving her my time. All i really care about now is what makes me happy not other people. LDR dont work and never will.

 

[Umbra]

Tried it once. I loved her very much. She loved me very much. Still didn't work.

 

[ShortTimer]

Originally posted by trueplayaz
You want some honest advice. I've stood where you are two years ago: DON'T EVEN BOTHER. Its a waste of time.

what he said

 

[Starman]

I actually found this site..because of a LDR that went downhill..this chick was totally into me..and I really liked her. She was gorgeous, funny, smart, everything I was looking for..but she was in a different state..and we met up like once a month.

After about 2 years of doing this (i did my own thing..she hers) it just went sour..and we both eventually found someone else..

but that "What if" still bothers me even today...Its not worth the hassle.