Jokes

[War Against Betaism]

For the benefit of the community, and since I'm really bored right now stuck at my aunts house with nothing to do, I thought it would be a good idea to share some jokes for both laughs and something to store in your arsenal when you're with someone.

Deaf Genie

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!" The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

 

[CaliRIP]

"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

:crackup:

 

[CaliRIP]

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.

A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.

One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

 

[02hero]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?























Fo' drizzle.

 

[DarthAngel707]

lame joke DF. and all your friends who laughed are lame racist white boys.
Stay in high school, boy.

 

[War Against Betaism]

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me condom. I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!” The pharmacist gives him the condom and the young man leaves. He soon returns and says, “Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too.” The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says,”Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us.” A minute later the boy is still praying; “Thank you Lord for your kindness.”

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious.” The boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”

 

[Rebound Material]

One day at church, a nun approached this little girl....


NUN: So what do you want to become when you grow up dear?

GIRL: I wanna be a prostitute!!

NUN: Wha-?! What did you say?!

GIRL: I said I wanna be a PROSTITUTE!!!

NUN: OH! oh my goodness...(sigh) you scared me for a second there child! I thought you said that you wanted to become a PROTESTANT!

 

[DarthAngel707]

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me condom. I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!” The pharmacist gives him the condom and the young man leaves. He soon returns and says, “Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too.” The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says,”Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us.” A minute later the boy is still praying; “Thank you Lord for your kindness.”

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious.” The boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”

That one was good with the punch line and all that, not like the stupid ones Desert Fox makes up. Props, War Against Betaism.

 

[theunflushables]

Here's a good clean knock knock joke for everyone.

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

9-11

9-11 who?

Hey, you said you'd never forget!

 

[Desert Fox]

Here's a good clean knock knock joke for everyone.

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

9-11

9-11 who?

Hey, you said you'd never forget!

lmfao nice

i got another great joke the haters will definitely ... hate

----

This lady walked into a car dealership and was looking at luxury cars. She went over to a lexus and decided to feel how smooth the leather seat was. As she bent over, she let out a loud fart. Hoping noone would notice, she turned around but was greeted by a sales man.

"Hi may I help you he said?"
Trying to play off her fart she said "yes, what's the price of this car?"
The salesman said, "lady, if you farted just touching it you're going to sh1t when you hear the price."

 

[DarthAngel707]

epic fail, I concur.

 

[02hero]

A friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid,

Although he reckons he'll be able to stop at anytime.

 

[WhitePimp]

I was so happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way and my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me indeed .......that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her breasts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day, little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and didn't really WANT to overcome!

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me ............."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."



The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[mpimpin]

Let's keep it clean. Any Racist jokes or comments will be deleted.

Thanks

 

[Desert Fox]

I got a riddle.

Q: Why was the baby crying?

A: Because I was punching it.

 

[HandyAndy]

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Nice :crackup:

 

[LoveMasterB]

A friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid,

Although he reckons he'll be able to stop at anytime.

Haha nice!

 

[Ken785]

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?”

…and they lived happily ever after.

 

[DarthAngel707]

nice one Ken, lol