HELP! Abusive boyfriend wanted to get clean from meth-I got hooked trying to help him
So I know this is extremely long and I'm ranting hardcore but I need to get it out of my head somehow. I can't sleep and it helps knowing at least someone out there will read this.
I've been on and off with a guy for about a year and a half now. During the last 6 months or so of our relationship (which ended in January), we had begun constantly fighting, and I mean constantly. He was always trying to pick fights with me over NOTHING, out of NOWHERE, and I never understood why. I'd find out he was lying about where he was going and who he was with, and I would get screamed at if I ever questioned him about it, yet he was allowed to question me about the same things... when I wasn't lying.
Things started to get REALLY bad. I ended up becoming emotionally impaired from the lies, lack of attention and need of love from him. Yeah, we'd have sex and all that, but there was so much lack of emotion on his part. I couldn't make any sense from it. Still, for some reason I still stood by him, kept loving him unconditionally, giving him my world and going above and beyond for him and his son. This was the 6 month strain.
Around December, his mother, who has paid for literally everything for him and his son, decided to move back to town and they ended up moving in with her. I moved to a different city to go to college.
We basically broke up after my move and a bunch of bull**** on top of that.
Then... of course, I find out I'm two months pregnant with his baby. When I told him, he didn't even believe me, even after showing him the tests. This sent my depression to the deep end 100%. I decided to get an abortion because I was not stable enough at all to raise a child, and neither was he. He said didn't care, and stopped talking to me again. About a month after that all happened, while I'm trying to recover still, he texted me saying he missed me, still loved me and was sorry, etc.. and despite everything, I gave in. We began to meet up once every couple weeks (we're only about 2 hours apart), talk, have fun, mess around... the usual. We didn't fight once, and I was beginning to think maybe he had changed.
NOW... about two weeks ago, and 4 months after all of this happened, he came to visit for the weekend. This is when he confessed and told me he needs to get clean for his life and his son's life, and asked me to help him. Then it all set in as to why we had so many problems before... Despite my wanting to go into a fit of rage over his lies and making sense of all of it, wanting to scream at him for how badly he ****ed with me, I tamed it and instead gave him my shoulder to cry on.
We decided he would stay with me until he was done coming down. However he still had about a gram left that he brought with him...
That night, after a bottle of Smirnoff between us and lots of weed, he was smoking a bowl of the clear while we were laying in bed, and I asked for a hit. He said only one because he didn't want me to end up like him. Well that turned into smoking every time he smoked.
Eventually, after a few days of being happy and "in love" again, we began to come down. I didn't know what to expect from the comedown, he hadn't really warned me and... long story short he ended up beating me up over nothing, now he's in jail and I'm hooked on meth.
I really don't know what the **** happened honestly, I barely remember it because I was so delusional from lack of sleep, nutrition, etc. I just remember we started to argue about something from the past and it felt all too familiar from back when we were actually together. He'd hurt me physically before but never this bad.
It all happened so fast... Next thing I know, I'm being thrown to the ground and against the wall and here and there, then I'm threatening him with a KNIFE to get out of my apartment! I felt so psychotic, I wasn't myself, I was scared, but I couldn't stop myself. I don't think I would have actually hurt him, but it got him to leave anyway. I called the police and now he's in jail for domestic violence, waiting for his court date to be officially sentenced.
Ever since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about him and how much I love and miss him despite what he did to me. I know it's wrong but I honestly can't help it. So I turned to meth to forget. It's helping, honestly, but I don't want it to. I don't want to become the way he is, I don't want to be like many users who let this **** take over their life, and I know I would potentially be that kind.
I'm almost done with this baggie and I don't have any hookups here (it was from his remaining supply), so hopefully it'll pass. I'm just scared that when it's all over I'll feel the same sadness as before. I don't want to love him but I do and I don't know why, after all that he's done to me mentally and physically. He's never done me any good and I REALIZE that, but I can't ****ing get rid of these thoughts of love and forgiveness. It's like I'm possessed. I've tried dating other guys and I've even slept with a couple, but I couldn't ever shake him from the back of my mind. Weed helps but it doesn't help enough. I take antidepressant and antianxiety medication regularly. I don't know what to do anymore.
I just want my life, my freedom, my innocence and my happiness back. But that's life I guess...
