Last ditch. Suggestions?

[lorekeeper]

Ive re read this post before hitting submit, and came >this close< to deleting it. I've decided to post it for two reasons, 1) because I Wrote the damn thing, why not post it actually post it, and 2) i want it as proof when in the future I can look at myself and say how damn stupid i was. here goes:

Brothers,
I've been a lurker on this forum for a while, always searched and found relevant posts to all my questions, but today I've got a specific scenario which I would really appreciate any forms of assistance with.

I've seen my fare share of "newbie in need of assistance" and "afc needs answer plz" threads, and how a majority of responses are, I never wanted to create my own, but sadly here i am doing it. Maybe I'll read this post after writing it up and delete it, and maybe I'll re read it, admit I need the help and hit submit.

It's a last minute effort, and I should have posted a report with this specific HB, because I'm sure some of (many?) my actions could have been so much better had i actually posted something.

I'm a belowAFC and I admit it. I get crazy nervous when talking with women who i feel remotly attacted to, to the point that I still can't make cold approches. I'm almost 31, never dated, kissed one girl, and aside from a mercy **** from a close friends wife, never even gotten into the bedroom with anyone. (this is very hard for me to admit now) How is all this possible when I have the reputation of being a strong, alpha womanizer? I'm big, im
strong, im regularly mistaken for the bouncer, are all those people crazy?

Enough with my afcness, I get emabarresed just thinking about it, and it probably has no relevance to my current situation.

I have developed onitis with a woman who a year ago would have been out of my league. I still cant belive how far i've gotten that I can actually have a convo with her, actually hang out with etc. I KNOW there was a high level of attraction, and I've definatly mucked up almost every one of those chances, and unless anyone can give me some advice, I'll be devestated in NEXTING her tommorow.

I've known her for just under 3 months (yes, 3 months, it goes downhill..) we met through a friend. I eventually got her number and we texted for a while. We'd hang out at my bar, and she'd kcik my ass in pool, we'd go out for dinner but i never put on a substantial move. One week i read a thread on SS about an attempt at raising interest level, it suggested to break all contact until she calls back, and next her if she didnt in 5 days. she texted 5
days later suggesting we hang out, i told her i was busy. she texted me the next day, I told her i had other plans. We eventually started hanging out again.

She invited me with some mutal friends to a cottage for a Bday weekend on friday. she sat on my lap the first day I told them I was only staying the night because i had football the next day. I left before anyone woke up,
drove 2 hours to football, played then decided to drive back after they all left messages on my phone. I bought a cake and some booze and drove back. They were all suprised and glad I came back. HB gave me a great 20 min back massage, after which i shoulda made a move. I was Cblocked by someone. her bday cake was smeared on her, and then she smeared it on my face, i licked it off her stomach, and she licked it off my head. but of couse nothing happened.

she is leaving the country for a week as a treat to herself and I'm driving her to the airport in a few hours. I suggested we stay up all night and she sleep in the plane. she told me on the phone that she's at work till 9:30 but "we'll go for drinks in town, I'll call you when im finished" at which point i did something stupid.

I pre-emptivly drove to pick her up, I was in the city but did not know the place, here is the last convo we had:

did you say 9:30 or 10:30?

Just got on my last bus. whatcha up to?

(shes already more then halfway home) I get so angry

at myself at this point.

k, was waiting for your call

im not sure what to do. I'd prefer going home, cuz ive been out all day, but it does sound tempting

idea to stay up, heh. sadly though i know i need my rest.

If you don't want to, thats fine with me. but a message letting me know wouldent have hurt.

I wasnt able to, i was in the subway!

ok

(i was driving home at this point)

listen its been a 15hour day for me, ok? im tired and ive only had one meal today. i just want to go

home.

i reply 20 min later

lol okok just make sure you give me enough time to wake up. I couldent reply

on the highway get some rest, ive had my share of 15 hour workdays and know just houw you feel. catch you

later!

ok babe. I just didnt like you sounding peeved at me the highlight of my day was teaching, job day

sucked, im pooped, really, I'll call you when i get up, say 4 am? god thats early lol.

tommorow its kiss of death time. I honestly do not want a LJBF and if it does happen, I want to cut it off then, either tell her "no, i already have enough friends" or " no, i do not want to be friends" and not talk to her again. I know we'll bump into each other, since we'.re in the same group of friends, but i do not want to be friends with her.

my question is this: knowing full well that the LJBF zone has been breached, knowing that a kiss of death is immenant, but still having a glimmer of hope, whats the best way to proceed?

Do I drop herr at the airport, get out, and say i got you a bday present, and kiss her?
do I not aanswer the phone in the morning?
Do i do nothing and then just ignore her from now on?

If i just ignore her after dropping her off, whats the best way to explain it when i have to ievitably explain it? "I liked you but i never got my balls together and do anything about it. I just need time to get over you. i hope you understand that"?

 

[Jitterbug]

my question is this: knowing full well that the LJBF zone has been breached, knowing that a kiss of death is immenant, but still having a glimmer of hope, whats the best way to proceed?

It's not a war zone you're about to enter, warrior. Not an epic battle that will go down in history. You've got to lose this mindset of taking it way too seriously as if it's a battle to the death situation. You're only dealing with a little woman who's probably a third of your weight.

There's too little time to fix anything. Your best bet is to be relaxed and go to that date with a "whatever, I'm just chillin'" attitude, instead of an overly dramatised entrance to the gladiatorial arena. Get there, do whatever the fvck you want (nothing too illegal ) and let the woman amuse you. Don't be afraid and let yourself fail, it's no big deal.

 

[davewe]

Just the basics

Drop her off at the airport and kiss her. This is a perfectly standard parting and if she's interested (which it seems like she is) she will think about the kiss while she's out of the country and will want to follow up when she gets back.

But as the other poster said, this ain't war. I know it's hard but try to enjoy it - it's supposed to be fun.

 

[lorekeeper]

thanks. but i completly balked. I visibaly freaked out when saying bye. kissed her on the cheek and left. I am so dissapointed in myself. so damn dissapointed.

 

[countermart]

Mate for goodness sake chill out. She likes you and you will stuff up the relationship if you continue to be so nervy and unchilled. Never show that a girl rattles you in anyway. Drive her to the airport, give her a kiss and a hug goodbye and say, “Catch you in a week.”

In terms of not having much experience you need to know that the guys are the hunters, and what do hunters do? They hunt. They go and get what they want. They don’t sit in the cave worrying, will the deer run away, will I miss with the spear, or will it hurt me, and if they do those are the guys that fail.

You get what you go after, so go after it, and if Bambi gets away no matter look for another one. But it is your job to hunt.

Remember, you get what you go after.

Good luck.

Countermart

 

[countermart]

Ok we posted at the same time. Don’t give up on her. But at some stage you are going to have to show her you are a man. You need to either crash through, or crash.

Keep contact with her over the week, hopefully you can pick her up at the airport. When you meet her do not think about it, walk straight up to her and kiss her on the lips slightly hard, and then immediately turn and go and get her bags. Do this like you have done it 1000 times. Do not set up picking her up at the airport until late in the week. Got it?

..and STOP CARING!


Countermart

 

[Desdinova]

This is the biggest thing I've noticed...

I told them I was only staying the night because i had football the next day. I left before anyone woke up, drove 2 hours to football, played then decided to drive back after they all left messages on my phone.

I'm driving her to the airport in a few hours. I suggested we stay up all night and she sleep in the plane. she told me on the phone that she's at work till 9:30 but "we'll go for drinks in town,

I pre-emptivly drove to pick her up,

You're showing your desperation with your over-eagerness to spend time with her. You should have left your football game and not returned. Let her miss you.

Who's idea was it to drive her to the airport? Did she ask? Did you offer? You're not her chaffeur. Unless she asks, let her find her own ride to the airport.

And going to pick her up after work was your own stupid assumption.

She's nothing more than a female human. She doesn't deserve special treatment or extra attention just because she happens to be physically appealing.

her bday cake was smeared on her, and then she smeared it on my face, i licked it off her stomach, and she licked it off my head.

Just to let you know, she was most definately attracted to you. She may still be, but you'll only find out after she gets back. Her trip may be a blessing in disguise because it gives her the chance to miss you (if she does). But don't put your hopes on it. See how things are when she gets back. Let HER contact you when she's back, and I hope to hell you didn't offer to pick her up.

 

[romangod]

Mate for goodness sake chill out. She likes you and you will stuff up the relationship if you continue to be so nervy and unchilled. Never show that a girl rattles you in anyway. Drive her to the airport, give her a kiss and a hug goodbye and say, “Catch you in a week.”


Good luck.

Countermart

I agree with this. From what you wrote, it sounds like she's into you. However, your lack of balls is going to mess it up. Be a man and escalate at your first chance. If not, she'll lose interest very quickly. Good luck.


Cheers!

 

[Sinistar]

Tip - in case the other posts didn't cover it. While she is gone, do not text or email or call her first - ever. Only a girlfriend would do this. If it helps any, when my wife travels I never text her or call her first and guess what - she calls just like clockwork. If she texts or calls or emails, then respond lightly. As the other people said, let this trip be her trip and let her miss you a bit. Avoid being part of it because she did not invite you on it (yuck, hard to not ack her strong frame here).

You've got the big guys afraid of small needles syndrome. In this case you are crippled by your fear of rejection. So let's break this down.

You have Door # 1. Behind that door lies more and more stress, angst, fear and unhealthy emotional investments. You are actually inside this door right now. If you stay in this room, you will become more stressed then you will become obsessed and finally you'll be ejected by her because she just can't handle it. She'll meet another guy (probably some guy you'll call a wimp) but a guy none the less who will give her the attention she's been craving - actual explicated desire for intimacy. How could she say no. On the one hand is you, this big guy (who should fear nothing, especially women) but are deathly afraid of something as simple as a kiss on the lips. And on the other hand, any other other guy, a guy who actually goes for what he wants.

There's one more door. To walk through this door you must risk rejection. You have to make a move. In doing this, within days (vs the 3mo you mentioned) you will have your answer. Much like the Matrix, we can't tell you exactly what will happen but we can tell you the truth - she will either reciprocate (yes, you get laid) or she'll reject you and things will awkward. If she rejects it will hurt. But you should understand something. The amount of hurt you perceive is solely a function of the time you deferred risking rejection in the first place.

When she gets back, let her contact you. Then do something together that is bit more date like. At the end, no matter how much you fear it or have worried about - kiss her on the lips. Then things will play out. I think in this case she'll lock on dude

And if you don't have the ba11s to kiss her this next time YOU NEVER WILL! You will have failed her and you. At that point, it's in both of your best interests to walk away because she knows this and will know she needs to permanently LJBF you. And you know this because once she starts dating someone, she's not going to want you around if she really likes the new guy.

You should also note, these responses are just to soothe the wound but will not heal the warrior. You are so invested in this because she "could" be your first. You feel as if you play this wrong it will be another 10yrs before you meet another woman. And that could very well be true given your approach to all this.

If you look at your mindset, never once did you mention being able to get to know other women too after this one. You have all your hopes for your entire life pinned on this one. That's way too much weight to be carrying around (for either party).

Oh yeah, one more thing. If she is even remotely interested in you - she will not be mean or harsh or make any deal of your lack of experience with women (unless she's a psycho nut job). Put more simply, she'll work with you, not against you when it comes to gettin' some.

What's it gonna be big guy. Another crappy do nothing, go home alone, black hole, dark empty feeling or let that adrenaline pump for just another 10 seconds or so, feel alive for the first time in your life and go for that kiss close that will get things unjammed.

ps. Drop this "Last Ditch" mindset. You're 30yrs old - you'e got years to meet lots of other women - yep, after you nail this one (or not) there will be more

 

[lorekeeper]

Thanks guys. Lurking in this forum has definatly helped me more than i could have imagined.

Sinistar, I should have edited the title. It was not a "last ditch ever" type thing, it was a "last ditch for this girl" I was hanging out lately with a bunch oh girls, and even though i'm still moving slowly (most are no longer eligable) it really helped me get a little more at ease. One day I had 4 dates. I never once would have imagined that happeneing to me. met one for a lunch, drove and picked up another and went to lunch again, picked up HB9 and went for dinner and pool, then dropped her home and met HBnorway for drinks.

the problem is, even though i was constantly hanging around these women i was always thinking about HB 9 yeah, onitis, i know, even though HBnorway (who is a hb9 as well) and i have this crazy sexual tension i still find myself thinking about hb9. Im posting an update now.

 

[lorekeeper]

not so hot Update:

well.

HB9 went to mexico and flew back on her birthday. She texted me when she was back, and I texted a welcome back msg.

There was a resteraunt she was talkign about with me and i wanted to take her there, but one of her friends invited her. turns out it was a group of people going, including a mutual friend that I consider compition. her friend backed out, another mutual friend was invited, and he coulednt make it, so she invited hb7.

She called me up a few hours after landing and said "hb7 bailed, you want to come?" now... I KNOW I was a 4th string. so I told her "oopfh! you're rezlly doing this last minute, eh? you shoulda made plans with me earlier, im out with someone. im busy this week but lets try to touch bases this week."

we didnt talk again or see each other for a while.

sidestory:

I was with HBnorway saturday night. we are close friends, but we have this crazy sexual tension, even though she's in a relationship with HBitaly :/

her friend ends up leaving and she and I are pretty drunk. shes sitting on my lap and i have my hand up the back of her shirt rubbing her back. HB7 calls me, saying to come to a bar. I tell her im with someone. HBnorway can hear the people from my phone. they start chanting my name. I luagh and hang up, HBnorway takes my phone, faces me and says with a straight face (this has NEVER EVER happened to me before) "ok. I want you. but on one condition. I want you to. ****. me. HARD. I want you to take me in every room of my home. do you think you are up to this? because if you cant, then deals off"

I think my jaw hit the floor, but instead I reached for the nape of her neck and pulled her in for a kiss and she stopped me.

"we cant do that, we're just friends"

WTF?

she stands up and shatters 3 wineglasses to the floor in the process, and starts dragging me to her bedroom. I stop her and say "look baby, I dont want you to cut up your pretty little feet" and sweep her up into my arms and carry her into her bedroom. she looks at me and proclaims: "oh, youre going to be sooo good" AND FALLS ASLEEP!

I left her place at 8 am after i sobered up.

I went to breakfast which our gang does every sunday. HB9 showed up with
her friend and friends 5y/o didnt talk to her, she was sitting behind me at another table. HB9 heard me talk about the "hot date" I had the night before.
HBnorway calls me asking how she got to bed. I told her i carried her and she fell asleep. she claims not remembering anything.

HB9 puts a packet of jam on my head that the kid found hilarious and she did it too. they left, and when i went to my car i found a note on the winsheild, the kid had drawn two smiley faces and hb9 had wrote thier names on it. super cute.

i texted her a few days later saying: "we havnt hung out in a long time, you must be going through some serious lorekeeper withdrawls" no answer. 3-4 days later: "hey where you been? looks like you dropped off the face of the earth" 3 days later i deleted her number from my phone.

that same day she txts me saying "lorekeeper!!! we're 3 girls drinking wine, come into town! we'll play pool at XXXX!"

all of a sudden it hit me.

DOES SHE WANT A RIDE HOME?!

i didnt respond.

an hour later she texts back: "lore-licious isn't responding *sob*"

i didnt respond.

I dont know how long i can do NC we're both in the same group of friends. I havnt been going out much.

what excuses can i use for why im ignoring her? should I tell her ive been busy with work and going out on dates? as countermark said: "crash or crash through" but i think it's done.

I gotta use this energy and hit the gym again. last time 10 years ago I used that energy so well I became a hermit and only hit the gym. maybe a little twoo overboard
also. HBnorway's GF is back in town. I dont think its serious. but i dont think im going to pursue anything with her. I just wanna be alone for a bit.