Keep messing up on first date

[bunjy]

Hey guys, need some advice here.

Straight to the point. It appears Ive lost my ability to game chicks and this weekend messed up (again) on a first date. Heres the problem.

12 months ago I escaped a very bad relationship. Was living with a girl Id been with for 2 years and she had developed a problem with alcohol. The last 6 months of this relationship was a complete nightmare and eventually led to suffering problems with anxiety and depression (At 32 Ive never had any mental health issues before). In short, this relationship took its toll on me and my confidence/self esteem.

Anyway after leaving this relationship my anxiety and depression continued and I ended up in therapy. This has finished now and I feel much better generally but do still struggle with things I used to find a breeze. Dating is one of these things. In my everyday life Im back to the usual relaxed guy Ive always been.

Ive always been relatively good with women and had no problem getting girls. I can smooth talk and charm people quite well. This appears to have gone now and I feel kind of that Ive 'lost' my game. Since being single Ive been on four first dates and not managed to get to date 2. I never have a problem with the initial approach, getting the number, calling/txting them, arranging dates etc and am still quite good at this. Its the actual date Im messing up. I dont think Im doing anything obviously bad or blowing it completely but theres definitely somewhere Im going wrong. I always take the girl somewhere nice and make sure I look smart, have fresh breath etc but they never seem to want to meet again.

Since developing and struggling with anxiety I find it very hard to 'be cool' on a first date and tend to be extremely nervous. This is strange for me because Ive always been pretty laid back on first dates and its usually worked well. In turn this tends to lead to me acting very edgy and talking to much or being fidgety. For example, I met a girl in the bookshop the other week and got her number, spoke to her for a couple of weeks and arranged a date for Saturday just gone. She seemed very keen and I was looking forward to it. Anyway by the time Saturday came I was a complete bag of nerves and felt very under pressure before Id even met her. We went to a nice bar for a few drinks. I was conciously aware I was edgy and tense so tried my best to relax but it didnt work, my anxiety levels where too high and I ended up waffling far to much to her and probably coming across as a very stressed out person.

Again I didnt completely blow it but I certainly didnt put my best foot forward and didnt really show off the 'real me' as opposed to a edgy nervous guy. This has happened on every first date Ive had since developing anxiety problems. Whats annoying me is that I KNOW Im doing it.

So DJ's what can I do to get my game back? How can I move forward? Its getting tiring me messing up first dates repeatedly.

 

[BrainDamage92]

you gotta be real with yourself when you real a woman cant **** you up mentally

 

[bunjy]

you gotta be real with yourself when you real a woman cant **** you up mentally

What you mean man?

 

[bunjy]

I used to have the same problem, it's all a CONFIDENCE issue. It's like Tony Parker in the NBA right now, or any basketball player for that matter. They start losing confidence and can't knock down their shots, no matter their form or approach, they just lost their mojo like you!
What you need to do is try your best to relax. I know you said you couldn't, but try lifting some weights before going out or exercising to get adrenaline out of your system. Take a warm shower and make yourself as clean as possible. Wear something that is warm enough so you won't be cold, which makes anxiety worse, but also try not to get sweaty because that can make you feel anxious as well.
Just say WHATEVER you want. Don't overanalyze and just FLOW with the conversation. Don't force anything and let there be awkward silences if she's not willing to put in the effort to continue the conversation. Make her the one entertain you, not the other way around.
And instead of taking them somewhere 'nice', take them somewhere FUN! Not just dinner, where you're scraping for conversational topics and only focusing on the negative in your head. Take her some place where you can compete, like mini golf or go carts or something. Even bowling is a good activity as you can incorporate lots of kino and mess with her a bit, which most girls really enjoy. Try to make her associate you with fun, outgoing, and laid back. That's what you want to display.
I have to give you props for your valiant effort though. You've kept trying and that's always the best way to get better! Trust me when I say this, you WILL get better! I bet you once you've been on 2-3 more first dates, the anxiety will be gone! Set that as a goal for yourself and you'll feel very good a confident.
Also, one last tip: the whole date, smile and make eye contact. Women love a big smile and non-shifty eyes. It's confident and fun-loving. Keep working man.

Great advice, cheers mate. Yeah my confidence and self esteem really took a hit since coming out of a bad relationship and suffering with anxiety. I mean dont get me wrong I have still got some degree of confidence (as I said I have no problem chatting up women and landing dates) but Its really hit me hard how I keep messing up first dates. As you say I become anxious about how Im behaving on a date and in turn that makes me feel more anxious, which inevitably leads to me being edgy and talking too much.

I do feel that the next first date I go on (got one lined up for next week) I should maybe not put too much pressure on myself and just go with the conversation. I think my main problem over the past few first dates has been Im worried too much how Im coming across and tend to try and entertain which obviously isnt cool. In fairness to myself the last date I went on (a few days ago) when I reflect on it now she wasnt really putting much effort in herself, so maybe not so much my fault.

It been a really strange experience for me because Ive always been pretty cool and good and the whole dating thing.