Desire and Marriage
It never ceases to amaze me how readily divorced women (and sometimes thrice divorced) are to dispense tips on the makings for a great marriage. Or more fascinating is to hear pvssy-whipped husbands parrot these same lines. Divorced guy's marriage advice is usually "just don't get married." And as I'm getting more than a little sick of these "how-do-I-get/stay-married" threads lately, allow me to toss in my two cents here. Let me also add that you should NEVER be living with a woman you don't intend to marry within 6 months. This isn't a moral issue, it's simple pragmatism. How do you maintain leverage in an LTR? Don't move in with her and I guarantee you'll maintain leverage.
I've been married to a gorgeous, fun and loving woman for 10.5 years now and we've got fantastic, whip-smart 8 year old daughter. I'm not trying to gloss myself here, but I'm inclined to say I've got a pretty good marriage. In those 10.5 years I have yet to have a guy tell me he's getting more sex now than when he was single or dating his wife, but sex isn't the issue here - desire is the root of your problem.
All of those preconditions a woman had for you to accept YOUR offer of marriage - a good job, be a good provider, a good listener, be funny, have status, being reliable, a good physique; all of that does nothing to increase her desire to have sex with you. The single, bachelor, DJ is concerned with Interest Levels the married DJ should be concerned with Desire Levels.
So how do you prompt this Desire? How do you get a woman who knows every intimate detail about you for the past 10 years properly motivated to fvck you like she did when you were 28? Women will cry, "more romance!" and men will roll their eyes and murmer "alcohol." Put out of your head right now all of thess feminine-correct notions that you need to "rekindle the fire" or find some gimmicky ritual that will lead you back to that desire she picked up from some article in Cosmo - I've gone down that road before. 'Date Night' is a bandaid for a symptom of a larger ill and this is a prolonged lack of Desire. There is nothing worse than going through the motions of a pre-planned, pre-scripted, 'date-like-you-used-to-have' only to have your wife lay on the bed like a dead fish. No amount of opportunity (which is what a date night is, scheduled opportunity) will lead to her
wanting to have sex with you.
It's not about frequency, it's about quality. Frequency declines after marriage, it's just logistics (especially after kids), but spontanety doesn't have to. Would your wife fvck you in the car like she did when you were dating? Would she be up for fvcking in the great outdoors if you were hiking together somewhere? Would she be down for anything kinky that she hasn't done before or in ages or is it all just 'vanilla' sex before she finishes folding the laundry now? Here's a list of things you should do from a man's point of view:
Make her want it
If you've dated and/or been married for years, she probably feels pretty secure with you and whatever degree of control she has in regards to regulating the flow of sex.
Make her uncomfortable. As counterintuitive as it sounds, this is the single most important advantage you can take. Begin to incrementally take the power that her intimacy has had sway over you for the past years back from her. When you were unmarried even the slightest bit of anxiety that she may be put off for another, better prospect than herself prompted that desire to fvck you better than the others.
Most important though is to do this
covertly. If you overtly go popping off about how you're taking your balls back and she'd better shape up or you'll be looking for a woman who is into fvcking you, you're dead in the water. You have to imply with your attitude and behavior that somethng's changed in you.
The best DJ principle to remember in marriage is that you will only get what you've gotten if you keep doing what you've done before.
The power of the 'Takeaway'
In one form or another DJs use the takeaway to mold behavior. This is behavioral psychology 101, reinforce the behaviors you want and punish the ones you don't, all the time remembering that too much reward leads to satiation and cesation (or at least decreased frequency) of the desired behavior. Don't buy your wife flowers in order to get her to fvck you, buy them AFTER she's performed accordingly and to your satisfaction. So many married men I know (even in their 60s
) still atempt to purchase sex from their wives by 'allowing' them to buy expensive things thinking it will lead to 'appreciation sex'. In reality it will invariably lead to expected and desireless
'debt sex'. Remember, the pool boy that your wife cheats on you for didn't buy her a goddamn thing to make her want to fvck him.
Your attention is your best tool in this regard. One thing I always tell AFCs on this forum is not to give away the farm on the first date and that women are by nature attention craving.
When you give away your attention without her having to seek it, it devalues your attention. This is a paradox in marriage because it's understood that she 'should' have 100% of your attention and after years of marriage there is zero mystery about you.
When you begin to take away attention she's grown accustomed to she will seek it. And again you must do this covertly as she will respond to it coverty. You have to be sensitive to the adjustments she makes in her attention seeking, in conversation, in posture, in habit and behavior, becasue she wont overtly tell you "oh please pay attention to me." This will add to her desire to have sex with you (as well as respect the value of your attention) in order to reaffirm this attention. Sex then becomes a reinforcer for her in this attention seeking which you can then use to modify her behavior - in this case being genuine desire.
Other forms of the Takeaway may include certain regularities she's grown used to over the years that she takes for granted. One of these is a regular kiss. I used this to a great effect with my own wife. I would regularly come home from work and go kiss my wife as soon as I saw her, she became accustomed to this and after a few years I came to realize that I was like a puppydog in this regard, immmediately seeking affection as soon as I got home so I began to take this away. Eventually she covertly recognized this and began to greet me at the door with a kiss. She was prompted to desire that connection by a covert Takeaway.
Stay in shape
Nothing kills married sex faster than one or both partners letting themselves go physically. Most married Mothers who do so love to use their pregnancies as justification for their lack of motivation and obesity. Arousal is the important component to desire. If your wife kept herself in bikini model shape after she'd been overweight your desire to fvck her would undoubtly increase. The same applies to you. Every day I'm in the gym I see countless 30 and 40 somethings straining and training as if their lives depended on it. Actually, their lives do depend on it. For far too long we've been taught that "it's what's on the inside that counts" and how wonderful inner beauty is. Funny how hard men and women will train once they're divorced eh? The question is, what is it about their situation that would make them take care of themselves physically that they wouldn't while married? Before the divorce, they never had the time or motivation, but now it seems they have plenty of both.
By staying shape - and by that I mean better shape than your spouse if possible - you send a message, not only of confidence, but a covert understanding that she'll have some veiled competition for your attention. Thus you not only create genuine desire by physical arousal, but you simultaneously create a psychology of desire by prompting her natural competitive impulses.
Spontaneous combustion
As Pook is wont to say,
"predictable is BORING!" There's nothing more predictable than sex with the same person you've been getting busy with for years. Oddly enough the spontanety principle is exactly why garbage advice like 'date night' and "keeping it fresh" articles in Marie Claire sell magazines and don't save marriages. All of these "freshen it up" ideas are predictable. For all of the wacky ideas you can come up with for 'new' sex, you're still fvcking the same lady you married years ago. You've got to be willing to push the envelope with her expectations of predictability. Suggest it when she least expects it. Tell her to flash you her boobs or some other cheap thrill when the opportunity presents itself at the beach or somewhere semi-public. Creating a condition of desire doesn't have to directly and immediately lead to intercourse. Ask her for a hummer in the parking lot before you go to dinner one night. Even the asking is arousing. Even if she turns you down you can still use her rejection to your advantage since it implies that, perhaps at some point in time, she (or some other girlfriend you had) used to do this because she wanted to. When you do proposition your wife make it seem as if it just popped into your head at that very moment. ****y & Funny works wonders for spontaneity in marriage. Again, think covert, not overt. Overt requires planning and planning = predictable and boring. Covert implies spontaneity.
