I've been acting AFC (long)

[MacAvoy]

There I've admitted it. I realized my AFC ways the past couple days. I've come to realize that old habits are still ingrained in me, in the way I act when I'm in a relationship.

Comments like "your such a suck" are a real eye opener. The good news is I haven't been a total AFC just in certain areas.

The one area is around finances and its a huge issue. Actually its a minor issue but comes across as AFC huge, the ramifications. I don't have a visa, nor can I get one. Money has never been an issue for me so having all my i's dotted and t's crossed has never been a priority. Well like anything else, it will come back to bite you in the rear.

As a result, I've had to book my flights to visit my daughter using her credit card. Then when we split up and I moved out, I decided that I wanted to keep living in the means I was accustomed to, so I borrowed about $1000 off her. I've since paid her back over half but the fact is it give her the upper hand and puts me in a position of weakness.

Secondly I decided not to go home for xmas. One of the other reasons I moved here was not solely to chase my g/f but to get away from my previous life. Although it was great, its something I no longer want. Living hard and fast is fun but its time for more. My last trip home, I fell right back into my old habbits, so I decided its too soon to go back again at xmas.

I managed to stay fairly upbeat bein alone during the holidays (as her parents don't approve) (translate: they think she ditched me) however it did sneak up on me. I allowed myself to get bummed out a little and as a result, my insecurities rose to the forefront.

My insecurities are around trust issues. I don't trust her from a committment standpoint. We knew each other for 4 years before I moved her, however we always knew we wanted more than friends, however she was scared which is why it never went anywhere until a year ago. In hindsight, I'm glad we waited cuz we both at a mature level know where we have a solid foundation.

However the issue with her parents created another trust issue. At first she didn't want to tell them http://sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=108958 about me, I told her I wouldn't hide in my house, they didn't approve of me, she told me to move home, I moved out, she came back to me and said that she couldn't live without me blah blah, that she was trying to push me away etc.....

So as it stands now, we are together and she said that after her father's health gets better, she will tell them about her decision but won't for now as they are paying for her rent/tuition.

So overall I don't trust her and thats caused me to act AFC.

I've moved on in terms of removing her as the focal point in my life. I've developed my own group of friends that I go out with on a regular basis and put them at a priority over her. I'm also open to seeing other women, however its not something that I actively pursue as I'm satisfied sexually.

So from here on out my goal is to stop being so AFC. First priority will be to pay her off so I don't owe her anything. Second will be to stop tryin to be the loving b/f. I've always tried to find a balance between being a DJ (mysterious/aloof) and showing her that I care but as of late, I've stopped being a DJ. I'm going to try kick it into overdrive for a bit, and come across like I don't give a sh1t.

 

[MacAvoy]

The other area where I've gotten lazy is around what we do. She invites me to her house, we sit watch TV for an hour or two, then have sex & go to bed. I also realized that I've stopped neg'ing her partially cuz we always do the same thing so I don't have any new material.

So last night I basically called her a boring housewife. She tried to get me to apologize but I wouldn't. Not the greatest but I've got little to work with.

 

[JC9]

I also realized that I've stopped neg'ing her partially cuz we always do the same thing so I don't have any new material.

So last night I basically called her a boring housewife. She tried to get me to apologize but I wouldn't. Not the greatest but I've got little to work with.

Out of curiosity, why neg her?

Although 'Boring housewife' sounds more like an insult than a neg.

I understand the whole neg theory with a girl you just met who thinks she is god's gift, but with a girl your in a relationship with?

That will probably just hurt her self esteem, and who wants to be with a girl with low self-esteem.

Best input I could give is to spend more time on your passions. A lot of times a refocus on the priorities in your life with work / hobbies / whatever makes all the girl problems disapear.

 

[kyphan]

So overall I don't trust her and thats caused me to act AFC.

If there is one type of comment that gets me going it's this one: Such-and-such turned me into this AFC.

I'm not letting you get off that easy.

YOU turned YOU into Mr. AFC. That's right, YOU did it. What for? Because you do not trust a woman you're in a relationship with! Stop and think about what you are saying: you do not trust the woman you are in a relationship with and are living with, therefore you have decided to act this way.

Now, instead of pursuing healthy and natural activities to straighten your mindset back out, you've decided to turn her into your little punching bag. You live with her, man! My ex-gf did that to me and I dumper her butt, and my parents thought she was good for me. Her parents would be damn proud of her for giving you the boot this time around. There is nothing wrong with showing her you care, just spend a little more time with your friends and pursuing other interests. Heck, if you're not romantic with her she'll definitely leave you.

And if you do not trust her, besides this parent issue, then get out of there. Otherwise you are in for some serious problems.

 

[MacAvoy]

I think you missed the fact that I don't live with her, I moved out months ago.

 

[azanon]

You borrowed 1K from your daughter at 30 and cant get a credit card? Holy ****.

If it were me, i would (almost) completely forget women even exist if i were in that kind of financial situation, and i'd get that s*** fixed first. You gotta take care of yourself first before you can worry about someone else (an example of which is other women).

 

[MacAvoy]

You borrowed 1K from your daughter at 30 and cant get a credit card?

You need to learn how to read. Secondly IF at 30 and I'm borrowing 1k from my 8 yr old daughter, I think I've done pretty good job as a parent.

Go troll in the high school forum.

 

[azanon]

You need to learn how to read. Secondly IF at 30 and I'm borrowing 1k from my 8 yr old daughter, I think I've done pretty good job as a parent.

Go troll in the high school forum.

" (pasted from above, verbatum)As a result, I've had to book my flights to visit my daughter using her credit card. Then when we split up and I moved out, I decided that I wanted to keep living in the means I was accustomed to, so I borrowed about $1000 off her. I've since paid her back over half but the fact is it give her the upper hand and puts me in a position of weakness."

You need to learn how to write. This is a single paragraph where the only person you mention is your daughter. You immediately follow the sentence using the pronoun "her" and mention you borrowed $1000 off her. Dumba$$

 

[MacAvoy]

Insecurities

I caught myself this morning again. I found myself thinking that I should talk to develop a plan how we should approach the parent situation. I realized that I made a mistake in not having her introduce me before we moved in together, then only made it worse by forcing to tell her parents at that point. So I thought were doing the exact same thing again, that we should come up with a plan of how she's eventually going to introduce me.

Then I realized that this is more of the same problems (internal AFC). Its me being insecure and putting me in a position of weakness. Its not DJ. Its funny cuz just yesterday in the main forum, I was telling buddy never to ask her to be your g/f, force her to ask you, then here I am worrying about the status. Funny how this sh1t can sneak up on you.

I'm glad I started this thread yesterday. It was a little hard to put it out there but I'm glad I did cuz it forces me to be honest with myself and almost gives me the opportunity to see the forest for the trees.

 

[joekerr31]

you're the dude who busted on me because you thought my advice in another thread was too negative.

the sh*t your going through is what happens when people sugar coat advice as you go through life.

i'd rather give folks some unpleasant but realistic advice and have them move on to an enjoyable happy life as opposed to sugar coat sh*t and they never get on the track to success.

 

[MacAvoy]

you're the dude who busted on me because you thought my advice in another thread was too negative.

I was totally agreeing with you in the other thread. I thought the final sentence would make everyone realize I was being sarcastic if the first one didn't.

We can't stand in the way of destiny, after all this women makes him dream that he is a man, you don't want to take that away do you?