LD-LTR take plunge?

[MacAvoy]

Situation, known girl for 4 years, starting seeing her about 6 months ago. She lives 3 provinces, 1200 miles away. She graduated with her BSc last year, applied to med school, entered a Xray tech program as a back up. Given our situation its always been understood that I would have to make the move.

We see each other about once a month unless there are things that come up and we have to postpone till next month. I carry the upper hand in the relationship, she is madly in love with me. I've done pretty much everything right with her in terms of acting like a DJ and controlling the relationship.

Understanding that relationships don't work LD forever, we talked about me moving there within a year. She still lives with her parents but was planning on moving out next school year in September. I thought this would also be a good time for me to move.

edit: If I were to move, it would be my own place. I wouldn't have her live with me.

However, the situation has changed that opened the door to me moving sooner. I've been out of work for almost 2 months, came real close to landing real good jobs about 3-4 times but no cigar. Well I didn't have enough hours to qualify for Employment Insurance so I've been left without an income.

I've since depleted my savings and I am going to have to take a crappy job to get by. My thinking though is why take a $10/hr job here to just get by, when I can do the same over there. Why not uproot now while I've got less holding me here. In 6 months, it'll be harder to leave if I have a good job.

What are your thoughts? This will be a complete shock to my family as I have yet to tell them I've been seeing someone 3 provinces away. Although they won't be totally shocked as I've garnered a reputation for doing what I want no matter how extreme others think it is. Feedback anyone?

 

[TooColdUlrick]

it sounds like she's the one in charge. if she really loves you as much as you say, wouldn't she be the one moving to your area?

 

[Vulpine]

I would consider the move only if I wasn't living with the chick. I've been in that situation, and, your stresses of the move/new job are going to affect her emotions and it's going to fall apart. I would say there's an 80% chance of the relationship going to hell if you intend to move in with her from the start.

See, instead of you standing on your feet man-style, you rely on her. Women start trippin' with that kind of responsibility and power. You should get a place, get established, and have her move in with you later. That way, if she starts trippin', she gets the boot and you remain on your feet.

 

[TooColdUlrick]

I would consider the move only if I wasn't living with the chick. I've been in that situation, and, your stresses of the move/new job are going to affect her emotions and it's going to fall apart. I would say there's an 80% chance of the relationship going to hell if you intend to move in with her from the start.

See, instead of you standing on your feet man-style, you rely on her. Women start trippin' with that kind of responsibility and power. You should get a place, get established, and have her move in with you later. That way, if she starts trippin', she gets the boot and you remain on your feet.

yes. basically you want HER to enter YOUR world, not the other way around. if you enter hers, she has the power, and she knows it, and you know it. relationships where the chick has the power are ones that completely crumble.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

The Myth of the Invisible Friend

It's time to let go of your invisible friend
There is no such thing as an LDR, because you have no relationship. An LDR simply does not meet the criteria necessary for it to be considered a relationship. There is no reciprocity of anything more than words passing over a phone line or an IM text. Understand me here – you have no relationship. You have self-assumed accountability, self-assumed liability and internalized responsibilities to be loyal to this person, to fidelity to this idealization, and dropping what everyone outside of your LDR will regularly tell you is insanity, is a personal affront and anathema to this stupid and most insidious form of ONEitis.?

LDRs are the most easily identifiable form of ONEitis and it would be laughable if it weren't so damaging to a guy's life progression. The LDR man would sacrifice years of his life in this pitiable effort to pursue his 'soulmate' across the planet or even a hundred miles away. The very thought of refuting the idea that an LDR can work is equal to denying his belief this stupid, fantasized ONEitis fueled idealization that he's swallowed for the better part of his life.?It’s easy to criticize an LDR in the terms of questioning either party's earnestness and fidelity in entertaining an LDR and this is usually the tact that most people giving advice on LDRs follow. One or both parties are or will 'cheat' on the other over the course of time, its true, but LDRs are far more telling of a mentality that results in much more damaging consequences as a result of deeply conditioned self-expectations and fears.

I can't begin to list the number of otherwise intelligent and ambitious men I’ve known who've drastically altered the course of their lives to follow their ONE. Men who've changed their majors in college, who've selected or switched universities, men who've applied for jobs in states they would never have considered, accepted jobs that are sub-standard to their ambitions or qualifications, men who've renounced former religions and men who've moved across the planet all in an effort to better accommodate an idealized woman with whom they've played pseudo-boyfriend over the course of an LDR only to find that she wasn't the person they thought she was and were depressive over the gravity that their decisions played in their lives.

An LDR is akin to an LJBF, but writ large and festering in a man's life. You play surrogate boyfriend, voluntarily accepting and internalizing all of the responsibilities and accountabilities of being a woman's exclusive, monogamous partner with no expectation of reciprocating intimacy or sexuality. It is the ideal situation for a woman in the same manner a Booty Call is for a man - all sex with no expectations of monogamy or commitment. However an LDR is worse than a LJBF arrangement since it pervasively locks a man into a success or failure mentality with regards to the relationship actually being legitimate. Afterall, she's agreed to be his girlfriend (from miles away) and if he's the one to falter it's his lack of perseverance in this silly ONEitis ego-investment that dooms them. Once the LDR inevitably ends he's the one left with the self-doubt, he's the one beating himself up over wasting time, money and effort and he's the one feeling guilty whether he or she is the 'cheater'.

An LDR is like having an invisible friend with whom you're constantly considering the course of your actions with. Consider the personal, romantic, familial, educational, ambition-wise, business-wise, personally maturity and growth opportunities that you've limited yourself from or never had a chance to experience because of this invisible friend. When you finally divorce yourself from this invisible friend, will it have all been worth it? Guys cling to LDRs because they've yet to learn, in POOK's inimitable words, that Rejection is better than Regret. AFCs will nurse along an LDR for years because it seems the better option when compared with actually going out and meeting new women who are potential rejection. They think its better to stick with the 'sure thing' than risk possible rejection, but it's the long term regret that is the inevitable result of an LDR that is life damaging. Nothing reeks of desperation or verifies a lack of confidence more than a guy who self-righteously proclaims he's in an LDR and how his is different from anyone elses. Women see you coming a mile off, because you are a guy without options. In fact the only reason a man entertains an LDR is due to a lack of options. If you had more plates spinning an LDR would never look like a good idea.

And finally, I'm sure I'll see the "not in my case" defense posted here about how you actually DO see your invisible friend once every 4 or six months. To this I'll say again, what opportunities are you censoring yourself from experiencing by playing house with a woman you only see this often? Do you honestly think you're the exception to the rule? I'm sure you do.

 

[Vulpine]

Ouch. Yeah, I forgot how my last LDR worked out. I showed up unannounced with a ring in my pocket. Ready to make the same move, even propose! Well, long story short, I let myself in (had the key) and she wasn't home. So I chilled on the couch. When she got back, she was with a dude. They walked right past me to the bedroom. They were so into each other, they didn't notice me sitting five feet from them. And, I was too slack-jawed to stomp them both. I'm ashamed to admit once being that WBAFC. In my defense, I was only 19.

I just thought this would be good punctuation to what RT said, I overlooked the whole LDR aspect.

I did relocate following a girl, but there wasn't a LDR in between. That scenario was a bust, too. But, I stayed on my feet and ended up with some better women in spite of it all. I look back now and laugh - at myself - for two reasons: 1. I was a retard. 2. These chicks were only like 6's.

 

[MacAvoy]

And finally, I'm sure I'll see the "not in my case" defense posted here about how you actually DO see your invisible friend once every 4 or six months. To this I'll say again, what opportunities are you censoring yourself from experiencing by playing house with a woman you only see this often? Do you honestly think you're the exception to the rule? I'm sure you do.

Not at all, I agree with you 100% but that is the whole point of moving. I don't think I am the exception to the rule, nor do I harbour AFC dreams that she is "the one".

FYI Your point about seeing my invisible friend every 4 or months was off, in my post, I said that we see each other once a month.

I have gone into this with my eyes open to all of the realities of a LDR. I realize the fact that eventually someone will cheat, so I decided never to stop spinning plates. I haven't stopped seeing other women, in fact I see it as an intergral part of keeping myself attractive to her, as "the prize".

I'm not worried about her at this point as prior to me, she was monogamous for a little over a year after a string of ONS in college. She lives at home with her parents, is not into the bar scene and is focussed on her education.

That being said, I don't feel madly in love with this women. I have an unclouded head. I could care less if she was out of my life forever. I am a man and don't need a woman to complete me. I've almost been married once and was in one LD - LTR before. Back then I was AFC and thought she was "the one", it took me a good 2 years after the fact, to realize she wasn't.

All that being said, the job situation in my town (pop. 100 000)is rather bleak living in the rural north. I would be moving to a metropolitan centre (pop 500 000) with plenty of more opportunities.

She is a good quality women, higher than most. She has the qualities that we keep saying we want without the baggage that many women have. You mentioned Pooks "Rejection is better than regret but I refer to Pook again when he says "The greatest risk you can take in life is not to risk it all!

I am not giving up on anything major to be with this women, my opportunities will actually be increasing. And I'll know that I've lived my lift without regret, that I was willing to take the chance. Although I've learned that I don't need someone to complete me, I also learned the importance of family. How are we suppose to build new family bonds if we don't take a chance?

That being said, at the end of the day I am going to do what I want. I'm coming here for advice and input. To look at it from all aspects. I take your criticism in account, knowing that I am not a fool rushing in.

 

[Wyldfire]

Okay...I have to offer some input on this. I've been involved in something I won't call a LDR for about 6 years. This man and I love each other very much. We've been there for each other through some rough times and have an incredible friendship. We live too far away to have an actual relationship, but we also share something too important to both of us to let it go. We've refrained from labelling our special relationship and we have never asked or expected each other to put life on hold for each other. Doing that would be stupid and unfair to both of us.

Now, the feelings and bond we share is very real and it's not going anywhere. Neither one of us can picture our life without the other in it in some fashion. We didn't meet on some dating site or while pursuing an online relationship. We met on a message board where everyone was debating politics and social issues.

Based on what you've explained I would say you have nothing to lose by moving there on a trial basis to see how it works out. It's not like you're giving up a job and tearing up your life as you know it to move. If you decide to give it a try, make a point to keep your expectations low because it might not work out. You'll never know if you're truly able to live with a person and make things work from 1200 miles away. You'll have to be with that person on a day to day basis to figure that out.

I will say this much, though...over 4 years I'm guessing that you have built up a solid friendship and emotional foundation. IF you can live together and still have the same feelings you do now then you have a lot to gain if you give it a shot.

If you were leaving a job to move I'd probably not say this...but since you aren't, I think you may as well go for it and try it for awhile and see how it goes. If it doesn't work you can always go back to where you are now.

 

[driver55]

Oh Jeez...

Ok my friend I saw your post and just HAD to comment.

A couple of things:

1) You said you could care less if she was out of your life forever. This signals to me that you don't have the emotional investment that would warrant your move and life change.

2) You sound a little desperate to leave your town to something that can offer more, and seem like you are rationlizing the move also to be closer to her. The larger opportunities to enrich your own life (more people, better job, etc) sound more of a motivating factor that her! I can only say BAD IDEA.

Finally, I am speaking from experience here:

Ask your self the following questions (if you are sure about this girl like u say you are)- Am I willing to go through this entire process only to find out she has been cheating on me recently? Am I willing to have my emotions destroyed and spat upon? Do I really want that heartache?

Yes, you are right about taking the risk, I think from that angle you are right, HOWEVER, take the risk for YOURSELF not because her. Do it because you want a better job, or to get into a bigger city, etc. You will be better for it in the end, TRUST ME. Unless, of course, things work out perfect between you and you live happily ever-after. I sincerely hope this for the both of you but I can speak from experience. A LDR will turn into a NER (non existing relationship). Hate to break it to ya, but some dude could be plowing the living daylights out of her as I type this. I don't like being so graphic but I think it's important I drive this point home. DO NOT CHANGE YOUR LIFE AROUND ONLY TO FIND THIS INFORMATION OUT, and be destroyed by it. If you don't care though, that is a different story. Good luck with whatever your choice is.

 

[TooColdUlrick]

We live too far away to have an actual relationship.

...

Now, the feelings and bond we share is very real and it's not going anywhere.

...

We met on a message board where everyone was debating politics and social issues.

...

Based on what you've explained I would say you have nothing to lose by moving there on a trial basis to see how it works out.

...

If you decide to give it a try, make a point to keep your expectations low because it might not work out.

...

If it doesn't work you can always go back to where you are now.

spoken like a true woman living in LA-LA-LAND!

yeah sure dude, just move there, 1200 miles away on a "trial basis" with LOW expectations! that'll work!

ok Mac...here's the deal. you've known her for 4 years, but have only been dating her for 6 months, right? ask yourself this...

if you had three other chicks you were dating right now, would you even consider the move?

women are replaceable. if you don't think so, hit a local strip club and see how the thought of your honey-pot just vanishes into thin air.

 

[( . )( . )]

Okay...I have to offer some input on this. I've been involved in something I won't call a LDR for about 6 years. This man and I love each other very much. We've been there for each other through some rough times and have an incredible friendship. We live too far away to have an actual relationship, but we also share something too important to both of us to let it go. We've refrained from labelling our special relationship and we have never asked or expected each other to put life on hold for each other. Doing that would be stupid and unfair to both of us.

Now, the feelings and bond we share is very real and it's not going anywhere. Neither one of us can picture our life without the other in it in some fashion. We didn't meet on some dating site or while pursuing an online relationship. We met on a message board where everyone was debating politics and social issues.

Based on what you've explained I would say you have nothing to lose by moving there on a trial basis to see how it works out. It's not like you're giving up a job and tearing up your life as you know it to move. If you decide to give it a try, make a point to keep your expectations low because it might not work out. You'll never know if you're truly able to live with a person and make things work from 1200 miles away. You'll have to be with that person on a day to day basis to figure that out.

I will say this much, though...over 4 years I'm guessing that you have built up a solid friendship and emotional foundation. IF you can live together and still have the same feelings you do now then you have a lot to gain if you give it a shot.

If you were leaving a job to move I'd probably not say this...but since you aren't, I think you may as well go for it and try it for awhile and see how it goes. If it doesn't work you can always go back to where you are now.

WTF is this rubbish ?

 

[TooColdUlrick]

WTF is this rubbish ?

an eHarmony.com testimonial.

 

[resilient]

an eHarmony.com testimonial.

:crackup: You guys are too funny!

 

[Wyldfire]

What man boobs and dumbdink fail to recognize is that Mac isn't being entirely honest about his emotional attachment to this woman. He's implying that he doesn't really care because if he were to admit that he actually does care our resident emotionally stunted dipsh*ts will attack him, belittle him and ridicule him for actually being human and having feelings. Yep folks, that's right...men DO actually have feelings too...and not only is it OK, it's normal.

It's really a shame that guys have to lie in their posts when they ask for input to avoid being ridiculed over something entirely NORMAL like caring about someone of the opposite sex.

Here's the deal...Mac WANTS to relocate or else he wouldn't have posted about it. So the hell what if he met the woman online. So the hell what if he *gasp* actually likes her enough to be considering relocating to be near her. The rest of you should be so lucky as to have met someone you actually really like.

Mac...if you want to give it a shot just go for it. You're getting input from some very miserable and unhappy guys in this thread. Misery loves company and since they are incapable of having anything of quality with a member of the opposite sex they don't want anyone else to either. If you think you'll be happy moving then just do it and to hell with what others think about it.

 

[( . )( . )]

Yep folks, that's right...men DO actually have feelings too...and not only is it OK, it's normal.

"Feelings" that can be easily replicated without him moving 1200 miles away for a piece of fluff you fountain of misinformation and fantasies.

So back in your box lady.


"The mature man"...what a bloody joke.

 

[juanita]

are u all kidding?the guy is unemployed and has no money and he is not 17 years old, he is 30!!! he should have a steady income and some of those have like 3 children by that age. he is in no position to be in charge and he should be grateful to any girl if she even dignifies him with her attention, not to mention that she still wants to move in with him. i wonder whether she still wants by the way

 

[( . )( . )]

are u all kidding?the guy is unemployed and has no money and he is not 17 years old, he is 30!!! he should have a steady income and some of those have like 3 children by that age. he is in no position to be in charge and he should be grateful to any girl if she even dignifies him with her attention, not to mention that she still wants to move in with him. i wonder whether she still wants by the way

So a man whos broke should feel grateful when any chick gives him attention?

lol I cant even be assed to give this a :kick:

Goodluck MacAvoy.

 

[Wyldfire]

are u all kidding?the guy is unemployed and has no money and he is not 17 years old, he is 30!!! he should have a steady income and some of those have like 3 children by that age. he is in no position to be in charge and he should be grateful to any girl if she even dignifies him with her attention, not to mention that she still wants to move in with him. i wonder whether she still wants by the way

Not all women define how good or bad a man is by what he has materially. Some of us define men based on who they actually are as a human being. Apparently all you see is a wallet. It's women like you that cause men to seek out sites like this.

 

[MacAvoy]

I appreciate all the comments so far.

Driver: When I mentioned that I could care less if she was out of my life forever, what I meant was that I don't need her love / acceptance to make my life complete. I can move on without it. Thats not to say that I don't care about her, I think she is an amazing women.

Secondly, I am willing to go through the entire process to find out she is cheating or doesn't love me as much as she claims. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be posing the question. I've gone into this knowing the pitfalls of LDR's and thats why I didn't put all my eggs into this basket. She isn't my everything, I've been spinning other plates at the same time. See below threads about other plates.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=95320
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=95218
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=94628

TooColdUrick: I agree women are replaceable, and I'm prepared to do that. However I am also willing to take a risk and go out on the line. There's more to life than just shaggin women, I've done my share, now its time to give something else a try.

juanita: if you chose to live your life by some standard that society dictates, then thats your loss. My life has never been about doing what society wants me to do. I dropped out of university after my second year with good grades. I still went on to run a million dollar business by the time I was 22, own my own businesses after that, do everything that society thinks is successful, but it was on my terms.

After that, people can say I threw it all away but I didn't. I traded it for a different adventure. I travelled the world, lived and partied like a rockstar. I've got memories, I never dreamed of having.

Unlike AFC's, I don't come here looking for acceptance to continue in my pipe dreams giving out my undying love, but I come here to get critisized so that I continue to the DJ ways to keep her attracted to her prize.

At the end of the day, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't know. I refuse to live life with regret. I would not be doing myself justice if in the back of my mind I always wondered .... What if?

 

[Wyldfire]

and the BIG difference is that men can subordinate their "feelings" better than women can (if women can at all), and therefore make better decisions.

flat out...this is likely to be a stupid decision. but if he were a woman? well, geepers, i'll just do it anyway, because it FEELS better.

how many women walk into an obviously bad situation, over and over and over like zombies? you know...like YOU wyldfire?

No, men don't handle their feelings better than women...they simply handle them differently. Women actually deal with feelings whereas men stuff them and it comes out in the form or misplaced anger.

If the guys on here are any indicator of how "logical" men are...that's a joke. All I see is women decide based on emotion and men decide based on their hormones. Not really much difference. If the guys here were logical they would stop getting involved with the bad women that make them come here in the first place. Yep, lots of women repeatedly go for the jerks, but you guys are just as bad by going after the female equivalent.

Your reading comprehension is at the level of a 5 year old kid with ADHD. Either that or your memory is about as long as a little girl's penis. The "over and over and over" thing doesn't apply to me. I made ONE poor choice 22 years ago and have NEVER repeated that mistake. Of course, it's really no wonder you are accustomed to women who go for men who treat them badly...those are the only ones who would give you the time of day.