Just Broken.

[ExcelNPrevail]

Just a while ago. I got into a nasty heated argument, with my dad. I honestly tried holding back the tears. Because for me I knew what he was speaking was out of pure hatred, and hatred only.

Hate of course because of to me. Because I'm not like him, because I dont meet his standards.

I felt betrayed by his behavior simply because, I've been his right hand man throughout the years that he needed me the most. I was there building our other new house, when his own brother wasn't there due to my uncles envy for my father.

I was there plenty of times. Too many times. On fridays and saturdays, when my friends would say, "Man dont tell me your gonna work with your dad." To that i would respond,"Yea...sorry...I'll make it next week." But next week never usually came. I was constantly there proving myself.But to no avail

I was always having that feeling.....that feeling of being unappreciated. And it hurts.

Today he threaten me that he was going to send me off to my "nut" cousins apartment. Why? You may ask? Simply because I don't help him enough.

Because i drove off today when he told me to leave,"Your always b**** about s***, leave!" But I wasn't. I left out of my own anger, of course.


Guys I just wanted to vent my frustration out. I just don't know what to do.. I just need some help. Has anybody dealt with or been through something similar to this?

 

[kabatura]

You father is not perfect, try to show him mercy if you can, he did have a lot to do with you being alive. You do have a Father in Heaven, look to Him and He will give you a "peace that surpasses all understanding".

 

[mostwantedbabyfather]

I know how you feel bro. You just need to suck it up and try not to let it get to you . After all he is your father and he probably said those words out of frustration.

 

[theunflushables]

While I was growing up one of my father's punishments was to have to go cut wood with him on the weekends. It was horrible, out in the freezing cold hauling logs to the trailer. I hated it, working with my dad soon became equated with punishment.

Yesterday he asked me to come cut wood with him this Saturday. At first I dreaded the thought. But as I was thinking about it, I realized my dad isn't Superman anymore. He's in his mid-50's, he runs himself ragged, he's always in pain, what if I had been too selfish to say I am not going out there and then something happened to him and he was gone?

I guess what I am trying to say is: No matter what problems the two of you may go through, never take your father for granted. He's given you life, put food on the table for you and took care of you. And he will never ask more of you than what he has given you.

 

[KontrollerX]

Speaking as someone whose lost a father to cancer I have a surprisingly different take than the rest of the replies you've received.

And I'll say this...

If you are old enough to get away from your father and make your own life do so.

Life is too short to be around an unappreciative assh0le.

And I'm not saying this was the way my father was all the time during my life but when he was alive sometimes we would get into arguments and then be alright with eachother later.

Its just an unfortunately natural thing between fathers and sons to have conflict but reading your post it sounds like your dad is selfish and has anger problems and sometimes for a person thats particularly thick in the head to realize they've been wrong about something they need to lose the company and support of the person they've wronged until they make some sort of form of apology be it outright saying sorry or doing some kind of apologetic gesture to someone they've wronged.

So if you've basically given the world for your dad and been what anyone would consider to be a great son he needs to be sent the message of silence from you that he cannot treat you so badly and keep your company anymore.

And to counter another thing the other posters have said I will say that dying is obviously a two way street as its a non descriminatory function of life that can come at any age and for any reason.

Your dad should realize that you could be hit by a bus tomorrow or a week from now and then he'd lose a son that loved him more than he could ever know and he fvcked up his time with you by being an assh0le.

So yeah the common thought that just because a person is older than you so they will die first etc just doesn't always ring true.

Anyone of any age can die at anytime for any number of natural or accidental reasons.

Edit: I guess to point out the relevance I was going for of mentioning that I'd lost my father to cancer was that you have to worry about how people are treating you and making you feel today and not allow yourself to be unappreciated and a verbal punching bag for worrying that oh they could die in the future so you better just put up with it. So what I said about my dad was relevant because I wouldn't put up with his foul treatment of me when he was alive (when he would get in a bad mood I mean) and I don't regret standing up to him now that he is dead. He was a good guy for sure but sometimes he needed to be shouted back at.

 

[6-heads lewis]

First, kudos to you ENP for your honesty, and you sound like you're in the right.

KontrollerX made an excellent response. Ignore comments like "he's still your father", or "you owe him". Just because someone is family, that doesn't mean you have to overlook inconsiderate or abusive behaviour. The people who turn out to be your family is determined entirely by random chance, nothing more. A prick is still a prick, regardless of relation.

The feeling of being under-appreciated, I understand it entirely. After working full-time with my father for the house for an entire summer renovating my brother's house, I asked for him a loan, considering I had no income due to being his FT unpaid helper. His reply: "You should have gotten a job".

It's human nature, we don't appreciate what we have, and we over-value what we don't. You don't have to live up to anyone's standards but your own. Your parents didn't give birth to you to do you a favor. It was either an accident, or they did it for selfish reasons, b/c they wanted kids. You don't owe them anything. There are no favors in this game.

As KontrollerX pointed out, some people are just thick. Remember there is a HUGE generation gap between early adults and their parents. The past 20 years of technological, medical and scientific breakthroughs have entirely changed our perspective, our knowledge of the world. Your parents still come from an era before internet, before endless knowledge, an era where tradition was viewed as law, under the notion that God had given them personalities for a reason, and that everything was God's will. That's why they're so thick-headed and unreasonable. It's not your fault.

ENP, you're not alone, and thanks for sharing. Good luck.

 

[6-heads lewis]

Also, let me give kudos to KX about his point in not allowing others to guilt you into things. Yes he could die any moment, any of us can, that doesn't mean you have to pity them or accept their abuse. My mother used to pull that crap all the time to made me apologize and do what she asked, because "I could get hit by a car and die tomorrow, and then you'd be sorry." That's emotional manipulation.

 

[6-heads lewis]

I guess what I am trying to say is: No matter what problems the two of you may go through, never take your father for granted. He's given you life, put food on the table for you and took care of you. And he will never ask more of you than what he has given you.

So if I had a kid and fed him for 20 years, then I can claim I gave him life and fed him, so he owes me and must put up with selfish demands? Nobody asks to be born. Nobody "gives life" as a favour. The world is a cold, indifferent place, you're exposed to many evils every day. You're death could be so horrible and slow and painful that it negates all the good experiences you've had. You could have been born with a horrible mutation, and lived a life of shame, humiliation and isolation. How's that for a "gift"?

Your father's punishment sounds cruel and arbitrary. I chopped wood for my dad because I respected him and wanted to help, not because he forced me to. Yes your dad is old, you can choose to help if you want to, but you don't owe him that, and the OP certainly doesn't owe his father anything.

 

[Michele l'Arcangelo]

I won't bother posting any stories.

Let me just put it this way... how old are you? When you move out, you and him will have a better relationship over time. Put up with it or tell him when he's being an unreasonable idiot... what else are you going to do? If your parents are divorced, move in with your mom until you both matured or have gotten over your shit.

Example. Got a sibling? You hate them until they move out... and when they move out, you become best friends.

 

[theunflushables]

So if I had a kid and fed him for 20 years, then I can claim I gave him life and fed him, so he owes me and must put up with selfish demands? Nobody asks to be born. Nobody "gives life" as a favour. The world is a cold, indifferent place, you're exposed to many evils every day. You're death could be so horrible and slow and painful that it negates all the good experiences you've had. You could have been born with a horrible mutation, and lived a life of shame, humiliation and isolation. How's that for a "gift"?

Your father's punishment sounds cruel and arbitrary. I chopped wood for my dad because I respected him and wanted to help, not because he forced me to. Yes your dad is old, you can choose to help if you want to, but you don't owe him that, and the OP certainly doesn't owe his father anything.

No, as a father you should never say that your son owes you because you gave him life. That's just being selfish. I was saying that you should respect the fact that your father was there to take care of you when you were defenseless.

And yeah my father's punishments may have been "cruel" and "arbitrary", but looking back the way he raised my brother and myself taught us how to be men.

 

[DevanE]

....

KontrollerX brought up some REAL good points, much respect and I would like to add more to this.

I completely understand where the OP is coming from because his father sounds like mine. I think the problem is that a lot of parents have kids because they see them as an "investment" and that's the bottom line especially the older generation. Parents also have this sense of "entitlement" like the kids OWE them but it should never be like that. I mean seriously how the fuk you expect your kids to OWE you when you don't do ANYTHING to INVEST in them or their future then flip out when they say something and try to stand up for themselves...? It's called being selfish as someone mentioned and being selfish means that you REALLY don't care about the other person's needs. To basically put it...a lot of this stems from parents projecting their insecurities on the kids.

Now the other side of this is that when the parents DO decide to invest in their kids it's ALWAYS something in regards to finances. "..he needs to be a doctor/lawyer/rich..." etc etc. Who gives a fuk if he is happy...? As long as my friends and all the people I know see that my child is "rich" and can provide for me in the future it's all that matters. I know 2 different people who have switched their majors twice and are going into a completely different field because of their parents desire to have kids that are "rich" but in the process they are neglecting to teach their kids the REAL things they need to know in life. (The guys are miserable BTW).

Regardless, the point that I am trying to make is that parents are NOT always perfect nor do they KNOW how to raise kids the proper way. Of course their are exceptions. But me personally I don't look at my parents as role-models anymore or to provide guidance for me because in the past I desperately tried too and they just never got the message. Lets look at the OP's situation. This guy is looking for guidance in life and obviously a good heart-ed soul but his father doesn't seem to realize that nor is he appreciating it because of HIS own SELFISH reasons. A lot of parents also don't seem to realize how much they CAN effect their kids by doing stupid sh** like that thus, stagnating their growths as individuals. I feel proper communication is the KEY to resolving these types of conflicts but their is too much pride and arrogance that's always in the way.

I know what needs to be done in this situation but AGAIN I don't know his father nor his reasons to WHY he's acting the way he is. But I would like to point something out that people who claim that they want the best for you DON'T really want the best for you. All they really want you to do is stay exactly the same so you stay within the confines of their comfort zone and the category they have you placed in. They may even thwart your attempt when you begin to self-improve/change. This also goes for your parents and especially your friends. Don't expect too much out of anyone because everyone is subject to change.

 

[MoveYourAss...]

Thanx for posting this. Important stuff.

a) You said you posted for venting your anger. That's ok for me, don't misunderstand. But in my view you HAVE TO realize what you have to do is to react directly to the person that causes your anger, in this case your father.

There are exceptions, of course. Life threatening situations, some (SOME) professional affairs.

b) There is a general "moral" problem. The bible and our whole culture tells us (and this is MUCH worse in the islamic world) that you HAVE to honour your parents, no matter what.
I buy into this as long as your family is ideal (which, of course, it never is)

A guy with serious problems CAN NOT be a an ideal father (same holds for mothers). If he was, the moral code would be perfect. But in reality, it is not.

If you hold back your anger, your frustrations (and possibly your abuse, be it of your body or your soul) you will have serious problems in YOUR life and possibly take it out on others, specially your kids.

The irony is that your parents (if abusive) are probably part of the chain, which is building through the generations.

YOU are the man to stop this chain in your family.

 

[6-heads lewis]

Good post DevanE. We agree on great porn, and we agree on father/son issues.

:crackup:

 

[6-heads lewis]

I saw a movie the other day that brought deep thoughts on father-son relationships, and how your parents can destroy you, and you in turn destroy them. It's called Before the Devil Know You're Dead, I recommend you all watch it.

A father has two sons, he doesn't really bond with either of them or give them spiritual or masculine advice. He's cold to the oldest, and soft on the youngest.

The older brother grows up to be spiritually void, with no self identity or meaning to his life. He's a selfish prick, interested only in money. He gets a trophy wife and becomes a heroine addict. He holds a grudge towards his younger brother since he got more parental affection.

The younger brother grows up to be kind and considerate, but extremely passive, and floundering. He let's his ex-wife boss him him around and humiliate him, his daughter doesn't respect him, and his brother is always trying to one-up him. He becomes an alcoholic.

The older brother goes broke from his drug habit, the younger brother goes broke from paying his wife's alimony and child support. The older brother persuades the younger brother to rob their parent's jewelry store, they get the goods, their parents get insurance. The older brother is pushy and unhelpful, the younger brother is scared and insecure, so he hires his goon friend to do it.

It's all downhill from there. Their parents destroyed them, soon they destroyed their parents. Everyone blames each other, while also hating themselves. It's brilliant.

 

[DevanE]

....

Originally posted by:- 6-heads lewis

Good post DevanE. We agree on great porn, and we agree on father/son issues.

You know I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Great minds think alike!!!


I thought I'd add some more to this while I'm at it.

Since we can see the many flaws in our parents we should also realize that they are humans and not perfect. We must learn to accept the bad with the good because that is what we are given in life...consider it as a gift and appreciate it for the value it can offer in our lives. In the long run it will help us grow and mature as humans thus, learning and realizing to not repeat the same mistakes. We must also realize and accept that it is their CHOICE to do what they feel like and those choices are what THEY have to live by. Yes we might be affected by some of the irrational decisions and choices but nevertheless, it is THEIR choice. It's not their fault they don't see their erroneous ways but somewhere along the line they really don't mean any harm.

 

[MoveYourAss...]

Now, DevanE preaches understanding and forgiving. I agree this is healthy and the best option, where applicable.

There are, however, situations and constellations where your first obligation (and right) is to protect yourself.

Sometimes one is simply way to involved in some web of relationships, for years. It might not be easy just to get out of it by the proposed methods.

In these cases, it might be one of the few options to get some distance and / or take a firm stance. At least temporarily.

I believe there is a respectable number of cases where the "insight" in respect and forgiving simply does not work. If one, in those cases, finds the fault ONLY in the "inability" of oneself to follow through with that does a lot of harm. Don't forget that you might be very young and inexperienced compared to your parents and that they might have invested heavily (subconsciously) in the way the relation developed (i.e. distribution of power, "definition of reality")