Lack of "connection" after some dates?

[Herb]

So I've refined my conversational skills for dates a lot since I began, especially over the last six months to a year, where I now pay attention to the little things. Gone are the times of awkward pauses or silences, running out of things to say, blatant social faux pas, visible nervousness and awkwardness, seeming emotionless, and poor body language.

I've had dates where everything seems to go smoothly as far as the actual conversation... it all flows naturally and there is good back and forth, exchanging of ideas. At times I may speak a bit much but I catch myself and yield the floor to her, and then just start asking questions about her stories. I try to add humor and keep it lighthearted. I stay up to date on current affairs and my knowledge of the world and my travel stories impress them. Yet despite all this, I often later (in the next week or three) have them tell me something like, I don't feel like we had much of a connection, or a romantic connection.

Sometimes we even go on two or three dates and have sex, and they just randomly text me that eventually when I try to set something up again.

I felt the last date I went on was quite good for a first date (only problem was since I felt a cold coming on a couple of hours before it, I told her I couldn't hug/kiss, but I hate cancelling last minute so I still showed up, with that warning). Everything seemed to indicate she was interested, and like most women, she was definitely physically attracted. I waited four days to give her a call after the date, and after picking up there was a phone issue/some static and she texted me saying she thought I called by accident. I tried calling again, but she just didn't pick up and then texted me the whole you're a nice guy but we didn't connect thing lol. Also said something about good luck finding someone to keep up with you, as if she was overwhelmed by the amount of knowledge I had...

Maybe that's my problem? Coming across as knowledgeable and interesting in a worldly way by telling stories isn't what I should do. Cause I've known guys that never ventured outside their home state yet get many girls to adore them, and they have stupid silly convos about basically nothing, but he's able to make them emotional and build something meaningful on them I guess. And I couldn't do much about physical escalation on that last date since I was sick anyway. And some of these girls weren't super hot but more average, or cute but had some other flaw. I'm guessing I tried focusing too hard on impressing them and demonstrating my status (like you would for top-tier girls) as opposed to building a real connection.

Do you really have to delve into the sappy stuff about how her eyes are so beautiful and make you melt and all that even on the first date? I thought it was just about getting to know each other.

 

[l_e_g_e_n_d]

Maybe that's my problem? Coming across as knowledgeable and interesting in a worldly way by telling stories isn't what I should do ...

Whenever I had a date where I needed to worry how I came across, sure enough, the date didn't end well. Coincidence?

IDGAF is a state of mind. You go into the date, you entertain yourself, and you leave (assuming she rejected your ONS attempts). She is simply a tool for the evening. Herein is the strongest weapon in a DJ's artillery, DGAF.

 

[Atom Smasher]

"I'm guessing I tried focusing too hard on impressing them and demonstrating my status (like you would for top-tier girls) as opposed to building a real connection.

Do you really have to delve into the sappy stuff about how her eyes are so beautiful and make you melt and all that even on the first date? I thought it was just about getting to know each other."

Bingo. You should go in with the attitude they THEY need to impress YOU. I get the sense that you may be a bit formulaic in your style. They will pick up on that.

Delving into the sappy stuff is sure to make you look like all the other beta she has gone out with. The worst thing you can do is complement a girl unless she is very plain or not-so-hot.

Set the tone that you are evaluating her and determining if she is worthy of being in your kingdom. This will change the vibe you are projecting. Remember that women cannot date down. They need to think of you as superior. This is what they crave. Be superior. Evaluate her worthiness while your own worthiness is a given.

 

[Serenity]

Well, stories are a fine addition to an interaction, but it doesn't hit their emotions enough. Humor and teasing does that, to go on the edge where you know someone would be offended but if she's cool she won't. Don't try to impress them, just have fun with them.

Basically you've probably played it too safe and that makes you a nice boring guy. If you can throw in a few unexpected plot twists they'll feel all sorts of things for you.

My girlfriend doesn't even know half the stuff I know about the world and neither does my knowledge interest her. My playfulness, humor and uniqueness intrigues her a lot though. That costs me about zero effort, the less effort I put into trying to appear one way or another the better it is.

I was at your level a few years back. I realized being intellectual isn't going to work, and I'd be bored to death if a woman was that intellectual towards me. I just let go of it, let my mind wander where it goes and speak freely rather than structuring my thoughts too much.

Just relax and let yourself go more, remove a few filters. Don't fear saying "the wrong things", more fvck ups equals more opportunity to make some fun.

 

[xstang77]

Deffinetly as mentioned, save the Intellect for later on if things progress, and you don't have to be religious about waiting 4 days to contact afterwards, I mean obviously don't blow her **** up right after the date but sometimes acting to mysterious can hurt you too, almost happened to me.

 

[PeasantPlayer]

Listen most people are medicore. Poke around a bit have fun, not every angle will get a girl to open up for dozens of reasons. Nothing works for everyone, she might be a chick who sees herself with someone not as smart.....let that be her problem

 

[TheFixer14]

All of these guys are giving you the standard generic advice.

Truth be told, most women aren't worth your time. Screening is a big deal.

 

[Trump]

Bro something is not adding up with this story. You are having sex with above average girls on 2nd dates, and then you say they tell you they didn't 'feel a connection?' How much more of a connection than skin on skin contact do they want? Either you are not giving them good sex, they have a boyfriend, they just wanted to cheat, or you are not telling us the whole story.

Your job is to have sex with them, not to 'connect' with them. It's HER job to connect. If you try to 'connect', there are 700 things that you may say that may offend or that can go wrong so she can find an excuse to back out. If you just try to have sex, she can't find an excuse.

 

[TheFixer14]

Bro something is not adding up with this story. You are having sex with above average girls on 2nd dates, and then you say they tell you they didn't 'feel a connection?' How much more of a connection than skin on skin contact do they want? Either you are not giving them good sex, they have a boyfriend, they just wanted to cheat, or you are not telling us the whole story.

Your job is to have sex with them, not to 'connect' with them. It's HER job to connect. If you try to 'connect', there are 700 things that you may say that may offend or that can go wrong so she can find an excuse to back out. If you just try to have sex, she can't find an excuse.

Just more bull****.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

Better sex, less trying to impress. All the storytelling seems really insecure. Heck, guys can get laid just by grunting at the right moments in a conversation.

If a woman says "you are a nice guy" that translates as 'you aren't offensive but you are drying my panties up'.

 

[resilient]

I agree with daddymonsterpoodle.

Learning to trust the frame and speak less is something we should all be doing on dates as DJs. Shutting up often enough conveys confidence and gives insecurity the boot.

Try to be conscious of how much talking you're doing and how much talking she's doing in the conversation -- in the moment. If you're talking too much, scale it waaaay back.

Another tip I have I got from a coworker. Try asking a question and in your heard count silently to ten. This removes your instinct to interrupt or fill in dead air when she doesn't respond immediately. Sometimes women just need time to think about your question and respond in kind.

I used to talk too much until recently. I still slip up, yet I've noticed, I've been getting better at holding back the nerves. When I get nervous on a date, I launch into story telling mode about how exciting my recent weekend was camping, hiking, and exploring with friends. I realize now by spending too much time DHV'n my stories, I don't leave not enough time to find out more about her by removing the opportunity for her to talk.

By letting her drive the conversation more, you end of creating more attraction opportunities to relate and 'connect' on mutual hobbies, interests, and values rather than keep her bored to tears by keeping her thoughts far from the date she's on and loosing the opportunity to escalate anything.

Lastly, I bought an ebook on Amazon lately that helped me get through some sticking points in conversation that may benefit the OP. It's called "Conversational Casanova: How to Effortlessly Start Conversations and Flirt Like a Pro." Some of the advice in there we've heard a million times or sounds like common sense, yet overall I did glean some insights on conversing with others from the book male and female (emphasis on women of course) .

I like this quote from Hitch (2005):

Hitch: When you're wondering what to say or how you look, just remember, she's already out with you. That means she said yes when she could have said no. That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off. So that means it's no longer your job to make her like you. It's your job not to mess it up.​

 

[Roober]

conversation skills have never been a big issue for me. I do talk a bit too much sometimes. I don't get how you are bedding women, then can't connect? that doesn't make sense.

You made the mistake of telling her you are sick. Should have kept your mouth shut. I went on a date where I felt something coming down hard. Drugged myself up and went. HAd a great date, and I kino'ed hard... Didn't go for the kiss at the end of the night, but she still wanted another date. To be honest, I wouldn't even worry about getting a girl sick, lol

 

[Glassguy]

Whenever I had a date where I needed to worry how I came across, sure enough, the date didn't end well. Coincidence?

IDGAF is a state of mind. You go into the date, you entertain yourself, and you leave (assuming she rejected your ONS attempts). She is simply a tool for the evening. Herein is the strongest weapon in a DJ's artillery, DGAF.

This.

You are trying to sell yourself rather than creating a situation where they are trying to sell themselves to you.

You probably come across as a super nice guy and agree with everything she says, even if you dont. Nice is great but try to sh!t test her a few times.

One recent date asked me if I liked blondes. I replied "not usually". She was blonde.

Dont be afraid to disagree (playfully) with them on dates. You have to spark their imagination about you and right now its seems its the other way around.

One thing that I normally do on ALL first dates is say "You only have me until (enter time) tonight. I have some other things I have to get taken care of....". Make it an hour or hour and a half. In her mind she will be wondering what is more important than the date, and she will know she is on a time frame to be impressive. Not to mention secks will escalate much faster if she knows you're not going to feed her drinks for 3 hours. It almost turns it into a contest on whether or not she can keep me out longer.

And dont be afraid to flake once early on with a new chick. Be nice about it. "Hey hun, something came up. Sorry that I cant make it tonight, I was looking forward to meeting up with you. I will be in touch and let you know when I am available again". Wait a day or two and set it up.

You need to be adding value to yourself, not adding value to these chicks you are talking to.

 

[Herb]

Good stuff, here gentleman, thank you.

I was wondering however, if building connections is something you always have under your control or just something that happens with some girls and not others, based on differences in personality. My last date actually, on the contrary, went quite well, even though I didn't approach it that differently. She just happened to be a lot more passionate about the stuff I was into as well, and was quirky in a similar way (though the other girl still shared a lot of interests too). The date lasted like 2 hours inside and we talked and made out for almost another hour outside our cars in the cold until I said I had to go (we live far apart and I wasn't gonna screw first date, but I will this week).

I wonder if my inability to escalate physically, among other things, had an impact on the previous girl.

Well, stories are a fine addition to an interaction, but it doesn't hit their emotions enough. Humor and teasing does that, to go on the edge where you know someone would be offended but if she's cool she won't. Don't try to impress them, just have fun with them.

Basically you've probably played it too safe and that makes you a nice boring guy. If you can throw in a few unexpected plot twists they'll feel all sorts of things for you.

My girlfriend doesn't even know half the stuff I know about the world and neither does my knowledge interest her. My playfulness, humor and uniqueness intrigues her a lot though. That costs me about zero effort, the less effort I put into trying to appear one way or another the better it is.

I was at your level a few years back. I realized being intellectual isn't going to work, and I'd be bored to death if a woman was that intellectual towards me. I just let go of it, let my mind wander where it goes and speak freely rather than structuring my thoughts too much.

Just relax and let yourself go more, remove a few filters. Don't fear saying "the wrong things", more fvck ups equals more opportunity to make some fun.

This is the stuff I was looking for. Confirms what I was thinking. It's really the little things, the playfulness, the teasing, the humor, etc. that resonate the most and build connections I guess. I coulda thrown in more twists.. I did tell her about times that I almost died on various occasions, like hiking across crevasses in the Alps and crossing the border into disputed territories near Russia, and tried making them interesting. But maybe I could've added more suspense, drama, and teasing. I did tease her occasionally but I kept jumping around topics so quickly that it probably didn't really have a chance to sink in and affect her. Didn't really delve into one topic deep enough and just skirted a lot of things. Which explains the "keep up with you" comment maybe. Now that I think back on it, it's honestly not so much me consciously trying to impress as much as my natural tendency to go off on tangents and jump on any new mention of a topic, telling her about my connection to it. I feel like it's at least partly the ADD in action. I don't pay attention enough to the overall direction of the interaction and what I'm really supposed to be doing here, and get bogged down in the little things like I'm just talking to a friend, haha.

I INVITE ackward pauses and running out of things to say. This signals confidence and the threat of withholding my time and attention, which are my two most valuable assets.

So tension and things like that actually raise sexual attraction. You know, it's funny, I remember dates years ago in college where things were a lot more tense on my end, and I (or both of us) were more shy and not exactly smooth in conversation, with plenty of awkward pauses... yet some of these dates turned out more rewarding than the one I mentioned in the OP somehow! I wasn't nervous at all on that date, yet I guess I bored her. Hell, back in high school, I was quite shy and quiet but I had several cute girls asking me out for some reason. This doesn't make sense. Maybe the mystery from being quiet and aloof is appealing and interesting; if you just talk and talk about everything you do and give it all away like I did the other week, they have nothing to be interested in.

Dont be afraid to disagree (playfully) with them on dates. You have to spark their imagination about you and right now its seems its the other way around.

I do try to now and then, yeah. Sometimes I pull it off right, and other times I don't, and end up making em mad.

Hitch: When you're wondering what to say or how you look, just remember, she's already out with you. That means she said yes when she could have said no. That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off. So that means it's no longer your job to make her like you. It's your job not to mess it up.

Nice. I'll have to remember that one.

Bro something is not adding up with this story. You are having sex with above average girls on 2nd dates, and then you say they tell you they didn't 'feel a connection?' How much more of a connection than skin on skin contact do they want? Either you are not giving them good sex, they have a boyfriend, they just wanted to cheat, or you are not telling us the whole story.

About the having sex and them saying we didn't connect like two weeks later, I'm serious about that and not lying. Maybe what I didn't include was that I may have done something to upset them.. like for instance this girl last year was hinting strongly she wanted me to come see her at this event she was hosting and helping to organize, but I couldn't (and in retrospect I didn't exactly make up a good excuse); she tried playing it off like it wasn't a big deal and that I shouldn't really go out of my way for it, and I foolishly bought into this haha. I also didn't give her anything for Valentine's Day that weekend cause I thought it was too soon and that would just make things seem too serious; instead I texted her some joke meme about Valentine's Day. It was after that that she gave me the "no romantic connection" spiel. She said something about just being friends and I accepted that, but eventually she just stopped replying after I offered to meet her for a cup of coffee.

 

[Glassguy]

Connections are a result of timing, personalities and interests. Take any one of those factors out and it will be tough sledding.

 

[Herb]

Agreed. As an update, the more recent chick I had the good date with the previous week drove like over an hour to get to my place across state lines. I was still just "myself" (even showing a more vulnerable and genuine side, which she called "dorky" in a cute way) as I was on the other date. Even though I took her to a crappy movie, she still came over to my place and we had really good sex that woke the neighbors at 2 in the morning. She wants to see me again and keeps texting me all the time. We genuinely had a good time and I guess that's just an example of a natural connection existing there. Or at least the potential for that was much greater than the other girl, even if the other girl was nice and bubbly on the outside and easy to talk during the date. This girl is cool but just lives real far away so I'll have to think about my next steps before she gets too attached.

Some of it is outside of your control. Personality, interests, and yes timing all play big roles.