Blacksheep
Master Don Juan
Some thoughts and things I want to put out of me. As I like to write down and here is a safe place for that.
"In my mind, sometimes its flooded with flashbacks like living again some trauma situations... Its like a endless loop where I keep watching this movie in my head. I lost on it... With silence and darkness of my room.
Sometimes I like that darkness and that silence. Like being hide from that deep pain. And I think about all that.
My flashbacks comes like this: babysitter physically and sexualy abusing me when 4yrs old, then I start to doubt if it was her or my mom. Then memories of my mom making me wash my teeth with my own poop cause I used to poop on my pants when child. My father taking me to his lover's house (Emilia was her name) and hear him asking me to wave to her... She was in the second floor on window waving at me. He cheated my mom. He ask me (4yr old child) to dont tell mom about that. I have a flash, I told her... My dad hates me.
Now Im with my dad at his motorcycle, holding my grandpas gift. I left it fell on the floor and it brokes... I heard my dad calling me retard, idiot, lame, stupid in front of people on gas station. Now I see images of my dad asking me to make pushups, I was fat and couldnt do it... He knew, and he laugh out loud with his friends saying I couldn do it.
My grandpa gave me some ducks, my dad wanted to kill them cause they were noisy... I said no, cried... He put a gun in my hand (7yrs old that period I guess) and told me to kill the ducks. I pushed the trigger. It scared me. He made me kill them all.
I was playing with my sister and told her I could see Pokemons and digimon only focusing my mind. She said she could too and we started to play with that as we were child. She told my dad... He screamed at me, told I was manipulating her, that Inwas worst than priest and church who manipulates people. And that I was a dangerous boy ( I was 9yrs old).
Now Im listening to my parents fighting... My mom crying, asking my dad - "dont you love your own son???" - he kept in silence. She started to scream with him, telling how could you not love your own son. I was a child, and that is a vivid scene in my memories. It hurts.
Im at a house... My parents with their friends. My dad saying that I only have poor grades, and my sister was smarter than me. That I would probably had to repeat the school for that. The image in my mind seems he is saying that like enjoying how retard I was and how better my sister was than me. His friends seemed to be in silence.
I feel hate remembering those scenes, I feel lost, I feel unloved, I feel afraid, I feel Im a mistake, I feel I should not be born, I ask what I did to deserve that. I try to understand, but I cant.
I wanted to hate my parents, but I cant. Also I dont know what I feel... Only a sadness. Then a image come in my mind imagining when my parents die, its like I would become crazy... So much pain, my mind would shut off. I would lose myself. I feel impotent... I doubt mysel "WhatiIf Im wrong, and Im the bad person they always told me", maybe I dont deserve to be here.
Then, this keep coming at my mind endlessly... Tons of memories, feelings, doubts, pains.
What remains is: why?"
The fantasy is dead. Facing it the way it is bring all those memories back and its hard to digest those facts.
At the end, I hope something good went off that experience.
No need to comment on that, just typing and throwing those feelings out my mind.
"In my mind, sometimes its flooded with flashbacks like living again some trauma situations... Its like a endless loop where I keep watching this movie in my head. I lost on it... With silence and darkness of my room.
Sometimes I like that darkness and that silence. Like being hide from that deep pain. And I think about all that.
My flashbacks comes like this: babysitter physically and sexualy abusing me when 4yrs old, then I start to doubt if it was her or my mom. Then memories of my mom making me wash my teeth with my own poop cause I used to poop on my pants when child. My father taking me to his lover's house (Emilia was her name) and hear him asking me to wave to her... She was in the second floor on window waving at me. He cheated my mom. He ask me (4yr old child) to dont tell mom about that. I have a flash, I told her... My dad hates me.
Now Im with my dad at his motorcycle, holding my grandpas gift. I left it fell on the floor and it brokes... I heard my dad calling me retard, idiot, lame, stupid in front of people on gas station. Now I see images of my dad asking me to make pushups, I was fat and couldnt do it... He knew, and he laugh out loud with his friends saying I couldn do it.
My grandpa gave me some ducks, my dad wanted to kill them cause they were noisy... I said no, cried... He put a gun in my hand (7yrs old that period I guess) and told me to kill the ducks. I pushed the trigger. It scared me. He made me kill them all.
I was playing with my sister and told her I could see Pokemons and digimon only focusing my mind. She said she could too and we started to play with that as we were child. She told my dad... He screamed at me, told I was manipulating her, that Inwas worst than priest and church who manipulates people. And that I was a dangerous boy ( I was 9yrs old).
Now Im listening to my parents fighting... My mom crying, asking my dad - "dont you love your own son???" - he kept in silence. She started to scream with him, telling how could you not love your own son. I was a child, and that is a vivid scene in my memories. It hurts.
Im at a house... My parents with their friends. My dad saying that I only have poor grades, and my sister was smarter than me. That I would probably had to repeat the school for that. The image in my mind seems he is saying that like enjoying how retard I was and how better my sister was than me. His friends seemed to be in silence.
I feel hate remembering those scenes, I feel lost, I feel unloved, I feel afraid, I feel Im a mistake, I feel I should not be born, I ask what I did to deserve that. I try to understand, but I cant.
I wanted to hate my parents, but I cant. Also I dont know what I feel... Only a sadness. Then a image come in my mind imagining when my parents die, its like I would become crazy... So much pain, my mind would shut off. I would lose myself. I feel impotent... I doubt mysel "WhatiIf Im wrong, and Im the bad person they always told me", maybe I dont deserve to be here.
Then, this keep coming at my mind endlessly... Tons of memories, feelings, doubts, pains.
What remains is: why?"
The fantasy is dead. Facing it the way it is bring all those memories back and its hard to digest those facts.
At the end, I hope something good went off that experience.
No need to comment on that, just typing and throwing those feelings out my mind.
