Lessons I've learn

[CuddleJunkie]

So it's been a month since my whole project of life crashed with no survivors. At first I did not want to think about it, it was too hurtful, but today I found myself thinking about it with a cold head, it still hurts, but just as much (or little) as other long past regrets you may have in your life.

I started to think about how my relationship with this girl started, how it evolved, and how it ended. Let me tell your about it.

I met her 6 years ago, she was not of my town, just visiting an online friend (they were hard into the whole otaku suff) by summer. We clicked instantly. She was a very shy girl, and a virgin. I was a problematic boy, but as I've explained before, it was just a way to deal with my neediness, by being aggresive. So when I found a shy, oh so different girl, I felt in love with her, and treated her like a princess. She had a lot of problems with her parents, so she was digging for a little of affection and attention. She went crazy about me, calling every single day for hours, coming to visit every 2 weeks (it was a 6 hours trip), you know what I mean. She was so feminine, she always did what I said, and would always follow me. I made a complete turn from being an edgy nihilistic guy to being a trad catholic (Saint Thomas Aquinas can be very convincing), and she followed me into that too. What I'm trying to say is that it all started extremly well.

Then we moved together, after 2 years of LDR, and things started to change. Not much, she still respected me as hell, never did anything against my will, she had plans of future with me, she stop seeing her friends. But she was lazy as hell. The house was a fukin mess, and I just could not stand it. Don't get me wrong, she was an excellent cook, very nice with my family and with me, sex always that I wanted to, but she was just so godammned lazy, and she was always with me, always doing the same things, and telling me the same stories. So after another 2 years of that I grew tired of her laziness and of her to be honest. I appreciated her, and all the affection she showed me, but I was just so fukin tired of the same boring life, day after day, and of the house being a mess. Also I developed complete fraternal feelings over her 2 little sisters, and they for me. One of things that hurts me the most is that: knowing that I won't see these girls growing up.

I started to be cold to her, I would literally tell her to "shut up" when she was telling me the same oh so long story about her childhood or anime, or whatever. I was tired of being always with her, I did not have time anymore to hang out with my friends, or to focus on my hobbies. So I didn't pay attention to her. After a year of this, she told me she needed space and moved back with her parents (that were so ****ty just 1 week before). Now that I think about it, the signs of her love stoping were already there as long as 6 months before. The sex never stopped, it was even better, because I was rough as hell due to my resent towards her, and she loved that, but she just didn't talk to me that much as she used to, she started to watch a lot of TV, you know, she just isoleted herself completly.

I went full panic over this, I begged her to come back, I promised her I would change. I really felt bad over how I treated her during that year. She agreed to still be together but like we used to in the start. The usual stuff. You probably know the rest of the story, I found she cheated on me during those 2 months. I should add she started to listen to new music, to develop new interests.

So after this venting, I want to tell you all what I think I've learn. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, I just want to learn from this and to finally move on from this.

1. Never settle with a clingy woman, you will grow tired and will resent her.

2. Don't get too involved in her family life, it will hurt if you become part of it and the relationship goes to hell.

3. Don't be too aloof with a girl if you want to keep her. Yeah, you need to be Alpha in a LTR, but you have to also be Beta in some respects, just to meet her attention needs.

4. Eject as soon as you see signs of desinterest.

5. In the moment she tells you that she needs space, that it's not working, or the like, eject. Whatever you do is not going to work.

6. If she develops new interests, that are totally alien to what she liked before, there's a new guy in her life.

Thank you guys, really, if it wasn't for SoSuave I don't know if this getting-over-it procces would have be this "easy" and "fast"

 

[NSX-R]

Glad you came out of it. Many males go into serious relationships too young and what they get in the end is disappointment.

I know this guy that he was also in 5 years relationship which he ended it and now he's running to cover all the time he lost by staying exclusive to one chick for so long.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Glad you came out of it. Many males go into serious relationships too young and what they get in the end is disappointment.

I know this guy that he was also in 5 years relationship which he ended it and now he's running to cover all the time he lost by staying exclusive to one chick for so long.

Yeah, I'm still young and I intend to make the most of all the time I have. Next year is going to be intense, a lot of things I want to change. My job, my body, my way of dealing with women , it's going to be intense, but I'm excited.

 

[fastlife]

Hey man, think you're on the right track but I'm going to play the devil's advocate on some of your observations (in bold).

1. Never settle with a clingy woman, you will grow tired and will resent her.

The issue isn't that she was clingy; the issue is you didn't have boundaries in place to let the relationship develop on your terms. Clinginess only manifests itself when a guy enables it. Maintain your space--mental, emotional, and physical--don't enable her to cling to you, don't cultivate dependence on her end. Don't ever prioritize her over your life purpose (that's what causes resentment).

2. Don't get too involved in her family life, it will hurt if you become part of it and the relationship goes to hell.

Let yourself get involved. Just don't have any illusions that 1.) the relationship will last and 2.) they'll ever prioritize their relationship with you over their relationship with her.

3. Don't be too aloof with a girl if you want to keep her. Yeah, you need to be Alpha in a LTR, but you have to also be Beta in some respects, just to meet her attention needs.

The issue isn't aloofness. The issue is that you conditioned her to an expectation that wasn't sustainable on your end. I'd say be more aloof at the initial stages of the relationship. Don't get sucked in to the whirlwind of dopey love chemicals. Be honest with yourself. Losing the girl isn't what hurts, losing yourself is.

4. Eject as soon as you see signs of desinterest.

Your interest/disinterest is the only form of interest you should be reacting to. If you'd been in touch with the fact that you were losing interest in her, you wouldn't have pushed her away in the first place (at least not dictated by your subconscious). Focus on doing the things you need to do to keep your interest level from dwindling--taking time away, getting her to clean, etc.

5. In the moment she tells you that she needs space, that it's not working, or the like, eject. Whatever you do is not going to work.

Agreed. But maintain space before that becomes an issue.

6. If she develops new interests, that are totally alien to what she liked before, there's a new guy in her life.

Agreed--to an extent.

It really comes down to being honest with yourself and handling yourself accordingly. If you maintain a good relationship with yourself what she does won't really matter.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Thank you fastlife. Yeah, you are right, and I really appreciate the input, I want to really see all the aspects of these "lessons".
About setting boundaries, the thing is that I liked her being clingy, because I was needy, but then I grew tired. If I ever enter in a LTR with another girl, I will make sure to set the boundaries from the start. This is something I overlooked when thinkning about it, so thank you for pointing it out.
And about my disinterest, you are completly right too, it was me that started it, but I didn't want to recognize it. I would think from time to time "this is not working, I should dump her", but she was so needy that I didn't find the strength to do so. I didn't understand Hypergamy, so I was amazed at how easily she got over me, lol.
Thank you very much, really, now I have a more deep understanding about the problems I had. In the end it is always problems with our frame.

 

[fastlife]

Your story pretty much mirrors the trajectory of my only LTR--so my message was as much to myself as it was to you. I definitely had some deep-seated narcissistic tendencies going back to childhood that, even moreso than my ex's BPD (which is really just standard female behavior on steroids) dictated that trajectory.

I think I've seen you mention meditation before, but if you aren't doing it daily then I'd definitely recommend it. This is my visualization of choice (forgive the goofy narrator):

If you focus on really reconnecting with yourself and bypassing your ego it's possible to make huge strides really quickly, especially since you're already aware of the dysfunctional programming and the dysfunctional results. And there's nothing more satisfying than interacting with women when you're 100% confident that it's on your terms and coming from a genuine place. Bitterness is just a failure of holding yourself accountable and accepting your agency; the guys that are bitter here, even if they're having sex with lots of women, haven't made it yet.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Yeah, I used to meditate hard, I think I was somewhat close to the first jhana, but this whole break-up thing ****ed my energies badly, so I've stop. I will start again, it was a really centering exercise. Will look the video too.
You are right about bitterness. When she told me she needed space I really did not love her anymore, although I appreciated her, but I was so ego-invested that I went full panic mode.