LJBF'd could I have handled it different?

[seymour butts]

Or was this doomed from the start? Same girl from this thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=184093

Her: Ugh. At a party I don't wanna be at but had to make an appearance.
Me: What would you rather be doing?
Her: Hmmm... Let me think... Anything in the world.
Her: lol
Me: Haha sounds pretty bad. Tell your friend to throw better parties.
Her: lol it's getting better, more people I like are here. And I've had a couple shots which I said I wouldn't after Tuesday but I did.
Me: Uh oh the drunk texts are on their way! Try not to end up at my place tonight
Her: And how do you think I could get there lol. Plus my BF would kick your ass. OK maybe not cause he doesn't box or do martial arts...
Her: But no more funny business Mister. lol, we can just be friends.
Her: Therefore I can't see you when I drink.
Me: Hmm no. I like you so that's not going to work for me. Give me a call if you change your mind.
Her: Fack.
Her: Let me ask you this then - what did you see for us? Were you just attracted to me and wanted a fling, did you want to get to know me, or did you already know you wanted a relationship? What is it you're wanting?
Me: Complicated question. I don't do flings but I don't rush into relationships either. Getting to know you sounds good.
Her: If you just want to get to know me then why can't we be friends? Why do guys only want to do something if they get some at the end of the day?
Me: We can't be friends because pretending that I don't want more is just as dishonest and shallow as if I was leading you on just to get a ****. But I'm not here to negotiate. Here's an invitation to get to know me and see what happens. Accept it or reject it just don't half ass it by offering friendship.

No response.

I don't regret what I said, but I am wondering if there was another way to spin it rather than presenting a hard line.

 

[bigneil]

You handled it fine. The real issue is probably her boyfriend. Might have been testing you but the friends word is bad no matter how it is used. She sounds like she might be damaged goods. The fact that she didn't accept it or reject it when you put it all on the line shows she is flaky.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

Seems like you handled it fine. You stated your case, but you kept things vague "I don't want a fling, but i dont jump into relationships." Sounds good.

But damn, that is a LONG text conversation.

 

[seymour butts]

But damn, that is a LONG text conversation.

Seems like it yeah, but I only sent 6 messages over the course of like 8 hours. I was busy doing my own thing that night so it wasn't like I was waiting for her to text and then rapid responding.

 

[Johnnyventana]

seymour butts -- You handled that text book Pook! I don't think you could have handled it any better. Had you given in, she would have kept you around as an orbitor for life. She would have been super satisfied. Now I can't help but think that she is thinking a LOT about you. Keep up your frame. Nice work!

 

[seymour butts]

I'm just wondering if, in a situation like this when you know a girl is interested but circumstances (boyfriend, etc.) lead to LJBF, would it not be better to deflect the LJBF rather than giving the girl an ultimatum?

Is there a way to keep her on the line without losing face, or is the all or nothing approach the only way? In my gut I feel that there must be a better way but I just can't come to it in my head.

Let's brainstorm this guys, maybe we can advance our collective knowledge.

 

[mahoney]

this exchange is kind of too long and earnest, its just all a bit overbearing. I would try and steer clear of attempting to define what 'something' is, saying you want this but you don't want that etc - its all far too early and is making her (and you) have to overthink too early

The reason dudes are pushed into a box marked 'just friends' or whatever so early is they effectively ask to be put in there by pushing for a definitive answer before a girl knows herself what she thinks. this wanting definition or an answer so early is not a good look

 

[Chickfight]

Yeah, you got too serious on her. The ljbf thing was not a true one, cause obviously she's attracted to you from the "So i can't see you when i drink" line right after, implying she wouldn't be able to control herself around you. Your reply after that is fine, but its goes downhill from there.

Let me ask you this then - what did you see for us? Were you just attracted to me and wanted a fling, did you want to get to know me, or did you already know you wanted a relationship? What is it you're wanting?

You should've replied something like "hey, don't overthink it, i gotta go, but we'll hang out some time."


That way you'd have avoided defining whatever your relationship is, which is especially important since she has a boyfriend. When you don't like where the conversation is going, just end it or change the subject.

That last text you sent was especially bad. It wasn't needy or anything, but you were really serious, bordering on hostile. Maybe you didn't mean it that way, but it can be read that way. You gotta be more laid back.

This is why I'm against texting. Too easy to make mistakes like this, even if your game is decent. Also, girls can analyze your texts to death, but in person you can get away with saying the wrong things sometimes, because if your game is tight otherwise she'll completely forget about them. With texts she won't as easily forget about bad game cause it's right there in writing.


So basically the problem is you came off as too much of a jerk a lacking in charm. Contrary to popular belief, there is such a thing as too much jerkiness, it's just a lot easier to recover from than being too much of a nice guy. So here's what you should do. Wait a couple of days and call her, say you thought about it and you understand where she's at, but she seems like a cool girl and you'd still like to hang out with her, even if you can only be friends. Once you're on the DATE though, dont behave that way. Kino, push-pull, flirt, tease, be sexual, EVERYTHING. There should be nothing friend-like about your behavior.

You see, it doesn't matter what you say to get a girl on a date with you, it matters how you act on the date itself. If YOU say it's just as friends, she gets a free pass to go with you guilt-free. I've told a super religious girl that said she couldn't date me that I would "behave", which of course I didn't and guess what? She didn't give a damn about what I said before once we were making out.
Girls NATURALLY judge you on your actions, not your words. You SAY you're gonna go out as friends, but on the date you ACT like someone she wants bang, she not gonna care what you said about being friends, she probably will hardly remember.

 

[IamJosan]

Try leaving conversations hanging. it works like a charm!

 

[seymour butts]

Thanks guys. I knew I did something wrong. Just goes to show you can't take some of the information on this site at face value.

Will try to fix this but if i can't, well, at least I learned a lesson. Cheers!

 

[vatoloco]

Oh God. Why are you getting into a heavy, mushy conversation with a girl? With a girl who's not your girlfriend. OVER TEXT!!

 

[Johnnyventana]

Keep us up-to-date. Curious if going cold on this chick work.

 

[f283000]

I'm just wondering if, in a situation like this when you know a girl is interested but circumstances (boyfriend, etc.)

First of all how do you know she is interested?

And don't tell me it's her talking to you or doing light flirtin with you. You're only 1 billion in a list of guy's who women with bf's have flirted or talked to for attention.

Like the old saying goes judge her actions NOT HER WORDS.

When you tell me she agreed to meet you somewhere and you ended up on a hot makeout session = SHE'S INTERESTED

the above is an action

You playing little text games with her as she jokes that her bf is going to kick your ass = IS THAT REALLY INTERESTED?

If I had a nickel for every story of a guy pursuing a girl with a bf in sosuave, and him getting nothing in return at the end I would have a lot of nickels

 

[Zunder]

Why bother with all this texting.
I have leant the hard way - that back and forth texting like this is doomed.
Mate - you need to convey you got better things to do than texting this attention wh0re.

Short sharp and minimal - I have finally learnt that is the way to play the text game.

And yes - leave her hanging.

 

[Zunder]

Why bother with all this texting.
I have leant the hard way - that back and forth texting like this is doomed.
Mate - you need to convey you got better things to do than texting this attention wh0re.

Short sharp and minimal - I have finally learnt that is the way to play the text game.

And yes - leave her hanging.

 

[Chickfight]

After taking a second look at this

Me: Uh oh the drunk texts are on their way! Try not to end up at my place tonight
Her: And how do you think I could get there lol. Plus my BF would kick your ass. OK maybe not cause he doesn't box or do martial arts...
Her: But no more funny business Mister. lol, we can just be friends.
Her: Therefore I can't see you when I drink.

It seems like she's subtlely agreeing to actually come over to your place again. She says how would I get there, then gives an excuse about her boyfriend beating you up, but right after invalidating that excuse. Then in her text she says "But no more funny business Mister".

It sounds like she wanted you to go pick her up again and bring her to your place. the "oh but we can just be friends" was just her way to rationalize she's not a cheating hoe. (it would be YOUR fault, because she TOLD YOU you would just be friends. Your direct, no bullsh!t approach works sometimes with single girls, but you gotta lets taken girls put the blame on you if something happens. You gotta be subtle.

BRO, she wanted you to go and pick her and bang her this time, im sure of it. You missed the hint which is okay it's really subtle, but girls with boyfriends always are because they dont want to feel like a slvt and they dont want you to think they are. You fvcked it up though, you always gotta let the girl put the blame on you for it happening, because most girls wont accept being a cheating slvt into their reality.

Easy fix though, my previous advice is still valid, just don't bother with a real date. Ask her to come over and watch a movie, as friends... but you know and she knows on the inside whats gonna happen when she gets there.

 

[Johnnyventana]

Darn, I think Chickfight is right. Nice read.

 

[seymour butts]

Chickfight, you make me want to punch myself in the face.

Took your advice and she was non committal. Ended the conversation with "Okay, maybe I'll see you around at work. Bye."

Lesson learned. But still... ****...

 

[Johnnyventana]

Timing.

 

[kenpiffyjr]

Pretty much. Lossed your chance. She probably just got finished being plowed by her bf. NC it...maybe he messes up and she texts you...then gently attack again.