Letting Your Ego Get in the Way of Success

[BeDJ]

I've got a few PM's from members regarding my post on killing the ego and i think there are many others that are intrigued on the subject.

A year ago, I thought I was hot sh!t. Working out, eating right, making money - seriously, what chick wouldn't want to be with me? After all, I am the fvcking prize. Women should be throwing themselves at me. However, they weren't. I remember dating a chick who invited me over to her house as I ATE WITH HER FAMILY. That same chick chose to enter a relationship with a guy who was uglier, fatter and poorer than I was. WTF - I am the PRIZE GODDAMIT!

That EGO was my belief of who I was. That belief was similar to fear, it was my greatest protection - as well as my greatest weakness. Your ego is the overrated sum of your personality, talents, attributes, abilities, etc. Getting doped up on Pook and uplifting materials on SoSuave simply enhance that EGO that you have. It's the FEEL GOOD temporary solution to a life long cancer. A Band-Aid if you will. Humans love these Chicken Soup for the Soul type of things because it boosts our ego, temporarily. That ego ALWAYS wants validation, it always wants to be stroked - REGARDLESS of the process in doing so. That ugly chick posting a picture of her in a bikini and sunglasses, getting 20 likes? Her ego is a mask for reality. In a sense, it's society's mask to get a positive response. Remember your relative saying you look great - even though you have been drinking 2 bottles of Jack a night, skipping gym for the past 3 months and smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day? We feel the need to make people feel better about themselves, even through lies. That same process happens internally. That's our ego doing to work of having us believe something we want to. TBC.

 

[Night-hawk]

Makes you wonder how children into young adulthood are shaped by these ego stroking 'lies' as you put it, compared to someone who did not recieve that same share in life, yet managed to use that hard truthed honesty to shape themselves by sheer self approval and preservation in the face of ego lashings, learning early the damage constant validation without cause or reason can do.

We find this in girls, of those who simply afford themselves entitlement not by self reliance but by having been spoon fed entitlement soup by family, friends, and suck ups, to the point the fabric of their personality and identity is entangled in the views and approval of others, so much, that when reality spits back at them they don't reflect inwards to question it, but look for a new trough to slurp up those external reassurances, via orbiters, social media, etc.

Ego breeds disappointment by way of shallow, contrived confidence. It means well in that it is there to protect us, but protect you from what is the questions to ask yourself.

 

[NewJack]

Great post.

Ego Stroking is a seemingly positive layer of icing on a very negative cake. Ego gratification is sweet, momentary and shallow, but the implicit worldview underneath it leaves a very bitter aftertaste.

Here is what I mean by that: compare these two worldviews:

Guys have a negative worldview. Most people are schmucks, dumb, uninteresting, their lives are dull. People suck. People are losers. Our daily lives are a boring grind.

That's why I need to be awesome! I need to be a superstar. I need to read every book that exists, and start my own business, and make lots of money, and get multiple girlfriends, because I need to distinguish myself from the suck losers that everyone else is.

Another, contrasting worldview, probably closer to the truth:

Life is amazing, even if its sometimes dreary and negative. People are a miracle, even with their problems. People have beauty, if only we're willing to see it. Even the mundane aspects of life have meaningful mysteries to show us. The guy who you think is boring, will amaze you with his stories and life-experience, if you just open yourself up to him.

Your interest makes life interesting. Your love makes life lovely.

If this viewpoint is true, I can be a normal guy, and I am amazing! I dont have to be a show-stopper, just being a man is a miraculous thing!

Its a choice and commitment, to see the world one way or the other.

 

[Night-hawk]

Having our world-view validated is a great thing when it reinforces our current beliefs and therefore acts as a reflection of ourselves that we are already aware of or learning, or earning. The difference, IMO, is when our worldview is not validated and therefore we oppose those adverse reflections. Ego gratification feels good temporarily but it only strokes the outter shell.

 

[zekko]

A year ago, I thought I was hot sh!t. Working out, eating right, making money - seriously, what chick wouldn't want to be with me? After all, I am the fvcking prize. Women should be throwing themselves at me. However, they weren't. I remember dating a chick who invited me over to her house as I ATE WITH HER FAMILY. That same chick chose to enter a relationship with a guy who was uglier, fatter and poorer than I was. WTF - I am the PRIZE GODDAMIT

Tyler from RSD also talks about killing the ego (because of his fascination with Ekhart Tolle, I guess). Yet like most PUA gurus he also espouses the idea of delusional self confidence, and says you should always think of yourself as being a 10 in looks.

Like you say, this may feel good for awhile, and give you some temporary confidence. But when reality doesn't gibe with your delusions of grandeur (because, let's face it, that's what they are), there is going to be inevitable disappointment.

So what is the solution? New Jack here, seems to come pretty close with this idea:

Life is amazing, even if its sometimes dreary and negative. People are a miracle, even with their problems. People have beauty, if only we're willing to see it. Even the mundane aspects of life have meaningful mysteries to show us. The guy who you think is boring, will amaze you with his stories and life-experience, if you just open yourself up to him.

Your interest makes life interesting. Your love makes life lovely.

If this viewpoint is true, I can be a normal guy, and I am amazing! I dont have to be a show-stopper, just being a man is a miraculous thing!

This certainy sounds like a much more mature view of life than the "PUA douchebag" approach. But can you win girls with it? Why not, since it seems to go along with the "just go out and have fun, engage people, give value, and don't be outcome dependent" type of concept? But if the normal guy can be successful and amazing, doesn't this put the lie to the idea that you have to be part of the "alpha 10% elite" to attract women?

 

[BeDJ]

Great post.

Ego Stroking is a seemingly positive layer of icing on a very negative cake. Ego gratification is sweet, momentary and shallow, but the implicit worldview underneath it leaves a very bitter aftertaste.

Here is what I mean by that: compare these two worldviews:

Guys have a negative worldview. Most people are schmucks, dumb, uninteresting, their lives are dull. People suck. People are losers. Our daily lives are a boring grind.

That's why I need to be awesome! I need to be a superstar. I need to read every book that exists, and start my own business, and make lots of money, and get multiple girlfriends, because I need to distinguish myself from the suck losers that everyone else is.

Another, contrasting worldview, probably closer to the truth:

Life is amazing, even if its sometimes dreary and negative. People are a miracle, even with their problems. People have beauty, if only we're willing to see it. Even the mundane aspects of life have meaningful mysteries to show us. The guy who you think is boring, will amaze you with his stories and life-experience, if you just open yourself up to him.

Your interest makes life interesting. Your love makes life lovely.

If this viewpoint is true, I can be a normal guy, and I am amazing! I dont have to be a show-stopper, just being a man is a miraculous thing!

Its a choice and commitment, to see the world one way or the other.

I have experienced both these world views. Years ago, I lived with the "Life is Amazing" mantra, as time and people passed it turned to the negative view mentioned. That exact moment of realization was when I realized my ego had gotten the best of me. It's harder to see the good intentions of people, but that's maturity - knowing the world is a fvcked up place, while trying to make it better at the same time.

You begin to realize it's not all about you. You aren't a special snowflake. Just because you stumbled across SoSuave doesn't make you any different from the people around you. There isn't a one track mindset to happiness, Don Juan is not the only way. You begin to open up to another side of things, where other people live different lives as well. The world does not revolve around you as your Ego insists.

So you drop it slowly. You no longer talk about your job, but what they do. You no longer talk about where you've been, but where they have traveled. You no longer talk about your accomplishments, but you listen to theirs. You begin to know the person like they know themselves. You begin to see that the two of you aren't so different after all.

No more I told you so's. No need to always feel right. You're just someone out of 3 billion. You're not a special snowflake. You may have the fittest body, the nicest car, the charmiest look, but can you make people like and trust you at the end of the day? Lose the ego.

This certainy sounds like a much more mature view of life than the "PUA douchebag" approach. But can you win girls with it? Why not, since it seems to go along with the "just go out and have fun, engage people, give value, and don't be outcome dependent" type of concept? But if the normal guy can be successful and amazing, doesn't this put the lie to the idea that you have to be part of the "alpha 10% elite" to attract women?

The upper percentile of men still attract most of the women. Put yourself in a social environment. There will be a handful of guys that will attract the attention of most people. It doesn't necessarily have to be looks, money, status, personality, etc. He's not a normal guy. He's the guy that stands out and you have to meet him. Yeah, be THAT guy.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Guys have a negative worldview. Most people are schmucks, dumb, uninteresting, their lives are dull. People suck. People are losers. Our daily lives are a boring grind.

That's why I need to be awesome! I need to be a superstar. I need to read every book that exists, and start my own business, and make lots of money, and get multiple girlfriends, because I need to distinguish myself from the suck losers that everyone else is.

Another, contrasting worldview, probably closer to the truth:

Life is amazing, even if its sometimes dreary and negative. People are a miracle, even with their problems. People have beauty, if only we're willing to see it. Even the mundane aspects of life have meaningful mysteries to show us. The guy who you think is boring, will amaze you with his stories and life-experience, if you just open yourself up to him.

Neither view is accurate or helpful. The cup is neither half-full nor half-empty. It is both. Being pessimistic will prevent you from reaching your full potential, while having an overly rosy world view will set you up for eventual disappointment an heartbreak.

Your ego is not necessarily your enemy either. Without the ego, you would have no ambition, no drive, no desire to succeed and ultimately no confidence. An underdeveloped ego is as much a problem as an inflated one.

 

[BassMaster]

Neither view is accurate or helpful. The cup is neither half-full nor half-empty. It is both. Being pessimistic will prevent you from reaching your full potential, while having an overly rosy world view will set you up for eventual disappointment an heartbreak.

Your ego is not necessarily your enemy either. Without the ego, you would have no ambition, no drive, no desire to succeed and ultimately no confidence. An underdeveloped ego is as much a problem as an inflated one.

Great comment. My ego was destroyed before it began around the age of 16. Ever since then I have been "guarding" against it from growing into an inflated sense of self worth. Because of it I have a hard time accepting compliments or taking the spoils of victory. I am an attractive man who has had women throw themselves at me but refused them because I feel that I didn't earn them or I don't "love" them.... Years later I am very unhappy and don't know what the F*#ck to believe.... But I'm starting to rebuild myself.