Learning to Let Go

[Director]

So much of the advice I see around here seems to be centered around building yourself up. Guys join the forums and are told that they need to build their confidence, build their muscles, build up a skillset with women, etc. This advice comes from a good place, and is an important step on the road to becoming a DJ, but it is not the first step. Before you do any of that, you must learn to let go.


Let go of your bad habits.


Let go of the toxic relationships you are in, whether they are lovers or just friends.


Let go of the destructive mental schemas you possess.


Before you start becoming a DJ, you must let go of the AFC parts of yourself. If you don't do this, then you will be building your life as a DJ on a foundation made of sand. It isn't an easy thing to do, but it must be done. It has taken me months of false starts, near misses, disappointments, and generally just banging my head against the wall to realize this.


For example, right now, one of the social circles I have found myself in is toxic and is sapping my confidence. The group is older than me, which makes me feel like I have to live up to some standard instead of just being a goofy college kid. There are ridiculously hot women in this group that have transformed into agonizing one-itis black holes. Stupidly, I based parts of my own self-image and self-worth on the validation I receive from the group. Obviously, this has only led to agony. But, as I've come to realize, there is a way out - let go. They are good people, but I don't owe them anything. I've started a process of distancing myself, and finding new social outlets - it's not easy, but I know it is right.


Which leads me to my second point. If you are a true, dyed-in-the-wool AFC, this "letting go" process is going to leave you with huge chunks of your life missing. If you give up all of the AFC habits, relationships, and mental outlooks, what are you going to be left with? If you're like me, then the answer is probably "not a whole heck of a lot." This, friends, is where the building up process comes in. Perhaps you have a bad habit of spending countless hours playing video games? Well, simply replace the video games with workouts. If you have a toxic social circle, spend the time you would've spent with them sarging instead.


I think it's very easy for us, when we are starting out, to try to implement DJ type strategies, behavior, and inner game by laying it right on top of all of the AFCness that we have. This will get you nowhere. You have to totally let go of the AFC inside. Start small, and know deep down all the time that you are doing the right thing, especially when you feel sad saying goodbye to comfortable mental processes, friends who had their heart in the right place but were just reinforcing destructive/AFC behavior, or your one-itis. You might even allow yourself to be sad for a bit, but once you make that turn, DO NOT look back. You're going to have to be ruthless in your self-reflection and totally honest with yourself if you're going to get anywhere.



To all of the AFCs out there who are having trouble getting on the right track, I advise you to learn to let go. It's going to be hard, but you will see improvement.

 

[robstar]

Beautiful post.

 

[Rata Blanca]

I enjoyed this, now it's time to apply it.

 

[The Bat]

Nice post. I want to use Fight Club analogy here if I may.

In the scene where Brad Pitt crashes the car into a ditch, right before he lets go of the steering wheel, he tells Ed Norton to "just let go...stop trying to control everything". After that scene, Brad Pitt disappears out of Norton's life and Norton is left all by himself to carry on Project Mayhem.

This is a perfect example of what you're talking about, Director. Only after Norton lets go, he becomes his true self that he had been hallucinating the whole time. The hallucination was that he thought Brad Pitt was real but we find out that whatever Brad Pitt was doing, was actually Ed Norton himself. Norton couldn't just let go of his old self and couldn't accept his true, transformed self.

I'm sure people who've seen the movie or read the book understand the connection I'm trying to make with Director's post and the scene from Fight Club.

It's almost like starting with a clean slate. Almost becuase there is always some parts of you that are truly DJ without even you realizing it.

 

[KontrollerX]

Brilliant f'n post and to quote KarmaSutra...

"Rep points for you jack!"

"Which leads me to my second point. If you are a true, dyed-in-the-wool AFC, this "letting go" process is going to leave you with huge chunks of your life missing. If you give up all of the AFC habits, relationships, and mental outlooks, what are you going to be left with?"

What you will be left with is a new start and the beginning of the rest of your life. The real life you deserve to have that puts energy into your step and passion behind your every action. A life that is so good it by itself motivates you to not just get out of bed in the morning but fly out of bed in the morning!

Its burning away the impurities that makes us DJ's little by little until the AFC is totally gone and DJ is all that we are left with and all that remains.

"If you're like me, then the answer is probably "not a whole heck of a lot." This, friends, is where the building up process comes in. Perhaps you have a bad habit of spending countless hours playing video games? Well, simply replace the video games with workouts. If you have a toxic social circle, spend the time you would've spent with them sarging instead."

Heh heh or if you're me ie the type of person that loves videogames integrate them into your cardio routine if you do cardio on a stationary bike.

What I do is I play the various Halo games as distraction to keep my mind off the grind of the exercise so I can just get it done.

I make sure to keep the pace moderate so I can still benefit and it has worked well for me.

Other people use the videogame Dance Dance Revolution to keep their weight down as well.

Anyway again really great post dude.

 

[Colossus]

Great post from a young upstart. Your insight belies your age.

This is such an integral and necessary step in becoming a true DJ. I came to these forums for a long time before I made these transitions. It certainly does not happen overnight; it is a gradual process. I had all of this DJ knowledge, and even implemented it in some parts of my life, but I had not let go of a lot of my AFC baggage. My oneitis (more than anything), self-destructive and limiting thought patterns, unhealthy emotional reactions to other people and their barbs, and even spending too much time on the forums.

I love to write, read, and learn, but the real learning occurs away from your keyboard. There is a chinese proverb that used to be my sig: "I hear, and I forget. I see, and I remember. I do, and I understand."

This is why I have such a problem with the PUA side of the community. There are some great skills and techniques to learn, but ultimately it is just a bunch of methodology and social wizardry that young AFCs use to mask their underlying malady. The inner chump must be realized, understood, and killed. And again, it is not a drive-thru process. I am still pruning and reshaping old beliefs and behaviors. Once you stop you cease to grow.

The one thing I would implore ALL young aspiring DJ's to do is to DROP THEIR ONEITIS. Just like a boy cannot become a Man in the bossom of his mother, so a man cannot become a DJ in the fog of a relationship planted in AFC soil.
It will hurt, like a b!tch. A boy pulled away from his mother will weep and be scared, but it is in the wilderness, with the MEN, that he becomes a Man.

Drop your oneitis. "But she's not my oneitis, she's my gf!!!" Stop it. I told myself that lie for a long time. Your behaviors in regards to her will tell the real tale. A lot of guys, like myself, have to learn the hard way. Assess yourself honestly, and ask experienced warriors to give you their appraisal. Save yourself pain in the long-term.

 

[Director]

I love to write, read, and learn, but the real learning occurs away from your keyboard.

This is so important, and something that I have just started to understand. Inner game is the single most important aspect of the whole shebang, but if you focus too much on inner game, you'll just be a keyboard jockey who is Superman when he is all by himself but clams up the instant he gets within range of someone else. On the other hand, too much PUA/Speed Seduction/Outer Game stuff and you'll turn into one of those "social robots" that Style talks about - someone who is highly socially competent but only a shell of a man.

However, if you marry your thought processes with actions in the real world, or "Unite Dream and Day," as Pook would say, you'll create a self-supporting positive feedback loop. The successful actions reinforce positive thought processes, and the positive thought processes lead to successful actions.

The one thing I would implore ALL young aspiring DJ's to do is to DROP THEIR ONEITIS.

This is another golden bit of advice. I've battled with oneitis just like everyone on here probably has, and like Colossus is saying, the most simple and effective measure you can take to get over your oneitis is just cut all contact. If you're not careful, though, you can find yourself in a situation where you can't really cut contact - like if you work with the chick.

It's a situation I am currently facing, and I almost quit my job over it (I currently don't really "need" a job right now, so it wouldn't have been a huge deal). After thinking about it some more, though, I realized that I didn't have to take such drastic measures. If you find yourself in a similar situation, don't do something rash - while cutting contact is probably the best solution generally, it may not be a good idea if it means losing a job or dropping a class. Instead, try some of these things that have helped me:

1. Go out and dance/talk with/bang OTHER GIRLS. "Aww, but this is just that same old GFTOW advice, and I'm not in a position to do that!" I once thought that myself. But you know what? You're lying to yourself. Get out there and meet other women, if you have to literally have a friend push you into a group of chicks.

2. Focus on some of her negative aspects. If she doesn't have wings, then she isn't an angel. Let me tell you about my oneitis - she's stunning, and she's got a really vibrant personality. But you know what else? Even though she has a really cute face, her nose is pretty big. And she's extroverted and talkative to the point of being downright annoying from time to time. Focusing on some of the negatives will allow you to take your oneitis off the impossibly high pedestal you've built for her.

3. Use your oneitis as an "experiment." Take some of the concepts you've learned and use them a bit on your oneitis, just to see how she reacts. For example, I always talk to my oneitis when she comes to sit next to me and chat. Always. And usually, I'm more into the convo than she is. The other day, though, she came and sat next to me, and after a bit, she started to act like she wanted to talk. Normally this is the point where I would have stopped whatever work I was doing and turned to talk to her. Not today. I could feel her staring at me, ready to strike up a conversation. But I just went on with my work, and she eventually got up and walked away. The next time we talked, she seemed a little more interested in talking to me. The key here is not to allow this to become a mindset of "if I use these tactics, she'll surely fall for me!" Instead, think of it as "well I've already blown it with this chick, might as well take some risks and try some of this stuff out, since the outcome is now meaningless." Be careful, though - if you're in a work environment, now would not be the time to demo the apocalypse opener or heavy kino. Be smart.

I'm glad you brought up oneitis, Colossus. It's one of the hardest parts of being an aspiring DJ.

The hallucination was that he thought Brad Pitt was real but we find out that whatever Brad Pitt was doing, was actually Ed Norton himself. Norton couldn't just let go of his old self and couldn't accept his true, transformed self.....It's almost like starting with a clean slate. Almost becuase there is always some parts of you that are truly DJ without even you realizing it.

I love the Fight Club analogy. The most important part of letting go is realizing that it's all in your head. You can't win if you're fighting against ghosts. That's what we're all doing when we allow negative though processes and bad habits to run our lives. If you just take a deep breath and let go, though, getting on track will be a hell of a lot easier.



You know what's funny? With that toxic social circle I was talking about, I was basing my own moods and actions on how they act towards me. I was displaying neediness, and there for a few weeks, things seemed to get kind of weird. But the minute I let go, and stopped caring about what they thought, suddenly they were kidding around with me and talking with me like they used to. Go figure.



Let go of the AFC inside, folks. You don't need him.

 

[Answers]

Excellent post Director!

 

[The Frustrated Chump]

I've found this post helpful. Thank you Director.

 

[Huffman]

Great post!

One thing:
Would it be wise to always let go? As opposed to making an effort to transform your existing situation?
Like slowly but steadily forcing that venom out, cleansing your (social circle / game / whatever)?

Or would that be prone to mistake? Perhaps these things would constantly drag you back to old habits.

 

[Director]

Huffman, I think that really comes down to knowing yourself, your own situation, and what you're capable of. I, personally, haven't entirely let go of everything AFC - my job tends to bring out AFC tendencies, but I didn't quit, because right now I think it would be a step backwards for me to give up the job (even though I don't really need it right now). Instead, I'm going to try to slowly be less AFC at work ("steadily forcing the venom out," as you put it), while working on myself and my habits outside of work. I've also decided to interact less with my coworkers outside of work, so that I make sure and develop other social outlets.

You've got to know yourself. Maybe you aren't terribly AFC - you have some success with women and are generally satisfied with your life. In that case, the letting go process may be a more mental one where you slowly transform existing circumstances. On the other hand, a hardcore AFC would probably be better off cutting large swaths of his AFC life away, lest he fall right back into despair. AFC is like a black hole, and if you don't pull away hard enough, it'll suck you right back in. At least, that's happened to me in the past when I've tried to change. I think it'd be better to err on the safe side, and be a little more ruthless in getting rid of old parts of your life, than to use "transforming existing situations" an excuse, though. You know what I am saying?

At some level, what I'm trying to say here is that self-identifying with the AFC is foolish. You, the real you, are not the AFC. All those bad habits, poor thought processes, and poorly handled relationships have nothing to do with who you really are. Nothing. You don't need them, and you've got to first realize that it's OK to let go of them.

 

[Huffman]

Yeah, thanks for the insight.

 

[reset]

At some level, what I'm trying to say here is that self-identifying with the AFC is foolish. You, the real you, are not the AFC. All those bad habits, poor thought processes, and poorly handled relationships have nothing to do with who you really are. Nothing. You don't need them, and you've got to first realize that it's OK to let go of them.

Absolutely! Great thread. This is why we must accept ourselves unconditionally. Not accept our habits or limiting beliefs, but ourSELVES, the potential that we always have been. You won't miss (much) them when they are gone, because they aren't YOU. Becoming a DJ is removing the layers of bs conditioning, then getting as close as you can to that core of who you were born to be, then building from there.

 

[Dongfu]

The next step is t let go of any attachment to the outcome of your efforts. I meet the most women by doing just about nothing.

 

[reset]

The next step is t let go of any attachment to the outcome of your efforts. I meet the most women by doing just about nothing.

Yeah there's the paradox.

 

[Dongfu]

Yeah there's the paradox.

I'd say that's true for all of life. It's not actually that you only need to do nothing. You have to be pro-active, but it seems the less attached you are to the outcome, the better the outcome is.

 

[reset]

yeah and the less attached to outcome you are the more proactive you're likely to be. I've found when you're in this mindset the women tend to do most if not all of the work.

 

[Dongfu]

yeah and the less attached to outcome you are the more proactive you're likely to be. I've found when you're in this mindset the women tend to do most if not all of the work.

The essence of Dong Fu, not me but the discipline.

Donkee Kick!!#

Monkey Punch##@@!

B!tch Slap*&%!!