Long distance girl - finally meeting after months. How do I escalate QUICKLY?

[devildriver1]

Hello all!

First of all I know long distance stuff isn't recommended by any DJ, but I'm in too deep to back out of this "relationship" now and could use some advice.

Long story short - I've been talking to a girl online for months now, and she's finally coming to stay with me for a month. I won't bore you trying to justify that we have any kind of serious relationship yet since we haven't even met, but suffice it to say that both of us acknowledge that we are almost certainly going to have sex.

I think sex on the first day is a great idea. I think sex can eradicate awkwardness and make two people feel instantly "closer" - it would make the whole visit a lot less painless if we "got it over with", so to speak.

However, she is getting increasingly nervous as the date approaches and has started to show it - she's talking about how she "doubts" we will have sex within the first few days, and how she doesn't think things will go that fast between us. I'll be straight with you guys - I do want to have sex with her on the first day - who wouldn't? Add to this the fact that she has (in the past, before this nervousness) expressed exactly the same desire, and also the fact that we will be sleeping in the same bed (in a hotel room) for the first week, I really think sex is inevitable within the first few days.

SO my question to you isn't really how to get into her pants - since I'd probably be able to get that far eventually by myself. The question I'd like some advice on is how do I get into her pants on the first night sleeping in the same bed as her? Or alternatively - how do I escalate QUICKLY?

I've read much material on kino escalation etc. etc. but please bear in mind that this situation is slightly different - the "relationship" background and much of the psychological comfort zones are already there. There is already a good framework laid for us having sex - we're both already pretty sure we're going to do it. The only missing piece is the physical one.

So with this in mind, how do I push her past this last minute nervousness, past all the drama and emotions and fear that will naturally come with finally meeting your long-distance love, and get access to her pants as soon as possible?

Sincere thanks.

 

[Igetit!]

Hello all!

First of all I know long distance stuff isn't recommended by any DJ, but I'm in too deep to back out of this "relationship" now and could use some advice.

Long story short - I've been talking to a girl online for months now, and she's finally coming to stay with me for a month. I won't bore you trying to justify that we have any kind of serious relationship yet since we haven't even met, but suffice it to say that both of us acknowledge that we are almost certainly going to have sex.

Ok,let me see if I got this right:You've been talking online to this girl for a couple of months,and she's coming to spend A MONTH with you.. Really. Well that's mistake number one right there. I can understand her traveling to meet you,but how in the world did you get her to agree to spending an entire month at your house? And more importantly,WHY???

I think sex on the first day is a great idea. I think sex can eradicate awkwardness and make two people feel instantly "closer" - it would make the whole visit a lot less painless if we "got it over with", so to speak.

I think sex on the first day is a TERRIBLE idea. And you think sex will get rid of awkwardness? Are you crazy? Not only will it not get rid of akwardness,it'll multiply it times 10. The weirdness and uncomfortableness of this situation will skyrocket. I mean you have to admit,this isn't the typical way a man and a woman meet up with each other. Also,if things don't go the way you plan,you'll be stuck with this woman in your house...for another 30 days. You need to think clearly dude,and not let your common sense be cancelled out by your desire for sex.

However, she is getting increasingly nervous as the date approaches and has started to show it - she's talking about how she "doubts" we will have sex within the first few days, and how she doesn't think things will go that fast between us.

Well why wouldn't she be? She doesn't know you. And trust me,she doesn't want to walk through the door and have you pawing all over her as soon as she steps foot in your house. Plus,if she doesn't like you,she knows she'll be stuck there for the next month. I don't know who's idea this was,but it was a horrible one.

I'll be straight with you guys - I do want to have sex with her on the first day

Now there's a shocker. Well of course you do,you're a man. But there's one little item you seem to be overlooking...THERE'S TWO PEOPLE INVOLVED HERE. It ain't all about you and what you want dude. Believe it or not,women who are in their right minds don't usually sleep with random strangers. They actually need to feel comfortable with the person they're with.

The best thing you could do is take baby steps...hold her hand,hug her,kiss her,go out and spend some time together getting her familiar with you,that is,the real live in person YOU,not the words on a computer screen YOU.
Do that FOR 2 OR 3 DAYS. This way she'll think you actually like her for her.
When she sees that you're taking the time to get to know her,she'll drop her guard,because she won't be busy fighting off your advances.

I know you probably disagree with what I said,but it doesn't matter. You can do what you want.

All I'm saying is that there's someone else involved in this situation other than you and you need to take what would make her feel comfortable and open up to you into consideration.

 

[sodbuster]

KIss her when you meet her[NO french], then go out and do something-art gallery etc. Other than that, Igetit has it NAILED[I only met one for a weekend and was glad to see her go]

 

[DonGorgon]

Tight firm hug and smile to make her relaxed and comfortable ..dont go for sex to fast at all.. just show affection and talk to her make her smile.. turn her on slowly and get her to initiate some sexy play..

 

[devildriver1]

Igetit!, you are totally right. I don't disagree with what you're saying at all. You've described the natural way that most reasonable people would expect situations like this to pan out. However I suppose, selfishly, I'm posting on this forum because I wan't things to go faster than that.

With regards to why we chose a month; I suppose the only reason I can give you is "we really like each other". That, and money. It just isn't economical for us to meet for a weekend, intensify our feelings for each other and then have to spend even more money to meet up soon after that. Again you're totally correct; if things go wrong, then it wouldn't be pretty!

I've given it some more thought and I do feel like I have more perspective now. No, it won't be the end of the world if we don't have sex on the first night, and perhaps it could even improve the chances of a meaningful relationship if we didn't...

But we're still sharing a bed together, and please correct me if I'm wrong but surely if we felt sexually comfortable with each other more-or-less straight away, it would help in that regard at least? If we didn't have sex or do anything too initmate, I'd feel scared to lie beside her. I'd be like "umm... can I touch you?" or "can i hug you in bed?"

Anyway yes, I do see the merits in not rushing things - I just wish there was a way I could have the sex, eradicate the awkwardness and make her feel comfortable and secure at the same time. Guess I'm asking for too much !

Any further input is valued.

 

[Igetit!]

Igetit!, you are totally right. I don't disagree with what you're saying at all. You've described the natural way that most reasonable people would expect situations like this to pan out. However I suppose, selfishly, I'm posting on this forum because I wan't things to go faster than that.

Well I'm sorry,but some things just can't be rushed.
We're talking about a human being here,a female,at that. She's a person,not a pre-cooked frozen dinner you can just pop in the microwave for 5 minutes,then it's ready to go. I think you may have gotten the wrong idea about this forum. Here,we deal in reality. There's no magic wand to wave or specific phrases to chant that'll automatically make her open to sleeping with you,a complete stranger,on the first day she ever lays eyes on you.

With regards to why we chose a month; I suppose the only reason I can give you is "we really like each other". That, and money. It just isn't economical for us to meet for a weekend, intensify our feelings for each other and then have to spend even more money to meet up soon after that. Again you're totally correct; if things go wrong, then it wouldn't be pretty!

Well,I hope things work out the way you want them to,but unfortunately,there's a good chance they won't.

The end is generally already present in the beginning. There are simply too many opportunities for things to go off track here. Personally if I were you,I'd reschedule this thing,shorten it to a weekend. But whatever you do,your first priority upon meeting her should be comfort,comfort,comfort.
She's going to be in an environment that she doesn't know,with a guy who she doesn't know either. Since you've already got this thing set up,it's YOUR JOB to make her feel comfortable.

Normally,I'd advise against giving too much comfort because you can fall into the friendzone that way,but given this situation you got yourself in,yeah,you need to increase the comfort level waaaay more than the usual amount when a guy meets a girl.

You'll still need to hug her,hold her hand,and stuff like that to make sure you don't get LJBFed,but if you go too far with the physical,she'll probably freeze up. Then you'll be stuck with this iceberg at your place for the next month.

I've given it some more thought and I do feel like I have more perspective now. No, it won't be the end of the world if we don't have sex on the first night, and perhaps it could even improve the chances of a meaningful relationship if we didn't...

You want a relationship with this girl? Well I'm sure you already know what the foundations of a relationship are:trust,COMFORT,understanding. You know,all that crap.
So if you want a relationship,you'll need the ingrediants of one,which are the things I just stated here. You'll need to establish these thing with her,while maintaining attraction. If you don't,if you just skip all that and go straight to trying to hump her as soon as she sets her suitcases down,you'll likely destroy everything.

But we're still sharing a bed together, and please correct me if I'm wrong but surely if we felt sexually comfortable with each other more-or-less straight away, it would help in that regard at least? If we didn't have sex or do anything too initmate, I'd feel scared to lie beside her. I'd be like "umm... can I touch you?" or "can i hug you in bed?

That's just it,you shouldn't be sharing a bed. I don't think you yet understand. Women aren't stupid. Once she finds out that you have already planned for the two of you to share a bed,that'll make her even more uncomfortable because she'll know that you plan on "something" happening. The first thing i'd do when she shows up at the motel or your place is give her a hug,then tell her she can put her bags IN HER ROOM.

This way she'll know that you don't plan on trying to hop on her the first night there because you have two separate sleeping quarters for the two of you. This will build trust in her for you,and that trust will cause her to let down her guard and open up to you more. She'll feel more comfortable with you. You can do that,or you can just go with your own plan of telling her about the room and bed where you TWO will BOTH be sleeping in.
Say that to her,then notice how uncomfortable she becomes.

Anyway yes, I do see the merits in not rushing things - I just wish there was a way I could have the sex, eradicate the awkwardness and make her feel comfortable and secure at the same time.

Well I'm sorry dude,but this is real life,not Cinemax. :crackup:

 

[devildriver1]

Thanks again for the reply, Igetit!.

I'm sorry, I really should have explained a lot more about our situation. From some of the stuff you've said, it's clear that you're thinking about a different kind of situation - albeit only slightly different.

The girl knows we're sharing a bed, and a room, and we've discussed all of this - everything, really - in a very heavy amount of detail. She had full input when we planned everything, which we did more or less together... so there's no nasty surprises.

In fact, up until a week or so ago, she was enthused about sleeping with me and actually did say she hoped we would have sex on the first day, that she was looking forward to doing things with/to me, etc. etc. I suppose that's why I'm asking these questions about escalation on this forum - because I know (or think, at least) that there's definite sexual potential there (yes, even as soon as the first day), and these last minute doubts from her are just being caused by her natural nervousness. A kind of pre-emptive "Last Minute Resistance", if you will!

So basically yes, the girl and I have planned this together in great depth, and unless we are totally repulsed by each other then I'd say we'd both pretty much expect something to happen rather quickly. That's why this situation is slightly different than most LDR or holiday visits.

Please continue though, I honestly value the input, and some of the stuff you've said has cleared my head. I was thinking with my **** too much, and your advice has helped my brain take back control!

 

[Igetit!]

Long Distance girl

I'm sorry, I really should have explained a lot more about our situation. From some of the stuff you've said, it's clear that you're thinking about a different kind of situation - albeit only slightly different.

Yeah,I think I have a clearer understanding of your situation now. And just like you said,it's only slightly different from what I had originally thought. Nevertheless,I believe much of what I've already said still applies.

The girl knows we're sharing a bed, and a room, and we've discussed all of this - everything, really - in a very heavy amount of detail. She had full input when we planned everything, which we did more or less together... so there's no nasty surprises.

Be careful here man. You're getting dangerously close to making a classic rookie mistake.
Women are emotional. They make sexual decisions based on thier emotions,on how they feel. Here,you had a LOGICAL DISCUSSION with her about the sleeping arrangements. So LOGICALLY speaking,yeah,you two have everything cut and dried,and ironed out. Logically,yeah. However as you've noticed,as the day gets closer and closer,she gets more and more nervous,confused,wishy-washy,and emotionally conflicted. Don't make the mistake of putting your faith in the emotions she was having at the time you two discussed all these things.

In fact, up until a week or so ago, she was enthused about sleeping with me and actually did say she hoped we would have sex on the first day, that she was looking forward to doing things with/to me, etc. etc.

So everything was fine and set to go up until a week ago,right? Well,what happened? Why is she getting cold feet all the sudden? You know why? It's because like I said before:Women make sexual decisions based on their feelings,but the problem is their emotions are always changing. She may feel one way now,then an hour later,feel completely different. And that's the thing:you can't control a woman's emotions. That's why I say to go for comfort when you two meet up. DON'T DEPEND ON HER FEELINGS.
Don't assume they'll still be the same the day you two meet up as they were on the day you two discussed the sleeping in the same bed/sex on the same day,etc. You two haven't even met up yet,and you can tell she's already getting uncomfortble. Again I say,don't assume she'll still emotionally be like she was when you two made these plans.

I suppose that's why I'm asking these questions about escalation on this forum - because I know (or think, at least) that there's definite sexual potential there (yes, even as soon as the first day), and these last minute doubts from her are just being caused by her natural nervousness. A kind of pre-emptive "Last Minute Resistance", if you will!

So basically yes, the girl and I have planned this together in great depth, and unless we are totally repulsed by each other then I'd say we'd both pretty much expect something to happen rather quickly. That's why this situation is slightly different than most LDR or holiday visits.

I'm still against moving too fast,and I don't care what she's said.
Women are notorious for saying one thing,then doing another.
If you want to try your luck with what she's told you,fine,go for it.
My guess is you'll try to sleep with her based on the "logical" conversation you two had where she told you she was looking forward to sleeping with you on the first day,and the things she said she wanted to do to you.

Then when you make a move,she'll pull back saying stuff like she "doesn't know",or she "needs some time" before moving too fast too soon.Then you'll end up scratching your head trying to figure out what's going on because of the conversation where she told you she wanted to have sex on the first day.

The good thing about dating is there's ALWAYS another girl. I know you probably want things to work out with this girl,but if they don't,there's always someone else.

So either way,whether you go with your original plan,my suggestions,or someone else's,you'll be ok.

Peace man.

 

[Mr. Obvious]

alcohol will help her snap out of her "first date jitters"

have you been having sex with other girls while talking to her though?

 

[devildriver1]

Thanks, Igetit!. So much of what you've said makes sense, in particular with this girl - I've seen her emotions change very quickly indeed. I'll take things easy, and the best I can do, I suppose, is try to get her back into that comfortable state of mind she was in before this "reality check" set in a week ago.

Mr. Obvious, she doesn't drink, unfortunately. And yes, I am keeping my options open!

Thanks guys.