Keeping the Interest Level High w/ GF

[WORKEROUTER]

I've been going out with my gf for about a month now, and so far, it's going alright. However, I have occasionally noticed signs that seem to illustrate that her IL doesn't seem to appear as strong as it was, say, a week after we started going out. For instance, she won't seem as enthusiastic about going out as she used to be. Or she'll act a bit more disagreeable about things. Or less affectionate.This may just be due to the gradual diminishment of the so-called "infatuation" stage, but nevertheless, I would prefer to have it as it was initially.

So, what sort of ways help to keep up a higher interest level with a gf? I should probably stop contacting her as much (we both live on campus and usually see each other every day). When I'm around her, I try my best to be in a lively, exciting mode.

Also, if her IL has decreased since we've been going out, how can I once again raise it?

Thanks

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Simple. Start doing the things that you did before you started dating one another. What ever you've stopped doing once you began the relationship, start doing it again.

 

[DeathDealer]

yep, past the infatuation stage.. now into comfy stage. A lot of relationships go into this, this is where the "personality is important" part comes in.

Sorry to say this, but you can't really increase interest level. When it starts dropping, it keeps going the more things you do that she isn't in tune with.

 

[Kaine]

Ouch, one month and already the interest is flagging?

At least you're attentive enough to notice the signs of flagging interest. You've been around for a while so I'm sure you're pretty switched on, here are just some reminders.


1. Have you changed? Then as suggested above you may need to reconfigure your behaviour and make sure your aren't slowly showing signs of pussification.

2. You maybe seeing her way to much, give her the gift of missing you.

3. Be spontaneous and retain some mystery.

4. Push and pull, a very important one I'll say time and again, you need to keep feeding her emotional engine. This goes along with the gift of giving.


Let me know if you need any clarification

You only get what you put in

Kaine

 

[WORKEROUTER]

Originally posted by Kaine
Ouch, one month and already the interest is flagging?

At least you're attentive enough to notice the signs of flagging interest. You've been around for a while so I'm sure you're pretty switched on, here are just some reminders.


1. Have you changed? Then as suggested above you may need to reconfigure your behaviour and make sure your aren't slowly showing signs of pussification.

2. You maybe seeing her way to much, give her the gift of missing you.

3. Be spontaneous and retain some mystery.

4. Push and pull, a very important one I'll say time and again, you need to keep feeding her emotional engine. This goes along with the gift of giving.


Let me know if you need any clarification

You only get what you put in

Kaine

Some clarification about the push and pull idea would be helpful. And about seeing her, as I said, we usually see each other every day (not going out..often just studying or something). Should this be stopped? And how often would you suggest?

And although I don't like to say, I am usually the one who initiates the contact to seeing each other. I try not to, but I end up doing it anyway. Would you consider this AFC...and suggest forcing myself not to do this?

Thanks

 

[becker]

I was in this exact situation just last month. Saw the girl everyday since we were co-workers (I know, against the rules, but we're on good terms, so there is absolutely no problems, plus, she was temporary). Anyways, lasted about a month, likely because we had the infatuation stage, where she was calling me everyday, then slipped into the comfort stage, where you sort of get sick of seeing each other a little bit, since it's everyday.

My recommendation is to not see her everyday, and if you do, don't see her for too long. Keep it cursory. It's so key, because even though you don't want to get bored, it will often be the case if you're seeing each other too much.

Try to keep it to a few times a week if you can, it's much better for the relationship, I know it's not easy, but just do it.

 

[Kaine]

Push and pull. Giving attention then taking it away.

You can apply this in a variety of ways. Ie, I'm usually a very affectionate touchy person. I'll hug, wrestle her etc. Then on on occasion I'll just stop been fun loving and touchy and just quiet and cool.

Or another example, when we are together we have a great time. When we are apart, I hardly if ever contact her. So here I push (give her lots of affection and attention when we are dating), I pull (don't give her attention by not contacting her or showing slowness to respond).

This makes her wonder about you, what you're thinking, whether it's something she did, and whether you really 100% like her. This is kinda like a miniture drama. DeAngelo calls this the vacuum effect and works really REALLY well. This "vacuum" you leave when pulling makes her uncomfortable and she'll seek equilibrium by pining for you.

Does that make sense?

Also you need to calibrate your behaviour based on her IL. If you are the one that initiates all the contact that may be fine if she is enthuiastic.

However you should consider letting her initiate the contact, let her work for your attention a little.

Otherwise->

If you do this all the time then this will be the status quo and she will more or less sit on her ass.
->The more you let her sit on her ass then the less you can expect her to work for your attention
->The less she has to work for you attention, the less value she sees in you
-> The less value she sees in you, the lower the IL
-> Leads to "sorry don't feel it anymore"

You need to fight the urge to find excuses to see her.
Go out of your way and end the interaction first. Make yourself busy when she expects you to call. You will need to do even if you aren't actually busy. Did you forget?
Things we value are rare and have to be worked for.

Remember in the game of attraction it's her perception of you.

Guage her IL and use these principles to mix up.

For example I had spent two days and nights in a row with a girl. We spent today having lunch and shopping, I could have just hung around after I dropped her off, and who wouldn't she's fantastic. She offers me food but I end the evening by excusing myself. I don't tell why, she hugs deeply and tells me she feels like she misses me already. Then she asks if we are meeting up again soon. I tell her yes in a round about way. She has been loyal to me for 5 months. These are good IL indicators, this is what you should be working for.

Kaine

 

[DeathDealer]

You say you initiate contact and initiate dates with her. How about just sit back and watch her do some work. Guess it's hard to accept that a girl can't recommend or suggest to go somewhere.

 

[AMF]

Kaine's got it covered all ends up and nicely sums up my game with my HB9 right now, too.

We shared a fantastic v-day and night, after which she stayed over mine (pull.) Then, no contact was made for whole of 15th (push) however much i wanted (shes fantastic, but things that are fantastic must be resisted to be fully appreciated.)

Knew if I waited, she would contact me, which she did this morning via a belated v-day card and present through my door.

She has initiated contact EVERY time.

The girl MUST initiate at least 80% of the time, simply because you - as the man or someone wanting to appear manly - must have a stronger will than her.

One other way I can think of to keep a relationship alive is to, quite simply, keep it fun, light-hearted and "friendly" at all times.

She'll be expecting you, at some point, to get all hung up/really "into her", and so expect (even want) you to lapse into the kind of slushy, emotional talk only "couples" share, where you are literally wasting time and effort tellig her how you feel... when it shouldnt need saying at all.

This is part of the desireless approach I find works so well.

 

[madgame]

If you guys feel remorse taking the advice look at it from this viewpoint:

You love your girlfriend and she's the best thing that's happened to you lately, but you can still have a blast if shes not around. Get a new hobby. Do stuff you like. Start playing basketball more often, learn japanese if you like foreign languages, use your freetime well. That way youll see her less often in a natural way without having to force urself to not call her and then think about her the whole time youre not being with her. Besides its good for u too if u saw her 24-7 sooner or later you would enjoy being with her less than you are now, too i guess. and dont worry about stuff like "but what if I end up living with her". You can live with a woman and still be a busy man and have your own life. I think keeping your own life is what it's really all about. HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE and you'll be fine.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by WORKEROUTER
I've been going out with my gf for about a month now, and so far, it's going alright. However, I have occasionally noticed signs that seem to illustrate that her IL doesn't seem to appear as strong as it was, say, a week after we started going out. For instance, she won't seem as enthusiastic about going out as she used to be. Or she'll act a bit more disagreeable about things. Or less affectionate.This may just be due to the gradual diminishment of the so-called "infatuation" stage, but nevertheless, I would prefer to have it as it was initially.

So, what sort of ways help to keep up a higher interest level with a gf? I should probably stop contacting her as much (we both live on campus and usually see each other every day). When I'm around her, I try my best to be in a lively, exciting mode.

Also, if her IL has decreased since we've been going out, how can I once again raise it?

Thanks

If you see each other every day, there's really no reason to be calling all the time as well...that much is true, if that's what you mean.

Be careful about giving up the things that YOU like to do just to spend time with HER. If anything, try to find things you two can do TOGETHER. For example if you work out a lot, try to get her in the gym with you. At first, just seeing each other is enough. After that starts to wear off, though, just getting together "for dinner and a movie, just to be together" gets old. Is it still going to be fun after the whole "I've got a boyfriend!/girlfriend!" stage wears off?

If not, maybe she's not the one. Maybe it's time to move on.

 

[becker]

It's just so important to not be doing stuff together constantly because that definitely makes things stale quick. It never seems like that would be the case in the beginning when you're infatuated with each other, but it does happen. When you feel like you're spending too much time together, you'll have to back off a little and not see her.

 

[WORKEROUTER]

Thanks for all the truthful responses.

I'm definately going to utilize the push-pull idea. And I've already ceased the incessant contact with her.