Just Can't Approach?

[~attrACTION~]

Anyone here ever live in a small town where they're afraid of rejection so much that they don't even try?

Like, I asked a girl at Borders if she was single once. That was last summer. I see her every single time I go to Borders now - she works at the bakery. It's not awkward, but it's just like damn. And then the other day at Barnes and Nobles I saw some chick, and then I saw her at school today and said hello. The town is so damn small, if you see someone who looks familiar, it's them!

It's like I see the same people everywhere. I'm afraid of rejection because I'll have to live with it every single day for as long as I live here.

I used to live in a city with about 500K-1M population. It's awesome not having to run into the same people everyday. You guys who live in big cities got it good.

It's like, I talk about someone to a coworker - and oh, that's there neighbor! If I mention a tiny detail about my own neighbor, they automatically can guess what street I live on! There are some positives about living in a small town. You can get hooked up at stores and stuff because it's really easy to "know people" and calling up the radio station is really easy to get on the air.

Everybody is super friendly here, so "approaching" doesn't really make sense. Everyone approaches everyone. It's just a matter of closing or trying to exchange contact info. But if you get rejected it's something you have to live with.

Who here honestly lives in a small town and has no problem with rejection? It's easy to say when you live in a big place where you don't see the girl again. That's why most guys have no problem sarging when on vacation overseas or out of town. Come to where I live and you will feel my pain. I'm not moving out any time soon either. I have 1.5 years more until I graduate. I almost feel like I'm not going to get laid for another 1.5 years.

I do have friends. But it's not like I'll meet any girls through them (not that I should hope to). They don't have girlfriends either, or friends who are girls. I get invited to parties all the time. I used to go, but they're all frat sausage fests. I don't like that. I used to go out to clubs and bars too, but I got tired of those kind of girls. Even then, you see the same girls at school that are at the clubs.

 

[~attrACTION~]

So I guess what my post is about is, what's the worst that can happen if I just go and approach lots of girls? Will it be as bad as I think to get lots of rejections? I'll probably be known as "that sleazy guy"

I actually "know" a lot of people but don't really hang out with them because I'm not close with any of them, except for a few. Besides, hanging out with guys won't get me any girlfriends. Anyway, I know if I got rejected 5-6 times, word would spread like a brush fire. Small town, word spreads fast.

I figure maybe I shouldn't care and I should just do it. What really is the worst thing, right? I guess I'd just get labelled as a loser. It feels a lot like highschool here. Either you're in or you're out. I don't have much of a reputation yet, but I think if I did go out and get rejected a lot I'd build a reputation pretty fast.

There are only one of each store and restaurant in my town. 1 McDonald's, 1 Burger King, 1 Best Buy, 1 Walmart, etc. you get the idea. So if I ever try to close a girl who works one of those places, you can count on it that I will see her again every darn time I go there.

Anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do about it? You seriously don't get laid when you don't try. I haven't been trying for a year, and look ma, no lays. Don't give me that crap about having other things going in life. I drive a nicer car than 90% of you on here. I live in a bigger and nicer house than 90% of you on here. I also have friends like I said, and I do good at school. I have a job too. I got a lot of things and I usually keep myself busy so that I don't have time to think about not having a girlfriend. It's not like I sit and play with my penis and not do anything. Not having a girlfriend bothers me because I'm so successful at everything else it really irks me as to why I don't.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Your best bet is to look for strong indicators of interest before you approach!! Feel her vibe and ask questions to determine her interest!

 

[Obsidian]

I figure maybe I shouldn't care and I should just do it.

As long as you're genuinely establishing some amount of rapport before you #-close, you really shouldn't care. Asking girls out isn't a sin. If you only did it to people you worked with, you might come across as desperate. But if you're doing it to everyone you meet who you see some sort of connection with, I don't really see the problem.

Worse case scenario: Everyone hates you, and then you move elsewhere.

 

[thefonz]

Well, to me it sounds like you've got the wrong mindset. Instead of seeing approaches/number closes as potential gains, you see them as potential ostracisim from the small community.

I can tell you from personal experience that the fear before the approach is much worse than the outcomes that occur after. You have to know what you want, which is to get good at hitting on girls and focus on that like a buddhist monk.

I remember I was apprehensive about hitting on a girl in my gym because I go there so much and I was worried that everyone would talk about me. But i did it and she gave me the boyfriend routine. However, nobody really mentioned it to me at the gym and no one really cared. This is hard to understand when you're not in the field but most people only care about themsleves and how they look. The girl is actually really nice to me when I go in, and can't get her to shut up now. I know she'll be mine when she leaves her boyfriend but I'm not thinking about that, I just need to keep going and finding situations to take advantage of.

Dude, I can't even begin to tell you how fast time flies after 21, don't loose focus on your goals based on how others life there lives. Let your heart race before the approach, sweat like crazy but just ****in do it!!

 

[GamePlan]

I used to live in a city with about 500K-1M population. It's awesome not having to run into the same people everyday. You guys who live in big cities got it good.

I couldnt agree more. I live in a city of about 100,000. Everyday I go out and try getting over my social anxiety I run into at least somebody I know. Every time lol. When I go to that bigger city of about 500,000 it's like..cool I dont know many people in this city and am not likely to run into anyone, I know..that makes it definitely easier.

 

[rakinishu]

I know this is the oldest sticking point in the book, but I can't seem to approach. I try to push the fear away but it doesn't work. Does anybody have tips on how to get past this?

I know this is the oldest sticking point in the book, but I can't seem to approach. I try to push the fear away but it doesn't work. Does anybody have tips on how to get past this?

..this might not make sense. But you will find your answer by actually approaching. Don't waste your energy trying to push that fear away, use that energy to push youself to approach instead.

I've been in the community for quite sometime, had some success here and there, when i did have the confidence to walk up to the ladies. But i want to be able to do it consistently. Bars are easier i think, it's a place to socialize after all. So i wanted to take it up a notch. Daygame at the mall. I'm thinking, if i can have it down pat at the Mall during Daytime, i wouldn't have problems in the bar. Whether that's true or not, i can already see the effects on myself. I can approach almost anyone at the mall now.


this is a repost from our lair list from last month. And I'm doing better now. Hope this helps..

I agree, this is not OT. This is inner game.. having that impenetrable, unshakeable way of walking though life, that you choose whatever it is that you let into you. He was talking about Action-Reaction, 90-10 rule in his 7 Habits Seminar, he briefly touched this subject, i don't remember if this is one of the 'habits'.

90-10 Rule is not new.. you control 10% of things, the percentage is arbitrary.. it simply means that there are things you just can't control, but you can control your reaction to them. This is what Instinct refers to as 'Locus of Control' he read off from a book, and just recently, I read it from 'Mind OS' too, referring to it as the "Personal Boundary'. Even Rougue of X-men told Bishop, while stranded on a Shiar ship, "You can't change your past, but you can change what you feel about them", well something like that, (and it's somewhat related).. Richard Bach's 'Illussions' advocates that people and event gravitates towards you because you 'want' them. Paulo Coelho's Alchemist says that the world conspires for you to achieve your Personal Legend by following 'omens'.. i could go on..

...in a nutshell, this means you have the CHOICE how to react and it's you CHOICE what to allow to 'get into you'. It's you DECISION. If you feel bad it's your decision. Your personal boundary has been breached and it was your choice.

To make this On-Topic. Let's apply this to PU.

We always hear about 'state'.. yesterday.. i was in state (i thought i was), I was waiting for Charm, then these 2 HB9's (yeah 9's) stopped beside me and talked on the phone to avoid the mass of people passing by. I wanted to open, but I can't, my heart was beating inside my chest like a wild monkey in a cage. They left. I thought to myself "Damn!! Is this how it's gonna be today?!" I was out of state.

I was in the 'NOW', but I was thinking of the 'FUTURE'. What if I crash and Burn?! What if they laugh at me?! What if.. what if!! I was looking too far ahead.. I was there, they were there.. i want them.. i should've opened. It was my DECISION, i felt bad about my decision of taking NO ACTION.. it's only with making decision that one feels truly alive. Either bad or good decision.. pain and pleasure makes us feel alive.. and NO ACTION is DEAD... moving along..

I don't remember how many sets Charm opened.. but while walking, he stopped.. faced me and i thought he was talking about a set we already passed by, then these 2set of 6ft+ ladies walked by and they looked real nice from behind.. they were walking like models.. we were there watching them.. my AA kicked in.. 1 sec.. 2 sec.. 3 sec.. 10 sec.. 15.. sec.. they were so far by now.. I don't know what went inside my head, i just thought I'd do it.. I RAN towards them!! hahaha!

Caught up with them and I crashed and Burned!!

I felt very relieved while I was walking back towards Charm.. I was laughing.. I WAS ALIVE!! That was my reaction to the Crash and Burn.

Thinking back on it. It was a CONSTRUCTIVE decision. making decisions makes a person feels ALIVE.. i felt alive. This 'life' fueled my self-esteem and self confidence which are within my personal boundary.. that excludes things that are not within my control, in this example.. the 2HB's reaction to me approaching them.. it's something that I can't control, and mulling over the Crash and Burn wastes energy that should instead be directed to those that are within... and that's 'ME', the way i think, the way I feel, the way i react and the way I look at it are all within my control. And here's where the "people and event gravitates towards you because you 'want' them" and "the world conspires for you to achieve your Personal Legend".. moving on..

After that crash an burn.. we smoked outside. went back in. Charm approached sets.. then on the way up on an escalator, i saw someone i like donwstairs! I told Charm "There! If I will crash and burn, might as well Crash and Burn from the real hot ones! hahaha!". I thought she was gonna take the escalator too.. she didn't, and went walking out of my view.. i went down.. went to the direction she walked to.. can't see her.. then we came to a fork.. where did she go? Charm told me "You can approach her (pointing left) or her, on green shirt (pointing right).. both of them walking away.. I chose the green.. I lost the one i like.. i ran again!! hahaha!

..and here is where i discovered something else. It's known that being a PUA needs COMMITMENT as is anything else. And when you go out there thinking "I'm comitting to this" then back out on the Approach.. let them pass by.. and later run up to them.. and by the time you catch up.. you no longer have AA.. haha! it's a joke but it works.. haha!. And dont put any weight into how beautiful they are, CONSIDER THEM BLANK. They might have the potential to be a 9, they look like 9, but are they really 9? When i ran up to the girl on green shirt, i didn't know what she looked like.. poor eyesight, yeah.. She doesn't know me, I do not know her.. our appraisal of each other are at the shallowest level.. you're on the road upfront a nice gate.. you knock, nobody opened the gate.. nothing lost.. just the minimal effort to knock... it's not like you expected to live there! NEXT!.. ü

So i caught up to her and introduced myself.. another Crash and Burn.. but she was smiling as she left and so was I..

...i pushed through my comfort zone. Nice Decision..ü And back to the 90/10 analogy.. i had my 10% well covered..

..oh and you might want to check out Mind OS. the title sounds corny but it's real good book, it might help.

 

[DonJoseCantosie]

That post his true.

Yes, it feel much better to make a decision even if u get rejected by the girl. Its as if i only feel alive going for what i want in the game rather than not do something at all.

Sure at the time, it might feel much better to not approach at the start...but after the fact...u have regret. Why not go through that natural feeling of resistence...which is a law of the universe? To get something, there has to be resistence...its how we handle the resistence that dictates how easy it is.

 

[blackomen]

I blindly approached every HB at my university of 30,000 and word DID get around to what I was doing.. even amongst my friends who didn't know I was learning PU.. Good thing it was my senior year. I guess if you have a car, you might want to drive to other towns for practice.

 

[thefonz]

I blindly approached every HB at my university of 30,000 and word DID get around to what I was doing.. even amongst my friends who didn't know I was learning PU.. Good thing it was my senior year. I guess if you have a car, you might want to drive to other towns for practice.

Maybe you could have saved your reputation by just going after the ones you wanted rather than everyone that fits the demographic.

In my experience that where it counts.

 

[Snow Plowman]

One thing that has helpped me is

"Don't give a fuk what anyone thinks whether good or bad."

Once you have that certainty of that frame, it won't matter if you go rejected. It won't matter if everyone knows you know everyone.

The thing you aren't realizing is that you can always approach that girl again. You can do it over and over everyday an you'll get different experiences. I personally have approached the same girl 3 times in the same day.

It all goes back to female psychology, Buying temperature. It really doesn't matter if you got rejected you can always go back an talk to her again.

Remember this game isn't logical, your thinking all logical on how she should react and feel. But your wrong she is thinking emotional. She can say yes one minute and no the next. Is that logical? I think not.

 

[bigjohnson]

So I guess what my post is about is, what's the worst that can happen if I just go and approach lots of girls? Will it be as bad as I think to get lots of rejections?

No, it's not like you're gripping your crotch and asking them to walk out to the alley for 12 minutes. Asking "are you single" is sorta lame IMO but then I'm not 19 either so maybe it's different for you.

Ask her if she wants to have a cup of coffee with you sometime. Might get a laugh and it gets the conversational ball going. If she says she has a BF deflect it - "it's just a cup of coffee" or "but he's doesn't actually own you" or something light but to the point. If she's not into you make sure to leave it on a funny note so you can at least have some sort of shared inside joke later when you're getting your brew.

Grow it. Worst case, you practiced chatting up a REAL LIVE GIRL. ;-)