Keeping Myself in Power.. Doing it wrong.

[thebestthing]

Alright, I'll try to keep this short. (note, I'm 17, she's 17)

There's a girl here, pretty good looking but nothing serious, we've seen eachother a few times but it's gotten pretty complicated and I'm not sure what to do. She has a busy life, and I feel like I'm not worth much to her. I know, I know, greatest catch, I'm the best thing that could happen to her, etc. but this is getting annoying.

I'll give you a situation two weeks ago: We were scheduled to hang out Thursday. She calls me up and apologizes saying she can't hang out Thursday, she has basketball, but we could perhaps see a movie afterwards. The next day, I call her up at around 7:00 after it ends. She says she can't, she's sorry, and she promises we'll see eachother tomorrow. I ask her why and she says there's 'a lot going on.' I say 'It's fine, do what you have to do. See you tomorrow."

The next day I found out she went out with her friends that thursday, and I pretty much told her that if she didn't want to hang she could've just told me. Maybe I'm being a bit of an AFC, IDK. Or a lot of an AFC...

She said she made a promise, but it was her brothers birthday on Friday so she couldn't come. I asked her when the party ends - 6:00. I said "That's not enough time to do something?" and she said "I know I've let you down a lot, and I'm sorry. I'd make up for it if I could, I simply don't have time."
I said it's fine, just don't let me down tonight. She said she won't.

She calls me later while I'm at a sports bar seeing a band play, says her mom said she couldn't tonight due to the birthday thing. I flat out told her, "I made plans, you keep putting this off. I'm sick of trying to see you; you have my number, you call me if you want to hang."
and hung up.
She called me 30 minutes later and said she was on the way to my house.

Everything went fine that night; I bought her favorite candy since she sounded a little irritated, but when she got there she was alright and everything went fine.

the problem is now; I made plans with her last Friday to go somewhere with her tomorrow. I text her today to confirm plans, and she says "Wednesday."

She acts like I'm totally free and she can see me whenever she wants. I don't know what to say to this but I don't want to piss her off too much.

[****, I didn't keep this short. help?]

String of unlucky coincidence, or should I just stand up and move on?

 

[Cassanova_Child]

the way I see it, YOU have way too much free time on your hands, if you can wait around for her call, she blows you off, and you still have time to reschedule plans. Next time she calls you and says wanna hang out such and such time, tell her, "no, sorry, me and the guys are gonna go play soccer" or something like that.

women dont want guys who they perceive have low value - having a lot of free time on your hands equates a less social person.

other than that, you had good points. like when you said, "I made plans, you keep putting this off. I'm sick of trying to see you; you have my number, you call me if you want to hang."

shows you have backbone and you wont take her ****.

EDIT:

She acts like I'm totally free and she can see me whenever she wants. I don't know what to say to this but I don't want to piss her off too much.

there's your problem. the point is, she SHOULDNT be able to see you whenever she wants.

 

[thebestthing]

Well I see what you're getting at. I have been at a bit of a social depression lately.. not so much actually depressed, just not hanging out with friends as much as I should. I do want to see her though, but what do I tell her? I plan on calling her tonight.

 

[Cassanova_Child]

Well I see what you're getting at. I have been at a bit of a social depression lately.. not so much actually depressed, just not hanging out with friends as much as I should. I do want to see her though, but what do I tell her? I plan on calling her tonight.

You're calling her to make plans, right? I'd call her and say something like:

"hey lets meet up sometime this week, tell me when's good for YOU, considering you're always so busy." (this is good because if she flakes, you know shes full of ****, SHE set the date).

so say she responds with, "I'm busy monday, tuesday sound good?"

I'd say, "no, me and my friend are going out to a concert tuesday night... how about friday?"
to which she can either say, "friday sounds good" or "no, thats not good for me."
if she says the first, and she meets you, then you have a hang out. if she flakes, you know shes not really interested in seeing you. if she says no, thats not good, ask her to schedule a date, and go with THAT one. then, if she flakes, you know shes not interested, and you can next her.

 

[Igetit!]

When I first read this thread,I didn't know who's behavior disgusted me more,your behavior or hers. Because this is the high school forum,and you're only 17,I'm going to go easy on you.

Alright,let's get start...

There's a girl here, pretty good looking but nothing serious, we've seen eachother a few times but it's gotten pretty complicated and I'm not sure what to do. She has a busy life, and I feel like I'm not worth much to her.

Ah yes,the old "I'm busy" line. Of course you know this is a lie,right? She says she's too busy to hangout with you. Well let me ask you this: Does she eat? You know...food? She does eat,doesn't she?
Well if despite her busy schedule she still finds time to eat,then she could use that time to have lunch or dinner with you.

Maybe she is busy,but if she were really attraced to you,really interested in you,she'd make the time to see you.

I'll give you a situation two weeks ago: We were scheduled to hang out Thursday. She calls me up and apologizes saying she can't hang out Thursday, she has basketball, but we could perhaps see a movie afterwards. The next day, I call her up at around 7:00 after it ends. She says she can't, she's sorry, and she promises we'll see eachother tomorrow. I ask her why and she says there's 'a lot going on.'

The next day I found out she went out with her friends that thursday...

There. You see what I mean? She hung out with her friends. Well what happened to her being busy? She "found" time to hangout with her friends,didn't she? If I didn't know better,it seems like the only time she's "busy" is when YOU try to spend time with her.

If it's her family or friends,she available,but when you call her up to see her,all of the sudden she's got a thousand things to do.

Yeah,right.

and I pretty much told her that if she didn't want to hang she could've just told me. Maybe I'm being a bit of an AFC, IDK. Or a lot of an AFC...

You've got a lot to learn here man. I don't want to get into it all here,but you shouldn't have said that to her.

She said she made a promise, but it was her brothers birthday on Friday so she couldn't come. I asked her when the party ends - 6:00. I said "That's not enough time to do something?" and she said "I know I've let you down a lot, and I'm sorry. I'd make up for it if I could, I simply don't have time."
I said it's fine, just don't let me down tonight. She said she won't.

She calls me later while I'm at a sports bar seeing a band play, says her mom said she couldn't tonight due to the birthday thing. I flat out told her, "I made plans, you keep putting this off. I'm sick of trying to see you; you have my number, you call me if you want to hang."
and hung up.
She called me 30 minutes later and said she was on the way to my house.

You need to reread this part here over and over again because this section contains the answer to the question you're asking about what you should do with this girl. Everytime you put her in control,she disappoints you. But when you finally got fed up,put your foot down and took control,then she submitted herself to you and what you wanted. The answer you're looking for has ALREADY been within you the whole time,it just took this girl's foolishness to bring it out of you.

The trick is you shouldn't be waiting until this girl gets on your last nerve before you take control of the situation. You should have been in control the whole time.

Everything went fine that night; I bought her favorite candy since she sounded a little irritated, but when she got there she was alright and everything went fine.

the problem is now; I made plans with her last Friday to go somewhere with her tomorrow. I text her today to confirm plans, and she says "Wednesday."

Wanna take a guess as to what happened here?
You went back to letting her lead. First,you shouldn't have called her to "confirm",but too late,you already did. Then when you two were talking,she TOLD you Wednseday instead of the day you two had previusly discussed. You should have TOLD her,"No,were going tomorrow like we already discussed". If she had said no,then you should have told her the same thing you did when she straightened up and showed up at your place.

There's a key element you're missing from yourself that would REALLY make her stop playing games and straighten up which is...."the willingness to walk away". She needs to know without a shadow of a doubt that you are MORE THAN WILLING to walk away from her and date someone else.

That's what you're missing. That's why she keeps breaking dates with you. She feels like she can say whatever she wants,do whatever she wants,cancel and postpone dates at a last second's notice,and no matter what she says or does,you'll still be there waiting for her...and SHE'S RIGHT.

All she's doing is what YOU ALLOW her to do. If you let her run over you,she'll do it. When you put your foot down and told her "no more",she straightened up and got in line.

She's only doing what you allow.

She acts like I'm totally free and she can see me whenever she wants. I don't know what to say to this but I don't want to piss her off too much.

You don't want to piss her off. Yep,and that's the problem. You NEED TO piss her off. I don't mean for you to do things intentionally just to annoy or agrivate her.

What I mean is that you need to stand up like a man,and REFUSE to accept disrespectful behavior. You need to let her know that you want respect. That you expect nothing more,and that you'll accept nothing less,and if that is a problem for her,then she can GET LOST.

That's not a type-o,I said "GET LOST".

Why put up with all this nonsense and games if you don't have to?

 

[Cassanova_Child]

There's a key element you're missing from yourself that would REALLY make her stop playing games and straighten up which is...."the willingness to walk away". She needs to know without a shadow of a doubt that you are MORE THAN WILLING to walk away from her and date someone else.

That's what you're missing. That's why she keeps breaking dates with you. She feels like she can say whatever she wants,do whatever she wants,cancel and postpone dates at a last second's notice,and no matter what she says or does,you'll still be there waiting for her...and SHE'S RIGHT.

All she's doing is what YOU ALLOW her to do. If you let her run over you,she'll do it. When you put your foot down and told her "no more",she straightened up and got in line.

She's only doing what you allow.

You don't want to piss her off. Yep,and that's the problem. You NEED TO piss her off. I don't mean for you to do things intentionally just to annoy or agrivate her.

What I mean is that you need to stand up like a man,and REFUSE to accept disrespectful behavior. You need to let her know that you want respect. That you expect nothing more,and that you'll accept nothing less,and if that is a problem for her,then she can GET LOST.

That's not a type-o,I said "GET LOST".

Why put up with all this nonsense and games if you don't have to?

that's what I was trying to convey, in a far less eloquent, softer sort of way.

 

[thebestthing]

She hung out with her friends. Well what happened to her being busy?

I asked her the same damn question. She told me her friends knew she was depressed and planned a girls night out for her as a surprise, and how could she say know after they already showed up at her door?

(My response was "The same way you said no to me after we made plans three days in advance.)

I think I get what you're trying to convey, both of you have been a huge help. I just need to stop being a pansy and putting up with her crap.

so say she responds with, "I'm busy monday, tuesday sound good?"

I'd say, "no, me and my friend are going out to a concert tuesday night... how about friday?"
to which she can either say, "friday sounds good" or "no, thats not good for me."
if she says the first, and she meets you, then you have a hang out. if she flakes, you know shes not really interested in seeing you. if she says no, thats not good, ask her to schedule a date, and go with THAT one. then, if she flakes, you know shes not interested, and you can next her.

So this is what I need to say tonight?

You went back to letting her lead. First,you shouldn't have called her to "confirm",but too late,you already did. Then when you two were talking,she TOLD you Wednseday instead of the day you two had previusly discussed. You should have TOLD her,"No,were going tomorrow like we already discussed". If she had said no,then you should have told her the same thing you did when she straightened up and showed up at your place.

If I hadn't confirmed, she would've told me 'wednesday' anyway. She just would've done it tomorrow.

 

[Cassanova_Child]

I think I get what you're trying to convey, both of you have been a huge help. I just need to stop being a pansy and putting up with her crap.

there you go, you're starting to get it. say whatever you want when you call her, I personally don't recommend using canned lines ever. But make sure that you convey that you're in charge and you're not gonna tolerate her bull****. make sure she understands that you have other/better things to be doing than talking to her, and SHE should feel priveledged to talk to YOU, not the other way around.

EDIT: i don't know if you've read this, but considering you're on this site, you probably have.two good quotes I read here are:

don't put women on a pedestal.
and
you're the prize.

I'm sure you can figure out what those mean.

 

[thebestthing]

Yeah, I'm just wondering what to say to her tonight on the phone about the plans. Either try [and probably fail] to make her stick with tomorrow, or just let it go with wednesday.

 

[thebestthing]

Called her, no answer. Fantastic!

 

[Igetit!]

Called her, no answer. Fantastic!

WHY??? Why did you call her?

I don't think you understand what we've been saying to you.

Let me just say this plainly:SHE TAKES YOU FOR GRANTED.

She keeps giving you the run-a-round because she thinks she already has you won over. And guess what...can you blame her for thinking this?

After everything she's done,after all the postponing,all the flaking,all the ditching you to hangout with other people,after ALL THAT,here you are still waiting on her to give you a morsel of her time.

When most people would have giving up long ago because of all the games and flaking,you're still here.

Do you have any clue of what kind of message she's getting about you because of this?

She probably thinks you don't have any other options available to you besides her.

Don't fool yourself dude. Yeah,she's pushed this thing off until Wednesday,but judging by her history,as that day approaches,she'll just move it off farther into the future again...and why not? You'll still be there like a puppy standing on it's hind legs begging for a treat.

Even though you didn't get an answer when you called,your name will still show up on her caller ID.

She'll know that even though she's pulled trick after trick on you,you just keep coming back for more. Oh,and trust me,she continue to dish it out. This and worse.

You're REALLY going to be in for a shock when one of these times she blows you off because she's "busy",and then you find out that she went out...not with her friends,but with another guy.

Get ready for it,because sooner or later,this is going to happen.

It can be avoided,and you CAN turn this around...if you have the strength to do it.

 

[thebestthing]

I understand it fine. I shouldn't take her ****. Is there something wrong with calling to simply talk to a girl for a few minutes? She probably went to be early. Her curfew is 12. No big deal.

 

[Big Poppa]

Bro, you gotta learn not to care about the outcome. She cancels? So what, explain to her your "so what". She has your number, she'll call you. If she doesn't? Well, say hello to the cute girls that walk by.

Stop being her little doormat.

You notice how she acted when your manned up a the sports bar or whatever? Suddenly she wasn't busy anymore.

 

[thebestthing]

I KNOW I should stop being her little doormat. I KNOW I should NOT wait for her like a puppy.

My question here is HOW do this? What do I say to her that's going to make her understand, but isn't going to come off as a huge **** to her and she just hangs up on me or something. I do not know.

 

[pjtheman]

OH FOR ****S SAKE YOU *****!! MAN UP!! I have your atention? good. you need to cut of contact with her untill she calls you not the other way around, make you become the prize, this **** should be obvios by now, and if she won't call or make any effort (face it you seem to be that one pulling all the wieght here) next her and find someone else who will use that tiny amount of energy required to pick up a phone and call you to make plans, not the other way around. face it YOU NEED TO BE A MAN!!! the minute you started calling her and waiting on her, acting all needy and stupid, you took off your pants and handed them to her saying "here, you can wear these from now on, i'll never be needing them again." THINK about it!!!

 

[thebestthing]

I've read so many times on this site that it is the man's job to call and make plans. That's just how society works, I swear to God I read that in the DJ bible.

But yeah, I think I'll just leave her alone and pursue my own **** for a while. Til Wednesday, and if she puts it off again, I'm going to rip her a new one. Not because I'm supposed to, but because I'm tired of being the one that pulls all the weight.

 

[Igetit!]

I've read so many times on this site that it is the man's job to call and make plans. That's just how society works, I swear to God I read that in the DJ bible.

True,you are supposed to make the plans. Especially when you and a woman are first just getting to know each other. But that wasn't referring to the situation you find yourself in here.
I've been avoiding doing this because you need to learn internally what you did (and are still doing) wrong with this girl. It's better for you to come to an understanding yourself about what's going on here than for myself or another member to tell you what to do step by step in order to turn this thing around.

You're going to hate what I'm about to say,but it'll be for your own good.

It may be necessary for you to lose this girl in order for you to truly "get" what everybody here is trying to tell you. Because dude,you just don't get it. Even after everything everyone said to you,you just went right back to your original behavior of calling her and trying to see her again like you did before you made this thread.

We could guide you through this. We could even get you to the point of her toning down on the game playing and meeting up with you...BUT,she'd start acting better because you followed our instructions,NOT because you internally understand things and know how to act and behave properly.

Listen to the forum. They're steering you in the right direction.

I just wish you understood why we say the things we do.