Life Lesson Learned

[Buddha_Mind]

Zekko, I completely agree.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Zecko,
"All the arguing, nitpicking, and degrading. Is that what you want to live with the rest of your life?" well sometimes Yeah,can be!....example,my Mum and Dad were constantly fighting and yet when she was dying,he simply stopped going to work for three weeks,(very Brave in those Days),while he waited by her bedside,for her to slip her moorings....After she slipped off the mortal coil,I never saw a Man so grief stricken..This from a Man who had been sunk on three ships,had seen dozens die around him...He himself had the explanation...Viz:as a little lad,walking home very late through Kings Cross in the Slums of London with my parents,we passed a Drunk beating up his wife,and I mean really going in boots and all(very common those days)....The Lady by her shouting was like Mum,Irish...."Stop him Jim my Mum shouted"...."No he said,if I do she will attack me too"...His point,that he proceeded to expound on was,that they were one using the other as an outlet for their pent up emotions.

 

[bamp]

"6. Just three weeks ago she told me she "might be pregnant", which thank god she was not, but told me how I would "be there for her" and be a "great father" and all of this stuff. Crazy!"

all *****es are crazy it's just the level of craziness you can handle and seriously if she had this many issues 8 months in than it's a good time to walk

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I know, I know...I definitely still miss her...this may change.

I am at a point where I want to get back to Seattle. I've got to fix my financial situation number 1. Number 2, start spinning some more plates. Number 3, exercise exercise exercise.

 

[Delly2000]

Hey Buddah?

Was ur financial position a bit lacking because of her?

I would say that as to getting over her it will just take time. Meet someone else but take it slow. And make the next one better than the last. Ofcourse looks with the next one is a very important factor but she may be better in other areas..she is a giver...compliments ur style. In ur corner. Encourages u.

After my first bad break up...I was 24...late bloomer...I was shattered. I had others. Dated a few at the same time that treated me good. But I wasn't over her. And the others didn't quite measure up in the looks department.

But the main reason I wasn't over her is because I had it in my mind that she was the one. I took her virginity..etc..etc. Thought we would have a family. Then she left me for some loser that after a few months tried to bed her friend as well. (It became a long distance relationship between me and her as I had to move 3,000 miles away so she got lonely and he was friends of her friends boyfriend). She even told me later that he was ugly so it should bother me none...she had no sense. Was that suppose to make me feel better?

It took me years to truly get over her. It was when I realized that she didn't really want me. She likes a certain type of dude (fake thug)..something I can never be...nor would want to. So I was over her. And in hindsight...if I truly wanted to fight for this girl I definitely wouldn't have moved 3,000 miles away for a career opportunity. I realize that now.

Not to take shots...but she is broke. Unemployed. Not interested in going college and applying herself. Like she stuck in a cycle.

I think my problem and maybe guys in general is that they hold on to a fantasy as opposed to reality with the people they break up with. Like u can sit down and say..."man we had some good times". And yes you truly did!! But it may be worth thinking longer term...like where would I be 5 years down the road with this woman with things being currently the way they are.

Would there be constant disrespect from her at home and in public in front of others?
Would she cheat?
Would she be non-cooperative?
Would she require you to serve her hand and foot?
Would you have to keep her "happy" by buying her expensive things..trips...dinners?
Would she make you feel small and less of a man?
Would she nag?

In light of the list above...what do you get in return? I am thinking a woman that doesn't want to be with you..and a loss of self.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

My financial position was lacking because I'd moved to an area with a low economic status and not much for opportunity (especially in my field) -- albeit, I decided to change frames from my focus on environmental-based work (which truly is difficult to get a real income that can really sustain and grow) to doing tech-based stuff and web design. Sort of a 180 for sure, but a far higher marketable item then teaching about nature...I have bills to pay and financial realities...I can't keep doing enviro work for pennies and sacrifice my life...so yes, moving here definitely put me in a weak financial frame, however; it has also opened the opportunity for a new path towards great stability, and really a route that is under my control (I work with an old friend so ultimately we are one another's only boss).

She was not a mooch financially. Things were balanced in terms of money. She did not cheat on me. She was an attention wh0re for sure -- she needs other men's interest to validate herself -- but she never cheated on me (at least I don't think she did, I'm fairly fairly certain she didn't).

She did nag and nitpick on me -- focus on my faults and lecture me on them -- when I was 30 minutes late to her place, it became a full 1-2day argument of her being in a funk saying people are "letting her down" and "I wasn't reliable". I'm sorry, but 8/10 I'm there on time, 2/10 life happens and things get held up -- but I will *always be there*. And considering I drove 1500 miles to be closer to her, to be with her, and I was there in person, I'm not sure how much more reliable and present a person can be.

She was a stripper for 5 years and had a very large sexual past (and a lot of abuse as well). She did have a lacking father figure. She did have some negative drug experiences with ecstasy in her youth that she claims damaged her. (I've done psycadelics, not X, and can relate to the chasm of thoughts a hallucinogenic journey can bring upon a person, but I never felt like I've permanently messed my life up, etc).

She did have many, many, past relationships. I've had *less sexual partners, *less serious LTRs (this was my 2nd SERIOUS LTR), *less abuse...she likes to shout, shouts at her sister and her mother...would shout at me and I would get offended...

IDK man, clearly I had less experience than her. I got the ****ty end of the stick and this whole thing is easier for her.

I feel like I lost a great deal of myself in the process, wasn't taking care of my **** properly, and focusing way too much on her.

I know this will take time to heal, I just can't let myself get caught up about having *loving feelings* for her. This is not love. She will never love me. That is something I have repeat again: she will never love me. So why waste my time in a situation where this person will never feel the same way.

Our relationship had a good beginning, lots of intense emotions, lots of attraction between one another, but as life accumulated and as we had some arguments, things became gunky...and afterawhile it was hard to keep the machine running smooth again...too much was said by both of us, too much revealed...too many mind-fvcking arguments...man she would pull you into a tunnel of talking about an argument that turned into a 1.5 hour discussion with all sorts of bizarre stuff...and then I would say, "How do you feel right now? I truly feel sad this happened..disappointed...hurt" and she would say she feels, "numb"....I'm not sure what her gradient of "feeling" really is.

We had an opportunity to heal from a past discussion, and instead she chose to get *black out drunk* with her friends and turn her phone off all night. I didn't know WTF was going on...

Mutual lack of courtesy and respect between both of us I suppose...and I claim no angelic innocence...after one of the cooks at her workplace told her, she was going to "marry him" and her boyfriend "wasn't allowed here", I became worried about her cheating...in the beginning stages of our relationship she was also spending time with an ex-boyfriend and a male-friend who was a total AFC chump crushing on her...I told her this made me feel uncomfortable (well, because it did)....as part of my work I was living with another woman along with another male in the same house...she became jealous of this (even thought I told her outright this girl had flirted with me, I had declined her, I had interest only in her -- and this was the absolute truth)...I think in the back of her head she still thinks I was doing something with that woman...which truth is, I never had -- I really really really really cared about HER and HER ONLY.

I feel our relationship had so many misunderstandings between the two of us -- false assumptions about the other -- and a strong defensiveness in both of us when any of these subjects were discussed. We both put up our walls and defensive spikes...she's been hurt by men...I'd been hurt by women...I think we both carry some of that stuff...

This will take a long time to heal...I just have to remind myself when in a loving mode, that she never will truly care for me.

 

[Paintballguy]

I've found that chicks with daddy issues should be avoided like the plague for serious relationships. They are usually fvcked pretty bad in the head from the lack of a male father figure.

 

[Zarky]

She would even say things like she is "damaged goods" and all sorts of stuff like this -- to which I would feel like it wasn't fair, some of what she had been through you know. It was the lack of having any positive male role models in life that led her to stripping, it was the lack of this same thing that was her causation for many destructive relationships with men.

Wow... two words: Pvssy. Whipped.

Any time a woman starts pointing out her own flaws, believe her. If you find yourself making excuses for her, you've got some deep thinking to do.

Come on man you're smarter than this. I hope. I thought.

 

[Delly2000]

Dude she sounds like a real trip. You are way better off without this one mate. Just my opinion. Let her go mess someone elses life up...which is what she is gonna do.

U dont want to waste plenty years being a cuckhold sitting in a chair waiting to jump at her beck and call...wondering what happened with your life or the things you could have done.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Come on man you're smarter than this. I hope. I thought.

You are right, and I do agree. I was blinded by love man, I don't know how else to describe it...I was under the influence of oneitis and we-can-be-togethers and all sorts of drug-like-induced perceptions...I cared about her...and I did genuinely feel she got "shafted" so to speak, by her upbringing. I'm not saying its an excuse or even OK or that you are wrong; I'm just saying, I cared about her you know, just like you might have a fvcked up friend who you know has had a rough past or doesn't make the best decisions...I thought I saw a "truer version" of her...

...I should have had some sense knocked into me

 

[stevenson]

coping with difficult people and their behavior is not pleasant or easy. But do remember that you can learn so much through the experience. A negative can become a positive when you ask yourself...!

 

[Die Hard]

Honestly, you have to toughen up, Buddha. You're too "soft", too "reasonable", putting too much emphasis on "dialogue" and the idea of mutual reciprocation, too much emphasis on the combination of you and her. I see this in everything you write, not just about her and your reflections on what happened between the two of you but also in your more general ideas. As if positive results in this game depend on the balance between you and her...

No, her part of the story doesn't mean sh!t, man.. It's you, you, you, you, you, all the way. There is no mutual process, there is only your process. There is no case of your reality meeting her reality, there is only your reality.

In a videogame adventure there's you, the main character, and there's the other characters to interact with. But they are only there as fill up, they hold no true substance. Each character always stands/walks in the same spot and says the same lines when you interact with them... When they say something that doesn't appease you, you swing your sword or shoot your gun at them. You don't care about them or their perspective, they're just there to fill up the game, to enrich your adventure. They are only extras in your universe. Their perspective doesn't exist, they have no story to live trough, they have no other purpose than to serve their part in your story, in your world. You don't play a part in their story, they have no story. It's a one way experience!

How far you take it exactly, is up to you. But you need to adjust your attitude more into this direction to become more successful with women. Be more dominant, be more aggressive, be more determined to take from her what you want instead of receiving from her what you want. This adjustment in attitude needs to be carried through, it needs to become a part of you, it needs to be internalized. If you can't do that or don't want to do that, you'll remain a recovering AFC at the most, but you won't become a DJ...

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Honestly, you have to toughen up, Buddha. You're too "soft", too "reasonable", putting too much emphasis on "dialogue" and the idea of mutual reciprocation, too much emphasis on the combination of you and her. I see this in everything you write, not just about her and your reflections on what happened between the two of you but also in your more general ideas. As if positive results in this game depend on the balance between you and her...

No, her part of the story doesn't mean sh!t, man.. It's you, you, you, you, you, all the way. There is no mutual process, there is only your process. There is no case of your reality meeting her reality, there is only your reality.

In a videogame adventure there's you, the main character, and there's the other characters to interact with. But they are only there as fill up, they hold no true substance. Each character always stands/walks in the same spot and says the same lines when you interact with them... When they say something that doesn't appease you, you swing your sword or shoot your gun at them. You don't care about them or their perspective, they're just there to fill up the game, to enrich your adventure. They are only extras in your universe. Their perspective doesn't exist, they have no story to live trough, they have no other purpose than to serve their part in your story, in your world. You don't play a part in their story, they have no story. It's a one way experience!

How far you take it exactly, is up to you. But you need to adjust your attitude more into this direction to become more successful with women. Be more dominant, be more aggressive, be more determined to take from her what you want instead of receiving from her what you want. This adjustment in attitude needs to be carried through, it needs to become a part of you, it needs to be internalized. If you can't do that or don't want to do that, you'll remain a recovering AFC at the most, but you won't become a DJ...

There may be some truth in this: but how do others feel about this perspective? I'm curious to hear before I respond.

 

[Three]

Buddha, I feel for you, man. I get it. I'm currently separated from a hot young thing I married 2 1/2 years ago. White knight thing, I'm sure, and a second marriage for me. I wanted to believe she had all the qualifications, but I was absolutely not ready for that relationship.

What Die_Hard said has a lot of truth. The key is centering your life around your sense of self. This doesn't necessarily mean being selfish, but by being true to yourself. Compromise kills little bits of us every time. Until nothing's left.

If I were you, I would pack my sh!t and move back to Seattle asap. Don't sit there and stew. Leave that place and all it's crap behind. Get some distance as soon as you can and put some perspective on this situation.

Dude, I was married for 10 years my first time and had 5 kids before I got divorced. You can get over this! Get the flock out of there and focus on yourself!

 

[Die Hard]

Buddha, just to avoid misunderstanding: In my last post, I put my message in pretty extreme terms, in order to get the meaning through. Obviously, if you'd take it all too literally, you'd become a downright psychopath:

"Ah, all girls are just like videogame characters, I can do with them what I want! So let's start raping every pretty girl I see, her reality doesn't matter anyway..."

We don't want that, haha. But what I explained represents a general idea, a direction you should move towards with your inner game. It's like when you're bargaining over a buy and start thinking: "Now...what would be reasonable from the other guy's perspective? We should work together in order to work this deal out and both be happy about it." That attitude is a surefire way to ensure that he gets the most out of the deal and you will get little out of the deal. Coz he'll just walk over you with your sissy attitude and your harmonious thinking, he will fvck you over in this deal just as much as you allow him to!

AND WOMEN WILL TOO!!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not calling you a sissy, I'm just trying to make a point You need to toughen up, Buddha. And in order to do that, you need to fully realize and accept that dealing with women is more similar to bargaining a business deal than you'd like it to be! It's easier to keep this in mind and act in accordance with it when you're approaching some broad in the bar, but it will be harder when you have a serious conversation with your LTR who you love very deeply... Especially in the latter case, you don't want things to be like that, that's not what "love" is supposed to be like, right? Yet, it is.... You'd like a woman to treat you right because she wants to treat you right. But in reality, she will only treat you right because you make her treat you right...

Fully realizing and accepting this idea, to become at peace with it, is an inevitable task for anyone who wants to improve his game and his succes with women, like you do! I see you expressing this wish in all your recent posts/threads... You clearly want to succeed in the future, where you failed in the past and you're trying to find out what steps you should currently take to accomplish this. It is my humble opinion, that the task I described above, is the key for you.

Focus on carrying through this adjustment to your inner game, it will then express itself in your outer game and you'll see more succes in your dealings with women :yes:

 

[zekko]

No, her part of the story doesn't mean sh!t, man.. It's you, you, you, you, you, all the way. There is no mutual process, there is only your process. There is no case of your reality meeting her reality, there is only your reality.

I do agree with what Die Hard is saying here. His videogame analogy about girls being NPCs (non player characters) takes it a little too far, but he has a solid point.

You're the man, you're the leader. You have the plan, you have the goals, you have a direction you're going in. The girl joins your reality, you don't join hers.

It's not like she doesn't have anything to offer. I've joined in some of my girl's interests that I thought was cool, gone on outings with her friends. She should have goals of her own. But you're the man, you have the frame, you should have a rock solid reality and identity of your own - a direction that you are going whether she joins in or not. She's welcome to tag along, but you don't need her there, you're going to accomplish what you want regardless.

I think it's most important for you to get your financial situation in order. A man needs to be able to stand solidly on his own two feet, take care of himself, and not be dependent on anyone else. Be a rock. That gives you true confidence you can't find anywhere else.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I agree with you guys -- I really do.

You might be right, I might have a bit of a sissy attitude with women -- man I can sleep in the woods in complete darkness and isolation, but have trouble walking away from b.tchy cvnts...

You guys are correct. I can't defend my ego here. I have to learn in order to be better.

 

[Three]

Buddha, Don't waste time beating yourself up, though. This will pass. Give it a little time and keep working on yourself. You are young, man! The world is your oyster!