FUCM
New Member
New guy here, still reading through the FAQ's &c.
I'm still working on my game and am not yet where I want to be, though I know the amount of knowledge here will be very helpful.
(The first portion of this letter was written as a letter (unanswered) to an advice columnist who specializes in this kind of stuff, the last part, beginning with Girl #3, was written subsequently)
I've come across something that I don't understand.
Here's two examples. First girl, I met at an art show, did the three minute routine, got her email; set up a date for sushi via email, and dinner went perfectly. I was cool, confident, leaning back; she was nervous, impressed, trying to
win my approval. She asked me how I found this restaurant and I told her the truth, that I live right around the corner. When we finished eating we went outside and she was expecting me to take her back to my place, which I couldn't do
because there was another woman there waiting for me (I didn't tell her this). We talked on the corner for about an hour and a half, and then I walked her to her bus stop (San Francisco, nobody drives). As the bus was approaching I went
to give her a hug and noticed that she would have taken a kiss instead. I figured I'd make her wait. I emailed two days later saying we should get together again (make sure she doesn't think I'm not interested). But since then it's been flaky
emails, too busy to get together, etc. I know the date went well, and would have gone much better if I had taken her inside right then, but I figured showing her I was not too eager would be a good thing, but now, nothing.
Second girl, I got her email from a coworker who kept telling me about someone she knows who seems to be a lot like me, so we emailed, talked on the phone for a few weeks (short emails and conversations), then she came over one night and we spent like 3 hours talking, and found out we had way more in common than we ever thought. Sounded like a good fit. I sent her home without even a kiss, because I know most guys can be too pushy; I'd rather make her want it more before I give her anything. So she calls me about a week later, Saturday night at 2:30am; she's drunk and wants to come over to have sex. I told her no,
because I don't want her driving, and because as drunk as she is, she won't be any fun. The she said she just wants to come over and "lay next to me...until the morning..." In my sober state I knew that after being that drunk you don't wake up horny, you wake up nauseaus. So I told her no, she should have called me before she started drinking; she's ruined her chances with me tonight; call me some other time. Since then - nothing. Flaky, occassional emails, no plans made, no calls, etc.
With both of these, I passed up the first opportunity to get together, and never got a second. Is this a pattern I don't know about? Somehow I assumed that if a girl wants me today she'll want me next week too, provided that I don't screw anything up between now and then. Am I wrong?
To provide a little background, this is what usually happens with me: meet girl, get phone number, have a long (3+ hour) conversation, she comes over the next weekend, we spend all weekend having sex, and continue to have 48 hour dates
once or twice a month, indefinitely. I'm a good talker once I get going, and I can usually land any woman I spend 45 minutes talking to. So the dinner date with girl 1 and the long talk with girl 2 should have given the same results. Both of these women were 9+ by my standards, and it bugs me that I screwed it up somehow, but I don't understand exactly how.
Girl #3 - This just happened and I've been kicking myself for it ever since. I live in an apartment building. Met a girl in the lobby downstairs, said hi. Found out she just moved in next door to my apartment a week or so before. ****ing hot! A week or so later I saw her at the bus stop in the morning, bul****ted a little. Two days later, I heard someone throwing trash out so I looked through my peephole & it was her, so I pulled together a bag of trash and bumped into her there. She invited me in and we talked for a few hours. Went well, built some tension up, didn't take it anywhere, but did exchange numbers. 2 days later she called me, said we should hang out. I went over to her place, but brought her back to mine within a few minutes. Quickly found out, though talking, that she was single, and we were sexually compatible (she said she'd like to be tied up, I made it known that's something I'm quite good at). I handcuffed her, blindfolded her, started making out. Backed off, did it again, etc. Had her to the point where she was unbuttoning her pants ("to show me her "foofy" underwear"). So, obviously, I've got this one in the bag. I didn't want to come across as the kind of guy so eager for a piece of ass that I'll jump any girl as soon as I have the opportunity to do so. So I keep teasing her, we mess around a little bit, but no pants off, though she wouldn't have objected if I had (yes, I know this). After about four hours she has to go to the bathroom, and wants to use hers (she gave a believable excuse for this). Meanwhile I decide I'm hungry so we'll go up the block, grab dinner, then come home and get naked. A half hour later she comes back over (I was just about to go see what she was up to), says she can't find her wallet, wants to go down to her car to look for it. On the way she returns a call to another guy, and tells me to be quiet because she works with him, he likes her, and she doesn't want him to know she's with another guy. So I'm quiet, nothing interesting in the conversation, though it seems a little disrespectful to me (i.e., my time, not that it's a guy), but I don't know what to do about that. Can't find the wallet so I pay for dinner. At one point she asks me why I'm buying her dinner, I say, "Because I'm hungry, and you'll pay next time." She agrees. Go back after dinner, stop by her place first, the guy calls. I go back to my apartment to smoke a cigarette, head back over to hers twenty minutes later, she's still talking to him. She gets off the phone, says she's going out with him tonight (it's 11:30 by now). I can't change her mind so I tell her to have a good time and to call me when she's free. That was Saturday, now it's late Monday night, and I still haven't heard from her. I'm 100% certain I could have ****ed her when I had her here, I'm not sure if I'll get that chance again. This girl was pretty, smart, and crazy - exactly the kind I end up with.
I've been thinking about this a lot since then and have figured a few things out:
1. The main reason I didn't **** her when I had the chance was because I, personally, need a little bit of time to get warmed up to a girl before I want to have sex with her. This is for emotional, and not functional, reasons. For situations like this I should probably bypass or manually override this tendency. Also because I didn't have a working understanding of:
2. (and this applies to all three, I believe) If a woman is put into a situation where she has to make a logical decision, the logical conclusion of which is that she will wind up having sex with a man she barely knows, she will not do it. As this applies to:
Girl #1: That night, since we were not done talking once we were done eating, and one of the things we had been talking about was my art, it would have made sense to go back to my place (right around the corner) to continue the conversation, and take it to the next level from there. Since we didn't, she had time to think more, and realized that if she did come over at another time, that's probably what would happen, she decided not to.
Girl #2: Since she had called me for sex, and I said, "some other time," it was clear that if she called me again that what it would be for. In her sober mind, with no pretense, she didn't feel comfortable going straight to sex.
Girl #3: The change of scenery, worrying about the wallet, etc., pulled her out of (emotional) state and gave her the opportunity (basically forced her) to reconsider everything from a logical standpoint, from which she couldn't justify coming back over. Knowing this, even going up the block for dinner was a bad call, as the change of scenery brings a change of mental state (in other situations I could use this to my advantage). If I had to eat, I should have ordered in.
Now, knowing that if a girl has sex with me once she's very likely to do it again, it's getting it the first time that's more difficult and crucial, I need to pay more attention to not letting that first opportunity pass by, even if it's not exactly the way I want it. I'll be able to have tighter control over how things go in future engagements, once their likelihood is exponentially higher.
Any other lessons or tips to help in the future? And any suggestions as to what to do with these three?
I'm still working on my game and am not yet where I want to be, though I know the amount of knowledge here will be very helpful.
(The first portion of this letter was written as a letter (unanswered) to an advice columnist who specializes in this kind of stuff, the last part, beginning with Girl #3, was written subsequently)
I've come across something that I don't understand.
Here's two examples. First girl, I met at an art show, did the three minute routine, got her email; set up a date for sushi via email, and dinner went perfectly. I was cool, confident, leaning back; she was nervous, impressed, trying to
win my approval. She asked me how I found this restaurant and I told her the truth, that I live right around the corner. When we finished eating we went outside and she was expecting me to take her back to my place, which I couldn't do
because there was another woman there waiting for me (I didn't tell her this). We talked on the corner for about an hour and a half, and then I walked her to her bus stop (San Francisco, nobody drives). As the bus was approaching I went
to give her a hug and noticed that she would have taken a kiss instead. I figured I'd make her wait. I emailed two days later saying we should get together again (make sure she doesn't think I'm not interested). But since then it's been flaky
emails, too busy to get together, etc. I know the date went well, and would have gone much better if I had taken her inside right then, but I figured showing her I was not too eager would be a good thing, but now, nothing.
Second girl, I got her email from a coworker who kept telling me about someone she knows who seems to be a lot like me, so we emailed, talked on the phone for a few weeks (short emails and conversations), then she came over one night and we spent like 3 hours talking, and found out we had way more in common than we ever thought. Sounded like a good fit. I sent her home without even a kiss, because I know most guys can be too pushy; I'd rather make her want it more before I give her anything. So she calls me about a week later, Saturday night at 2:30am; she's drunk and wants to come over to have sex. I told her no,
because I don't want her driving, and because as drunk as she is, she won't be any fun. The she said she just wants to come over and "lay next to me...until the morning..." In my sober state I knew that after being that drunk you don't wake up horny, you wake up nauseaus. So I told her no, she should have called me before she started drinking; she's ruined her chances with me tonight; call me some other time. Since then - nothing. Flaky, occassional emails, no plans made, no calls, etc.
With both of these, I passed up the first opportunity to get together, and never got a second. Is this a pattern I don't know about? Somehow I assumed that if a girl wants me today she'll want me next week too, provided that I don't screw anything up between now and then. Am I wrong?
To provide a little background, this is what usually happens with me: meet girl, get phone number, have a long (3+ hour) conversation, she comes over the next weekend, we spend all weekend having sex, and continue to have 48 hour dates
once or twice a month, indefinitely. I'm a good talker once I get going, and I can usually land any woman I spend 45 minutes talking to. So the dinner date with girl 1 and the long talk with girl 2 should have given the same results. Both of these women were 9+ by my standards, and it bugs me that I screwed it up somehow, but I don't understand exactly how.
Girl #3 - This just happened and I've been kicking myself for it ever since. I live in an apartment building. Met a girl in the lobby downstairs, said hi. Found out she just moved in next door to my apartment a week or so before. ****ing hot! A week or so later I saw her at the bus stop in the morning, bul****ted a little. Two days later, I heard someone throwing trash out so I looked through my peephole & it was her, so I pulled together a bag of trash and bumped into her there. She invited me in and we talked for a few hours. Went well, built some tension up, didn't take it anywhere, but did exchange numbers. 2 days later she called me, said we should hang out. I went over to her place, but brought her back to mine within a few minutes. Quickly found out, though talking, that she was single, and we were sexually compatible (she said she'd like to be tied up, I made it known that's something I'm quite good at). I handcuffed her, blindfolded her, started making out. Backed off, did it again, etc. Had her to the point where she was unbuttoning her pants ("to show me her "foofy" underwear"). So, obviously, I've got this one in the bag. I didn't want to come across as the kind of guy so eager for a piece of ass that I'll jump any girl as soon as I have the opportunity to do so. So I keep teasing her, we mess around a little bit, but no pants off, though she wouldn't have objected if I had (yes, I know this). After about four hours she has to go to the bathroom, and wants to use hers (she gave a believable excuse for this). Meanwhile I decide I'm hungry so we'll go up the block, grab dinner, then come home and get naked. A half hour later she comes back over (I was just about to go see what she was up to), says she can't find her wallet, wants to go down to her car to look for it. On the way she returns a call to another guy, and tells me to be quiet because she works with him, he likes her, and she doesn't want him to know she's with another guy. So I'm quiet, nothing interesting in the conversation, though it seems a little disrespectful to me (i.e., my time, not that it's a guy), but I don't know what to do about that. Can't find the wallet so I pay for dinner. At one point she asks me why I'm buying her dinner, I say, "Because I'm hungry, and you'll pay next time." She agrees. Go back after dinner, stop by her place first, the guy calls. I go back to my apartment to smoke a cigarette, head back over to hers twenty minutes later, she's still talking to him. She gets off the phone, says she's going out with him tonight (it's 11:30 by now). I can't change her mind so I tell her to have a good time and to call me when she's free. That was Saturday, now it's late Monday night, and I still haven't heard from her. I'm 100% certain I could have ****ed her when I had her here, I'm not sure if I'll get that chance again. This girl was pretty, smart, and crazy - exactly the kind I end up with.
I've been thinking about this a lot since then and have figured a few things out:
1. The main reason I didn't **** her when I had the chance was because I, personally, need a little bit of time to get warmed up to a girl before I want to have sex with her. This is for emotional, and not functional, reasons. For situations like this I should probably bypass or manually override this tendency. Also because I didn't have a working understanding of:
2. (and this applies to all three, I believe) If a woman is put into a situation where she has to make a logical decision, the logical conclusion of which is that she will wind up having sex with a man she barely knows, she will not do it. As this applies to:
Girl #1: That night, since we were not done talking once we were done eating, and one of the things we had been talking about was my art, it would have made sense to go back to my place (right around the corner) to continue the conversation, and take it to the next level from there. Since we didn't, she had time to think more, and realized that if she did come over at another time, that's probably what would happen, she decided not to.
Girl #2: Since she had called me for sex, and I said, "some other time," it was clear that if she called me again that what it would be for. In her sober mind, with no pretense, she didn't feel comfortable going straight to sex.
Girl #3: The change of scenery, worrying about the wallet, etc., pulled her out of (emotional) state and gave her the opportunity (basically forced her) to reconsider everything from a logical standpoint, from which she couldn't justify coming back over. Knowing this, even going up the block for dinner was a bad call, as the change of scenery brings a change of mental state (in other situations I could use this to my advantage). If I had to eat, I should have ordered in.
Now, knowing that if a girl has sex with me once she's very likely to do it again, it's getting it the first time that's more difficult and crucial, I need to pay more attention to not letting that first opportunity pass by, even if it's not exactly the way I want it. I'll be able to have tighter control over how things go in future engagements, once their likelihood is exponentially higher.
Any other lessons or tips to help in the future? And any suggestions as to what to do with these three?
