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Lack of action lead to Friendzone - how to get out?

WeaponOfWar

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Hey guys!

This is a long story. Two years ago I got out of a very long and serious relationship. We were living together for two years and she wanted to take things further and I wasn't ready.

Since then I've been avoiding dating to try and focus on myself. Which has been going great, I work at one of the top tech companies out there, getting ready for my first bodybuilding competition, I've travelled more countries than ever.

At this point I don't really have time or desire to date, I've gone on a few and I always get bored as I keep finding people who don't really excite me enough.

I work in the UK, but I go monthly to easter europe, where I'm from.

Last summer I met this girl while visiting home. I'm 26, she's 21. She was hot and we were getting along great. We'd meet outside on a bench and talk for hours. Her body language was dead, I'd sit in the middle and she'd sit in a corner. We met a few times but at one point I cut contact as she would be very flaky about meetings as her time management was bad. I wasn't going to keep wasting my time.

Fyi when we meet she told me she isn't looking to date specifically as she enjoys freedom and meeting people etc.

Two months passed by and Covid hit. Last time we met, I told her if she ever needs help coding to let me know. So one day she texts me if I can help her.

I was very uninterested in her, but I enjoy helping people, especially with this as I tend to teach others in my free time. So I said ok. I'd have video calls with her, she'd try to make more conversation but i was very aloof.

Eventually, I let my guard down and started talking more. We started to really connect, she apologies for how she acted before. In quite a short time we were talking daily. She'd always be quite weird about sex. Very reserved. Although she has had sex before, out of relationships and had a very short relationship, 5 months with a possessive person. At one point she admitted that she likes me. We eventually were on the same page, we both couldn't wait to meet and be intimate and spend time together.

When I finally went back home after the lockdown was done, I couldn't meet right away. We started talking a bit less. Then when we met, we were again outside on the bench, her body language was exactly the same which really messed with my head. When I took her home she ended up staying and looking at me, I am 110% sure she wanted me to kiss her, but I was so weirded out by her cold body language that I just couldn't do it.

I invited her over for movies, we were connecting well and we watched a movie. I sat in the middle of the bed, then she got into a corner and basically wrapped herself like a cocoon with only her head out, very far from me. Again I was very confused, what was going on. She quickly went upstairs, I didn't get a chance to kiss her.

She behaved the same next time. So I asked her, why is she acting like she's afraid of me? She told me she's in a weird period where she's not really looking to date or meet people right now, I'm the only guy she's been talking to from Tinder for so long and she really loves my company. That she's weird and loses interest fast in people etc. and she doesn't know how long this thing will last. She even told me sex would complicate things ( all of a sudden?). Eventually she tells me at this point not to wait for her and that she can only be my friend now. I realise it can't get worse so what the hell. I grab her head to massage it, and tell her to come closer so I can do it properly. I start massaging her back, under her clothes, legs, and eventually i just start grabbing her ass, and inner thighs. I sit on her and start rubbing those areas until I can hear her breathing very heavily, she was getting turned on. She was on her stomach so I couldn't flip her around, I tell her to turn (so i can kiss her) and she tells me she's too comfortable like that. At one point i kiss her on the neck and no reaction. Again tell her to turn to me but she won't. I ask her about the massage, if that's how friends do it and she eventually doesn't know what to say so she pauses and then "what i said still stands".

After that she barely talked to me for a week, even saw her at the gym and she acted odd. She told me nothing is wrong, all conversations would be killed by her. So I decided to drop it. Just went no contact for a week or so.

She eventually texted me and started talking more. I was being distant, I asked her to come to mine. I cooked for us and we played some board games. We went into very deep talk and started having "moments", where she would just stare at me and give me these big smiles, we would flirt and it was all good. Eventually she asked me randomly how tall I am. She then stood up and compared herself to me saying "it's not that bad '' (she's shorter than me). That night she also proposed we do a party where I bring a friend and she brings one. When I took her home, she hugged me, while letting go I stopped and held her, she then looked at me, face turned and started smiling but not turning her head, let herself go a bit back. I smiled as well and let her go as I felt she wasn't ready for it. Her reaction, even though she didn't turn her head, she smiled at me and laughed, but in a cute way. She realised what I wanted to do.

At one point again I made fun of her height and told her that she likes that I'm tall, which she agreed.

She asked me to meet. We went to my place and were just hanging out in the kitchen. I told her let's do that party at my best friend's house. So I ask her what her friends' tastes are in boys and then I ask what she likes as a flirt.. She starts describing her ideal guy which was basically me..except she says "tall but not too tall, I'm a bit over that limit and it's intimidating, that she doesn't want to look like a sister next to a guy”. This made no sense to me as she always said she's really into me being tall, even last time when she compared herself. I told her the guy she is describing is me more or less, and she shrugs as in "not quite", tells me it's due to the height and then not sure if she wanted to say anything more. She then starts joking that she can introduce me to her friend as her friend told her I'm hot at the gym. It seemed like she was making up random flaws for me. Then kept saying during the night find me a guy that fits my description (jokingly). All the flirting I would try to do at that point she would shut down. It was like since the last meeting her attitude changed completely. I asked her as a test if she likes guys with piercings and then tattoos ( as i have them), which she said yes, and then she asked me "why? do you have piercings?". So she was still thinking of me.

We had the party on Friday and her friend couldn't come so she was alone. We start drinking and socialising. It went really well, but her behaviour was quite neutral. At the end we were alone. I kept looking for an opening. We played a few more games and went to smoke in the kitchen where we talked. At one point she did expose her neck (not sure how relevant it is), but was across the table. We ate and then we go to bed, SAME BED, but she just crashes on her stomach on the side. I just pet her head until she falls asleep ( took about 2 min). She spent half of the other day there, but she acted the same, very friendly but always at a distance. I could never see a clear sign to kiss her. She'd sit on her phone at times and ask me what I'm doing as I was stuck a bit in my head thinking wtf is going on. She would show me at times random chicks on instagram and ask me if they are hot, me being an idiot, I say my neighbour(her) is, her reaction is non-existent.

She told me not to worry as we are friends. I tell her that I'm not just meeting with you because we are friends, as I like her and she tells me we already talked about this, I shouldn't wait for her, or "if i want to meet with you and spend time does it mean necessarily that I want something else?". I started confronting her about her mixed signals, at one point she told me I only understand things the way I want to, as she told me she avoids talking about sex and never told me she can't wait, so I told her that's bs and I can simply show her screenshots of those conversations. She tells me "oh i forgot about that. The thing is I have a lot of things to do now and I'd like to focus on that".

At this point I thought maybe she thinks I want something super serious, (I am looking for something more casual as I don’t have time), I live in another country for the next year. So I told her "relax I don't want a relationship right now, I'm the type of person who needs space. I want to keep in contact with you but I won't be acting anymore like just your gay friend." Then she asks me, what are we going to do then as I don't understand. I told her we will find a way and talk about it live. It's clear that she still wants me around.

I've come to care for her after talking for so long. Most of the people I know tell me that I should just kiss her already, but now I really don't expect a good outcome.

Can this be turned around ?

I could either try confronting her and talking to see if she is just worried of me wanting a big commitment, if it’s not that I will tell her I can’t keep acting like just a friend and maybe even kiss her? Or do a Corey Wayne and walk away. We even discussed meeting up again for a party and bringing her friend, which might be good since her friend told her to get with me.
 

WeaponOfWar

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I realise that because I wasn't pursuing her actively when I came home and especially that I didn't kiss her that night it was a big issue. As in her head this was probably lowering her interest/attraction in me. Maybe there's some truth to her "want to focus on myself" reason? I'm really not sure if i should have forced things more during the night with the massage...but when somebody is like that it feels too...forced. Even shy ones would give more signs.
 

Bigpapa

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By the looks of it she is a shy person and you did everything except for sexualizing the escalation .

she is shorter than you which means that you could have easily turned her on her back and man kiss her after you kissed her on the neck and she did not said anything .

this article nails down best your problem

 
Last edited:

bat soup

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Hey guys!

This is a long story. Two years ago I got out of a very long and serious relationship. We were living together for two years and she wanted to take things further and I wasn't ready.

Since then I've been avoiding dating to try and focus on myself. Which has been going great, I work at one of the top tech companies out there, getting ready for my first bodybuilding competition, I've travelled more countries than ever.

At this point I don't really have time or desire to date, I've gone on a few and I always get bored as I keep finding people who don't really excite me enough.

I work in the UK, but I go monthly to easter europe, where I'm from.

Last summer I met this girl while visiting home. I'm 26, she's 21. She was hot and we were getting along great. We'd meet outside on a bench and talk for hours. Her body language was dead, I'd sit in the middle and she'd sit in a corner. We met a few times but at one point I cut contact as she would be very flaky about meetings as her time management was bad. I wasn't going to keep wasting my time.

Fyi when we meet she told me she isn't looking to date specifically as she enjoys freedom and meeting people etc.

Two months passed by and Covid hit. Last time we met, I told her if she ever needs help coding to let me know. So one day she texts me if I can help her.

I was very uninterested in her, but I enjoy helping people, especially with this as I tend to teach others in my free time. So I said ok. I'd have video calls with her, she'd try to make more conversation but i was very aloof.

Eventually, I let my guard down and started talking more. We started to really connect, she apologies for how she acted before. In quite a short time we were talking daily. She'd always be quite weird about sex. Very reserved. Although she has had sex before, out of relationships and had a very short relationship, 5 months with a possessive person. At one point she admitted that she likes me. We eventually were on the same page, we both couldn't wait to meet and be intimate and spend time together.

When I finally went back home after the lockdown was done, I couldn't meet right away. We started talking a bit less. Then when we met, we were again outside on the bench, her body language was exactly the same which really messed with my head. When I took her home she ended up staying and looking at me, I am 110% sure she wanted me to kiss her, but I was so weirded out by her cold body language that I just couldn't do it.

I invited her over for movies, we were connecting well and we watched a movie. I sat in the middle of the bed, then she got into a corner and basically wrapped herself like a cocoon with only her head out, very far from me. Again I was very confused, what was going on. She quickly went upstairs, I didn't get a chance to kiss her.

She behaved the same next time. So I asked her, why is she acting like she's afraid of me? She told me she's in a weird period where she's not really looking to date or meet people right now, I'm the only guy she's been talking to from Tinder for so long and she really loves my company. That she's weird and loses interest fast in people etc. and she doesn't know how long this thing will last. She even told me sex would complicate things ( all of a sudden?). Eventually she tells me at this point not to wait for her and that she can only be my friend now. I realise it can't get worse so what the hell. I grab her head to massage it, and tell her to come closer so I can do it properly. I start massaging her back, under her clothes, legs, and eventually i just start grabbing her ass, and inner thighs. I sit on her and start rubbing those areas until I can hear her breathing very heavily, she was getting turned on. She was on her stomach so I couldn't flip her around, I tell her to turn (so i can kiss her) and she tells me she's too comfortable like that. At one point i kiss her on the neck and no reaction. Again tell her to turn to me but she won't. I ask her about the massage, if that's how friends do it and she eventually doesn't know what to say so she pauses and then "what i said still stands".

After that she barely talked to me for a week, even saw her at the gym and she acted odd. She told me nothing is wrong, all conversations would be killed by her. So I decided to drop it. Just went no contact for a week or so.

She eventually texted me and started talking more. I was being distant, I asked her to come to mine. I cooked for us and we played some board games. We went into very deep talk and started having "moments", where she would just stare at me and give me these big smiles, we would flirt and it was all good. Eventually she asked me randomly how tall I am. She then stood up and compared herself to me saying "it's not that bad '' (she's shorter than me). That night she also proposed we do a party where I bring a friend and she brings one. When I took her home, she hugged me, while letting go I stopped and held her, she then looked at me, face turned and started smiling but not turning her head, let herself go a bit back. I smiled as well and let her go as I felt she wasn't ready for it. Her reaction, even though she didn't turn her head, she smiled at me and laughed, but in a cute way. She realised what I wanted to do.

At one point again I made fun of her height and told her that she likes that I'm tall, which she agreed.

She asked me to meet. We went to my place and were just hanging out in the kitchen. I told her let's do that party at my best friend's house. So I ask her what her friends' tastes are in boys and then I ask what she likes as a flirt.. She starts describing her ideal guy which was basically me..except she says "tall but not too tall, I'm a bit over that limit and it's intimidating, that she doesn't want to look like a sister next to a guy”. This made no sense to me as she always said she's really into me being tall, even last time when she compared herself. I told her the guy she is describing is me more or less, and she shrugs as in "not quite", tells me it's due to the height and then not sure if she wanted to say anything more. She then starts joking that she can introduce me to her friend as her friend told her I'm hot at the gym. It seemed like she was making up random flaws for me. Then kept saying during the night find me a guy that fits my description (jokingly). All the flirting I would try to do at that point she would shut down. It was like since the last meeting her attitude changed completely. I asked her as a test if she likes guys with piercings and then tattoos ( as i have them), which she said yes, and then she asked me "why? do you have piercings?". So she was still thinking of me.

We had the party on Friday and her friend couldn't come so she was alone. We start drinking and socialising. It went really well, but her behaviour was quite neutral. At the end we were alone. I kept looking for an opening. We played a few more games and went to smoke in the kitchen where we talked. At one point she did expose her neck (not sure how relevant it is), but was across the table. We ate and then we go to bed, SAME BED, but she just crashes on her stomach on the side. I just pet her head until she falls asleep ( took about 2 min). She spent half of the other day there, but she acted the same, very friendly but always at a distance. I could never see a clear sign to kiss her. She'd sit on her phone at times and ask me what I'm doing as I was stuck a bit in my head thinking wtf is going on. She would show me at times random chicks on instagram and ask me if they are hot, me being an idiot, I say my neighbour(her) is, her reaction is non-existent.

She told me not to worry as we are friends. I tell her that I'm not just meeting with you because we are friends, as I like her and she tells me we already talked about this, I shouldn't wait for her, or "if i want to meet with you and spend time does it mean necessarily that I want something else?". I started confronting her about her mixed signals, at one point she told me I only understand things the way I want to, as she told me she avoids talking about sex and never told me she can't wait, so I told her that's bs and I can simply show her screenshots of those conversations. She tells me "oh i forgot about that. The thing is I have a lot of things to do now and I'd like to focus on that".

At this point I thought maybe she thinks I want something super serious, (I am looking for something more casual as I don’t have time), I live in another country for the next year. So I told her "relax I don't want a relationship right now, I'm the type of person who needs space. I want to keep in contact with you but I won't be acting anymore like just your gay friend." Then she asks me, what are we going to do then as I don't understand. I told her we will find a way and talk about it live. It's clear that she still wants me around.

I've come to care for her after talking for so long. Most of the people I know tell me that I should just kiss her already, but now I really don't expect a good outcome.

Can this be turned around ?

I could either try confronting her and talking to see if she is just worried of me wanting a big commitment, if it’s not that I will tell her I can’t keep acting like just a friend and maybe even kiss her? Or do a Corey Wayne and walk away. We even discussed meeting up again for a party and bringing her friend, which might be good since her friend told her to get with me.
This woman was showing low interest from start to finish. She just pretended she was interested so that she could use you for attention for a while.

Look at her actions, not her words.
 

samspade

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She sounds like a tease or just messed up in the head. She either knows she exhibits obviously bad body language and hot/cold behavior or doesn't and can't help it. If after the massage and neck kissing she wasn't turning herself around to kiss you, I wouldn't consider her worth the time. You didn't do that badly, aside from spending too much time in her company amid all this "confusion." But I don't think you kissing or not kissing her on the lips would have made much of a difference in this case.
 

WeaponOfWar

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@Bigpapa maybe she was shy at first but in the end, she acts like things didn't happen.

@bat soup attention for a year and a half? I think that's a bit much, unless she's insane haha

@samspade starting to lean into messed up in the head. I tried to talk to her since she just seemed to want things but holds back, no luck back then.
 

Bigpapa

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@Bigpapa maybe she was shy at first but in the end, she acts like things didn't happen.

@bat soup attention for a year and a half? I think that's a bit much, unless she's insane haha

@samspade starting to lean into messed up in the head. I tried to talk to her since she just seemed to want things but holds back, no luck back then.
the problem is that you were not firm when you had the chance to do something about it , and tried to talk with her about it .

you do not talk with girls about it , you either actually do something about it , either you do not .

read that article that I shared with you , and with will from your side and some luck you might do a comeback.

fingers crossed ! :)
 

WeaponOfWar

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@bat soup I haven't dealt with one since highschool. Can't stand them. What do you think is the best way to turn them on their head?

I've found indifference to work sometimes or starting to act like a ****, but it's not specifically my style. They are a breed that I still struggle to master when it comes to getting to the point of sex, maybe because I"m usually quite straight forward and drop people who play mind games as I don't have energy for them.
 

Clamslammer

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Can you spell this.....F. R. I. E. N. D. Z. O. N. E

Next time you like a girl you make sure she knows it
 

Kotaix

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This woman sounds extremely insecure, which is pretty normal among women. They see every flaw they have and make up some for good measure.

Given her behavior, she sounds damaged (abused) on top of being insecure.

You mentioned her blurting out a few unprovoked comments. You need to pay very close attention to a woman when she blurts out things and listen to what she says. These are the times when she is telling you the truth and you should have a long hard look at what she said and what she meant. If she ever tells you that she's not good for you, you take that to heart and leave her be forever.

Do not listen to the voice in your head when it comes up with some kind of fantasy where you get together with her and everything works out. These thoughts are a complete waste of time and are divorced from reality. It sounds to me like you are here.

I would steer clear of her if I were you.
 

CAPSLOCK BANDIT

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@Kotaix what made you pick up on her being insecure?
Insecurity is not a state of being, but a response, all women experience insecurity in different situations, just as all men do.

The difference though, is that if a man does not immediately chase, shows hesitation, it breeds insecurity in her because your either low value or your too high value, either case is anxiety for her and the fast approach causes anxiety as well, but there is no... Perceived shift of values on her end.
 

Kotaix

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@Kotaix what made you pick up on her being insecure?
pretty much everything you said. between her curling up away from you, dead body language, sitting in the corner. She absolutely hates being the center of attention or having any attention focused on her. She could just be super introverted, but it sounds more like damage.
 

Robert28

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Be glad you aren’t the type of man this woman apparently goes for. She probably dates some fvcked up people.
 

Robert28

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she is low interest and if what she is saying is true, she is also damaged goods (avoidant attachment style, will never attach to anyone).

there is a woman like this in my life, she sends me suggestive texts and picture for validation, but she is too insecure to ever date someone like me. When I reciprocate, she leaves me on "read" or some deflective comment. She dates men she can control that won't cheat on her, but tries to use me to validate her. You might think that because you have options and things going for you that you cannot be used like this, but you can. Your high value makes you more validating, but likewise too threatening to risk dating.
I know a girl that’s avoid attachment like that but she dates guys that will cheat on her, make her think it’s her fault and she has to fight to win them back. Whole bag of fvcked up. But she still tries to keep me in her life because I own my own business, I’m successful, she sees me with beautiful women and she thinks if she calls me a “friend” that I won’t leave her like a boyfriend would do. Does that make sense? Does to her apparently. I’ve never asked her what her angle is but other people have explained that’s exactly what she’s doing. She wants to be seen with me because I’m her street cred to her friends, co workers, family but she won’t allow herself to develop feelings for me because she knows I’m above her. She’s a barrel of monkeys type crazy.
 

Robert28

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You're just a status object to her. She can even use you to make those cheating guys jealous. You're the only type of guy that can make that type of guy jealous to begin with.
Yep that’s exactly how others have explained it. She likes to be seen with me out in public, she likes her friends to see me with her, she likes her co-workers to ask “ohhh who was that cute guy that came by the store to see you? Girl he’s cute! What do you mean you’re just friends?” She gets a rush from that ****. Like whenever she asks me to do something it’s always something in public. Like going to see Christmas lights at the zoo, but I mean she pays for it so what the hell. She sometimes tries to talk about her dating life but I ignore it so she gets the hint that I ain’t interested in being a therapist. You always hear about how girls like her try to lock down a higher status guy but that isn’t always the case. She can’t friendzone me because she knows I have options and I blow off hanging with her sometimes. I’m like her male escort or rent a date or something lol
 

Bigpapa

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Yep that’s exactly how others have explained it. She likes to be seen with me out in public, she likes her friends to see me with her, she likes her co-workers to ask “ohhh who was that cute guy that came by the store to see you? Girl he’s cute! What do you mean you’re just friends?” She gets a rush from that ****. Like whenever she asks me to do something it’s always something in public. Like going to see Christmas lights at the zoo, but I mean she pays for it so what the hell. She sometimes tries to talk about her dating life but I ignore it so she gets the hint that I ain’t interested in being a therapist. You always hear about how girls like her try to lock down a higher status guy but that isn’t always the case. She can’t friendzone me because she knows I have options and I blow off hanging with her sometimes. I’m like her male escort or rent a date or something lol
your above mentioned example it is still called being friend zoned
 

Robert28

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your above mentioned example it is still called being friend zoned
Yeah, I guess, in a way. It’s not the typical friendzoning though. She’s always asking me to hangout, she knows I date other girls (she’s seen me with MUCH prettier girls than her). I dint spend a dime on her, I have nothing invested in her except for a little bit of time. I mean, she bought me a birthday present. All I got for her was send her a text for hers. Didn’t seem to bother her though.
 
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