Just divorced and don't know how to ask a girl out

[Rounder]

Ok so I'm trying to shed my old AFC ways. Just divorced and about to ask a girl out and I'm completely lost. Good god I need help.

My thought was to go rollerskating and maybe some ice cream and perhaps a walk afterwards? About 3 hours total?

Next time I see her I considered just asking her if she knows how to rollerskate followed with - how about going Saturday?

I rollerblade very well and I figured it would probably offer a chance for some kino.

I can handle myself fine just talking with her and getting to know her some but when it comes down to actually figuring out what to say to ask her out - I continually 2nd guess myself and think it sounds too needy.

 

[The Bat]

Just be direct with your question. And don't ask her out. Don't say something like, "Will you go rollerblading with me on Saturday? It will be so fun, I promise."

Say something to the effect of, "I'm going rollerblading this Saturday. You should come out."

You want to convey that you're going to go rollerblading even if she doesn't go with you. That would be showing that you are not being needy.

And don't make the first date 3 hours long. That's 2.5 hours too long IMO. Most guys here will agree that first date should be limited to about an hour. And just stick to rollerblading for the night. If anything afterwards doesn't involve making out or sex, then it shouldn't be done.

Rollerblading is a great action date. Plus, you get show her that you're a talented guy. Women love a guy who is very passionate about his hobby. Imagine a woman on a date with a guy who is very passionate about his hobby!!

Good luck.

 

[Hooligan Harry]

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hell, if you dont sort out self esteem issues, you sure are going to have a lot of fun trying to fix em.

 

[Rounder]

Hell, if you dont sort out self esteem issues, you sure are going to have a lot of fun trying to fix em.

I've always been the "relationship" guy. Not doing that this time. I want and need to date a bunch of women. I'm sick of being less than I can be - so I'm working at it. Gotta start somewhere though.

 

[Hooligan Harry]

Nah dude, good man for making the changes the feel you need to. Its an interesting journey. My comments were less about that and more about how much fun it would be to approach it like bogjohnson suggested.

Hell, replace Manila with Bogotá and it might just be something I could do for a year or 20

 

[Rounder]

Nah dude, good man for making the changes the feel you need to. Its an interesting journey. My comments were less about that and more about how much fun it would be to approach it like bogjohnson suggested.

Hell, replace Manila with Bogotá and it might just be something I could do for a year or 20

Yeah I know....I think spending more time on this board is going to help me figure a lot of things out.

All of my past relationships have started out by getting a phone number and talking on the phone for hours the first couple of weeks - along with seeing the girl several times each week.

I've always felt like I had to "earn" their attention, get them to think I was "sweet" and "invest" in the relationship in order to get in their pants. Of course I was then stuck in the relationship because I'd gotten so close, so fast and didn't feel like I could date other people.

These tactics have worked for getting into a relationship but they've failed me in the long run for a healthy relationship.

I've also tried to change women to what I want. I will never do that again. If they don't fit what I like they will be history.

I feel this crap is deeply ingrained and it's going to take a conscience effort to shed those old ways. As much as I'm going to want to call a girl 2 minutes after I get her number, I just can't do that anymore.

 

[Rounder]

I'm 33 and she is about 30 and to my knowledge does not have a "boyfriend"

Ok so I saw her in the hall and here's how it went - keep in mind we've been making small talk for a little over a week or so.

The building is remodeling 2 bathrooms on this floor and she was poking her head in to look and I came walking down the hall behind her.

As she exited -

Me: Are you snooping?
Her: yeah (with a smile) a little

Me: I have a question for you...
Me: Can you rollerskate?
Her: stumbled over her words a bit and said - well, I was hell on wheels when I was a kid but haven't done that in years.
Me: I'm gonna go on Saturday
Her: Uh, I am busy on Saturday
Her: she took note of my thumb ring and said she liked it
Me: Well maybe we can figure something out, see you later.


Well I feel like crap now. I don't think it was all bad, but I'm not sure if the rollerskating idea scared her, if she really has plans or if she just isn't interested like that.

I'd sent her an email earlier in the day as well - just to say hey. She normally replies late in the afternoon between 3 and 4. No response from her today.

Thoughts/advice?

 

[Warrior74]

Good try man. Give her some space though. You say you live in the same building?...don't make it akward. Always be nice, but not over friendly..you've put yourself out there once, so don't go stalking the chic, just say hi and move on when you see her.

 

[STR8UP]

If you ask a yes/no question don't be surprised if you get the "default" answer most of the time.

 

[Rounder]

Really confusing....her body language has showed interest - waiting for me in the hall so we could talk, deliberately making eye contact for a little longer than necessary. Perhaps I was reading into things too much because I wanted something to be there. Ugh.

I figured no response through email today was a very bad sign.

I think she is a fairly conservative girl too...perhaps I should have asked for her number first and talked to her on the phone for a while before asking her out.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

Good attempt, Rounder and rollerskating is a great idea.

My only comment is going for a first date on a Saturday is a tough sell. Try something during a weeknight, maybe for an hour or so.

Her telling you she is "busy" without details isn't the best sign either. I dabbled with a hottie for over a year one time, maybe dated her twice out of ten times that I asked her to do something. Got the "I have plans" routine. Long story short she was a biker babe and had me in the LJBF zone and was pining me for free attention while some biker god was getting in her pants.

I'd say hit on it two or three times, if she keeps refusing cut her off. And by all means (without making it obvious) make sure she knows you are dating others.

 

[The Bat]

Hmm interesting that she "stumbled over her words" when you asked her the question.

Could be that she was nervous and saw what you were going for (a date) or she sensed that you were incongruent since you just fluff talk with her whenever you see her except for this time.

I'd say don't worry about her too much. Don't go out of your way to talk to her or email her. If you see her passing by, then just say hi and continue walking. If she stops to talk, act like you've got someplace to be and leave.

If there is some interest on her part, and I think there might be, she will contact you and ask you what has been going on with you lately. When she does this, that's when you tell her that you've been busy with work and rollerskating (and you should be since it's your hobby, right?). Then drop a hint again that you would like her to come and join you. See what happens next.

Just don't over analyze everything. And spin more plates. Everything will become so easy and natural once you start spinning plates.

 

[Magma]

You seem like a really genuine guy Rounder. Kudos to you sir for putting yourself out there and getting out of your comfort zone.

Having said that, it doesn't matter what activities you are into, but whatever that activity may be, you need to introduce her to it in a way that communicates one thing: you are bringing her into YOUR world. How you do this is up to you.

Some guys are really boisterous and out-going, and others are a little more......refined, for lack of a better term. I urge you to embrace your personality and adapt your approaches in order to appear congruent, and therefore more confident and credible.

This reflects only a portion of the basic underpinnings of seduction. You have to work from the framework of abundance rather than scarcity, which has been discussed ad nauseum. I am an "inner game" purist, and believe that hardcore self-evaluation and self-improvement will bring you success in ALL areas of life (women occupying a portion of that success).

You're on the right track with an action date, but you definitely want to keep it shorter than three hours. Pick a short route, maybe a designated trail (preferably close to your home, if things end up going exceedingly well). When you finish the route, that's it. You're done. You have other shyt to do. See what I'm getting at?

One more thing. When she complimented your ring, that was her saying, "I don't want to go out with you, so I'll make up some excuse. But to let you down 'easy' I'll tell you I like your ring."

Good luck to you sir.

Respect.

 

[Jeremymichael]

well done that man for making the plunge. It's these kind of mixed signals that really messes with men and what puts men off asking for dates. I would just be friendly and leave it at that!.

 

[Rounder]

Well this board is awesome...thanks guys. I was freaking out yesterday after that conversation with her.

The 24 y/o I'm seeing was over last night and made me forget all about this situation yesterday. Nice to have her around as I build my confidence with other women.

As for the girl yesterday - I plan to be cool, talk to her a bit when I see her, not too much, but I doubt I'll ask her again.


I really want to email her and say "I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable, I just thought we'd have a good time hanging out." I figure that is the old AFC me and I shouldn't do that.

 

[Magma]

I really want to email her and say "I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable, I just thought we'd have a good time hanging out." I figure that is the old AFC me and I shouldn't do that.

DO NOT do this. Please. It's like that old Seinfeld episode where George does everything the opposite of what he would normally do. You need to start doing the opposite of what you would "normally" do. You've been out of the game for awhile. Come to the boards before you do anything rash.

 

[Mr.Positive]

The building is remodeling 2 bathrooms on this floor and she was poking her head in to look and I came walking down the hall behind her.

As she exited -

Me: Are you snooping?
Her: yeah (with a smile) a little

Me: I have a question for you...
Me: Can you rollerskate?
Her: stumbled over her words a bit and said - well, I was hell on wheels when I was a kid but haven't done that in years.
Me: I'm gonna go on Saturday
Her: Uh, I am busy on Saturday
Her: she took note of my thumb ring and said she liked it
Me: Well maybe we can figure something out, see you later.

Rounder, props for putting yourself out there and going for it.

Good intro, about the snooping. Here's my opinion..

I'll second the advise on never asking yes/no questions. That can be a quick conversation killer.

When you invite a gal to join you, and you do not get a counter offer, she either has low interest in you, or...she's very shy.

If she was interested, she would have said something like "I'm busy on Saturday, but let me know when you go out again" Or something like that, then you lead into getting her phone number.

But, she could just be very shy too. In which case, an action date like rollerblading might be too bold for her. She might be worried about falling down, getting hurt/embarrassed, etc. IE, she doesn't know you well enough to feel safe around you yet.

Here's what I would do going forward. Decide if she is either shy, or has low interest.

If she has low interest, forget about her. If you see her, be friendly, but keep conversations short. IE, be "busy" when you see her.

If she's shy, next time you see her and talk. Invite her right then and there to join you for coffee, something safe. Assume that since you are going for coffee anyway, that she wants to join you. If she declines again, she has low interest and you have your answer.

Either way, I wouldn't put too much effort into her. Lot's of other women out there to meet and have fun with.

 

[Rounder]

She might be shy and I wondered about that...I was concerned that skating might be a bit much for her but also thought it would be something fun, different and out of the "norm". That said - she might be the type that a simple night out for dinner might be exactly what she wants - or expected.

I wasn't afraid to be a little different and not do the whole dinner and a movie thing which I think is totally lame anyway - how boring can a date get?

Note that I sent her an email yesterday (prior to asking her out) and I still have not had a response from her. She seems to check her email between 8 and 8:30 am and 3:30 and 4 pm. So that's 2 opportunities she's had to respond with SOMETHING but hasn't.

She dresses nice but conservative - pant suits, skirts well below the knee, never comes close to showing any cleavage.

I might give it one more shot - something simple and short and leave it at that. I'm almost tired of thinking about the situation and her, haha. She's only one girl that I don't even know.

Thanks guys - I appreciate all the responses - hopefully I can get my A$$ in gear and start changing my life.

 

[Mr.Positive]

She might be shy and I wondered about that...I was concerned that skating might be a bit much for her but also thought it would be something fun, different and out of the "norm". That said - she might be the type that a simple night out for dinner might be exactly what she wants - or expected.

I wasn't afraid to be a little different and not do the whole dinner and a movie thing which I think is totally lame anyway - how boring can a date get?

Don't do the dinner/movie thing, and don't email her again. Each time you email her, you creep her out and appear desperate.

Never email, or text message, women. You appear weak when you do. Man up and call them, or see them in person. Nothing good comes out of email or text messages.

Coffee shops are perfect, imo. You aren't investing any money into her, just a little time to get to know her better. Plenty of opportunity to learn about her. What makes her different? Is she mentally stable, fun, passionate about something?

Learning women is a great time. You have nothing to lose here. Keep the convo focused on her.

People love it when you show interest in them, as people. In reality, the more she talks, the more you can see if she's what you are looking for.

Anyway..

Next time you see her, just keep the conversation short. Say, "hey, I'm going to X to grab a cup of coffee. You should join me."

If she declines again, and does not give some sort of counter offer, or hint that she might enjoy spending time with you...focus on other women. Which you should be doing anyway.

Have fun being single Rounder..there's a whole world of women out there waiting to be explored.

 

[STR8UP]

Never email, or text message, women. You appear weak when you do. Man up and call them, or see them in person. Nothing good comes out of email or text messages.

This is another one of those things where one size doesn't fit all.

Text/email are simply alternate forms of communication. It's HOW you use them that determines what comes of the situation.