Just ended my first serious LTR. Do women need closure after a serious relationship?

[Brighty]

Just finished breaking up with my long term girlfriend of 11 months and in the most awkward and quick way. We hadn't seen each other in two weeks and had been fighting on the phone/texting and she's been a completely different person after she came back home (we lived together for 6 months). She turns into a different person when she goes back home with her parents and is easily manipulated and almost emotionally stunted to an extent where she always needs mommy and daddy to take care of everything at 23 years old.

I asked her to come pick up her stuff alone so we could at least have a chance to talk and have some closure to our relationship, and she agreed. Instead she comes with her dad and makes this painfully awkward. I was polite and accommodating, but my ideal scenario where we could actually talk about this and say our goodbyes was thrown out the window when her dad is peering through the car window watching us.

In the end, I told her (in a polite way) I was disappointed we couldn't handle this like adults and she apologized and extended her hand out to shake mine (lol) and I laughed and hugged her instead and said goodbye. She started to softly cry as she got in the car with her dad and I waved them goodbye as they drove off.

Honestly, its a relief to be rid of her and not have her stressing me out, but she was my first serious long term relationship and the first girl I've ever actually lived with. I was her first for a lot of things - especially when it came to opening up and exploring her libido - and the first boyfriend she ever lived with and fell in love with so quickly. She kept on remarking that she had no idea what love actually was until we started dating and looking back on her previous relationships it seemed silly to her to think she was in love before.

I know this is going to start to hurt eventually, even though right now I feel just a sense of relief that its over. What really bugs me though, or rather, what I know will probably bother me, is the complete lack of closure we had to what was the most serious relationship she and I ever had with anyone. It was just a brief, casual, moderated (by her dad) exchange. It didn't seem fulfilling and it didn't seem like it made sense - our relationship was passionate and intense, and our breakup wasn't violent or bitter or anything, it just happened casually. She was too shy and exhausted to say anything and I was too preoccupied with being funny and upbeat for us to really touch on the issues that have driven us to this point. Do girls care about getting closure or this sort of thing? I guess its my ego speaking, but I guess I do kind of want to make my imprint on her mind. If its going to bug me, the least she can do is let it bug her :crackup:

Anyway, for those of you out there who have been in your first serious relationships (not just dating or boyfriend/girlfriend for a few months, I'm talking about living with your other partner) what can I expect in the coming days? I'm about to start participating in the No Contact sticky and fire up that Tinder app

 

[GotED?]

1. No Contact - not a game, do it for yourself so you can heal and allow space for other women to come into your life. Do not do it thinking your EX will want you again. You will lose every time from that perspective.

2. Better Yourself- get in shape, learn to dress attractive, learn game and confidence.

3. See Many Women - learn to qualify women instead of qualifying yourself to them. You won't know what you need or don't need until you have had some battle wounds of the heart from dating different women.

4. Apply what you learned here - be detached emotionally. Guard your heart, be indifferent, never be afraid to walk away when disrespected. Show interest in a woman but never chase or pedestal her arse.

Be well

Exodus

 

[skinnyguy]

No offense but this girl should have been a pump and dump ...

 

[sylvester the cat]

......................

 

[Brighty]

No offense but this girl should have been a pump and dump ...

Maybe, maybe not. I gave the abridged version and she had a lot of great qualities that don't really matter anymore and I'm not about to go through and remember each and every one of them - I'm just focused on moving on. A lot of her negative traits didn't become apparent until she had to move back in with her parents and I realized how easily she was manipulated by her diabetic mom with bi-polar tendencies (the entire time we were together either she was living in an apartment or I was, and then we both were, I never knew how bad it really was until she lived with them) who basically used the death of her grandmother to manipulate me into looking like the bad guy for not being there or caring enough. That was extremely telling for me and I knew the relationship was over when my ex was so easily swayed. I ain't trying to be about that.

Anyway, that's besides the point. I'm not here to argue or defend this girl, just looking for advice on moving on or if the lack of closure is going to be a big deal. I appreciate the kind of post that Exodus provided.

 

[Cremasta]

Anyway, for those of you out there who have been in your first serious relationships (not just dating or boyfriend/girlfriend for a few months, I'm talking about living with your other partner) what can I expect in the coming days? I'm about to start participating in the No Contact sticky and fire up that Tinder app

You say she was a different person when she goes back home with her parents? Sorry mate, but that is probably the REAL person that she is, and it would have come out permanently in the long run.

You can expect one of two things and which one is entirely up to you.

1. You can either sit around the house feeling really sad about life, remembering all the good times you had with your ex and hoping that she'll call you.

2. You can go out and make yourself as busy as possible and in a couple of weeks realise that a whole day has gone by where you haven't thought about her even once... great day!

Forget about the whole closure thing. That's just something they write into the movies. The best closure is to keep moving forward.

Good luck

 

[El Payaso]

You will feel good for now then those pangs of missing her will start to creep in. Usually after a week or so. Especially since you lived with her. Certain things you used to do with her at certain points maybe like buying groceries together or something random. Whenever you're doing those things, you'll remember her. I'm only stating reality.

What you can do to overcome it fast is to start spinning plates hard and fast.

 

[GotED?]

Agreed.

Fastest way to get over a woman is to find another one to distract you emotionally.

Granted, you may find yourself having a hard time to 'FEEL' anything or attraction with another woman for a period of time (and this is the rebound effect of not having healed from the person that you lost after a break up).

However, time is the essence and you will soon feel less and less intensity about the breakup - you just need to find serious distraction post-breakup, of any distraction to keep you busy.

I also believe a part of becoming a strong human being and as a man is to enjoy being by yourself. It is in essence, if you can not stand being alone with yourself, then you really don't love your own company. How can then anyone else enjoy being in your company then. You will always come across as needy, weak, and supplicating.

These are not easy things to accomplish - you are still young and inexperienced in LTR. Just take care not to get devoured by mentally/psychologically/emotionally unstable women. Faster you see the red flags and apply NEXT, the better off you will be overall as a growing DJ. Tread very carefully with hotter looking women, because they can seriously damage your self-esteem if you get burned by them.


Be well.

Exodus

 

[Brighty]

She got the closure a while ago man, this was just awkward for her to see someone she cut out a while ago. Like running into an ex. It seems like there's no logic to it because you probably dont know the real reason she orchestrates the breakup.

I doubt it, up until two days before she came over to pick her stuff up with her dad she was saying how much she loved me, telling me how much she missed me and couldn't wait to see me on Sunday (before we were going to hang out for most of the day instead of having her get her stuff and breaking up with her), wanting me to talk dirty to her, etc.

Anyway, thanks for the responses guys.

 

[narcissist]

curious. how did you guys break up? seems so abrupt. Did you just end it with her? or other way around?

 

[Brighty]

curious. how did you guys break up? seems so abrupt. Did you just end it with her? or other way around?

I ended it with her. I traveled down 300 miles to move out my stuff from our apartment and she still had some stuff left over there and I told her that she might have to come as well to get all of her stuff, because I wasn't able to fit it all in the moving truck I rented. She told me I was free to throw away all of her stuff except for 4 important items that she wanted to have. I agreed and an hour into the move out process I had already tossed a few of her things when I got a call from her mom saying that I needed to save all of her things. I told her alright but that I had already thrown out a few of her dishes, etc. and her mom went ballistic on me, acting like she was 16 years old and I just broke her heart, rattling off all of my flaws and ending the conversation with the weirdest thing "we are SO done with you". Keep in mind this was my ex's mother, acting as if she was apart of the relationship. It was very bizarre. My ex then texted me, avoiding me directly, and said that she agreed with everything her mother said and that I shouldn't have thrown anything away (?).

Recognizing this bizarre behavior before in a past relationship with another ex who was BPD, I simply decided to rip the bandage off even though I knew it would sting. I broke up with her over the phone when she called me back an hour later to say that she changed her mind and that I should just throw away everything else again.

Actions not words. Don't be naive. Every man with experience in breakups here has seen phenomena. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=207519

Again, maybe, but I doubt it. There's always a chance though, but it's not really what I want to be focusing on right now, if you can empathize with me for a second. I just want to move forward and forget all of this bullsh!t.

 

[Brighty]

Well after 16 days of NC, it's over. I had to break it. I got a letter from our old apartment building with move-out fees and it turns out she never turned in her key/fob/opener like she said she would, which is costing both of us over $150, and that its going to negatively impact both of our credit in ten days if it isn't taken care of. I am sure as hell not paying for it and am once again appalled at how immature and irresponsible she is. I called her and left her a polite but brief message saying that we needed to sort this out ASAP. I didn't ask how she was doing or anything other than just the business we need to take care of, but after 16 days NC is broken.

You know, I'm almost glad too, last night I was pretty down and missing her badly, and all of a sudden this rears its head and reminds me why she is such a frustrating and irresponsible person to deal with and not worth my time.

 

[GotED?]

sorry to hear about your pain, Brighty.... just another battlefield wound to the heart to make you a stronger and smarter man for next round... and you will be victorious, one day - this is a matter of statistical probability over time (oh yeah, forgot - as long as you learn from each experience and become a better man LOL).

Like most of us, all you can do now is wrap up another chapter of your life - FIND MAJOR DISTRACTIONS WITH OTHER WOMEN so you can stop thinking about her. Actually - find BETTER looking women as that makes the healing process even faster.

The human ego is a funny thing - we are so shallow creatures. Hotter the woman we get approval from, the faster we forget all those evil vampires of the past.

Be Well.

Exodus

 

[BMX]

They don't need closure. They NEED No Contact. Cut them out entirely of the picture. No facebook, no fwb (unless you both really wanted just that), no calls, text, Skype, etc.

 

[goldengoose]

If she's fvcking another man right now, she's looking for the D and she certainly is not looking for no closure. Closure is useless and is fool's gold. Chicks don't mean what they say anyway and if they dumped you, they don't care what you have to say. When it's done, it's done and they detach and move on without any remorse. Take a page out of their book and do the same. Ignore her, find another hot babe to take her place. That's what you gotta do man.