Jariel’s Field Reports 2010 to 2011 – Rediscovering my inner DJ

[Jariel]

Introduction

I’ve decided it’s time to make a thread of backdated field reports. I have been keeping notes of my dates for well over a year now so I can monitor my progression and in the hope that I could identify my flaws and areas for improvement.

By sharing some of the more significant experiences you can see how my attitude and my success develops and falters as time goes by...



FR: Wake up call – February 2010

This was my first date since my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me at Christmas. Although I’d been quite popular with the ladies prior to and even during my relationship, I’d got complacent. I was out of shape and paid less attention to my appearance. My confidence had taken a big hit after our break up too and I didn’t know if I still had any of my former appeal. What’s more, I’d forgotten how to flirt and my conversational skills and charisma were very rusty. However, I decided I must start somewhere and it was time for me to ease back into the dating game. I signed up for a dating site and started sending out a few messages.

Laura was a lady in her late 30s, mother to 3 kids. I was reluctant about dating a single mother, but her kids were in their teens and not entirely dependent on her so I gave it a try. We clicked really well via email and I felt comfortable speaking to her on the phone. She was about a 7 in terms of looks, but she seemed very keen on my photos and eager to meet me.

I was so nervous about meeting her. I could feel my stomach churning as I made my way to our meeting point. We greeted each other with a polite hug. She looked like her photos, though just a touch older. She was by no means stunning, but a nice looking woman. We headed out to find a coffee shop. Only moments after meeting her she started texting on her phone. Not good, I thought, and very rude. She apologised, explaining it was a work issue, but I found myself walking alongside her in silence. We found a café and I bought the coffees. We seemed to be getting on ok, there was no obvious coldness, but something didn’t seem right. I wasn’t feeling any kind of rapport and she seemed distracted by her phone. I offered to get her another coffee.

“Ok thanks. I just need to nip outside and make a quick call,” she said. I thought nothing of it as I headed upto the counter and ordered two coffees.

I returned to the table and waited for her to return. I looked out the window and couldn’t see her. I waited some more and it hit me. I remembered her telling me how she’d walked out on her last date and left him standing. It looked like she had just done the same thing to me. I text her to ask if she was coming back. She hadn’t even the courtesy to reply. I felt so humiliated sitting there alone with two coffees on my table, one of which she let me buy for her as a distraction. I grabbed my coat and decided to head home.

My heart sank. I couldn’t believe someone would do that to me. I never expected I would ever be that guy. I actually felt like crying. Not because of her, but at the realisation that I had just hit my lowest point. Everything in my life was falling apart. My business had gone under, my girlfriend had left me and life was just miserable. I had nothing going for me, no prospects to look forward to and I was feeling like a downtrodden skeleton of my former self.

I expected to see an apology or just some acknowledgment from Laura via email, but instead, I found she’d simply deleted me from her Facebook friends list. No explanation. It hurt so bad, but I kept telling myself how relieved I was that I never ended up dating such a vile and inconsiderate person.

In retrospect, Laura did me a massive favour and this date turned out to be the wake up call I so desperately needed. Often enough, the only way to snap out of one’s complacency is with a forceful kick in the guts. I sat at home and evaluated myself.

During the past year of my relationship I had become so obsessed with recovering my business, I had neglected my health, my image and had become complacent about my body. Prior to this I had been an avid bodybuilder, but I had since lost a lot of the lean bodymass I once carried and was now looking both thin and flabby. I was quite pale, and had stopped dying my greying hair, which I’d been doing since my early 20s.

Personality wise, I had become so negative. My life had taken a real bad turn the previous year, I couldn’t catch a break and I held the world in contempt. The more negative I felt, the worse life appeared to me. I was spiralling downwards just waiting to hit the bottom. I knew this feeling well and I knew I had to do something about it, and fast.

The first thing I did was refer to my old gym routine and the bulking diet I’d used to pack on muscle some years ago. I made a plan that included weight training 4-5 times a week and a high protein diet. I bought supplements, stacked the freezer with lean meat and used the pain of my recent rejections to fire me up. I felt my adrenaline rushing and I was raring to get started. I hit the weights hard. It hurt and exhausted me, but I pushed through it, knowing that this was one aspect of my life I could control.

I forced myself to start looking for the positives in my life. Sure, I was in a menial job, my ambitions weren’t paying off and things hadn’t been going my way, but my job wasn’t that bad; I didn’t have any pressure and it allowed me plenty of free time. It was a sociable environment too and gave me the opportunity to speak to new people.

I started dying my hair again, using tanning beds from time to time and started wearing my contact lenses again instead of my glasses. It was time to get back to being the man I once was, long before complacency took a hold of me.

Another positive to come out of this situation was the fact that I no longer feared rejection. I’d already experienced the worst case scenario and I survived it. In fact, it made me stronger. It’s shocking to realise just how much the fear of rejection restricts the way we act, the way we convey ourselves and our enjoyment of life. I was now finding myself liberated from that fear. I began talking to everybody at work, making jokes, telling stories and capturing the interest of my colleagues. Work became fun and I was finding my colleagues were becoming more like mates who I looked forward to seeing every shift.

Never have I gained so many positives from such a painful rejection. Without this wake up call, I would not have been able to enjoy the many dates that were yet to come….

To be continued…

 

[Jariel]

Time for another entry into this thread.

The Road to Recovery - April 2010

My efforts to move forward were going well. My confidence was still very shaken by my previous rejection, but I realised I needed to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone and ease back into the dating scene. In my current state I wasn't ready to go out cold approaching, so I decided to stick to online dating for now.

I got talking to an attractive blonde called Sarah. I can't say I felt a deep connection, but we got on well enough and she was nice looking, a 7 perhaps. I approached this date with both caution and cynicism.

We met at a nice country pub and greeted each other with an awkward peck on the cheek. I was surprised how much more attractive she was in person than in her photos. She appeared very classy and mature, and quite sexy.

I suddenly found myself getting nervous...real nervous. We sat down next to each other and I couldn't talk. I could feel my heart racing, started fumbling and stuttering, and I felt my skin burning. I was experiencing a panic attack. I'd suffered them a lot some years ago before I discovered my inner Don Juan, but now I was feeling insecure and vulnerable.

I was tempted just to tell her I couldn’t handle it and literally run out the door, but that would’ve been so cruel and she would’ve got the opposite impression. Besides, if I didn’t push through this discomfort now I would continue running from it forever. I just explained that the heat of the pub had hit me after being in the cold. She sat there unfazed and seemed unaware of my mental turmoil. I managed to compose myself to some degree and we continued talking. We shared a good conversation, got to know more about each other. I stuttered a lot, made very little eye contact and sat very rigidly. This, I am sure, would’ve scared most women off, but I was getting a strong impression that she liked me. Her bodylanguage was all open gestures and her body was pointed towards me. She played with her hair as she spoke and posed questions about what I look for in a woman and how long I’d been single. Despite my struggle with nervousness I enjoyed the night and left feeling good about myself.

I walked her to her car and there was a clear opportunity to kiss her, but I wussed out. I pecked her on the cheek instead and said goodnight. I figured this could've blown it for me, but when I got home I sent her a text asking if she'd like to meet again. She responded quickly saying she'd really like that.

I finally felt like I was climbing out of my dark and miserable rut. We continued texting each other and flirting until meeting for our next date. We arranged to meet for dinner and a movie.

I didn’t panic this time, but I was still very tense. I kept debating whether I put my arm around her or hold her hand as we walked. I felt so pathetic. We chatted over our meal and she’d said how the girls at work had teased her about coming on a date with me. She was obviously telling people and it all sounded good. She’d even cancelled her gym class to see me. I was talking quite confidently now, I just needed to make some kind of physical move.

After dinner, as we walked to the cinema I asked her if she was cold. She said she was and I reluctantly put my arm around her. It felt awkward and contrived the way I’d done it and lasted all of 10 seconds as we made our way inside. I let her choose the film.

Throughout the film I noticed her looking at me from time to time. I looked back and smiled. I wanted to kiss her, but had all kinds of doubts in my mind – what if she’s into the movie and doesn’t want to be disturbed? What if she rejects me and we have to sit there for another hour or more?

My mind was racing. It was only a kiss. Why was I so scared? I knew that if I didn't kiss her now, then I'd probably never see her again.

I turned to her and leaned in. She leaned towards me and we kissed. She reciprocated with great enthusiasm and it was clear she had been waiting for me to make that move.

When we ceased kissing, I put my hand on her knee and she wrapped her hand around mine. He held it tightly, weaved her fingers between mine and stroked my arm throughout the remainder of the film. It felt so good. It was my first physical contact with a woman since my ex, nearly 4 months ago.

It wasn't just a matter of kissing or touching that felt good, it was the fact that I had finally broken free of my safety zone and escaped this cycle of negativity and fear. I was moving forward.

We left the cinema in a walking embrace. She invited me to sit in her car with her. We chatted about the film among other things and kissed a few more times, less awkwardly and more passionately this time.

I headed home on a high. I hadn’t felt this good for over a year. The following Saturday she invited me out, but I was working. She sent me several flirty text messages that night, including some cheeky sexual remarks. I had never been good at dirty talk or sexual flirting and didn’t know what to say. I said things like “I wish we were alone” and “If only you were in my bed” to which she responded “What would you do?” I didn’t engage and just told her “I’d rather show you,” which cut the discussion short.

The next day she called me on it. She pointed out how I seemed so tense and nervous and how I give the impression I’m not physically attracted to her. I didn’t want to admit to it, so I tried to play it down.

"Just loosen up and be yourself, that's all I want," she told me.

I took a big step and invited her over to my place. She gladly accepted. However, the more I thought about it, the more intimidated I got. I just didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of having sex with her yet. I hadn’t even got used to kissing or holding another woman since my ex. What’s more, when I thought about having sex with Sarah, it wasn’t because I lusted after her or because I thought it would be fun; it was more the feeling I should, as a means of moving forward with her. I ended up cancelling our plans.

She was getting the impression I wasn’t interested and I got a few text messaged from her asking why I am not so chatty any more. I had to accept I just needed more time. I stopped texting her and then she gave up texting me. It never went any further between us.