Living together...

[speedo_meme]

My girlfriend and I have been together for four months. She lives with her sister and her husband and daughter. She was just starting a new job and trying to save a little money when I met her, so that's why she didn't have her own place.

Well, lately she's been moving things in my house a little at a time, but she still talks about getting her own apartment and how she plans on doing that soon. She basically lives at my house now, but keeps half of her stuff in storage at her dad's and some stuff at her sister's. I could see myself staying with her for awhile, but this moving in nonsense is a big step.

When we first started dating, I wanted to keep f*cking other girls too, but she's eventually won out, she's a good girl and a definite keeper. But this "living together" seems so serious. She's head over heels for me, cooks, does laundry, keeps a clean house, whatever.

I'm rambling, but my question is, is it a good idea to live with a chick for awhile before even thinking about marriage. Should I wait for a year or so? The funny thing is, as more days go by, her moving in seems less and less of a hassle. Any comments?

 

[Colossus]

Although there can be many convieniences that come with a live-in girlfriend, I myself would NEVER live with a girl until she was my wife.

You need to have your space, and she needs to have hers. Think about how much time you spend together. You probably see her every day and sleep with her at night, right? So basically your living a pseudo-married life. If that's what you want, cool, but consider the following:

Couples who live together are more likely to produce children. (Frequency of sex and disregard of protection--accidents happen.)

Couples who live together are far more likely to get divorced if they eventually marry. I dont have the numbers on this, but I will look into it.

If she began to move her stuff into your place without really discussing it with you, then what else may arise from this?


IMHO, living together may be comfortable and convienient, but it's not in YOUR best interest.

 

[Alicorn]

Originally posted by speedo_meme
When we first started dating, I wanted to keep f*cking other girls too, but she's eventually won out, she's a good girl and a definite keeper. But this "living together" seems so serious. She's head over heels for me, cooks, does laundry, keeps a clean house, whatever.

She has an agenda: she wants you to marry her. Once you do the cook/clean/ laundry will stop.

 

[speedo_meme]

Well, it's just small stuff that's she's moving in, and we do discuss it, just some clothes for her to wear to work the next day, etc. I need a bed in my guest room and she keeps wanting to put her bed in there, which is in storage now.

I guess my thinking is that I can find out if it's all worth it without all the legal bullchit the surrounds marriage. My neighbor's going thru a divorce where he cheated and wants out. It's getting ugly over there. I'm just scared of the idea of marriage...

 

[speedo_meme]

Well, to tell you the truth, we haven't really had "the" discussion. I'm avoiding it like the plague. We really both have our own space, I mean, she calls before she comes over and so on. I guess I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it is. I want to see the relationship last, so that's why I'm concerned that this is a little premature. I could suggest her signing a 6 month lease on an apartment then moving in or something like that...

 

[WestCoaster]

If you haven't had "the discussion" yet, why is she moving in?

You're either married or you're not. If you want to surrender singlehood, just get married. If you want to be single, don't have a woman move in with you.

The majority of my friends who moved in with their gf's and then married these gals are either: divorced, separated, or miserable. These friends who moved in used to tell me that was the only way to go, now they tell me NEVER do it.

All of my friends who didn't live with the gf before marriage are happy.

I don't believe in coincidences.

Do what you want to do, but "test driving" a person for marriage is stupid. Down the road the marriage could still suck or be great no matter what traits they showed why you were living with them.

Personally I think moving in with a woman is an enormous AFC move. You want commitment, but aren't bold enough to get married; and also aren't bold enough to say you want to date and play the field. It locks you up two ways: no commitment AND not being able to play the field while you're not married. I've never understood why men buy into this other than that the sex is more readily available ... which goes to my next point: the women most often call the shots in the co-habitation.

Have fun -- ugh!

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Iron Ruel of Tomassi #7:

"Never, EVER, under any circumstance even consider moving in with a woman you are not planning on marrying."

This isn't a rule based on any sense of morailty, it is simple pragmatism.

Reason #1: You are now limited in your privacy and your ability to spin plates. This is the antithesis of the DJ mentality.

Reason #2: In allowing a living arrangement to develop between you and an LTR you have no recourse but to engage her in any negative situations (i.e. arguments, disagreements, etc.) on a CONSTANT, daily basis. If for any reason you or she decides you don't want to be together you will have to deal with the negative emotions and new dating habits of your now ex-girlfriend DAILY.

Reason #3: Imagine signing a year's lease on a condo or apartment and in 6 months time you or she decide that you aren't the best of couples. You now have the choice of ponying up the remainder of what you owe for the year's lease and move out or you can deal with the living arrangement of having your ex there 24-7. Of course you might also be holding the bag for rent if she moves away on her own.

Reason #4: By moving in with a woman you are now subjecting yourself to constant accountability and liabilities that are in most ways identical to marriage. Your comings and goings are now subject to review. Understand that this is not always blatant or voiced, but the common understanding is always present.

Reason #5: 95% of the time it is the male who will be removed from residence even in the most remote semblance of a domestic dispute by police. Even if the man is the legal owner of the house he is evicting his former girlfriend from.

Reason #6: By living with a woman, in essence, you are overtly communicating to her that she is your only source of intimacy. Once this foundation is laid you lose all bargaining power. By living separately you still keep her in a competitive association with other 'perceived' female rivals for your attention. This is impossible when you live with a woman and your lifestyle and her sexual attitude will reflect this.

Reason #7: I can't think of an environment more conducive to developing ONEitis than cohabitation. Only AFCs consider living with a woman as an ideal situation because it minimizes the risk of rejection with fresh prospective women.

NEVER move in with a girl. Living in single habitations is ALWAYS more advantageous and preferable to cohabitating.

 

[Colossus]

...I rest my case.

 

[speedo_meme]

Point well taken....I have seen the light, no more b*tching about this topic from me...

To tell you the truth, it does seem AFC to let her move in with me. Seems like a DJ thing to do to stand up and tell her what's best, and it's actually the best thing for the relationship as well as the DJ thing to do.

She keeps throwing in hints about wedding dresses and sh*t like that, I better correct this train right now.....thanks for the input guys....

 

[Alicorn]

Originally posted by WestCoaster
The majority of my friends who moved in with their gf's and then married these gals are either: divorced, separated, or miserable. These friends who moved in used to tell me that was the only way to go, now they tell me NEVER do it.

All of my friends who didn't live with the gf before marriage are happy.

I don't believe in coincidences.

It's not.

"Divorce Myth 2: Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing.

Fact: Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have a considerably higher chance of eventually divorcing. The reasons for this are not well understood. In part, the type of people who are willing to cohabit may also be those who are more willing to divorce. There is some evidence that the act of cohabitation itself generates attitudes in people that are more conducive to divorce, for example the attitude that relationships are temporary and easily can be ended."


http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/divorce.html

 

[kandyass]

Living together.

Some really good points raised in this discussion. None of my live-in relationships have lasted more than two years...and I've usually been left out of pocket at the end of them.

However, most of the women in my social scene don't believe in marriage and don't want to get married but are usually okay about co-habitating...

But yeah, I can see co-habitating as being AFC. At least I can see constantly WANTING to co-habitate and wanting it early in the LTR as being AFC. Which, sadly to say, has been my behaviour and which I am trying to change.

As perhaps a negative example, I've hounded my lastest ex to move in with me for the last few months...and now she is going o/s indefinitely! And to top it off she makes no guarantees about wanting to move in with me when she gets back.

One of the reasons I dumped her.

 

[penkitten]

the point is this girl is yearning to have some "big" changes in her life
"move in with my boyfriend" (who doesnt know it yet)
"pick out wedding dresses " (and not be engaged yet)

if you arent ready for "big" then tell her now. the longer you drag things out, the faster she will be "expecting"( a baby that isnt concieved yet)

 

[penkitten]

personally i think living together gives you a chance to see what life is really like with that person on a daily basis.
it doesnt matter how long you date, the "other " side comes out when you live together.

it has stopped alot of people from getting married that shouldnot have been because they couldnt get along.

i believe you should only live with someone as a step into marriage, and never do it if you dont plan on a future together.

 

[WestCoaster]

Originally posted by Rollo Tomassi
Iron Ruel of Tomassi #7:

"Never, EVER, under any circumstance even consider moving in with a woman you are not planning on marrying."

This isn't a rule based on any sense of morailty, it is simple pragmatism.

Reason #1: You are now limited in your privacy and your ability to spin plates. This is the antithesis of the DJ mentality.

Reason #2: In allowing a living arrangement to develop between you and an LTR you have no recourse but to engage her in any negative situations (i.e. arguments, disagreements, etc.) on a CONSTANT, daily basis. If for any reason you or she decides you don't want to be together you will have to deal with the negative emotions and new dating habits of your now ex-girlfriend DAILY.

Reason #3: Imagine signing a year's lease on a condo or apartment and in 6 months time you or she decide that you aren't the best of couples. You now have the choice of ponying up the remainder of what you owe for the year's lease and move out or you can deal with the living arrangement of having your ex there 24-7. Of course you might also be holding the bag for rent if she moves away on her own.

Reason #4: By moving in with a woman you are now subjecting yourself to constant accountability and liabilities that are in most ways identical to marriage. Your comings and goings are now subject to review. Understand that this is not always blatant or voiced, but the common understanding is always present.

Reason #5: 95% of the time it is the male who will be removed from residence even in the most remote semblance of a domestic dispute by police. Even if the man is the legal owner of the house he is evicting his former girlfriend from.

Reason #6: By living with a woman, in essence, you are overtly communicating to her that she is your only source of intimacy. Once this foundation is laid you lose all bargaining power. By living separately you still keep her in a competitive association with other 'perceived' female rivals for your attention. This is impossible when you live with a woman and your lifestyle and her sexual attitude will reflect this.

Reason #7: I can't think of an environment more conducive to developing ONEitis than cohabitation. Only AFCs consider living with a woman as an ideal situation because it minimizes the risk of rejection with fresh prospective women.

NEVER move in with a girl. Living in single habitations is ALWAYS more advantageous and preferable to cohabitating.

Two words for Rollo's post:

Freaking classic!

 

[Cesare Cardinali]

Please only post on this forum if you are over 25 or else we'll have to delete your posts and/or close threads.

thanks.

Cesare Cardinali

 

[WestCoaster]

Also, why would someone at the prime age of 25 even think about moving in with someone. God, you are at the prime of your single/dating/DJ/having fun days.

I'm always stupified how guys cash it in at such a young age. Friend of mine (now 40) moved in with gal at age 23, married at 26 to same gal, has basically been in a bad marriage for a decade or more, but too AFC to get out of it.

His biggest regret? That he didn't date/sleep with/have fun with every woman with a pulse when he was 25.

But don't listen to me or other wise old owls, settle in at 25 and then be kicking yourself at 40 -- it's your life.

Man, oneitis sucks.

 

[penkitten]

Originally posted by WestCoaster
Also, why would someone at the prime age of 25 even think about moving in with someone. God, you are at the prime of your single/dating/DJ/having fun days.

because they want to date women. and by age 25 most women want a family and the family life.

 

[WestCoaster]

So what, one can date 25 year olds when they're 30, 35 or older, I have.

Plus, women might want to marry at 25, they want to divorce at 35; it's proven that women instigate most of the divorces in this country.

Pen you have some good stuff, but this is a DJ board and any MAN in his right man should not be marrying at 25 because 99.9 percent of the time they're regretting that at 35 ... if you don't think so, I have a bridge in North Dakota to sell you.

 

[MightyMate]

'women might want to marry at 25, they want to divorce at 35' ha ha!

 

[speedo_meme]

Well she brought it up again last night and I straight up told her she can't move in at this point, it's too soon and too much could happen. She agreed (basically bc she does whatever I tell her) and she actually talked about buying a house (which she could rent out IF we did move in or get married in the future.

Look man, about this "too young to get married" crap, people are different. I don't have oneitis, as a matter of fact I'm a p*ssy hound. Nothing wrong with having a relationship with a girl at all, h*ll, certain questions are what this webpage is for. There's no sense in messing up a good thing because I'm "too young" for it...